Word of the Year(s)

Each new year brings new goals and new resolutions. Promises made to yourself of this year being the year you stick to a weight loss plan or pay off all your debt. Determination to read a new book each and every month, to wake up before the sun (or with the sun - depending on the time of year) and sip coffee while spending time in silence.

I've made so many resolutions and never kept them. It's easy to start a new year out with promise, but it's harder to stick to those promises. In 2015, I stopped making resolutions, and I started assigning a word to the year.

My word for 2015 was

We were deep into foster care, and we were living in uncertainty. Uncertainty and I have never really gotten along, and I wanted to run. I chose to stay. To me, abide meant to sit and wait. Abide called me to breath deeply and to be patient. Abide reminded me to stay as present as I could and to enjoy what our life looked like then.

So I did just that. I sat. I studied. I played with littles. I welcomed their biological mother into our home. I attended court dates and meetings. I offered help. When August 2015 came, I started to look for a new job. I had once thought that abide meant I needed to stay where I was - in my house and in my job and in that life - for the whole year. But what abide meant (for me) was that I needed to go where I was led and not hold tightly to what I thought my life needed to be.

It all happened so quickly - interviewing for a job and visiting Oregon. Then accepting the job and moving, all while saying goodbye to the littles.

My word for 2016 was

In the beginning of the year, I was raw and split wide open from the loss of the littles and also the gain of a new life in Oregon. I left friends and relationships in Oklahoma uncertain of what friendship and life would be like in Oregon. I said yes to offers of dinner at strangers turned into friends houses.

I cried so many tears. I sweated so much. I realized that I couldn't just power through any sort of loss. I relearned the power that food has over me, and I opened my hands and my heart. I fought through the desire to have everything picture perfect at all times. I focused on what I could - the changes I could make and the changes I could not. I stepped out into love - offering my support to friends who were adopting. 

I became the friend I had during some of the lonely times of fostering and the friend I had always wanted to have. I put away my blog and stuck to Instagram. I stopped tweeting and started living. I listened to countless books on tape and considered my life story (so far) and how I wanted the next year to look.

I said yes to trips with friends and trips alone. I said yes to cooking. I said yes to so many things, and I realized how much life better is when you say yes instead of no.

2016 led me to deeper relationships and community. Vulnerability saw me through marriage difficulties and provided me friends who are family. Vulnerability welcomed me into a place of being more known by others and of knowing myself more.

My word for 2017 is

There is so much of the world to see. There is so much life to be lived. I won't be able to experience it all or see it all in one year, but I want to start the process of learning about the world, it's places and it's people. I want to be open to the lessons that are out thre.

Discovering is not just about finding new places; discovery happens when you revisit places you've known before and forgotten. Discovery happens when you happen upon places you know well but with an openness of learning something else.

Discovery happens in the kitchen as I learn new recipes. It happens as I drink more water and feel the change in how I see and feel and move. Discovery happens in the gym as I run a faster mile or further on the elliptical than I have before. Discovery happens when I increase my weights and watch as new muscles take shape.

Discovery happens as I grow closer with friends and family. Discovery happens as my husband and I create more memories and come up with new goals for this year and years to come. Discovery happens as I learn more about myself and who I want to be.

I'm not sure where discovery will lead me in 2017, but I am excited to find out.

the light that's in the dark

How is it only January 3rd? This might sound like a strange question but the past day and a half have been more trying than they should have been.

going home. with a big incision.

I mentioned on Twitter and Instagram that one of our dogs, Rascal, had to have surgery. He had a large mass that we weren't sure was benign or malignant. It was progressively getting bigger and after his yearly check-up on Monday, the vet said he needed surgery. So I did what no dog lover ever wants to do: I dropped him off at the vet early Wednesday morning and left him confused and alone in a kennel while I cried my way to work. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

My husband found Rascal when he was less than 8 weeks old. He was abandoned on the streets, filthy (and stinky!) and followed my husband and Brandy (our other dog) home. I tried to get someone else to take him because I really didn't think we could handle or afford two dogs, but he was destined to be ours. Why do I tell this story? So you know that he has abandonment issues. And I feel like every time I take him to the vet or leave him elsewhere, he thinks I am abandoning him.

When I picked him up late yesterday, he had a huge line of stitches and I learned the mass was larger than expected. But benign.A hefty vet bill later, we headed home, and he rested. Somehow during the night, between dinner and my returning from a hectic night of being a social worker, he stretched the stitches and was bleeding and hurting and just not himself. So he and I slept (uncomfortably) on the couch. That was the only way I could monitor him.

And I don't think what I did can really count as sleep. There was some resting of the eyes but no real slumber. I was too worried about every noise and move he made.

When I left for work this morning, he was fine. The incision looked good. He ate a good breakfast, drank some water but not too much, and seemed to forget he had an incision to worry about. I'm just hoping and praying that continues until my husband returns home.

This might seem like a small thing. But our dogs mean more to us than I can even put into words. And Rascal? He has a special place in all of our hearts because of how we found him and because of just how much he loves us (we wake up to dog kisses pretty much every day and go to bed with dog kisses as well). Brandy, with all her anxious energy and need for constant attention, also has a special place. We love them equally but differently.

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No matter what, I will not let anything steal my joy about the coming year. I feel like that's what the past few days have tried to do. Really, to be honest, I feel like that's what the past month has tried to do. But it won't happen. My God is bigger than any circumstance, and He will carry me through anything and everything.

While others wrote of their words for the year, I mentioned my song for 2013 because I didn't think there was a word that would culminate all aspects of my life. I stand behind that song. But I think I was wrong because there is a word that will and should culminate 2013.

This year, my word is going to be faith. Faith in God. Faith in His timing. Faith in His ways - even when they don't make sense to me. Faith in His callings. Faith.

With weight loss, I have to depend on Him for strength. With finances, I have to depend on Him for blessings and then depend on Him to help us use our resources wisely. With health, I have to depend on Him to walk with me when I find it hard to stand up. With marriage, I have to depend on Him to have grace, love, and respect for my husband at all times.

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My faith is not weak. But I have not spent nearly enough time praying, listening, reading or just being still. That changes this year. Yes, I feel I am called to do all the things I do - work for a non-profit, work as a social worker at night, blog, be married, be in community - but God never intended for those things to keep me so busy that I don't rest in Him or look to Him for direction at all times (and not just when I am having a minor or major freak out).

That changes this year. I think that's why this year is going to be such a big year. Because He is going to be an even bigger part of it.

(title from "you are" by colton dixon)

PS: Link up with Jena and Katie for a little of This and That Thursday.