this is not the end

Today marks 10 days post-knee surgery. When I first learned I would need and subsequently have a third knee surgery, I was told that I could return to light duty after a week. So I had plans to trek back to the office today - free of crutches and just a little in pain.

I expected more than I should have. I was more optimistic than ever before which also meant I strayed from reality. And the reality is that I had a major surgery - not a minor surgery. The reality is that I need to give my body time to heal. Which is why I'm still at home tapering off on pain pills and wishing ibuprofen worked as well as prescription pain pills.

I want to push it. I want to be the exception to what is expected when recovering from knee surgery. My brain is weeks ahead of my body.

I've always been a busy person. For the past year, I've worked two jobs - spending at least 60 hours working most weeks. And for a lot of that time, I made it to the gym as well. It was a lot to do all at once, but it was doable and I enjoyed it for the most part. I miss working. I miss getting out of the house and seeing people. This time off has made me realize that I'm most likely not meant for a life spent working from home.

But I know that right now the best thing I can do is to rest. It's what I need to do.
I'm ready to finish my weight loss journey. I'm ready to make health my lifestyle. And letting myself heal is the first step to where I currently am. If I don't heal right now, then I'll suffer for he rest of my life. And I am done suffering.

I did manage to get out of the house on Sunday. It was only the second time out since surgery - the first being a more emotional and draining trip to see the orthopedic surgeon. We went to church and then out to lunch.

It was a little scary to leave the house, but if I'm going to make it back to work by the end of the week as I'm hoping and planning to, then I need to get more comfortable with getting out of the house - especially since I'll be on my own with getting to work once the time comes.

The day started off well. I got my shoes on, my hair somewhat styled, and a little bit of make-up put on all by myself. It doesn't seem like a huge feat, but I felt so successful - like I had just overcome a huge mountain. I had the confidence to make it out of the house for the day and more energy than I thought I would.

Having my first non-medical trip be to church was perfect. We were greeted by so many people and cared for as we found seats in the back. By finally reaching out and asking for help, I've found that we are loved more than I could have imagined. People genuinely want to be there for us in the ways that are feasible for them. It's made me feel a part of a community that is so much larger than my almost 2200 sq. ft. house.

And the sermon? I needed to hear every word of it. Realizations continued to hit me as I listened. I haven't been as down on myself (or my situation) during this time of recovery as I may have a few months ago or years ago. But I also haven't been as filled with joy as I could have been.

Yesterday, it became clear.

I've needed this knee surgery for a long time - years really. The surgeon commented that he didn't know how I had been walking around with so much looseness in my knee. But I've always been able to rest my knee and then get on with my life following dislocations of my patella and other injuries.

At this moment, we are in the process of starting a Community Group out of our house. My husband and I are both ready to dive into our church in a ways we never have been before. We want to open up our lives and our home to people. Having knee surgery has forced me to ask for help and to break down the walls I spent years building and strengthening. Had I not let these walls tumble down, had I not bee hit with how selfish it is for me to push people away, I wouldn't be ready to invite true community into my life.

I said that my word for 2013 was going to be faith. What I meant was that I wanted to grow my faith - to spend more time reading my Bible, to pray more frequently and fervently, to not worry about worldly things and to really press into God. I didn't realize how much my faith would be tested and how much God would meet me. He tends to be better at seeing the future than I am.

This year has challenged me. And we're not even halfway through the second month. And I can tell that February is going to be so much more than January was.

It's scary to have my faith stretched like this, but it's what I welcomed in when I said my word would be faith. God will use this year to bring me closer to Him and to help tear away the things that don't matter - just as He has torn down the walls I've built.

I'm excited to share my journey of faith here. To let you know how God is moving me and stretching me. To hopefully help you lean further into Him too. And to help myself to lean further into Him as well.

Back before I had surgery, I began working my way through a Bible reading plan on SheReadsTruth. And almost immediately, I came across the verse from Exodus 14:14 that reads "The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still." When I first read it, I told Justin how fitting it was as I would be forced to be still following knee surgery. I even shared the verse. In the past few days, it's really hit me how true the words are.

God has moved as I've been still. I haven't been working two jobs. I've spent quality time with my husband. I've made time for God every single morning. I've rested - a lot. And God has revealed Himself to me in ways He never has before. He's taken away most of my worries. He's blessed us with rebates that weren't supposed to be here until later in February. He led us to move church campuses right before I would need knee surgery. He's gone before us in everything and met us at every turn.

And while I still want my body to catch up to my mind, I'm also enjoying the stillness. I love that God is showing me just how BIG He is and how SMALL I am. It makes me so excited to spread His love for the rest of the year.

(title from "i will show you love" by kendall payne)

PS: Feel free to join me over at Meg's blog for Mingle Monday and at Sar's blog for This Weekend, I!

a knee update

It's been a roller coaster of emotions and of pain since surgery Friday morning. My husband has been there with me every step of the way - even falling asleep on the living room floor Saturday night holding my hand because he knew I couldn't fall asleep by myself. He's helped me off the couch and into the bathroom and then back onto the couch. He's been my cheerleader as I've used my crutches to make it through the downstairs of our house.

I'm doing okay. My mom says I look great and sound great. And compared to the last knee surgery I had 10 years ago, I am doing much better. But it's still hard. And I feel like the farther I move from surgery the more it starts to hurt.

I want to be able to get through this just with ibuprofen, but my lack of pain tolerance makes that impossible. So I tried just taking a pain pill very four hours which worked for a little while and then stopped. Now I am back to a combination of ibuprofen and pain pills.

I shared this tweet with my mom and my husband earlier today. And I retweeted it. I'm sharing it here now because it's giving me a lot of strength. And I hope it does the same for you.

I feel blessed and loved to have someone dedicate a run to me. And I feel inspired to do the same once I am off the couch and finished with rehab.

I also am reminded of how far I have come since I started this journey. Yes, I've lost weight, but more than that, I feel like I have gained so much knowledge about myself. And I've grown to have close relationships. It's been a difficult few years but they have been more than worth it. I'm excited to see what the next year hold as far as losing weight, finding myself, and building closer relationships.

The amount of love being sent my way and the amount of prayers has been remarkable. I've felt every bit of it, and it's reminded me that I will get through this surgery and I will come back even stronger.

The surgery itself was a success from what the orthopedic surgeon told my husband and mother-in-law. It was open knee surgery, so I will have a scar the runs the length of my knee. The surgeon feels as though he stabilized my patella (my husband might have also added that it's amazing I went as long as I did without surgery) by tightening and moving my muscles. He cleaned up quite a bit of cartilage as well.

Surgery won't fix all the issues. I'll spend a lot of time in physical therapy and rehabbing my knee. But this was the start. It makes me feel grateful for the opportunity to have knee surgery - not everyone can afford the surgery itself or taking time off work.

It's a blessing to get to share this part of my story with you all. I'm excited to continue to share with you all. Life has been moving so quickly and in so many wonderful ways. I know this knee surgery will turn out to be a wonderful things.

Thank you all for being here. For commenting on my posts and for following along. I haven't been the best at responding to comments, but I do read every single one.

And thank you again, Laurie, for taking the time to dedicate a run to me. You've inspired me to stay strong and see the end result of getting off the couch as soon as I can.

the light that's in the dark

How is it only January 3rd? This might sound like a strange question but the past day and a half have been more trying than they should have been.

going home. with a big incision.

I mentioned on Twitter and Instagram that one of our dogs, Rascal, had to have surgery. He had a large mass that we weren't sure was benign or malignant. It was progressively getting bigger and after his yearly check-up on Monday, the vet said he needed surgery. So I did what no dog lover ever wants to do: I dropped him off at the vet early Wednesday morning and left him confused and alone in a kennel while I cried my way to work. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

My husband found Rascal when he was less than 8 weeks old. He was abandoned on the streets, filthy (and stinky!) and followed my husband and Brandy (our other dog) home. I tried to get someone else to take him because I really didn't think we could handle or afford two dogs, but he was destined to be ours. Why do I tell this story? So you know that he has abandonment issues. And I feel like every time I take him to the vet or leave him elsewhere, he thinks I am abandoning him.

When I picked him up late yesterday, he had a huge line of stitches and I learned the mass was larger than expected. But benign.A hefty vet bill later, we headed home, and he rested. Somehow during the night, between dinner and my returning from a hectic night of being a social worker, he stretched the stitches and was bleeding and hurting and just not himself. So he and I slept (uncomfortably) on the couch. That was the only way I could monitor him.

And I don't think what I did can really count as sleep. There was some resting of the eyes but no real slumber. I was too worried about every noise and move he made.

When I left for work this morning, he was fine. The incision looked good. He ate a good breakfast, drank some water but not too much, and seemed to forget he had an incision to worry about. I'm just hoping and praying that continues until my husband returns home.

This might seem like a small thing. But our dogs mean more to us than I can even put into words. And Rascal? He has a special place in all of our hearts because of how we found him and because of just how much he loves us (we wake up to dog kisses pretty much every day and go to bed with dog kisses as well). Brandy, with all her anxious energy and need for constant attention, also has a special place. We love them equally but differently.

source

No matter what, I will not let anything steal my joy about the coming year. I feel like that's what the past few days have tried to do. Really, to be honest, I feel like that's what the past month has tried to do. But it won't happen. My God is bigger than any circumstance, and He will carry me through anything and everything.

While others wrote of their words for the year, I mentioned my song for 2013 because I didn't think there was a word that would culminate all aspects of my life. I stand behind that song. But I think I was wrong because there is a word that will and should culminate 2013.

This year, my word is going to be faith. Faith in God. Faith in His timing. Faith in His ways - even when they don't make sense to me. Faith in His callings. Faith.

With weight loss, I have to depend on Him for strength. With finances, I have to depend on Him for blessings and then depend on Him to help us use our resources wisely. With health, I have to depend on Him to walk with me when I find it hard to stand up. With marriage, I have to depend on Him to have grace, love, and respect for my husband at all times.

source

My faith is not weak. But I have not spent nearly enough time praying, listening, reading or just being still. That changes this year. Yes, I feel I am called to do all the things I do - work for a non-profit, work as a social worker at night, blog, be married, be in community - but God never intended for those things to keep me so busy that I don't rest in Him or look to Him for direction at all times (and not just when I am having a minor or major freak out).

That changes this year. I think that's why this year is going to be such a big year. Because He is going to be an even bigger part of it.

(title from "you are" by colton dixon)

PS: Link up with Jena and Katie for a little of This and That Thursday.

 

 

the proof that i leave

With the start of the new year, there have been reflections on the past 365 days and resolutions made. Others have mentioned the word they want 2013 to embody.

I thought about a word for 2013 but honestly I couldn't think of a word. I don't want 2013 to be about just one specific part of my life - be it my health, my relationship with God, or work. I want 2013 to be a year all about everything.

We celebrated the coming of the new year with friends, drinks, and good food. We sat around the dining room table and discussed our hopes for the new year. As I listened to everyone else, it struck me just how big of a year 2013 will likely be.

I've done a lot in my 27 years. The past year has been a year that has changed me and shaped me - all for the better. It has been a year that has reignited my love for social work and foster care. It has been a year that has reminded me how important love is to the world. It has been a year that God has been present in the darkest moments and in the brightest moments.

I have the feeling that 2013 is going to further change my life. I don't know exactly how that will happen or what that means. I just know that 2013 is going to be a major year.

And with it being such a major year, I can't assign just one word to it. But I've found a song that embodies what I want the year to be. A song that embodies what I want my life to be.

I stumbled upon it a few months ago, and it has stuck with me ever since. I hear it in my head randomly and remember the lyrics when things seem tough.  It's the song that I would have written if I were any good at writing lyrics and could put notes to paper.

It's called "I Was Here" by Beyonce.
The words are everything I want my life to be. They're everything I've always wanted my life to be. I may not change the world. And that's okay. But to make even the smallest impact on another life? That's why I'm here. Why I think we're all here.

2013 will be the year I lose weight. 2013 will be the year I write more. 2013 will be the year I love harder and better. 2013 will be the year I lean into and trust God with everything. 2013 will be the year I make a difference, the year I leave my mark, the year I gave my all and did my best. The year I leave the world a little better just because I was here.

What will your 2013 be?
(title from "i was here" by beyonce)

we'll conquer them all

I saw the following survey on Howdy Girl and thought I would give it a try. Makes wrapping up the eyar 2012 a bit easier for me. Maybe in 2013 I will learn how to better sort, file, and label my posts? Also maybe I will do a better job of taking lots of pictures in 2013...

What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before? 2012 was a big year. We sold our first house, signed a contract to build a new house, and moved in with my in-laws. We also moved into our new house. We hosted Christmas (a day late) at our house.

Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I did make resolutions for 2013. The resolutions I made for 2012 I didn't keep all the way. Though I am much happier than I was when 2012 started. And that's worth more than keeping any number of resolutions in my book.

Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes. Although more people are due in 2013 than were in 2012.

What countries did you visit? Does Texas count as a country?

What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012? More free time. I'm not sure if that will happen naturally or if it is something I will have to make happen. There is so much I didn't do in 2012 due to lack of free time, and I refuse to use that as an excuse in 2013.

What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory? I'm not the best at remembering dates. My husband is much better at that. But there were a lot of dates that stick out. I started two new jobs in February. I moved into our new house on December 1st.

What was your biggest achievement of the year? Not giving up. I haven't always been great at sticking to my plan of weight loss, but I have never given up. I think the fact that I also joined Weight Watchers is a big achievement. It took quite a lot for me to ask for help and admit that my way of losing weight just wasn't cutting it.

What was your biggest failure? I do not want to look back at 2012 as a year that had any failures. Rather I am determined to see setbacks and what I learned from them. You only fail if you don't try again.

Did you suffer illness or injury? Yes. Most recently I hurt my left knee. You can read about my thoughts regarding my illnesses and injuries here. I take full responsibility for how I have treated my body and vow to make 2013 a healthier year.

What was the best thing you bought? Our new house. Appaently, 2012 was the year of our house which is odd since we will celebrate a month in our house tomorrow.

Whose behavior merited celebration? My husband. He has been a constant source of companionship. He has also lovingly called me out on my unhealthy habits and supported me even when I was not doing well with weight loss. I feel truly blessed by him.

Where did most of your money go? Target. At least I save 5% on every transaction with my RedCard. Though it is a little startingly to look at how much I have saved and then multiply it by 20... We also spent quite a bit of money on our old house - getting it ready to be sold. Then there are bills (mortgage, car payment, student loans, etc.). We also did a better job of giving money away.

What did you get really, really, really excited about? Moving into our new house. Selling our old house. Seeing where God is taking us and what all He is doing in our lives. The weekend I spent with my best friend.

What song will always remind you of 2012? This is a tough one. I'm not sure there is one song that will remind me of 2012 more than any other. One song I listened to a lot was Before The Morning by Josh Wilson. I started listening to it in 2011 and it helped to carry me into and through 2012. I also love everything by Taylor Swift and Mumford & Sons.

Compared to this time last year, are you:

• Happier or sadder? Happier!
• Thinner or fatter? Thinner!
• Richer or poorer? Richer!
• What do you wish you’d done more of? Reading, writing, crafting!
• What do you wish you’d done less of? Shopping... Then I would be even richer.

How will you be spending did you spend Christmas? We celebrated 4 Christmases this year. It was one of the best holiday seasons I have ever had.

Did you fall in love in 2012? I stayed in-love with my husband. I also grew to love him in a deeper way and also grew to respect him even more.

How many one-night stands? Zero. I am happily married, you know.

Who were your best friends? Jackie. My husband. I've also grown much closer to a few of our couple friends. I am so thankful for couple friends.

What thing did you do that was meaningful to others? I hope a lot.. I do a lot that I don't talk about on the blog. And for me, I want it to stay that way. I do meaningful things to bless others - not to get recognition.

What were your favorite TV programs? Grey's Anatomy, How I Met Your Mother, Hart of Dixie, Modern Family, New Girl... to name a few.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? No. I also didn't hate anyone in 2012. Life is too short for hate.

What was the best book you read in 2012? Love Does by Bob Goff.

What was your greatest musical discovery? I adore the new Mumford & Sons album.

What did you want and get? A new house. Two new jobs.

What did you want but did NOT get? A new MacBook. I don't need one just yet, but I will soon. Maybe in 2013?

What was your favorite film of this year? Argo was incredible - probably one of the best movies I have ever seen.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 27. My parents flew Justin and I to Houston to celebrate. Celebrating my birthday with my parents and brother was such a blessing.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? I really can't think of anything. 2012 was what I needed. And there's no point in wishing it had been different.

What kept you sane? Music. Working out. My husband.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Justin Timberlake (who my husband claims is his twin....). I'm pretty sure he will be the celebrity/public figure I always fancy the most.

What political issue stirred you the most? Almost everything. There's a reason I do not talk about politics; it's just not worth arguing about. I am entitled to my opinions and you are entitled to yours.

Who did you miss? My parents. My Nana. My grandma and grandpa. My brother. My aunt and cousins. I'm hoping to see my family more in 2013..

Who was the best new person you met this year? I met a lot of people this year, and they all positively impacted my life. I am looking forward to continuing some very special friendships for several years. I'm being vague because I honestly don't think any one person was better than the other. I am probably most thankful for the girls at the group home; they turned me into a mom and gave me a lot of passion for foster care and social work.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012. God is bigger than anything and everything. He is always at work.

Also.. Love wins - every single time.

Quote that sums up your year... "Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot... Nothing is going to get better. It's not." The Lorax, Dr. Seuss

(title from "awake my soul" by mumford & sons)

sunday social (link up)

It's hard to believe 2013 will be here in just a few days. 2012 has been filled with ups (like building and buying a new house), downs (like hurting my knee) and everything else in between.

I used to look forward to the next year like nothing else. I was always ready to move on and become the best me I could be.

Lately, I've realized that I am the best me I can be. Right in this moment. The start of a new year just means I can continue to grow and change.

I thought it fitting to link up with Neely and Ashley on the last Sunday of 2012 and welcome the new year with a few memories and resolutions.

1. Favorite New Years Eve you’ve had before: To be honest, I've never had an especially memorable New Years Eve. Those nights are always so hyped up, and often times, they fall short. I don't have any nights spent ringing in the new year out on the town or anything of the short. But I have spent many a New Years Eve with friends - laughing, eating good food, possibly drinking a bit too much... So I can't pick just one night. I've enjoyed every New Years Eve with friends - even when I fell asleep on the couch before the ball dropped.

2. Are you doing anything for New Years Eve this year? And if so, what? We are having friends over to our house this year. I'm planning to make Beer Chicken Legs and Thighs in the Crock Pot, Weight Watchers Twice Baked Potatoes, Roasted Brussels Sprouts, Roasted Asparagus, and a Weight Watchers Fruit Cobbler. I may also consume the remain PointsPlus Weekly Balance in wine and beer that night.

3. Name a book we should all read come January? I didn't read nearly as much as I wanted to over 2012. I'd love to say that will change in 2013, but I would need a few more vacations to the beach and quite a bit more free time to make that happen.

For fun, I would recommend the Mortal Instruments series. They're an easy read and quite entertaining.

As for the book that impacted my life the most this year, that would be Love Does. Such a wonderful read and a great reminder that love is so important. I hope to continue loving well and loving often in 2013.

4. What are your (2013) New Years resolutions? I have quite a few. Though some I am not sure if they are resolutions or just hopes for the new year, so I won't share those just yet.

i. Commit to Weight Watchers. I went to my first meeting on Saturday - which also means I weighed in on Saturday. The weight was much higher than I wanted it to be but it is what it is. And it's time for me to move forward. No reason to be upset about the number when I have the opportunity to move on.

ii. Eat more fruits and vegetables. Now that they don't count as far as PointsPlus, I find myself eating more of them. Before I was so worried about the calories they contained that I wouldn't eat them but would decide to eat something less healthy. No longer.

iii. Write more. I have a novel I've been pecking at for a while now. It is quite vivid in my mind, and I need to spend more time working on it. I owe it to myself and to the characters. I also want to grow my blog.

iv. Exercise four times a week. It doesn't have to be an hour-long session each time, but doing something active four times a week will help me in every way possible.

v. Tithe at least 10%.

vi. Pay off debt. We've started working on this and have a plan in place. 2013 is the year to make it happen. It helps that now I want to stay home and cook rather than go out. Who would have thought that would ever happen?

it's time now

I started 2012 with hopes of completing my weight loss journey. I am ending 2012 still in the midst of my weight loss journey.

There's a rather large part of me that feels like I failed. Like 2012 was nothing what it should have been. Like I let myself down and let everyone else down. But there is no reason for me to feel that way.

I didn't finish my weight loss journey this year. I'm still a ways away from the ever illusive one-derland. But I am on my way.

This year, I've tried and I've failed to lose enough wait to be in one-derland. I could focus on the failure. But why? At least I have continued to try. And I will continue to try into 2013.

I wanted 2012 to be the year. It wasn't. So now I move onto 2013 with the hope that it will be the year. I'm changing a few things for the upcoming year. I'm seeking out more support. I'm asking for help and allowing myself to receive the help I need. I'm setting a goal for Operation Red Bikini of wearing a size 10 by May 31, 2013.

I'm quite certain I'll never wear a bikini. No one else needs to see any of the stretch marks I have. Or the cellulite. But the point is not to wear a red bikini; the point is to find a goal and obtain in. This combined with the Facebook Weight Loss Challenge will help me to remain focused.

A large part of me wanted to lose weight all on my own (read: I didn't want to use Weight Watchers). I think I felt that way because I wanted to prove to myself that the weight loss would be easy. I wanted to be a success story without the assistance of chain weight loss institutions.

But I haven't been that success story yet. And I realized on Friday (the same day I mentioned the possibility of attempting Weight Watchers) that I desperately needed the help. So I joined Weight Watchers that day and immediately started tracking. There's something so freeing about tracking points instead of counting calories. And I like knowing how many extra points I can eat throughout the week. With calories counting, I never really understood how many extra calories I could consume throughout the week, so I often went over my calorie goal every single day and told myself it would all be okay.

It never was all okay. The fact that my once loose jeans are now a bit snug proves that. The scale shows an increase, and I can feel it too. Feeling the added weight is always hard - especially after realizing how much lighter you feel without it. It's not just the literal feeling of added weight; it's the emotional feeling and how it zaps any self confidence I once had.

I've tried a lot of diets. And I've been somewhat successful with them. But south beach diet isn't going to be something I can continue my whole life. I love carbs way too much for that. Weight Watchers? It's more lifestyle and realistic and if Jessica Simpson can do it then so can I.

I thought about waiting until the clock struck midnight and I stole a kiss to ring in the new year, but there's no reason to wait. And waiting would only make me hold tighter onto my pride. My sweet husband was supportive of my decision to add another monthly expense to our budget without consulting him directly due to his being at work and unreachable by phone (it also helps that my job will reimburse up to half of the cost of membership!); he wants to see me succeed more than anyone. He knows how much I want this and he would do anything to help me get there. I'm so grateful for the cheerleader and support and shoulder to cry on I have in him.

There will be more ups and more downs. Weight Watchers isn't going to magically fix things. But it's going to offer me help and support and a program that's proven to be successful.

What about you? Do you have a goal you would like to reach - a red bikini all your own? Don't spend any more time wasting that goal. Go for it. Do whatver you have to to make it happen - even if it means swallowing your pride.

(title from "red" by taylor swift)