so lead me back

I've been on this journey for longer than I like to admit (it started back in the middle of 2011) and much longer than I like to think about. I've had both setbacks (like this one and this one) and successes (like this one and this one); though the setbacks seems to outweigh the successes. And through it all, I've wondered why it is that I have yet to cross the finish line. I've wondered why so many other people have been able to do it while I just can't seem to.

I'm not quite sure there's an answer to the question why. If there is, I'm not quite sure I want to know what it is.

What I do know, right now, is that I have to make hard decisions. What I do know, right now, is that I have to be the change. I have to say no to eating at certain restaurants. I have to not just give in because it's easy. It's not fair to expect others to plan their meals and life around me, so I have to plan, pick, and choose around me.

I have to truly put myself first - which is honestly the hardest thing for me to do. My heart and my passions are for caring for other people. But if I don't stop and look inward... if I don't spend time focusing on myself.. then I'm never going to cross the finish line and I am always going to let someone else be the priority. I am always going to wonder why I just can't do it.

On Sunday, I said no to lunch at a local Mexican food restaurant. I told my husband to go, and I stayed home. After eating too much Saturday night, I just knew I couldn't do it.

Temptation is always there. I did well Saturday. I chose a grilled chicken sandwich and chili for lunch at Steak N Shake over a double steak burger and fries. I watched others enjoy a milk shake and instead sipped my diet coke. For dinner, I chose food off the under 500 calorie menu at Longhorn. And I said no - repeatedly - to cake, but after hours of seeing the cake and smelling it, I couldn't say no. And so I ate a rather large slice along with a little container of ice cream. 

I just don't have the willpower right now. I know what is best for me and what works for me, but really, more than anything, I want to be normal. I want to be able to enjoy foods in moderation like it seems everyone else can. But I am not that person. I am not someone who is happy with a sliver of cake or a single scoop of ice cream. I want a large piece with lots of frosting and the biggest bowl of ice cream.

It's exhausting being this way. And it's lonely. And hard. But I can't continue living in a state of equal (or greater than) setbacks compared to successes. It's not fair to me or to my health.

So I am going to continue to take myself out of situations. And I am going to make a commitment to myself every single morning. And when it gets hard, I am going to pray for help because I can't do this on my own.

(title from "ghosts that we knew" by mumford and sons)

hello monday (week 1)

Hello, Monday. And goodbye weekend. I can't believe how quickly you arrived. To be honest, I kind of wish you would have been slower to get here. I need more than 48 hour weekends. Could we maybe try doubling the weekend time? It can be our little secret.

Hi, husband. Thank you for all your hard work. Kissing you early Saturday morning (like 4:15am early) and then heading back to bed while you headed off to work reminded me - yet again - of your servant's heart. I'm beyond blessed to have you as the leader of our family. Here's to hoping that next weekend I don't have to kiss you quickly and then bid you a good day at work.

Hello, work week. I'm always a bit anxious for you to start. And this week is no different. I know you'll be filled with to do lists, stress, chaos, and a few unexpected items. Sometimes I don't think I will survive you but I always do. Heres to hoping I kick your butt this week.

Hi, new house. I walked around you on Saturday and snapped a few more pictures of you thus far. I am really ready for you to have electrical wiring, insulation and sheet rock. I'd also love for you to have carpet. But I'm doing my best to be patient and learn all the lessons you're already teaching me. November 15th is less than a month away. Can't wait to call you all mine!

Hello, running. Because of you I think I have plantar fasciitis. It has to be the running - not the cheap but oh so adorable flats from Target, right? Right. I just want you to know I forgive you and that I will not give you up. Oh and that mile I ran in eleven and a half minutes last week was AWESOME. Can't wait to run more miles and even faster!

Hi, Taylor Swift. Your album drops today. I am SO FREAKING EXCITED. I think you and I could be best friends in real life. Seriously. So call me.. maybe?

Hello, husband (again). Thanks again for loving me. And pursuing me. Can you believe everything happening in our lives? Unbelievable. I'm glad you are so calm when I am so.. not calm. You always help me to find my way back. I love you for that.

Hi, Jesus. What lessons do you have for me to learn this week? I'm open to hear what you have to say, and I am going to make my way through the week with palms up ala Bob Goff. Thank you for always sticking by me, always pursuing me, and giving me strength when I don't feel like I have any. I need you more than anything.

PS: Come mingle at Meg's blog!

making me feel right

the front of our house in process.

We have an actual house right now. It's no longer just framing and windows. We can't live in it yet, but it is beginning to take shape. The more it comes together the less afraid I become.

And I have been afraid. Last week, I couldn't sleep on Friday night. I was too worried about colors and windows and lighting and furniture and all these questions. Did I make the right choices? Was this all a mistake? Could we even afford a new house?

This isn't my dream house. My dream house is nestled in Norman, OK and out of my price range. But this is the house I will be able to dream in. It's a house of over 2,000 square feet and three bedrooms. A house that will propel me from one stage of life into the next. A house that will cover us in warmth and cool us down when we need it.

We're still a month or so away from moving in, but already I've learned so much from this house and the process we've gone through to get to where we are right now. It's all been by the grace of God.

I've learned (and am still learning) to just trust the process. I've learned to see God as sovereign. I've learned that God really does work all things together for the good of those that love and trust Him. This blessing has shown me that. I've learned that there will always be work to do and that not everything will be perfect but that's a good, God thing. Because if things were perfect, we would just rest in that and never try to grow or change.

I've seen just how blessed we are. We're living with my husband's parents right now - awaiting the time when we can move into our new home. Our dogs are loved and cared for, and we go to bed every night warm or cool - whichever we need to be to sleep comfortable. We're able to save money like we've never been able to before and that has allowed us the chance to breathe and to dream.

the view from the back porch. our lot ends at
the white post.

Having room to breathe and to dream is allowing me the chance to look into the future with excitement and not fear. We're not ready for a lot of "next steps" right now - like starting a family - but we are inching closer. I never really thought I would be ready but I am right now thanks to this house.

I'm also seeing how this is all a part of God's plan. He knew when it would be time for us to sell our first house. He knew where we would and should settle into our second house. We're moving west. We don't know many people there yet but we do have friends. And we have the open sky and a Christmas tree farm to look at.

It doesn't make sense - how we can somehow get everything in this house - but that's how God works. He just does His thing - even when we don't understand because His way doesn't have to make sense.

(title from "everything has changed" by taylor swift)

weight loss wednesday (week 7)

I feel like, recently, I’ve been doing just enough. It's why I've conveniently missed writing this post for almost a month.

I’ve made it to the gym at least once every week but not really more than that. I’ve counted my calories four days out of every week but not every day of the week. I’ve drunk at least one bottle of water but not enough water.

This has resulted in no weight loss but no weight gain. And while I am glad the number on the scale is not increasing, I’m frustrated the number is not shrinking. Similarly my waist is staying the same. Also better than growing, but I would prefer it to shrink.

I know what to do. I know what works for me. But I get lazy. And I get tired. And I continue to put other things in front of the gym and eating well. I choose the easier path rather than the path I really want to travel down.

And then I grow silent. I tell myself that since I’m not doing all the right things through the week that I shouldn’t even write anything at all. That allows the cycle to begin again and keeps me from moving forward. I’m tired of being in this same spot. It’s time to move out of it.

BodyMedia and MyFitnessPal recently joined forces. This means I have no excuse to not track what I eat. The amount of resources MyFitnessPal has combined with the BodyMedia LINK tracking my every move and snore means I can (and will) be successful.

So I am back on this train of healthiness. I’m reminding myself that I am important and that I deserve to succeed. And I’m not giving up.

Thank you for sticking with me in my absence and please feel free to send any encouraging words. We can all use the reminder that we can succeed and that we are not alone!

Today’s Weight: 225

Total Loss: 40 pounds

What I craved this week: Lots of soups! It’s finally getting cool in Oklahoma, and I am taking every opportunity I can to eat soup. I’m also so, so ready to be settled in our new house so I can find my cookware (it’s packed…somewhere) and start making my own soups and chilis!


 What I noticed was different about my body: My stomach is flatter than it was compared to when I first began this journey. I’m trying to focus on what it will be like when it is 100% flat and not worry about the possibility of extra skin.

Also, earlier in the month, I participated in the Dirty 30 Race (Zombie Edition). It was freezing and grey, and I didn’t complete every obstacle (dang knees!) but I loved every second of it. I loved that I felt like I was capable of attempting the race and that I completed it – muddy and wet.

Workouts planned for this week: Right now? None. I need to get out of bed in the morning and get moving right away! I’m planning to squeeze in 30-minutes on the elliptical this afternoon/evening. I need the chance to sweat and clear my head.

Personal Goal(s) for this week: Track everything I eat for the next week and always wear my BodyMedia Link. I think this will really help me to focus and see just how much (or how little) I am doing.

Favorite Quote(s) for this week: You must do the thing you think you cannot do. -- Eleanor Roosevelt
What I'm looking forward to: Growing. I am in yet another season of change. But it’s more about growth. Growth with my walk with God, growth in my marriage, and growth in friendships. I know getting healthy will only help with this time of growth.

And then there’s growth in the physical sense. Muscles getting stronger. Body getting slimmer. I can’t wait to be able to do so many things I never thought I would. I can’t wait to continue to train for runs and marathons and obstacle courses and then see how that training plays out.