what love is

For years, I waited and wished and hoped for a Valentine. Watching friends receive carnations throughout the day, I hoped for it to happen to me. I even went so far to ask friends of mine to be my valentine - just so I would have something. It always backfired on me. I was always did more and tried more and felt like I wasn't special enough.

When I met and started to fall in love with my husband, I had expectations. The expectations weren't necessarily what I wanted but were more what I felt like should happen. Big, over priced bouquets of flowers. A large stuffed animal for good measure. And an expensive dinner.

It's taken me a few years of expectations to realize that expectations are not what I want or need. I don't want too much money spent on things that don't matter. What I want, and what I have, is a husband who loves and adores me and shows me that love in personal ways.

For the past several years, we've done the same thing for Valentine's Day. Or the weekend that surrounds the holiday. Dinner and a movie. It all started on our first Valentine's Day. I didn't think I would see my now husband that day due to school and work and conflicts. And then I walked out to my car, following a long day of caring for babies, and saw him drive up in his car. There was a homemade card for me, and he told me that he had tickets for us to see Definitely Maybe.

We ordered pizza for dinner and ate at my college apartment before heading to the movie.

Our second Valentine's Day together, we were freshly married and had just returned from our honeymoon where we ate, drank, slept, tanned and explored Costa Rica. We saw another movie and ate dinner while we watched it - one of the perks that Texas has that Oklahoma does not is dinner movie theaters.

We enjoyed dinner and a movie for our third Valentine's Day together, and on our fourth Valentine's Day, we had dinner with friends and then watched a movie later.

This is our fifth Valentine's Day together. I woke up this morning and found a card waiting for me in the bathroom. There won't be dinner out tonight or a movie that we go see this weekend. What there will be is a husband who has served me and loved me and cared for me over the past few weeks. There is a husband who has been patient with me and who has made me laugh.

He's shown me what love really is. And it isn't large bouquets of flowers or large boxes of chocolates. It's not jewelry or diamonds or anything else of the sort. It isn't expensive dinners or desserts. All of those things are fine but they are not what defines love or Valentine's Day.

Love is a husband who wakes up throughout the night to help me get up and off the couch.

Love is a husband who buys me flowers to say get well.

Love is a husband who buys me lots of cold medicine when I'm sick and can't take DayQuil.

Love is a husband who does my laundry because I can't.

Love is a husband who lets me control the remote.

Love is a husband who goes out in the cold to get me Chik-Fil-A for dinner.

Love is a husband who prays with me and for me.

Love is a husband who puts me first when I'm unable to care for myself.

Love is a husband who asks for forgiveness and lovingly forgives.

Love is a husband who isn't perfect but strives to be better.

Love is my husband.

desire to inspire (link up) - celebrating three years of blogging

Ever since I discovered the internet, I've had a small space to call my own. My space has included sites on gurlpages, a personal site hosted on friend's domanins, livejournal, and different blogs hosted by blogger. Nothing ever felt like home, and I moved constantly. The moving stopped when I wrote my first post here on February 7, 2010. Which means that today marks three years of blogging.

It's not just three years of blogging. At least not to me.

For me, it's three years of sharing my life. Three years of seeking out community in any way I can. Three years of defining, and redefining, my voice as a writer. Three years of searching my heart and allowing God to do works on my heart. Three years of striving to live a healthier life.

And I'm excited for the next three years. The next three years I will spend here blogging.

I'm also struggling. Because of the knee surgery and the subsequent recovery. I had hopes of returning to work day ago and then today. Now I'm just hoping to be able to head back to work before the month of February ends.

I was optimistic when I first learned I would need surgery. And I've held onto that optimism, as much as possible, during the recovery process. But the further I get into recovery, and the farther I feel from my real life, the harder it is to hold onto that optimism. The optimism feels silly. Like I should give it all up and succumb to realism.

And maybe it is silly. Or maybe it's misguided.

My optimism has been on how I would excel at recovery from knee surgery. The surgeon gave me timelines, and I was determined that my recovery into those timelines. A return to work in a week? Done. Back to normal activities in three to four weeks? Done and in three weeks. Those timelines, though, were not realistic for me or for the surgery I had.

I didn't return to work in a week. I haven't returned to work at all, and tomorrow will mark two weeks post-surgery. My next appointment with the orthopedic surgeon is scheduled for February 19th - just over three weeks post-surgery. I know when I see the surgeon that I won't be cleared to return to all the activities I did before surgery.

Many of my moments have been spent frustrated. And angry. And hating that I have to ask for help. What I haven't done is spend my moments with thankfulness. I've been given the chance, or forced into the chance, to spend time at home. And it's my choice on how I spend that time.

Most of my time has been spent on the couch. I've enjoyed endless episodes of Glee and a few movies sprinkled with episodes of Nashville, Grey's Anatomy, and Hart of Dixie. And I've blogged.

What I haven't done is write. Really write. My work in progress. It's open right now, minimized to the corner of my screen, and waiting for me to spend real time with it. And now, with no plans for the next several days, I have no choice but to just jump in. To ignore every terrifying thought and give myself over to the words.

Sometimes we make things happen. I made this blog happen. The posts are my words and my thoughts.  But sometimes things happen to us. My knee dislocated while I was walking down the stairs, and I had to have knee surgery which resulted in all this time off work.

When we make things happen, or when things happen to us, we always have a choice. That choice is what are we (you) going to do when things happen? Are you going to wallow in frustration? Or are you going to constantly and continuously wallow when life happens and doesn't go according to plan?

I've wallowed enough. Now I'm choosing to celebrate.

I'm celebrating three years of blogging, more time to dedicate to my blog, and the opportunity to write. I'm celebrating the chance to rest, for optimism in spite of obstacles, and never giving up. I'm celebrating the future and the next three years.