and then Jesus did something else (a follow up post)

It took me a lot of time to write about how becoming a foster parent and looking into adoption is a Jesus thing for me. I thought about how missional foster care is for months. I listened to people point out that our taking in children points back to the gospel and pondered their words. I also listened as other people said hurtful things. I felt myself wonder if we were doing the right thing and ask myself why I couldn't just be "normal" where I decide I want children, and my husband and I decide to have a baby of "our own."

When I hit publish yesterday, I felt a sense of relief. I was glad to put out there my feelings. But that post wasn't really about me. At least I never meant for it to be about me. Instead it was meant to be about foster care and adoption. To remind myself that the kids in foster care need just as much love. To remind other that the foster parents need a lot of support to.

I got a lot of support yesterday. And I needed that. This week has been a bit more difficult. I've been a bit more impatient and frustrated and unsure about things in life. But the responses gave me peace. I was reminded, again, how big God is and that He is constantly at work during this time in our lives. You can never be reminded too much of how big He is.

God did something else yesterday. He worked on my heart some. I love and hate when He does that.

What He did yesterday was remind me of times when I've said hurtful things. He reminded me of times when I haven't been as excited for people as I should have been or wanted to be. He reminded me of times when I let my own junk get in the way. And He reminded me of the grace so many of those people have shown me.

I don't regret what I said yesterday. I think there isn't a lot of knowledge on foster care or adoption. There isn't a checklist that explains how to help and support people. And for many, foster care and adoption is something you don't talk about. It's a hard subject.

What I do regret is how I've reacted to some things people have said. While I've tried to educate, I've also spent a lot of time licking my wounds. I've spent a lot of time questioning my relationships. I've spent more time upset than I should have.

As this was all happening, I was on my way to dinner, at dinner with friends, and then on my way home from dinner. One of the girls posted on facebook, following dinner, about how grateful she was for how different our group was - filled with different strengths and passions. It had nothing to do with what I was working through, but it reminded me of how important words are.

Words can tear people down. Or they can build others up. I can't take back hurtful words I've said in the past. But I can always ask for forgiveness. And then I can move on - being excited for people in the new seasons of their lives and supportive of them. I can react to other people in the way they need - the way we all need. And I can hope that my joy for them will help them to be joyful for another person.

We need more grace in this world. I, for one, need to give more grace. It's something I struggle with on a daily basis. And it's something I will continue to struggle with. I've mentioned before never saying never again. I'm adding something to that. I don't ever want to say anything that is not affirming to another person. I want God to be in control of my words and my actions. I want to love people in a way that points back to Jesus - ALL people not just those who understand or support fostering.

I'm no better than anyone else. Truly. Sometimes I feel like I am more messed up than anyone else. Like I need Jesus more than anyone else does. And yet, I've been called to, alongside my husband, open my house up and care for children who have nowhere else to go. That boggles my mind because I honestly feel like I'm not cut out for this, like I am too jaded and hurt and enter any other adjectives you can think of. But He sees things differently.

I am so thankful for the people in my life who see me differently that I see myself. I am so thankful for the people who will come alongside me and rebuke me when I am wrong. For the people who remind me of how my words can cut and for the people who forgive me when I ask for it. I am so thankful for the people who stand beside us and support us. For the people who fight for us in prayer and seek to love us when we're often the most unloveable. I am so thankful for a husband who has the same heart and love for foster care, adoption and orphan care that I do.

Last night, after I had worked through most of this (but before it fully set it), I said something to my husband about buying gifts for other people when we're in this season of needing to fill our house with items for two children. And he told me to treat others the way I would want to be treated. That was a reminder I needed desperately. A reminder that came alongside me and whispered that the world would be a much better place if we all treated others the way we wanted to be treated. The people who love me the best make me want to love others in the same way. Those people are the ones I strive to be like. Those people are the ones I want to bless when it's their turn to start a family. Those people are the ones I want to live in community with. I just hope that from here on out I can be one of "those people" to others.

foster care & adoption - it's a JESUS thing (also known as why i may lose friends & followers)

Lately, I find myself struggling. It's not a bad struggle really. Rather it's a spiritual struggle. I'm trying to rectify what the Bible says with the way we live our lives.

The Bible calls us to be missional. The entire preface of the Bible, the story of the gospel, is for us to GO. We are called to talk to people, invite people into our lives. So much of my life has been spent not being missional. Sure I've worked in positions that allowed me to help people. I've been a social worker. I've fought for children and families. I've helped individuals get through the tangled web that is the foster care approval process. But I've done all those things as my job, as what I say I am called to. Still I've been able to clock out and leave it all behind.

Stepping out in faith and beginning the approval process for foster care has shattered my ability to leave it all behind. Instead, I'm constantly fired up. I'm ready to take on this challenge. I want to share my story with people. I get angry when people say things about wondering why we're fostering. And I get protective of the 9,000+ children in the state custody of Oklahoma.

This is why I went to work for the state right out of college. This is why God entwined my story with Justin's. This is why I've been placed at the church we attend.

My heart is for the orphan. All of them. For the children who are forgotten. For the children who have never been loved. For the children who need someone to fight for them. For the children who, at no fault of their own, have been born into situations more difficult than we can imagine. And I've tried to think of how to express my heart without hurting people's feelings. I've tried to be understanding that foster care is "new" to people we know. I've tried to accept that we are weird because of how we're growing our family.

I can't really do that anymore. I'm sick of being understanding. I'm sick of smiling through hurtful things people say and then crying when I get home. I'm sick of not calling people on their lack of care for the orphan. And I'm trying to figure out what to do with these feelings. I'm trying to come up with the words. It's hard, though, to summarize how I feel about all these things.

And so I've had writer's block. Because all I can think about is foster care and orphan care. I'm consumed with fear, excitement, and God's peace over inviting two children into our family. I'm distancing myself from people who don't support us because I simply find it hard to be around them. And I'm determined to make sure that these kids, the ones in our home and the others in custody, know that they are loved.

If people are going to say hurtful things to me, ask me questions that sting, chances are I won't want our kids around them. Because I refuse for any child to feel that they are less than simply because of how they joined our family. And I feel like a lot of people look at those of us who foster as less than. Which is not how it should be. (NOTE: We have a lot of wonderfully supportive people. I thank God for them every single day. We could not do this without them.)

Just because you don't give birth to a child does not make you less of a mother. Just because a child may leave your home does not make them less a part of your family. Just because we're not having a baby of our own right now does not mean we are not parents.

I could honestly go on and on. I know not everyone is called to foster or adopt. But everyone is called to care for the orphan. So if you aren't one who wants or could foster or adopt, then support those who are.

(PS: For those of you who don't know, we will have two children in our home by the middle of May. A teenager and a toddler. We start our classes in May, we finally got our initial house assessment approved, and all of our paperwork is turned in. Any questions about our decision to foster? Feel free to email me. Want to help us? Feel free to email me as well. We have quite a few needs as the children that are in foster care generally enter homes with nothing. Want to help in other ways? Feel free to email me. I can give you a whole list of ways to help in Oklahoma.)

my head alongside my heart

How is it that one event can simultaneously be one of the best things to ever happen to you and also one of the worst?

That one event for me, right now, is knee surgery. It might not be the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. (It's not.) And I am sure there may be many more worse things on their way. But right now, my life feels consumed by knee surgery.

It's been just over two months since I had the surgery. I thought that, by this time, I would be cranking out the miles on the stationary bicycle. That I would be showing off my newfound quadricep strength. That I would be back to work. But I am none of those things.

I rode the stationary bicycle for the first time on Monday. Eight minutes. No resistance, and I didn't spin fast enough for the monitor to come on and register that I was there pedaling away. In fact, it was hard. I could feel it in my IT Band and struggled not to compensate by letting my right foot due most of the work while my left foot flopped and moved so I wouldn't have to work so hard.

I'm not back at work. That makes me feel like a failure. Even worse I feel like I'm not making the most of my time off. I'm not writing as much as I should. I have lots of arts and crafts projects to work on. And yet, I find myself just sitting. I've had things to focus on but I haven't used the time to do things for myself or better myself. Rather I have almost punished myself for being off work. It's hard to do things I enjoy when I feel like I shouldn't be able to. Not sure if that makes any sense (it barely does to me).

I know that the knee surgery was necessary. One of the reasons this recovery is such a struggle is because I have needed the surgery for longer than I realized and for longer than I wanted to admit. My fall in December made it so there was no other choice, but I had ignored the signs for years prior.

And I know that one day I will be glad I had this knee surgery. When it's easier to participate in spin class (not that spin is ever easy). When I can go up the stairs using both legs. When I'm back to normal. When I don't have to worry about tripping and falling and feeling the agony of a dislocated, and then relocated, patella.

But right now, in the somewhat early morning while I waste a bit of time before physical therapy, I'm not glad. Right now I am struggling with the knee surgery. Right now I am fighting away fears that I'll never fully recover. Right now I find myself stuck in a place that I don't quite know how to get out of. Jen Hatmaker called it the duldrums, and I think that's what it is. Because there's no depression or anything like that. There's just a feeling of being stuck.

I've gained weight since the knee surgery. Not a lot by what the scale says. But it's still weight. And maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me, but I feel like it's obvious. It's a gain of about eight pounds. And for over two months of knee surgery recovery, two months of very little activity and too much Chik-Fil-A and macaroni and cheese, it's not a bad gain. But I want to stop the number from climbing any higher. I'm the one who has to stop it. Who needs to deal with the kitchen and refrigerator and ease of the drive-through.

And even though sometimes it feels like there is nothing but negativity stemming from the surgery and this recovery, I know there is good. I'm rested. More rested than I have been in over a year. I'm happy, in a lot of ways, with the direction our life is taking. Announcing our plan to become parents and then seeing the progress that is slowly being made has been good for me. It's been a reminder that things are happening.

I'm realizing more and more what my passions are. I know what issues get me riled up. And I've rediscovered a strength to fight those issues. I want to share my passions with people and with the Church. I want to remind everyone of how important the issues are and of the positions we are all in to do something about those issues.

And I'm gaining courage. Not a lot just yet (or I probably wouldn't be struggling with the duldrums) but enough to spur me on and remind me that I can do this and that God's hand is in all of it. Enough for me to step out of my comfort zone and allow Him to take over on certain issues. Enough for me to really wonder and dream of certain things. Enough for me to fully open myself up to possibilities I had ignored for a long time.

I still don't know what all of this means for my blog. I have plenty of weight left to lose. And I need to do something about losing it. I've been complacent and taken a back seat to it for a long time. That means I need to truly deal with the issues of why I haven't lost the weight. It's not as simple as me cleaning out my refrigerator and buying produce. I know that about myself. I don't want my blog to be only about weight loss. Because, for me, that would lead me into an unhealthy relationship with myself and with food. I refuse to let that happen.

I also don't want my blog to only be about parenting or foster care. Though those things are important. However, there's not a lot I could share, and therefore the blog would remain silent.

I also don't think I can write a blog dedicated entirely to faith. Yes, my faith runs throughout the posts and is always there, but I don't think I could come up with enough content to always write about it. Because I have days when I just struggle.

Maybe it will be a combination of it all. A better reflection of my life as a whole. We'll see. Right now, my life is recovery. Right now, my life is fighting the duldrums. Right now, my life is waiting.

(title from "i will wait" by mumford and sons)

where have i been?

I've been such a bad blogger. I want to be better. I really do. And I have so much to share. It's just that things like fighting with the IRS over taxes and trying to get the ball rolling on our approval for foster care and adoption and also going to physical therapy have gotten in the way.

Also? My life is boring. My weight loss is stagnant. And I am wrestling with a whole lot when it comes to life and God's plan for my life.

I promise I'm working on it. This getting back into blogging. Because I miss it and I want to share. It's just taking me a little while.