my head alongside my heart

How is it that one event can simultaneously be one of the best things to ever happen to you and also one of the worst?

That one event for me, right now, is knee surgery. It might not be the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. (It's not.) And I am sure there may be many more worse things on their way. But right now, my life feels consumed by knee surgery.

It's been just over two months since I had the surgery. I thought that, by this time, I would be cranking out the miles on the stationary bicycle. That I would be showing off my newfound quadricep strength. That I would be back to work. But I am none of those things.

I rode the stationary bicycle for the first time on Monday. Eight minutes. No resistance, and I didn't spin fast enough for the monitor to come on and register that I was there pedaling away. In fact, it was hard. I could feel it in my IT Band and struggled not to compensate by letting my right foot due most of the work while my left foot flopped and moved so I wouldn't have to work so hard.

I'm not back at work. That makes me feel like a failure. Even worse I feel like I'm not making the most of my time off. I'm not writing as much as I should. I have lots of arts and crafts projects to work on. And yet, I find myself just sitting. I've had things to focus on but I haven't used the time to do things for myself or better myself. Rather I have almost punished myself for being off work. It's hard to do things I enjoy when I feel like I shouldn't be able to. Not sure if that makes any sense (it barely does to me).

I know that the knee surgery was necessary. One of the reasons this recovery is such a struggle is because I have needed the surgery for longer than I realized and for longer than I wanted to admit. My fall in December made it so there was no other choice, but I had ignored the signs for years prior.

And I know that one day I will be glad I had this knee surgery. When it's easier to participate in spin class (not that spin is ever easy). When I can go up the stairs using both legs. When I'm back to normal. When I don't have to worry about tripping and falling and feeling the agony of a dislocated, and then relocated, patella.

But right now, in the somewhat early morning while I waste a bit of time before physical therapy, I'm not glad. Right now I am struggling with the knee surgery. Right now I am fighting away fears that I'll never fully recover. Right now I find myself stuck in a place that I don't quite know how to get out of. Jen Hatmaker called it the duldrums, and I think that's what it is. Because there's no depression or anything like that. There's just a feeling of being stuck.

I've gained weight since the knee surgery. Not a lot by what the scale says. But it's still weight. And maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me, but I feel like it's obvious. It's a gain of about eight pounds. And for over two months of knee surgery recovery, two months of very little activity and too much Chik-Fil-A and macaroni and cheese, it's not a bad gain. But I want to stop the number from climbing any higher. I'm the one who has to stop it. Who needs to deal with the kitchen and refrigerator and ease of the drive-through.

And even though sometimes it feels like there is nothing but negativity stemming from the surgery and this recovery, I know there is good. I'm rested. More rested than I have been in over a year. I'm happy, in a lot of ways, with the direction our life is taking. Announcing our plan to become parents and then seeing the progress that is slowly being made has been good for me. It's been a reminder that things are happening.

I'm realizing more and more what my passions are. I know what issues get me riled up. And I've rediscovered a strength to fight those issues. I want to share my passions with people and with the Church. I want to remind everyone of how important the issues are and of the positions we are all in to do something about those issues.

And I'm gaining courage. Not a lot just yet (or I probably wouldn't be struggling with the duldrums) but enough to spur me on and remind me that I can do this and that God's hand is in all of it. Enough for me to step out of my comfort zone and allow Him to take over on certain issues. Enough for me to really wonder and dream of certain things. Enough for me to fully open myself up to possibilities I had ignored for a long time.

I still don't know what all of this means for my blog. I have plenty of weight left to lose. And I need to do something about losing it. I've been complacent and taken a back seat to it for a long time. That means I need to truly deal with the issues of why I haven't lost the weight. It's not as simple as me cleaning out my refrigerator and buying produce. I know that about myself. I don't want my blog to be only about weight loss. Because, for me, that would lead me into an unhealthy relationship with myself and with food. I refuse to let that happen.

I also don't want my blog to only be about parenting or foster care. Though those things are important. However, there's not a lot I could share, and therefore the blog would remain silent.

I also don't think I can write a blog dedicated entirely to faith. Yes, my faith runs throughout the posts and is always there, but I don't think I could come up with enough content to always write about it. Because I have days when I just struggle.

Maybe it will be a combination of it all. A better reflection of my life as a whole. We'll see. Right now, my life is recovery. Right now, my life is fighting the duldrums. Right now, my life is waiting.

(title from "i will wait" by mumford and sons)

a knee update

It's been a roller coaster of emotions and of pain since surgery Friday morning. My husband has been there with me every step of the way - even falling asleep on the living room floor Saturday night holding my hand because he knew I couldn't fall asleep by myself. He's helped me off the couch and into the bathroom and then back onto the couch. He's been my cheerleader as I've used my crutches to make it through the downstairs of our house.

I'm doing okay. My mom says I look great and sound great. And compared to the last knee surgery I had 10 years ago, I am doing much better. But it's still hard. And I feel like the farther I move from surgery the more it starts to hurt.

I want to be able to get through this just with ibuprofen, but my lack of pain tolerance makes that impossible. So I tried just taking a pain pill very four hours which worked for a little while and then stopped. Now I am back to a combination of ibuprofen and pain pills.

I shared this tweet with my mom and my husband earlier today. And I retweeted it. I'm sharing it here now because it's giving me a lot of strength. And I hope it does the same for you.

I feel blessed and loved to have someone dedicate a run to me. And I feel inspired to do the same once I am off the couch and finished with rehab.

I also am reminded of how far I have come since I started this journey. Yes, I've lost weight, but more than that, I feel like I have gained so much knowledge about myself. And I've grown to have close relationships. It's been a difficult few years but they have been more than worth it. I'm excited to see what the next year hold as far as losing weight, finding myself, and building closer relationships.

The amount of love being sent my way and the amount of prayers has been remarkable. I've felt every bit of it, and it's reminded me that I will get through this surgery and I will come back even stronger.

The surgery itself was a success from what the orthopedic surgeon told my husband and mother-in-law. It was open knee surgery, so I will have a scar the runs the length of my knee. The surgeon feels as though he stabilized my patella (my husband might have also added that it's amazing I went as long as I did without surgery) by tightening and moving my muscles. He cleaned up quite a bit of cartilage as well.

Surgery won't fix all the issues. I'll spend a lot of time in physical therapy and rehabbing my knee. But this was the start. It makes me feel grateful for the opportunity to have knee surgery - not everyone can afford the surgery itself or taking time off work.

It's a blessing to get to share this part of my story with you all. I'm excited to continue to share with you all. Life has been moving so quickly and in so many wonderful ways. I know this knee surgery will turn out to be a wonderful things.

Thank you all for being here. For commenting on my posts and for following along. I haven't been the best at responding to comments, but I do read every single one.

And thank you again, Laurie, for taking the time to dedicate a run to me. You've inspired me to stay strong and see the end result of getting off the couch as soon as I can.