you know my every move

I have been in a constant transition since February. It began as a transition from working one 40-hour a week job to working two jobs: a 40-hour a week job and then a second 20-hour a week job. Near the end of February, the transition changed to working a new 40-our a week job and the second 20-hour a week job. After I figured out how to survive working 60 hours a week, I reintroduced exercise into my life and began that transition. I haven't quite conquered exercising and working such a large number of hours, but I am getting there.

Currently I am learning how to take care of myself while working and exeercising so many hours of the week. This includes beginning quiet time again. The group of women who breathe spiritual life into me started a study on Esther several months ago. It was put on hold when our church began a sermon series on marriage, and then we picked the study back up a few weeks ago. I started with the intention of following along weekly, but I haven't been intentional with reading and participating in the study. And my soul has been ever so dry because of it.

Tuesday night, the girls shared three couches and watched the most recent video in the study. The topic of the night was timing - and it hit me in the heart in a million different ways.

My husband and I are in a season of transition together. It's not just the transition of work but also the transition of me from healthy to unhealthy, the transition of three years of marriage to four years of marriage this September, and the transition of readying our house to be listed for sale and then following through with selling it and moving elsewhere.

I've been so focused on those transitions. And on how long it seems everything is taking. And on how there just are not enough hours in the day for me to do everything I feel like I have to do. During Tuesday night's video session, Beth Moore said that we should be focused on God and His timing - not the thing or event we are waiting for/praying over. Focusing on that thing or event is exhausting but focusing on God gives un renewed strength and energy.

I needed to hear that. To be reminded, yet again, to focus on God and His plan for my life - not on the things that I deem to be the most important. So I did just that early Wednesday morning (and again this morning). My alarm went off for the gym, but I spent 45 minutes praying and reading my Bible - another 20 minutes spent doing the same thing later in the day.

And already I feel lighter. Already I feel like truths are being revealed to me. Already I see that God is working through all of these situations - a truth that I couldn't see just days before because I was so consumed by the transition and by what I wanted to happen.

I think this is my newest transition - the transition of turning my vision away from myself and the things I am doing and turning my vision towards the whole of life. I am busy, yes, but I can still live a full life and make the time for all the things I need to survive - a balanced diet, exercise, time with my husband, quiet time, and authentic friendships.

My other transition is more inward. It's a transition of making and meeting goals - like completing the Color Run in Tulsa June with my mom and then being able to run even more of The Color Me Rad Run in Oklahoma a few weeks later in July. It's a transition of focusing on eating good food and seeing how much better I feel instead of just eating what is easy and cheap. It's a transition of making sure my needs are met so that I can then turn around and meet the needs of others.

Through all of this, I know that I need to trust and not to be overcome with fear. I need to trust the process of losing weight. I need to trust God in His timing and His method. I need to trust that it will be okay - that I won't be in a state of unrest and worry and uncertainty forever. And so I am. I am holding onto truth and doing my best to trust - and to pray when trust feels so far away.

And I need to push myself. I need to run faster than I thought I could. I need to dive into the pool and swim faster than I thought I could and for longer than I thought possible. So I am. I ran Tuesday at a 4.7 on the treadmill, and I swam in a race on Saturday - something I haven't done for years.

Through all of these transitions and all of this pushing myself, I am finding myself. More than that, though, I am allowing myself to find God (or see Him as He has never been lost and in need of finding). And it's really only in seeing God and His place in my life that I feel everything else is worth it. It's really only in seeing God and asking Him to be present with me that I can even attempt any of these transitions.

(title from "you are for me" by kari jobe)

it's getting so much clearer

To One of The Bravest Girls I Know,

How do I start this letter? It's so much easier to write letters to my husband, my family, and our friends. Words are so powerful, but as you well know, you're not very good at believing them when they are directed towards you.

I think that is the first thing to remember. The words you say to others are words that you also need to say to yourself.

It's not that you're more special than another. Or better than anyone else. But you do need to love yourself in order to love others. (I don't say this to be harsh but just to remind you that every person in the world is worthy of love.)

Remember how you felt at church Sunday morning? Truth poured from the pastor's lips and pierced your heart - reminding you (and me) that life is not about the things that so many say it is. Life's about loving others well, building lasting and meaningful relationships with others, and living in such a way that you always point back to the cross.

There are times when do you do this. But as you well know, there are plenty of other times when you don't do this. I think that the reason you (and I) struggle with this is simple: we don't love ourselves enough.

It's a hard thing to balance. How do you love yourself without lifting yourself up above God, above the calling placed on your life? How do you take care of yourself without allowing your life to become solely about you? How do you live your life for others without completely forgetting to take care of yourself as well?

My suggestion is to start with the cross and to remember just how loved you are by a God who willingly went to the cross and died for you. His death was never in vain. Please also remember that. It was done so that you would begin to live life in a way that spoke to others. And that way should also speak to you on a daily basis.

Also remember that God loves you for the person you are. He made you, knitting you together in your mother's womb. The things you don't like about yourself - your amniotic band syndrome for one - are things He created and that set you apart from others. Enjoy those things. Capitalize on those things. Love those things.

While you are remembering the things God loves you for, also remember that everything He has given you is a gift. Nothing belongs to you; it all belongs to Him. I know letting go of control is terrifying, but I truly believe that your life will become more of what it needs to be as you let go or what your expectations are.

God has given you talent, and that talent needs to be used. Don't stop writing - ever. It doesn't matter how many people read or don't read. What matters is that you never give up. When the words won't come, sit at the computer - fingers poised above the keyboard - and wait. The words will always come. And once they do, love them and put them out for the world to read. Yes, you have to be careful with how much you share, but share you must as that is something you were born to do.

You've been through so much in your now twenty-six years of life - sometimes with no one else there to hold your hands and sometimes with a community of people to build you up and wrap their arms around you. And you've always come through.

Life hasn't been what you expected. But that's where all of the beauty comes from as you're living the life God designed for you - not a life that He designed for someone else and then plugged you into when it didn't work out for that someone else. This life is the one you are meant for. Please enjoy it and love it.

And please stop comparing yourself to others. There are so many things you have seen and survived that might have been the end for someone else. But there are also other things that might have been the end for you that others survived.

You are where you are for a very specific reason and purpose. I know you want to understand why and you want to when things are going to "get better," but it is time to let go and to simply live your life and love yourself so that you in turn can love others and show others how to love themselves.

Today is Valentine's Day 2012, and I want you to take a deep breath and let these words sink in. Not necessarily the words I've written to you but the words God has placed in your heart - the words that speak of His truth, His love of you, and His hopes for you. Valentine's Day is about love - not just the romantic kind but all kinds. And today you need to realize how loved you are by God.

Let the breath out, then go look at yourself in the mirror.

You are beautiful. You are wonderfully made. You are a light in a world that is often too dark. You are filled with hope. You are brave. And even though it often seems like things will never improve, they will, and you will survive just as you always have.

Now I want you to take in another deep breath and close your eyes. Think of what you want from this life. Say a prayer that God would continue to guide you. Imagine the faces of the people who you can help, the people you can tell your story too. As you let out this deep breath, open your eyes and start moving.

This is the time for you to live your life out for God and in the process learn how to love yourself the way He first loved you.

Love,
The Girl In The Mirror


(title from "today was a fairytale" by taylor swift)