the girl behind the blog (a vlog about passions!)

Can I just say how excited I am to get to link up again for The Girl Behind The Blog? I love this prompt. God has been doing such a huge work on my heart when it comes to passion and the callings He has placed on my life. I am so excited to get to share with you all today!

If you want to learn more about why we're fostering and our journey (so far), here are the posts you should check out:

Our Announcement.
God ruining my life for the orphan.
Foster Care is a JESUS thing.
Learning to have grace.
Not everyone is called to foster but we're all called to help.

As much as I hate that I had knee surgery, I'm thankful for how God is using it to teach me. And as frustrated as I am that I'm not 100%, and I am more than frustrated, I'm grateful that I'm getting stronger and that I'll soon be healthy and able to return to work and able to love on lots of kids.

He is good, y'all. So, so good. And He desires to give us all good gifts - even though the gifts may not seem good at the time. I can't wait to see how God is moving in everyone else's passions and lives!

why i will never say never again

I tend to be more of a black and white person. Things either are or they aren't. Simple as that.

Except it isn't as simple as that. There is more of a grey area than there are black and white areas. And that grey area is where I need to spend more time.

If I could learn anything when I was younger, it would be to never say never. Because the word never is an ugly word, a word that will make you eat all those things you said in the past. And even though I've heard from others to never say never, I just did not think it had any place in my own life.

I used to say (repeatedly) that I never wanted children. I also said I would ever get married. That I never wanted to get to a point where I would stay home from work. That I would never want to live in the suburbs.

Now, I'm married. I actually want children. And I live in the suburbs. So far, I'm three for four. And I'm a completely different person now than I was at the ripe age of 21 and 22.

While I regret saying never for myself, I truly regret saying never to other people. The word of never, when talking about what I don't want, hurts other people.

If I say I never want something, it means that I think it is wrong for my own life. And, even though I never realized it as a younger 20-something, it comes across as me thinking things are wrong for other people.

I regret all the times I said I never. And if I could go back, I would take all those things back. But I can't go back; I can only go forward.

And going forward I am going to stop saying never. Going forward I am going to be open to what the future holds instead of focusing just on what I think I want in the moment.

a little about me (influence network link up)

It's late in the day today. I've spent the majority of the day wanting to write but not knowing what to write. Writer's block.. it's a real thing. And it is so not my friend.

I considered doing Weight Loss Wednesday, but I need a break from that. The scale's not moving at all. Or maybe it is moving - just in the wrong direction.

A few weeks ago, I joined the Influence Network. I have been beyond blessed by the network and the forums in the short amount of time I've been a member. So, after a lot of thinking and sleeping through my alarm this morning and then watching a terrible movie, I think I finally have something to say and am linking up with a whole lot of beautiful, amazing women for The Influential Women Link Up.

The guidelines are simple: 3 things about yourself. 1 thing you've learned on the Network. 1 photo that you love of yourself.

1. Until recently (read: today), I thought I really never wanted to have kids. My husband and I have discussed fostering and adopting since our wedding in 2008. But I've constantly said not yet. I even mapped out a timeline for myself and how long I wanted to be married before having kids. And I never had that huge, heartbreaking desire to have children at home. I just didn't think it would ever happen to me.

A lot has changed lately. God's taken a rough, frustrating, exhausting, crappy situation (knee surgery) and turned it into a life changing experience. An experience that left me wanting to have a baby to love on. Does that mean we're going to jump right into starting our own family right now? Not necessarily. But it does mean that I know it is something I want. And that's something I know God will honor. In the words of Jen Hatmaker: If you are for the orphan, God is for you.

2. I will never be a runner. But I will be an athlete (again) soon. Still I will always and forever love doing things like The Color Run and The Dirty 30. I can't wait to take part in those activities once I am able. And I can't wait to remind people that they can still participate even if they aren't physically able to run.

(I chose this picture because it reminds me of how much fun I had with my mom when we were in Tulsa for The Color Run. And I look genuinely happy in it. Being pelted with colored powder does that to a person.)

3. When I feel like God is making clear the direction I should go, I often find myself stuck. Like right now (see point #1). I feel like He is opening up doors for me with writing and a few other items. Earlier this week, I was all set to write. But now that I have direction I am exhausted and battling a case of writer's block that is preventing me from spending hours upon hours writing.

It will pass. It always does. And I am teaching myself to push past it which would be a lot easier if I could consume countless cans of diet coke in the process.

4. I'm throwing in a bonus statement. Just because I feel like it needs to be said.

I am a social worker. At my heart and the core of my being, I am a social worker. It is hard and messy and exhausting and not something I delve into a lot. But it has (and is) preparing me for the rest of my life. I didn't go to college for it, but I truly believe God put me on this path for reasons I may never comprehend.

When the day comes that I am not working as a social worker, I will still be one at my core. This means I will always fight for social justice, for children, for the homeless, against human trafficking, etc. My faith is the only reason I've been able to be in the field for the past 5 years; drinking wine (which is what a lot of people do) just doesn't take care of the ache in your soul following the things I've seen.


The biggest thing I love about the Influence Network is the women who are a part of it. There is so much talent in the network. And it helps to bring out my creativity. I also love seeing so many people live for Jesus. That has helped me to be more bold in my faith, and it has reminded me of just how BIG God is. I'm excited to meet more people through the network and continue to share my life.

the girl behind the blog (a vlog!)

When I went to bed last night, I had no idea what to blog about. The majority of my day is spent inside my house right now, and while I can construct scenes and conflicts for fictional characters in my novel, I am finding it is becoming harder to talk about my life since it isn't all that exciting. I can only state that physical therapy is hard and exhausting so many times. And I'm guessing people are tired of hearing about my knee surgery in general.

I've talked some about weight loss, but that's also hard. I miss sweating at the gym. I miss going to spin class. I miss wearing work out clothes just to work out instead of wearing them all throughout the day.

Thankfully I stumbled upon a link up, so today I am joining forces with other bloggers and introducing myself, my blog, and what is on my heart currently in video (or as bloggers say vlog) format. In the vlog below, I share that this is my first vlog. That's only true if you don't count the Blogger Lip Sync video I participated in last year. Feel free to check that gem out. I'm the girl wearing a Santa shirt and singing my heart out in Starbucks and in downtown Oklahoma City.

You can also see a little bit of our house in the video. I have high hopes and plans to do a tour of our house once I'm able to enjoy our entire house instead of just hobbling or one crutching it from the bedroom to the living room to the kitchen and to the bathroom.

I am so glad you all stopped by today. Make sure to enter the giveaway for a $250 Visa Gift Card before leaving, and I look forward to sharing more about writing soon!

 

friday's letters / dear friday (link up)

Dear Friday. You're here. It's been a long but good week. And I am so very excited for the weekend.

Dear Weekend. I'm hoping for warmer weather this weekend. It's the first weekend post-surgery that I can comfortably wear blue jeans. I'll be sporting blue jeans for dinner on Saturday night and to church on Sunday. I'm also looking forward to church on Sunday, cleaning out closets and drawers to give clothes away, and cooking some more.

Dear Writing. I've neglected you some, but I've also spent more time with you over the past week. I feel like we're finally getting somewhere. I promise not to let anything come in between us again.

Dear Hair. I've been neglecting you a lot recently. There has been no sea salt spray and no defusing. I've gone two months (and counting) since getting you highlighted. It's going to be a while longer, so we're going to pretend that I'm just going for an ombre look.

via

Dear Future. I'm a bit anxious about you. About the unknowns and the uncertainties. And there are a lot of unknowns and uncertainties right now. But I know it will all be okay.

Dear Husband. You're my favorite. Thanks for making me laugh, for laughing at my man voice (even though it makes you uncomfortable) and for letting me watch countless episode of Private Practice.

weight loss wednesday (week 25)

Yesterday, I felt both defeated and determined. I wrote about it and then tweeted a link to the post with a single line: I just wish I had #JillianMichaels to talk to me and help me figure it out. And I meant it. How wonderful would it be to have Jillian Michaels there to talk to and push you?

I didn't get a response from Jillian, but I did get responses from two other Tweet-ers (@tweediem2 and @FatGirlvsWorld) and Bloggers (I go through life in inches and pounds and Never 320 Again). They agreed to walk along side me and help support me. The accountability will come from within. But the support? That's going to help me to be accountable.

We set up a few rules for this endeavor.  Rules that I think are essential for weight loss. Rules that I haven't necessarily followed in the past. And by not following them, I've hurt myself.

Honesty. I have to be honest with myself about what I eat and how much I eat. I also have to be honest with other people about what I am going through and how I am feeling. Lying does nothing but hurt me and keep me from my goals.

Balance. I am never going to be able to eat perfectly at all times. I have to allow for some balance. I can't overboard with documenting everything I eat or diminish the amount of calories I eat too severely. That's what can lead to eating disorders. And there are entirely many bloggers who suffer from eating disorders and/or disordered eating. I went down that road in high school and never will again.

Trust. I have to trust people enough to find support. And I have to trust myself enough to open up to others.

Forgiveness. If I make a mistake, or eat more than I should, then I need to forgive myself. By forgiving myself, I take away the power that the mistake has. And by forgiving myself, I also show myself that I care enough to move on. One day of poor eating is not going to result in me not losing weight just as one day of excellent eating does not result in losing weight.

Consistency. I need to be consistent with tracking. It all comes back to tracking. Tracking means I am holding myself accountable with what I am eating. I'm also going to in at least three times a week on twitter. I am also going to start taking pictures of my meals so that I can see what I am eating and so I can hold myself accountable. I am currently tracking on Weight Watchers and MyFitnessPal.

I'm more excited today than I have been in months. I still have a very long road ahead of me as far as physical therapy and rehabilitation of my knee is concerned. Which makes all these rules even more important. Accountability to myself with what I am eating and how much I am eating is the only way I will lose weight.

Starting Weight: 265 lbs.

Goal Weight: 155 lbs.

Today’s Weight: I'm still not weighing in this week.

Total Loss: 42.2 lbs. (as of two weeks ago)

Pounds Left To Lose: 66.4 lbs. (as of last week)

What I craved this week: A hamburger and french fries. Also ice cream. I always want ice cream.

What I noticed was different about my body:  I can tell I've gained weight and lost some muscle definition.

Workouts planned for this week: Physical Therapy three times a week! I'm supposed to start on walking without crutches as well. Here's to hoping I can go on walks soon and maybe start spending some time on the stationary bicycle.

Personal Goal(s) for this week: Track for a whole week! Remain positive! Stick to my physical therapy homework.

Favorite Quote(s) for this week:

Thanks again to Sam at The Ruby Turtle Hippie Times for this format. 

friday's letters / dear friday (link up)

Dear Friday. I am so excited to see you today. I know I don't have a week of work to recover from but that doesn't make it any less wonderful to know the weekend is here. Our weekend plans don't include any long hikes or participating in any 5Ks. But at least it's the weekend. Here's to hoping for a relaxing night in and then possibly an outing or two over the weekend.

Dear Physical Therapy. I'm not your biggest fan if you didn't know. But today I conquered you. As in my physical therapist went so far as to call me champ and tell me that he could tell I'd been doing my homework. I managed to lift my left leg all the way up in the air without any assistance. I also managed to lift my left leg off the floor and onto the table. And then after physical therapy I made it into the front of the car for the first time post-operation. That's what I call progress.

Dear Self. You're working on yourself quite a lot right now. And it's a good thing. You're learning how to better eat for health not for heart. You're realizing just how strong you really are. And ever so slowly, you're being forced to face your fears and then let them go. This year is going to be a good one.

Dear Husband. I love you a whole lot. Even more than that, I love how you love me and show me what love is. I'm looking forward to spending lots of time with you this weekend and maybe even leaving the house some. Also, you make me laugh. Thanks for the pick-up line last line. I'm glad I have my library card because I'm checking you out.

Dear Faith. It's hard to have you at times, but I know it's important to believe - even when it seems impossible to believe. You have never let me down. And nothing impossibly terrible has happened. In fact the best thing I've ever down is to rest in faith and simply believe. I'm so glad I made you my word for 2013.

weight loss wednesday (week 24)

Starting Weight: 265 lbs.

Goal Weight: 155 lbs.

Today’s Weight: I'm not weighing in this week. I honestly don't know when I will be weighing in again. While I will still stand on the scale for my own knowledge, I won't officially weigh in. Being healthy right now is more important than the number on the scale - especially right now when I'm swollen and still taking pain pills.

Total Loss: 42.2 lbs. (as of last week)

Pounds Left To Lose: 66.4 lbs. (as of last week)

What I craved this week: Macaroni and cheese. I've also found myself still enjoying Froot Loops throughout the day. Other than that, I haven't had too many cravings thankfully.

What I noticed was different about my body:  I'm stronger. Not in the normal way but in a way that matters when it comes to being back on my feet. I'm able to bend my knee up to 62 degrees while rolling it on a stability ball. I'm almost able to lift my left left with no assistance. And today, while at physical therapy, I held my leg up in the air and then somewhat slowly lowered it down.

Workouts planned for this week: I'm currently attending Physical Therapy three times a week. And then I have homework seven days a week. I've also decided that, once I'm no longer sick, I am going to start working out at home by utilizing resistance bands and doing what I can while sitting on the couch.

Personal Goal(s) for this week: I'm continuing to focus on eating for health and not to treat the state of my heart or spirit. I am also hoping to stick to my schedule for the week as much as I can. So far I've done well with everything but writing. Luckily the week isn't over, so I have plenty of time to dedicate to writing.

Favorite Quote(s) for this week:

Thanks again to Sam at The Ruby Turtle Hippie Times for this format. I am linking up with her, and you should too!

desire to inspire (link up) - celebrating three years of blogging

Ever since I discovered the internet, I've had a small space to call my own. My space has included sites on gurlpages, a personal site hosted on friend's domanins, livejournal, and different blogs hosted by blogger. Nothing ever felt like home, and I moved constantly. The moving stopped when I wrote my first post here on February 7, 2010. Which means that today marks three years of blogging.

It's not just three years of blogging. At least not to me.

For me, it's three years of sharing my life. Three years of seeking out community in any way I can. Three years of defining, and redefining, my voice as a writer. Three years of searching my heart and allowing God to do works on my heart. Three years of striving to live a healthier life.

And I'm excited for the next three years. The next three years I will spend here blogging.

I'm also struggling. Because of the knee surgery and the subsequent recovery. I had hopes of returning to work day ago and then today. Now I'm just hoping to be able to head back to work before the month of February ends.

I was optimistic when I first learned I would need surgery. And I've held onto that optimism, as much as possible, during the recovery process. But the further I get into recovery, and the farther I feel from my real life, the harder it is to hold onto that optimism. The optimism feels silly. Like I should give it all up and succumb to realism.

And maybe it is silly. Or maybe it's misguided.

My optimism has been on how I would excel at recovery from knee surgery. The surgeon gave me timelines, and I was determined that my recovery into those timelines. A return to work in a week? Done. Back to normal activities in three to four weeks? Done and in three weeks. Those timelines, though, were not realistic for me or for the surgery I had.

I didn't return to work in a week. I haven't returned to work at all, and tomorrow will mark two weeks post-surgery. My next appointment with the orthopedic surgeon is scheduled for February 19th - just over three weeks post-surgery. I know when I see the surgeon that I won't be cleared to return to all the activities I did before surgery.

Many of my moments have been spent frustrated. And angry. And hating that I have to ask for help. What I haven't done is spend my moments with thankfulness. I've been given the chance, or forced into the chance, to spend time at home. And it's my choice on how I spend that time.

Most of my time has been spent on the couch. I've enjoyed endless episodes of Glee and a few movies sprinkled with episodes of Nashville, Grey's Anatomy, and Hart of Dixie. And I've blogged.

What I haven't done is write. Really write. My work in progress. It's open right now, minimized to the corner of my screen, and waiting for me to spend real time with it. And now, with no plans for the next several days, I have no choice but to just jump in. To ignore every terrifying thought and give myself over to the words.

Sometimes we make things happen. I made this blog happen. The posts are my words and my thoughts.  But sometimes things happen to us. My knee dislocated while I was walking down the stairs, and I had to have knee surgery which resulted in all this time off work.

When we make things happen, or when things happen to us, we always have a choice. That choice is what are we (you) going to do when things happen? Are you going to wallow in frustration? Or are you going to constantly and continuously wallow when life happens and doesn't go according to plan?

I've wallowed enough. Now I'm choosing to celebrate.

I'm celebrating three years of blogging, more time to dedicate to my blog, and the opportunity to write. I'm celebrating the chance to rest, for optimism in spite of obstacles, and never giving up. I'm celebrating the future and the next three years.

weight loss wednesday (week 23)

Starting Weight: 265 lbs.

Goal Weight: 155 lbs.

Today’s Weight: 222.6 lbs.

Total Loss: 42.2 lbs.

I've gained 1.4 pounds since knee surgery. While I wanted to make it through knee surgery with no weight gain, I understand why I've gained some. Recovery means I have been the majority of my time on the couch. I'm happy that I haven't gained more than 1.4 pounds when I easily could have gained several more pounds.

It's still hard to know exactly what I weigh as I have a brace on my left knee and hold onto crutches to keep my balance.

Pounds Left To Lose: 66.4 lbs.

What I craved this week: If you follow me on Instagram, then you know I've been craving Fruit Loops. That's my favorite cereal, and it has hit the spot every single time I've eaten it. I've also enjoyed a few frozen yogurt twists from Braum's this week.

What I noticed was different about my body:  I'm continuing to get stronger. Slowly, ever so slowly, but still stronger. On Tuesday, I spent the entire day at home by myself, and I managed to get dressed on my home, take a little sponge bath, and take care of my hair with dry shampoo. It doesn't sound like much, and I would have much rather taken an actual shower and washed my hair with real shampoo and conditioner, but it was a lot.

I'm proud of how far I have come over the past few days. Now I just need to ensure I am able to get into the front of one of our cars, so I can head back to work on Thursday.

Workouts planned for this week: No specific work outs planned, but I do have my first physical therapy session scheduled for 8:15am today.

I'm excited to start physical therapy and begin the road to recovery. I'm also excited because the physical therapist I will be working with has a special interest in fitness and enjoys working with athletes of any age.

I've decided to consider myself an athlete from now on. Because that is ultimately what I have spent the past few years working toward. Yes, I want to lose over 100 pounds. But more than that, I want to change my life.

I want to learn how to ride a bike and then ride said bike for miles and miles. I want to dive into a pool and work myself up to racing and winning races. I want to spend my weekends doing 5Ks. I want to be fit and strong and not overwhelmed in the gym.

Personal Goal(s) for this week: My goals for this week are the same as last week. I want to remain focused. Focused on future work outs. Focused on eating well this week. Focused on drinking lots of water. Focused on being positive. Focused on not giving up.

I also want to be able to get into the front of a car. I tried on Tuesday night and was almost able to, but my legs are a bit too long. It was frustrating. And I got angry. My husband reminded me again that this is a time of testing and that I need to be patient and to trust in the process and trust in God. I need to remember that this week and to be joyful in all circumstances instead of instantly becoming angry.

Favorite Quote(s) for this week:

Thanks again to Sam at The Ruby Turtle Hippie Times for this format. I am linking up with her, and you should too!

friday's letters / dear friday (link up)

Dear Friday. Today I am officially one week post-op from knee surgery. This past week has been filled with pain pills, sleeping on the couch, icing my knee, going seven days without washing my hair, and celebrating the little successes. I feel so much better and stronger today than I did yesterday, and I am excited for next Friday when I am hopefully back at work hobbling around on my crutches.

Dear Husband. You have taken such wonderful care of me. Thank you for praying with me before surgery and quickly figuring out how best to move me on and off the couch and in and out of the car. Thank you for the beautiful flowers and the stuffed dog to cuddle at night. You have provided me with so much this past week, and I am so glad to have you as my cheerleader.

Dear Dogs. You have been so gentle this week. Thank you for sleeping at my feet and kissing my face in the morning. I am so glad that I get to spend a little more time on the couch with you now that I'm able to sit up on the couch.

Dear Mom. I loved having you here for the past week. Not only did you cook us dinner and do all of our laundry (more than week's worth for sure) but you painted four walls in our house, cleaned out kitchen, organized almost the whole house, loved on me, took me to my first post-operative appointment, and cared for our dogs while Justin was at work. You are officially SuperWoman.

Dear Dad. I can not believe you scored 126 points on our current game of Words with Friends. Seriously. I loved that when I called you last night you knew it was because of the word "jeez." You may win this game, but I'll get you the next game. At least that's the plan. I am so thankful for you - even when you beat me.

Dear Self. You have learned a lot this week. Make sure you remember it. And what should you remember? It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to need help. It's good to open yourself up to people also. This (meaning walking with crutches & the extensiveness of the knee surgery) too shall pass, and you will be even stronger once it does. Celebrate the little things - always. Have faith; God is bigger than everything. You are more loved than you ever could have thought or imagined. 

weight loss wednesday (week 22)

Starting Weight: 265 lbs.

Goal Weight: 155 lbs.

Today’sFriday's Weight: 221.4 lbs.

Total Loss: 43.6 lbs.

I thought about not posting this week. After all, it's not like I can really weigh in what with my walking on crutches and wearing a knee immobilizer. But if I skipped posting, then I thought the knee surgery would win. And I refuse to let this surgery and injury win any more than it already has.

Also I am learning a lot. Some good; some not so good. And I wanted to make sure to share all of it.

Pounds Left To Lose: 66.4 lbs.

What I craved this week: I want comfort food. I think that's pretty normal seeing as how I am at home recovering. And I have enjoyed some comfort food - like Americone Dream ice cream from Ben & Jerry's. But here's the thing... In the past, I would have eaten the entire container of ice cream in one sitting. This time, I ate the container of ice cream over several days - three separate sittings. Would it have been better not to eat the ice cream? Yes, but at least I now know that I can be satisfied with a serving instead of an entire container.

rocking my dirty 30 shirt while healing

What I noticed was different about my body:  This is a hard question this week. All I've done lately is lie on the couch and sit in a chair. It's hard to walk on crutches because my knee hurts and also because walking on crutches itself is hard.

I also haven't showered in several days. The surgeon said I could shower 48 hours after surgery so long as I kept my knee straight and redressed the knee. But it's just me, my mom and my husband. And just standing is exhausting - let alone showering. So I've been content with sponge baths and hair up in a bun. Fresh deoderant and body splash also goes a long way!

All of this has made me want a better body, yes, but more than that, it's made me appreciate the body I have right now.

My body has stretch marks. And it's not as toned as I would like. But it is still my body. Right now, my body is healing. It's providing me with the strength to heal. Right now my body is amazing, and even though I might not notice it in the mirror, I feel it inside.

Workouts planned for this week: None.

I honestly don't know when I'll get to workout next. Yes, I have the ability to do upper body work outs, but right now, it's hard to sit up for longer than a few minutes. So I am resting and healing.

It's funny, though. I chose not to work out for weeks. I made other aspects of my life the priority. But now that I don't really have a choice, I want to get back into the gym more than anything else.

I'm going to hold onto that desire. Because I know it could disappear easily. It would be so easy to just give up. But I don't want to do that. So even though I can't work out now, I can focus on how I will work out later.

I'm looking forward to swimming, going to spin class, walking/running a 5k outside, and learning how to ride a bike. I am going to focus on those things as I recover. Because I will be active again.

Personal Goal(s) for this week: I want to remain focused. Focused on future work outs. Focused on eating well this week. Focused on drinking lots of water. Focused on being positive. Focused on not giving up.

Favorite Quote(s) for this week:

Thanks again to Sam at The Ruby Turtle Hippie Times for this format. I am linking up with her, and you should too!

This week has been hard. I shared a little about my fears, but there is so much more to what has made this week hard.

It's been hard because I've had a lot of realizations hit me all at once. Most of them have to do with healthy living and weight loss. Some of them have to do with other aspects of my life.

I've realized just how much I've half-assed this healthy living. I've made so many bad choices with my eating. Even when I say I won't, I always choose ease over what's right. It's why I haven't made it to the gym in the morning or after work. It's why I end up going through the drive-thru instead of eating food out of my kitchen.

Yes, I work a lot. But I need to stop letting that be the reason I don't eat healthy. No amount of money is worth giving up my health. I really have realized that this week. I am more important. And I need to put myself first. That doesn't mean I give up on working or anything like that. It just means that I put myself first and ensure that I have time to eat well and sweat at the gym.

I've also realized how important food is. Having my mom here for the week has ensured we eat well. There's been spaghetti squash with feta, stuffed bell peppers, and healthy turkey wraps. Honestly the food has tasted better than the processed crap I usually eat.

I've also eaten less. It helps that I can't make it to the kitchen whenever I want. And it helps that my mom has been the one to prepare plates and meals. I know that I have to continue it all when she leaves. And I know that I want to continue it.

I'm in charge of my journey, and it's time for me to truly take charge instead of letting circumstances and life to take charge. I have to put myself first... Otherwise I am always going to be last.

And I refuse to put myself last any longer.