no height and no depth could separate us

It’s no secret that the past few months, and even the past year, has been a year of trial, a year of strife, a year of tears and fears with a few rays of sunshine. So much has fallen apart including (but not limited to) our house. We’ve been blessed by a supportive family, close friends, and so much more. I try to focus only on the blessings, but recently, I’ve struggled with seeing the blessings during the present.

I tried my way

It always ends up being a mistake

I’ve prayed to see how He works in struggle and strife while going through struggle and strife. It’s easy to glance in the rear view mirror and have the blessings and reasons fly past. It’s so difficult to slow down, even pause life completely, when it seems as though many days are just meant to survive.

As I said, we are blessed. Life is difficult right now, but it is not impossible. We have enough to meet all of our needs and a few extras. Still, I am tired, exhausted even, and I am ready to not just have enough, to not just survive. I want to be able to enjoy life, to find joy in the situations we are in, to love uncontrollably and irrevocably. I want to bless others, to have enough left over that I feel like I have something left to give.

It’s not just one thing but a lot of little things together. I have cried out to God, asked Him for a miracle, for a sign, for something, and there have been small instances that made me wonder if He were speaking to me. I pray and ask for clarity, but nothing. He is once again silent.

But You’re right when You say

That You set the time for the plans You make

I never thought that I could ever learn to let it go

Somehow its better when I follow in the paths You show

So I’m here I’m waiting

Cause I believe

There is a tugging on my heart, one that says “just wait; I am here. I am working.” I do my best to believe it, to hold onto the waiting. I remember that He will always come through in His timing. I remember that He blesses those who wait on Him. So I wait. Sometimes patiently and with joy. Sometimes while sitting in my office bathroom with tears streaming down my cheeks.

We’ve known, since a few months after we purchased our house, that it needed so much more work than we realized. The work includes: a new crawl space foundation, insulation, new electrical work, updated plumbing, trees trimmed, new windows. I am sure there is more as well, but we have not yet discovered all of the home’s problems.

If it weren’t for the price tag attached to these items (like $17,000 just for the new foundation), I would be okay with it. I would remember that we have time, years even, to complete our work-in-progress. However, we have heard from multiple sources that the foundation is getting worse, there is now water flooding our crawlspace, and that we have maybe two years, at most, to complete the work.

Some say we need a miracle

Some say there’s no hope at all

But I know that Your love is strong, it goes on and on

And on and on

Rise up when it gets us down

It’ll be the voice in a blaring crowd

Because we know Your love will lead us home

It goes on and on and on and on

So we have prayed for a miracle, knowing God can deliver a miracle whenever He sees fit. We have prayed for $50,000 to simply fall out of the sky. We have prayed for Him to lift our house and steady the foundation. We have prayed for peace, for new employment opportunities, for direction. And He is quiet. I don’t think silent, as we have both heard whisperings, but quiet.

I’ve done my best to grasp an understanding of the situation, praying for clarity and reasoning. And He has provided some, but there is still so much I am uncertain over, so much I am not sure how to reason with.

Why is this our house, our problem? Why couldn’t we have been blessed with a different house? Because even though it has a lot of problems, this house is a blessing. It has kept us protected from storms (both spring and winter ones), from flooding, from power outages. It is the house we walked into, prayed over, and felt as though it were home. What are we supposed to learn from this?

There is no fear of belief

There’s just this cold reality

That wants to take me away from You

While writing this post, I felt God nudging me to remember that we (I) are much like an old house. So many of us have been rejected, left alone and abandoned. Our house certainly was as seen in this picture. For at least six years, it sat vacant, forgotten, boarded up, and unloved. I have felt that way, as have so many other people I know. Are we to learn from this house how to rebuild a person, to see how God views the people of the earth?

Or am I to learn about patience and contentment? Those who know me best will openly tell you (and tell me) that I move too quickly. I am not good at waiting. I am always looking for the next thing. I am ready for the next season of life. I do not always enjoy the current season of life. I breathe in the scent of flowers, but after two days, I am ready for new blooms, for a new scent, even though the scent of the flowers lasts for weeks at times.

Or am I to understand God’s timing more, to bend to His will instead of bending Him to mine? Because I often pray for things to happen quickly, for Him to move now. Recently, I have prayed for His timing, for His will, and I have said how afraid I am of those things. Because if I lean into Him and His will, I lose control, and as my husband will express, I have a bit of a problem with control.

I’m not sure of the reasons yet. I may never learn of the reasons. And I am so close to losing hope because I am tired. Tired of struggle, Tired of heartache. Tired of seeing the world hurt. But I refuse to lose hope.

Even if it means I have to cry in the bathroom every day at work and then pull myself together, I will not lose hope. I will not.

There is no doubt in my mind

That in Your perfect time

Your plans and Your ways will unfold.

(title and lyrics from "on and on" by chasen)