everything i have in me

I'm a planner. I always have been. And I always will be.

I spend so much time thinking about what will happen next. So much time wondering what I need to do to make that upcoming this actually happen. So much time deciding all the different options. Entirely too much time wondering what I will do, how I will react, how I will survive if things don't go as I planned.

When we went to church on Sunday, I heard words that I needed to hear. Words that brought tears to my eyes. Words that turned those tears into a downpour of emotions. Words that reminded me that while it's not bad to plan it is bad to plan for what I think is best for my life.

There was more to the sermon. And the rest of it spoke to me as well. But the words about living the life God has given me - right now - were exactly what I needed to hear. They are exactly what I need to remember for every day of my life from here on out.

We are in the midst of many life changes. Meeting with realtors. Putting our house up for sale (possibly - most likely). Considering where to go next - what to do next. Focusing more and more on my health and making the decision to stick to it - even when it seems impossible.

And through all of this, I know God is present. I know He has this life for us right now. It's not  necessarily the life I think I should have. But the life I think I should have is likely a life that would be full of emptiness and not a life full of struggle, strength, and growth.

And the life I want? I don't know what I really want. I just know that right now we are taking the necessary steps to truly live the life God has for us.

So, for now, I am planning when absolutely necessary. But I am living more than planning. I am trusting the process and opening myself up to other people. I'm signing up for 5k's and swimming a 50m race next Saturday. I'm trusting that God is with me every step of the way. And I'm remembering that my husband and I are in this together - for better, for worse, in sickness, and in health.

And this life God has for me is beautiful - even during the times of hardships and uncertainty.

(title from "the best thing" by relient k)