standing in front of me

At 10:30am today, I have an appointment scheduled with my orthopedic surgeon. Had you asked me on Sunday how I felt about the appointment, I would have said excited and hopeful. But after physical therapy on Monday morning, I'm not so sure.

I knew, going into the knee surgery, that I would need to be committed to physical therapy. I was hopeful and optimistic and sure of my desire to heal and my strength. I'm still committed, hopeful and optimistic, but I'm learning that my strength is not where I thought it was.

Granted, the surgeon changed the muscles in my left leg. So I know it's going to take time to heal and time to regain my strength. It's just taking more time than I ever expected. I think it's also taking more time than my physical therapist thought it would. At least that's what I took away from therapy yesterday.

They tested my strength of my quadricep contractions. On the first day of physical therapy, I was at a 5 on a scale of about 1-1000. Yesterday, I was only at an 11. Yes, it's twice as strong, but I still have a long ways to go. There are things I am able to do now that were nearly impossible the first day of physical therapy. I can use my own strength to lift my left leg up off the table (or couch) and into the air. It's not as easy as I would like it to be, and it still hurts more than I want it to. But I can still do it.

I'm also able to bend my knee a little bit more every day. On my own, I was able to bend it to 72 degrees. The therapist can bend it a little more - which makes me cry as I did yesterday. As much as therapy has hurt, I've never cried until I was forced to let me leg hang over the end of the therapy table bent. That was bad enough until my therapist started pushing on my leg so that it bounced.

He asked me during therapy if I felt like I couldn't do things mentally or physically. I said physically. And I do think a lot of it is physically. It hurts so much when I do certain things.

But there is also a lot of fear. A lot of fear.

He told me I wasn't going to tear anything. That I was going to be okay. I have to remind myself of that at all times. And it's going to hurt. Everything I do right now is going to hurt. That's what happens when you have major knee surgery and then start physical therapy. There might be good pain and bad pain. But it's hard to know right now because the pain is just always hanging around.

Now I just need to figure out why I am blocked mentally. Because there is a block. I didn't think there was yesterday - or I didn't want to admit that there was one. But there is.

I realized it late in the day yesterday when I looked in the mirror. And I saw the weight gain. I saw all the bad foods I've eaten instead of good and healthy foods. It's not just how I've eaten while recovering from surgery, but it's how I've eaten for the last several months. It's why I have gained, lost, gained again, and lost again the same 5-10 pounds.

So I have to figure out this block. I have to stop it from creeping into my thoughts. I have to stop it from  self-sabotaging myself into weight gains and healing slower. I know I'll be stronger at some point. And I know I'll lose the weight at some point. The question is when will that some point be. Is it going to be in just a few months? Or is it going to take me another few years?

The honest answer is I don't know. Because I don't know what the block is. But I do know I am going to figure it out. I just wish I had Jillian Michaels to talk to me and help me figure it out.

(title from "a thousand years" by christina perri)

somehow you got through it

Sitting in the orthopedist's office waiting to learn whether I needed surgery or just lots of physical therapy, I was never scared of having knee surgery. Even in the days leading up the knee surgery, I wasn't scared. I've had enough surgeries (6 total including this one) to know that surgeons tend to know what they are doing and I don't have a negative reaction to anesthesia.

What scared me, and still scares me, is everything that comes after knee surgery. The pain killers. The immobilizer. The crutches. The learning how to walk again. The spending entire days on the couch. The physical therapy. The having to depend on other people for everything.

I felt a bit sorry for myself. I never really mentioned that to anyone, keeping those feelings to myself and doing my best to be positive and confident. But over the past few days of recovery, the thoughts of fear have crept in and tried to take over.

Part of it was that I knew what to expect with this surgery. That made the surgery itself easier but the recovery seem more daunting. I had my first knee surgery while in junior high on my left knee. My second knee surgery was for my right knee and happened the summer before my freshman year of college.

My first knee surgery was a piece of cake compared to my second and now third. The second knee surgery was tough. I remember lots of tears and lots of pain. More tears and pain than I've had with this third surgery thankfully.

Telling the anaesthesiologist, the nurses and the reverend that this was my third knee surgery made me realize just how bad my knees are. They all looked at me with a bit of shock. 27 is a bit young to have to undergo so many procedures for the knees. The fact that following the surgery the surgeon explained just how loose my knee was also made me realize just how bad off they (and I) were. The only reason I didn't have surgery earlier was because I refused to allow them to be that bad.

all bandaged up!

Now, though, I have to face my bad knees. With physical therapy and rehab. With the knowledge that I will always have to be extra careful. And with the determination to lose this weight and strengthen my legs as much as humanly possible.

It's kind of funny that I'm so focused on what comes next when right now I'm not comfortable. I'm better than I was when I first came home from the hospital, but pain still grips me - sometimes it's constant and sometimes it's fleeting. There's a part of me that's beyond ready to rip my immobilizer off and start bending my knee; there's also a part of me that isn't so sure I'll be ready to move from an immobilizer to a regular brace.

I told my fears to my mom, who is staying with us and helping me heal while my husband works, and she told me I think too much. And I do think too much. Especially when I'm resigned to sit on the couch and rest.

I want to take these fears and turn them into something else. Determination, maybe. Or drive? Goals and successes, too. Anything but fears that stop me in my tracks and make it difficult for me to move on and conquer the things I've set out to conquer.

Up until today, I've spent a lot of time watching TV and trying to read. A lot of time sleeping too. I know watching TV and sleeping are good while recovering, but I don't want to spend all my time doing those things. That's part of the reason I'm here today - documenting my fears. It's also part of the reason I submitted documents to officially become a contributor to another site. And part of why I finally started working on my novel again today.

I always want a week at home to write and spend time on household projects. But I've seen this week as more of a sentence than a chance to write. With a little attitude adjustment from my mom, and a friend calling me out on twitter, I am changing my mind set. My mom has the household projects under control, and I've got my MacBook in front of me.

I suppose writing is my first step towards turning my fears into something else. My next step? The first post-operative appointment I have scheduled for this Thursday. And then? Going back to work.

But I need to not focus on everything that comes after this first step and instead focus on healing and writing.

And I need to remember that knee surgery and bad knees are not the end of the world. They're just a reason to work even harder and prove to myself (and everyone else) that I will overcome.

(title from "age of worry" by john mayer)

grow tall and strong and proud

On Sunday afternoon, we loaded up our car and headed to Norman, OK to walk a small trail. My knee was throbbing for some reason, so my mother-in-law joined us and handled one of our dogs while my husband handled the other dog.

Walking the trail was beautiful. I needed the chance to get outside and move. I was able to just enjoy activity and movement instead of focusing solely on hitting a certain number of calories burned as I so often do when I put in my twenty or thirty minutes on the elliptical.

The hardest part of the trail, for me, was not holding onto a leash for the majority of the walk. I so easily get nervous when walking our dogs that I lock my knees. And I worry about every bump in the road, every tug on the leash, every jerk the dogs make.

And I didn't run. I watched my husband, my mother-in-law, and my two dogs run on ahead of me while I stayed back and walked. I thought about running, but I was afraid - even without a dog's leash to trip over.

So much of my weight loss has been hindered by fear. Fear of success. Fear of failure. Fear of what weight loss will change in my life. And fear of running.

It seems as thought much of my life has been spent recognizing and dealing with bad knees. I had my first knee surgery in junior high, and then the summer before my freshman year of college, I had a second knee surgery. Both my knees are bad. Both my knees have been operated on. And both my knees aren't quite as strong as they should be.

I so badly want to run. And I've spent some time running on the treadmill and a bit of time running during my several 5k's, but I have not committed to the sport out of fear. Every so often, when I'm running, I will feel my knee cap move and almost give out. That didn't happen today, but my entire knee has been throbbing almost all day.

Getting rid of the excess weight can only help. And concentrating on walking more, getting accustomed to uneven terrains, can only help as well.

I think I also need to let go of the fear. I just don't quite know how to.

I've tried the Couch to 5K program, but I never make it through the whole program. It seems just impossible to run for that long with these knees of mine. I honestly worry that my body is not capable of sustaining a long run though I truly want to be able to call myself a runner.

I'm not sure what the future holds with running. I don't know if I'll ever be able to run a half-marathon or a 10K or even a 5K. But I do know that - somehow - I have to move on from my fear and learn to trust my body and my knees. I'm just not sure how.

(title from "sort of" by ingrid michaelson)

everything will fit right in

A little under three weeks ago, I drafted a letter and handed it to my then supervisor. Friday was my last day at that position. My last day to drive the 40 minute commute. My last day to search for parking. My last day to be a part of the university staff.

I've considered my next move for quite some time. The past year has been spent wondering over what I want to do. Should I go back to school and get a masters? Should I stop working full-time and go to law school? Do I need to pursue a new career altogether? Do I stay where I am?

My answers to every question have differed on a weekly (and usually a daily) basis. But I never had the opportunity to change - until three weeks ago when God opened a huge door for me, and I stepped through.

There are plenty of reasons, I'm sure, for why other positions didn't happen. I don't understand all of the reasons, and I may never fully understand them. But I know that I am where I am right now because I didn't take any of the other opportunities I prayed would become possibilities and then reality.

Had I not been in my current position last April, I doubt I would have lost nearly 40 pounds. So many of the people who played an integral role in my weight loss journey thus far were people I never would have met without a membership to the university gym.

There were strangers who became friends, instructors who inspired and challenged me, and instructors who became friends. Friendly faces that smiled when I walked through the gym doors and people who recognized me, who commented on my success thus far, and who reminded me every time I saw them that I could do it. Not only that - they reminded me that I was doing it and doing it the right way.

I'm scared to be on my own now. The past three weeks have been filled with change, with stress, with excitement, and with the knowledge that I no longer have a normal life. But those three weeks are now gone, and it is time for me to step into the new normal - a normal that currently exists without those strangers, friends, and instructors.

I know they still believe in me and that they still support me. Our relationships grew outside the bounds of just work out class or just the gym. But I won't see them every day or week. They won't be able to push me with an obstacle course in boot camp or remind me of just how far I have come or marvel at the inches lost. I'm going to have to be one to push myself, to remind myself and to marvel.

I don't think I could have done that two months ago. I'm terrified that I won't be able to do it now. Instead of giving into any of the fear, though, I need to use the fear as a reason to do even better.

There are some thing I'll have the chance to do now that I didn't have the chance to do before. Like eating breakfast at home. Like starting the morning off with a work out. Like taking the time I spent driving to work and using it to care for myself. So that's what I am going to do - no more excuses.

The first time I stepped foot into the gym early I did so with a partner. There won't be anyone waiting for me in the mornings, but I'm going to pretend there is - just to put a little spark into me when I roll out of bed and ready myself for a morning work out followed by a day of work.

It's going to take time to continue to find my new normal. And there is some nervousness associated with the starting of a new position. But I know, without any doubt or hesitation, that I am right where I am supposed to be.

I took the weekend off from my part-time job and allowed myself time to relax and rest. I spent time on the couch with my husband and finally caught up on my DVR. I went to the gym and sweated through a 45 minute work out. I walked around the grocery store with my husband and selected several easy to make meals for dinners and also filled the grocery cart with frozen dinners. I ate too much Chinese food and drank more Diet Dr. Pepper than water. I spent Sunday morning at church, allowing myself to be filled up and reminded that God is walking alongside me with everything - new jobs, weight loss, my marriage. Church also reminded me that He has always been beside me - even during the times when I felt far from Him and wondered why things just weren't working out.

I don't have all the answers. But I know that this time is a time of blessing. It is a time given to me by Him. I can't take any credit for it; I can only point back to Him.

(title from "i'm through" by ingrid michaelson)

there'll come a day

After a week away from the gym and then a week finding myself back in the gym, I've realized that I need to push myself even harder. I need to not become comfortable with the gym. I need to constantly push myself to run faster, bike harder, and lift heavier.

The gym still intimidates me. When I first started this journey, it terrified me. I felt out of place and as though I would never belong. I wasn't thin or tan or fit or pretty or anything that I thought the other people in the gym were. And even though the gym intimidates me, I am determined to continue to step foot into the gym and continue to ignore the other people at the gym.

When I step foot into the gym, I do it with purpose. My purpose is to sweat, to burn calories, to move as much as I possibly can. It's not to socialize or meet new people. I love having a friend next to me on the elliptical or on the mat because my friends push me to work out harder.

The further I go into this journey to more I see that my work outs need to constantly change. The first work out I completed left me exhausted and sore. As I continued to push myself and spend time in the gym, the soreness disappeared. I enjoyed completing a work out, waking up the next morning with no soreness and getting after it again. I felt like I was getting stronger. And I was, in a lot of ways, but I was also becoming complacent and comfortable.

It's no secret that the body adapts to exercise. The body is smart. It recognizes the movements and becomes comfortable with those movements. And that comfort makes it so that the body stops adapting and stop changing. No amount of exercise, for me at least, can undo the comfort unless the movements are different.

Changing exercise scares me. I'm worried about getting hurt. I'm worried about doing exercises incorrectly. I'm worried about looking like a fool in front of other people who know what they are doing.

Last Wednesday, I took a chance. There was a free boot camp hosted at my place of employment. All you had to do to participate was to bring a canned food. So I borrowed a can of food from a co-worker and headed to boot camp with her.

That day I did things I wasn't sure I could do. I tried new exercises. I spoke up when I couldn't do something and took the instruction on how to modify movements to meet my needs. And I didn't give up.

Months ago, I met with a trainer for a personalized consultation. He wrote down weights for me to complete without really listening to my needs. And he told me that I should do planks and squats. I told him I didn't know what a plank was and that I could not do squats.

He mentioned that I should attend one of his classes and that he would then show me how to do the proper squat as well as teach me how to do a plank. I thought about going, but I never did. I was too scared.

It wasn't just fear of doing squats and possibly getting hurt. There was fear of letting someone in and seeking advice. That sounds odd; after all a trainer's job is to show individuals how to exercise in such a way that gets results and also meets the needs of one person's body.

I've gotten over that fear now. All of those fears. It happened one day in zumba class when the instructor began doing squats in the middle of the class, and I had nothing to but learn how to complete squats with the proper form.

So I did the squats then. And after class was done, I walked out of the gym. My knees never gave out as I feared they would. I completed squats again in other zumba classes, and I spent time doing squats while at the boot camp on Wednesday.

After mentioning my knee injuries to the trainers, they checked on me. Making sure I was okay with the different circuits. Asking how I felt with squats. And I told them I was good that I knew to listen to my body and that I wouldn't push myself too far.

I didn't. I pushed myself and tried new things. I sweated a lot and woke up the next day sore. But I wasn't hurt.

I'm chasing the soreness now. I want to feel my muscles working and strengthening. I want to know, as soon as I wake up the next morning, that I am no longer comfortable with my own work outs.

I am so much more open to exercise now. I'm excited to try different classes and to learn what other things I can do that I didn't think I could. I'm excited to see how I improve at squats. I'm excited to jump on the elliptical throughout the week and run out several miles.

Every time I do a squat and finish a mile, I move further away from the fear and closer to the fit and healthy person I am chasing. Every time I push myself and try something new, I remind myself that this journey is mine for the taking. Every time I complete a work out with shaking arms, as I did today, or wake up sore from the work out the day before, I move further and further away from comfortable.

(title from "the sun will rise" by kelly clarkson)

learning to be brave

picture found here.

I slept until seven this morning and then took my time getting ready. Instead of rushing out the door and then making a thirty minute commute to work, I enjoyed the house, took out the recycling, and then made my way from the house to McDonald's for an iced coffee and proceeded to drive five minutes to a day long conference.

Over the past week, I've attended two workplace conferences. Last week it was a two hour lunch conference, and this week, it was a day long event. Both spoke on balancing life with work and home. They also talked about communication and about contentment.

I enjoy these kind of events. There's something about bettering yourself that excites me. Even when I am familiar with the information. Maybe it's the break from my normal job duties. Or maybe sometimes I just need a reminder of how to navigate this thing called life.

And even though these events are tailored more for the work place, I walk away with more knowledge on my personal life. I leave with a feeling of wanting to change things. Something settles into the pit of my stomach and remains in place until I give it the time it deserves.

Today there was much talk about communication. We discussed how to listen and how to respond. We talked about taking time outs from arguments. But the topic that stuck out to me the most was that life is a series of choices. Sometimes we decide on those choices and sometimes we slide.

At 25 (26 in under three weeks), I've made many decisions. For example, I decided to get married. But I also feel like I have slid into some choices.

Over the past few months, I've struggled and wrestled with what I want out of my life. I've been frustrated with where I am and where I am not. I have wondered when things would change. I've prayed for this or that to happen. I've cried quite a few tears as well. But for most of the past few months, I didn't truly made the decision to do anything about it.

And then last week happened.

It coincided with the first conference. The one that lasted for just two hours. Nothing specific was said. There was not one moment of extreme clarity for me. But it reminded me that I can (and should) do better than I had been in the past.

And making those decisions? It's hard. My knees pop and crack during zumba. I feel ridiculous walking into the gym. I wonder if this is even worth it. But those decisions? They also inspire me. I feel stronger than I have in months. Even though so much of the situation is the same, I feel I am better prepared to handle it.

So right now I am deciding. Deciding to write. Deciding to believe positive feedback. Deciding to disregard the negative comments in my head. Deciding to determine what I want out of life. Deciding to go after my dreams.

What decisions are you making?

(title from "crystal ball" by pink)

this is where the old is ending

picture found here.

I started this morning with a less than thankful heart. Frustrated with several different situations, I headed to church. I asked for a softened heart during worship, and God answered.

His answers do not always reveal what I hope. As much as I don't want to, I often ask for His way but in reality am asking for things to happen in the way I want them to. Instead of leaning into all the things He wants for my life, I say I will but hold onto what I want, what I feel is best for my life.

I've gone back and forth today with what I feel He is calling me toward. There are moments of clarity and moments of fogginess. I experience moments of peace and joy intermingled with moments of frustration and of anger.

Right now, I'm in the midst of frustration and sadness and uncertainty. I think I know what He is saying, but it is so hard to let go of the things I want for my life. And yet, He continues to pursue my heart, to convict me of the things that need to change. He does not relent even though I have given Him every reason to.

God has been so tangible in my life recently. And it brings me to tears. He has such a burden for me, for my life, and for the lives of those around me. Even though I am fickle and even though I think that I know best and so often cast Him aside.

I am on a journey. And He is leading me. He is showing me my weaknesses and reminding me that He can turn those weaknesses into strengths. He is reminding me of the things that break my heart and showing me that He can use all of those things for His good.

I've prayed for this. I have asked Him to become the center of my life. And I wanted it. I just didn't know how hard it would be. Or maybe I didn't know if I was ready for Him to become the center or my life and that is why I held so tightly to the things that I hoped for in my life.

I am on a journey. Writing here, documenting both the ups and the downs, is part of that journey. I just pray that God will use these words to further His kingdom and touch the lives of people.

Because that's what I want. I think it is what I have always wanted. A chance to be a vessel of change. The opportunity to improve the world around me. It just isn't happening the way I pictured or planned it.

And that is hard. It is probably the hardest thing for me. To let go of the plans I had and to offer my hands to Him to use the way He sees fit. To let go of the desire to worry incessantly and come up with at least five different solutions for every problem. To depend on my strengths and abilities and wisdom instead of constantly seeking Him. To pray for His guidance and then to truly be open to where He is guiding me.

I will stumble. And I am sure I will take several steps backwards. But I am doing my best to grab hold of where He is taking me and to not let go.

And I am terrified. Absolutely terrified. Because while He has made promises, no specifics have been offered. There is no map to guide me where to go, and while there was a short period of time when the path was well lit, I am now taking one step at a time with no clear picture of where those steps will lead.

So I pray. The prayers are not always eloquent. And sometimes I just have to cry. At times, I lash out at God and at those around me. But I continue to press on and to pray, and I hope the same for you.

I appreciate every kind word I have received in the past. Every understanding hug and every reminder of God's love. It spurs me on to know that these words are being read because I know that I have people to hold me accountable even if I do not always want to hear what they might have to say.

God is good. So good. So much better than I could ever imagine. And He loves us. I just need to remember that there is not much more to ask for - that He will always provide what I need. And I need to remember to pray and to listen and then to respond.

(title from "listen to the sound" by building 429)

my breath fast and short and my heart burning deep

picture found here.

I began this blog with the intention of being honest. I wanted to place my thoughts and my worries into a place and watch how God would transform them and ultimately transform my life. I had every intention of writing on a nearly daily basis, and I had the hope that as the days went by it would become easier to find beautiful tales to tell. I also hoped that as the days went by I would find it easier to focus on the important things like faith and family and love.

Instead, I have gone weeks without writing. Instead, I have retreated into myself and decided that maybe honesty is not the answer. I have wondered if spilling secrets is worth the risk and the potential heartbreak. I've prayed for guidance and asked for clarity. I've spent time curled in bed with tears streaming down my face as I wonder what God has in store.

And recently, I've spent a majority of my time (and money) visiting doctors and having a ultrasound. I have a CT Scan scheduled for the morning. All in the hopes of possibly discovering why I've been in pain and fighting nausea nearly every day for the past few weeks.

It hasn't been a pretty sight. And I'm not exactly sure when it will turn back into a pretty sight.

Tonight I planned to cook dinner and enjoy time with just my husband. Instead, I cooked dinner and cried the entire time. My emotions are all over the place, and I am past my breaking point at this time. so much has piled up, and I truly do not know how to trust that God is working and not focus on the circumstances.

Then, one our dogs escaped our backyard again. He has an annoying and embarrassing habit of climbing/jumping over one particular area of the fence. We fixed it twice before this evening, and after he jumped the fence as dinner was being prepared, we took a few large branches and rested them against the fence. It's not a permanent fix, but we're not in a financial place that will allow us to construct a whole new fence.

By themselves, the things we are face seem simple enough. But when combined, it's all I can do to make it through the day some days.

I am blessed enough to have a husband who loves me and comforts me when I am at my worst. I am also blessed enough to have a husband who is willing to work a full-time job along with a part-time job. I am also blessed enough to have a full-time position of my own. I want these things to be enough. And maybe they are; maybe I just can't see them.

It's a constant battle to remain positive. It's a constant battle to keep from exploding in negativity, and recently, I am losing the battle. I'm seeing more and more that I alone am not strong enough, and I am leaning on God to provide me the strength. I have such a hard time trusting Him to provide and believing that His promises will hold true to my life. And while I shouldn't, I find myself jealous of others who He is blessing. I find myself comparing myself to others and wondering when I will finally be at a point in which it feels like He is at work.

There are glimpses. I find myself hearing the promise that He is near and that He is in control. But it's only for a short while that I am able to hold onto that promise and not let the ways of the world strike at me.

We all face our own battles. We all respond differently to the hardships and frustrations of life. And we all have our own breaking points. While I wish my breaking point were not sometimes so easily reached, it is.

My prayer is for His provision. I am not sure what that will mean, but I do know that my husband and I are praying for something tangible to occur. We are in such a place of unknowing, and it's getting so much harder to push through. Especially for me.

And that is my honesty. It's dirty and raw and filled with tears. There is no pretty package or promise of renewal. There's the possibility that things will improve tomorrow and then disintegrate on Thursday. Nothing is certain now. And in these uncertain times, I'm doing my best to hold onto the one things that promises to never fail, and that is faith. My hands and fingers slip at times due to the worlds calling and beckoning, but I am holding on as tightly as I can and praying that God will hold on to me as well.

(title from "hookers and robbers" by charlie hall)

we're asking why this happens

picture found here

For years, many things moved me to tears. Things like movies, like books, like songs.  I found something beautiful or sad or poetic in just about everything including movies like Monsters, Inc. And then something happened (or rather a series of somethings), and I stopped. Tears no longer formed. While there were still poetic moments, they were fewer and farther in between.

I've remained in this state for some time now. I've hoped to move forward from it, and I've similarly held onto the emotional distance I've created. The reasons for this are many. But the reasons for this are not true to who I am, to who I am created to be.

So much has been brewing for the past few weeks. So much has happened, and yet, so much has remained the same. I've grown discontent (again). I've struggled with understanding where God is leading. I've been filled with anger and with jealousy. I've tricked myself into thinking I was leaning into Him, that I was being honest and open with my struggles, but I realized last night that I haven't trusted God the way I need to.

I try. I do. But I try with distance. Because I am afraid - afraid to follow when I do not know where He is leading, afraid to follow and then enter the desert rather than the Promised Land, afraid to follow and then to have to wait.

God put it on my heart a week ago to read Deuteronomy. I listened. I am still working through the book. I'm not normally one to read the Old Testament. I struggle to understand the words, the traditions, and how it applies to my life. But this time it is all too clear.

Since beginning my journey into the life of Moses and the Israelites, the parallels have become clear. The truth has resonated in my heart. And my prayer has been the same: please let me not be like the Israelites. It has been a heartfelt prayer, but it has not been honest enough. I've missed the point (until last night).

The point is, at least from what I can gather right now, that I am like the Israelites. I am quick to trust in a time when His glory is shining, when He is slaying my enemies and providing me with a clear way of travel. But in times of uncertainty and times of not seeing His glory, I am slow to trust. I agonize and worry and grow angry and weary. It's not a pretty sight.

I've prayed that it won't take 40 years to get to where He is leading. I've begged that I will not have to wander the dessert. But I haven't allowed Him to lead me through the desert. It could very well be that in my prayers and frustrations that I have kept myself in the desert due to my need to pray against things and fight against where He might be leading me.

I just don't know how to open my hands, open my heart, and truly trust in Him. I struggle with how to lean into the struggle and remember that this life of following Jesus does not promise ease but promises difficulty. But it also promises that He is there through all difficulty and that He will carry you through. I'm so ready to open my hands and believe this, but there is this fear that sits in the pit of my stomach.

So I am learning. Slowly. I'm calling out in the darkness and searching for the light. I am reading the words of Deuteronomy (sometimes twice and thrice) and allowing the words to pierce my heart, to remind me that God uses the times in the desert to turn our hearts to Him. And God, in His goodness, is keeping His promise and answering my calls (even if the answers do not come in the way I want - which is an audible voice). He's giving me songs that speak of where I am, songs that chronicle my thoughts and emotions. He's giving me blogs to read, words that remind me and show me that He has led others through the desert and then into their own promises land. He's reminding me that I am not alone, that He is there and so are others.

(title from "held" by natalie grant)

it's more than you can see

Yesterday a friend of mine posed a question on her blog. The question was what would you do if you knew you could not fail. The blog post and subsequent responses can be found here.

The question is one I have asked myself in the past. I even have a decorative plaque in my house with the same question. But for some reason, it fully resonated with me yesterday and settled into the depths of my heart. I've re-asked myself the question and re-answered it as well over the past twenty-four hours.

There are several things I would do. Some are silly, some are serious, and some I am not quite sure what to think.

I would love to: dye my hair pink (at least some streaks), pierce my nose, drive to Michigan this weekend, jump in the freezing cold ocean, get another tattoo, wrestle with the dogs on the floor, paint, take more pictures, and it goes on and on. Those are things I would love to do, things that wouldn't result in failure, but things I want to do but don't.

If failure were not an option, I would play the lottery for one. If I knew I couldn't fail, then I would win. And I wouldn't necessarily need to win the entire lottery. $200,000 (minus the taxes) would be enough for me. It would provide me the money to fix our house, to pay off our debts, to give generously to those in need, and to have an extra cushion wherein we would not have to worry about money. It's strange to say all that since living in US puts us within the most rich out of the entire world, but there it is all the same.

I would also stop making excuses. I would live recklessly and stop holding myself back. This would spill into all aspect of my life including my walk with Jesus, caring for others, working with the youth group at our church, and my friendships. So often, I keep myself at bay and try to quiet my desires because of fear that things would not work out the way I hoped they would.

I would also let go. I would stop feeling as though I needed to be in control. This is such a struggle for me. I want to control every aspect of the life I live and the aspects of life around me. And it's tiring. It is also the exact opposite of what God calls us to be. He's slowly teaching me (and also forcing me) to relinquish control. But, still, there are times when the panic rises up and I grab back onto the control rather than allowing God to guide me through life, my hands open to receive His blessings rather than closed around the things I feel need attention.

I would laugh more. And smile more. Maybe even dance more. And sing more loudly. I don't dance or sing as often/ as loudly as I would like because I am afraid. Afraid of failure silly enough. I'm not as talented in the dancing and singing department as some, and I worry others are judging my lack of talent. So I don't dance or sing. How lovely it would be to no longer care what others thought and just let go! This would open up a whole new world for me and for my walk with Jesus. If I stopped caring about what others thought, my life would blossom like a flower after a fresh spring rain.

And I would write. Preferably full-time but most certainly part-time. Writing is in my blood. I can quiet it sometimes, but the urge and desire to spill words and stories across the page still exists. I think it always has. Even before I would type or write out the letters, I spun stories and tales. I wrote (and illustrated) my first book at a young age about a skunk who gets stuck in a high school and then has adventures in said high school. I spent my adolescent years and well into my college years writing fan fiction and then also writing true fiction. I even took extra English and writing classes in college. And I ultimately graduated with a degree in writing.

But I don't do these things. Instead, I let the fear of failure and of the unknown and of what other people might think grip me. And I think that's why this question resonates so much - especially now.

I desperately want the life I am meant to live. This could be it, my life right now, but it could also be so much more than my human mind can imagine. I fully believe God has a purpose for every life, and I fully believe that the purpose for my life is much more than what I give it credit for.

My husband and I both feel this way. We both feel like there is more out there, but we don't know what. We both desire to not feel stuck (as we often do) in this life, in this house, in this state, and in our jobs. We want freedom, and I think much of our freedom (and the freedom for others) could very well come from no longer being afraid and acting as though we can not fail.

It doesn't mean that we quit our jobs and stop paying our bills or that we run from responsibility. It simply means we figure out our true hopes and dreams and desires and pursue them fully - not in a way that looks like pursual but still leaves us feeling stuck.

I know not all things will happen. It's unlikely that I will win even $100 in the lottery let alone $200,000. But I can do my best to stop making excuses. I can smile more. I can laugh more. I can sing and dance like there is no one else and then not apologize for making anyone feel uncomfortable. And I can write.

I just wish it all weren't so frightening.

(title from "i said" by michelle featherstone)

And now, I pass the question onto all of you. What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

it feels bad now but it's going to get better

I'm furious this afternoon. Absolutely livid. And yet I am also at peace. I am also walking in the knowledge that God is sovereign that He has a plan and that His plan is perfect. I am also walking in the knowledge that He has always been present in my life and that He will continue to be present.

But I am still furious.

I am furious at the brokenness in the world, at the people who are petty enough to watch another's undoing and do nothing to help. I am furious at the separation between man and God, at how difficult it can be to hear His voice. I am furious.

I have never felt so much anger coupled with so much peace. I had a moment of anxiety and wonderment and worry and feeling as though I were free falling, but I realized those things were keeping me from grabbing onto the anger and praying through it and over it.

God is at work in the world, in my life, and in the life of my husband. We don't always know what He is doing, and we do sometimes question His methods. But we know He is present.

There is so much opposition right now. If there were not separation between man and God, I could hear Him calling out through the opposition. Instead, I am left wondering when and if I will hear His soft, still voice or when and if my husband with hear His soft, still voice.

I believe God is over everything. I believe He allows opposition to occur. Sometimes, I think the opposition shows where we are not supposed to go, but other times, opposition exists to show that we are right where we need to be. But how do you separate the two? If we could just hear God's voice on the other end of the telephone, it would be easy to tell, but unfortunately, I don't know the number to His personal cell phone.

I'm struggling with the anger, and I am struggling with opposition. I've faced much opposition in my twenty-five years, and as a married woman of almost two years, I have faced even more opposition in my marriage. But the opposition has made me stronger. And it is has shown me just how badly I need God. Still, I am not clear on which opposition is Him standing in my way and which is Him pushing me forward and telling me to fight.

I pray against opposition quite often, but now I wonder if I should pray into it. How far in am I to lean into the opposition? How long do I need to fight until I throw up my hands in defeat and declare God the victor before moving onto my next battle? Is there even a right choice?

These are the thoughts spinning around in my head on Labor Day, the thoughts that came after a long walk with my dogs and my mother-in-law and then a trip to the Arts Festival Oklahoma. The thoughts that started with worry and then switched to anger after a conversation with my husband.

There is so much injustice in the world. There is so much belittling and so much pettiness. It is a wonder anyone is able to make it for 80 odd years as a person. The belittling, pettiness and injustice is enough to kill a person's spirit, to make a person throw up their hands and declare the world the victor.

And yet, somehow, it doesn't. Somehow we continue to move on. Somehow we continue to hold out for what is promised us.

Today I am praying for His promises. Today I am searching for His plan. Today I am asking for His direction. Today I am hoping to hear answers about opposition. Today I am hoping to understand.

Because I know He has a plan. I know His promises, that were spoken over me, will become true. I know that He is working. I know, I know, I know. I am just desperate to hear from Him again and to see more than just one step in front of me.


Edit 7:47pm, Monday September 6, 2010: God is good. I still claim this and know this to be true. He has a plan. His plan is moving forward. He provides. I never question this. I wrestle with His ways, but I know He is close. He always is and always will be. Through all my weakness, He is strong. 

(title from "almost everything" by wakey!wakey!)

it's madness in my head

I departed Oklahoma City, OK at 10am on Saturday, August 7th. I depart Seabrook, TX at 10am on Thursday, August 12th. The few days spent in Texas have been relaxing. It was time to get away. And while I am not quite ready to head back to reality, I know when tomorrow comes it will be time to head back.

Things are rather difficult right now. There is not much else that I can say at this point other than they are difficult. Probably more difficult than they have been for the past year, which is saying a lot since this past year has not been one of the best.

Sometimes I handle the difficulty well. I recognize that God is in control, that He is working through all of this and that He will bring us through this. Other times, I cry, a lot.

When I met a close friend for dinner last night, my face was puffy. My eyes were somewhat red and my nose stuffy. She asked how I was, and I chuckled. The answer was that I had been better.

We talked openly. I talked about what was going on in my life, and she talked about what was going on in her life. There was little she could offer real advice on (that anyone can offer real advice on), but she did say she has found how important it is to ask for peace every day. Just because you have peace one day does not mean you will have it the next day.

Most nights, I go to bed with peace. I am able to sleep for at least eight hours and without any nightmares. But most mornings, I wake up and my stomach is already churning. The tears want to spring forth, and it's hard to breathe. It's hard to get up on those mornings, and I am so thankful I have had a week where I do not have to get up on those mornings.

I know God is big enough to handle this. He is big enough to handle anything. And I know He is working through all of this. His steps might not alleviate what I see as the biggest issues, but his steps are moving through the smaller issues, providing us a way out and a way into His plan. I wouldn't have realized that without going to dinner last night.

I want to know why all of this is happening. I want to understand the reasoning for all of the struggle. I ask many questions, but I receive very few answers. What is it that I can do to stop the struggle? What is it I need to learn? What do we need to learn?  Could I have prevented this, or as with so many stories in the Bible, was this always Your plan? And finally.. why is this happening to us?

I know there's a reason. I believe there is a path we are meant to follow, all of us, and I believe God pushes us on the path. I believe that sometimes we veer off the path, but that he will bring us back to where it is He wants us to be.

And why is it happening to me? I've heard many people say: why not? I don't like that answer because I want to stay in my bubble and lie to myself about what I deserve versus what other people deserve. But I know that I don't deserve anything better than another person; I know that deep down. We all have our struggles. We all have our inner demons. None of us is intrinsically better than another. But still, I wonder "why."

I may never know. I understand that. Sometimes things happen, and there's no real reason for it that can be understood during this life. I may also find out later on, years down the road. It could be that one day I will come to the place God wants me, where my desires will be His desires, where I will truly lean on Him always and truly put him first, and then I might know.

But right now, it is going to be hard. There are many difficult decisions to make and many difficult conversations to have. There is going to be struggle. There is going to be hardship. And the only way I'll make it, we'll make it, is to press into Him.

(title from "you could be happy" by snow patrol)

no height and no depth could separate us

It’s no secret that the past few months, and even the past year, has been a year of trial, a year of strife, a year of tears and fears with a few rays of sunshine. So much has fallen apart including (but not limited to) our house. We’ve been blessed by a supportive family, close friends, and so much more. I try to focus only on the blessings, but recently, I’ve struggled with seeing the blessings during the present.

I tried my way

It always ends up being a mistake

I’ve prayed to see how He works in struggle and strife while going through struggle and strife. It’s easy to glance in the rear view mirror and have the blessings and reasons fly past. It’s so difficult to slow down, even pause life completely, when it seems as though many days are just meant to survive.

As I said, we are blessed. Life is difficult right now, but it is not impossible. We have enough to meet all of our needs and a few extras. Still, I am tired, exhausted even, and I am ready to not just have enough, to not just survive. I want to be able to enjoy life, to find joy in the situations we are in, to love uncontrollably and irrevocably. I want to bless others, to have enough left over that I feel like I have something left to give.

It’s not just one thing but a lot of little things together. I have cried out to God, asked Him for a miracle, for a sign, for something, and there have been small instances that made me wonder if He were speaking to me. I pray and ask for clarity, but nothing. He is once again silent.

But You’re right when You say

That You set the time for the plans You make

I never thought that I could ever learn to let it go

Somehow its better when I follow in the paths You show

So I’m here I’m waiting

Cause I believe

There is a tugging on my heart, one that says “just wait; I am here. I am working.” I do my best to believe it, to hold onto the waiting. I remember that He will always come through in His timing. I remember that He blesses those who wait on Him. So I wait. Sometimes patiently and with joy. Sometimes while sitting in my office bathroom with tears streaming down my cheeks.

We’ve known, since a few months after we purchased our house, that it needed so much more work than we realized. The work includes: a new crawl space foundation, insulation, new electrical work, updated plumbing, trees trimmed, new windows. I am sure there is more as well, but we have not yet discovered all of the home’s problems.

If it weren’t for the price tag attached to these items (like $17,000 just for the new foundation), I would be okay with it. I would remember that we have time, years even, to complete our work-in-progress. However, we have heard from multiple sources that the foundation is getting worse, there is now water flooding our crawlspace, and that we have maybe two years, at most, to complete the work.

Some say we need a miracle

Some say there’s no hope at all

But I know that Your love is strong, it goes on and on

And on and on

Rise up when it gets us down

It’ll be the voice in a blaring crowd

Because we know Your love will lead us home

It goes on and on and on and on

So we have prayed for a miracle, knowing God can deliver a miracle whenever He sees fit. We have prayed for $50,000 to simply fall out of the sky. We have prayed for Him to lift our house and steady the foundation. We have prayed for peace, for new employment opportunities, for direction. And He is quiet. I don’t think silent, as we have both heard whisperings, but quiet.

I’ve done my best to grasp an understanding of the situation, praying for clarity and reasoning. And He has provided some, but there is still so much I am uncertain over, so much I am not sure how to reason with.

Why is this our house, our problem? Why couldn’t we have been blessed with a different house? Because even though it has a lot of problems, this house is a blessing. It has kept us protected from storms (both spring and winter ones), from flooding, from power outages. It is the house we walked into, prayed over, and felt as though it were home. What are we supposed to learn from this?

There is no fear of belief

There’s just this cold reality

That wants to take me away from You

While writing this post, I felt God nudging me to remember that we (I) are much like an old house. So many of us have been rejected, left alone and abandoned. Our house certainly was as seen in this picture. For at least six years, it sat vacant, forgotten, boarded up, and unloved. I have felt that way, as have so many other people I know. Are we to learn from this house how to rebuild a person, to see how God views the people of the earth?

Or am I to learn about patience and contentment? Those who know me best will openly tell you (and tell me) that I move too quickly. I am not good at waiting. I am always looking for the next thing. I am ready for the next season of life. I do not always enjoy the current season of life. I breathe in the scent of flowers, but after two days, I am ready for new blooms, for a new scent, even though the scent of the flowers lasts for weeks at times.

Or am I to understand God’s timing more, to bend to His will instead of bending Him to mine? Because I often pray for things to happen quickly, for Him to move now. Recently, I have prayed for His timing, for His will, and I have said how afraid I am of those things. Because if I lean into Him and His will, I lose control, and as my husband will express, I have a bit of a problem with control.

I’m not sure of the reasons yet. I may never learn of the reasons. And I am so close to losing hope because I am tired. Tired of struggle, Tired of heartache. Tired of seeing the world hurt. But I refuse to lose hope.

Even if it means I have to cry in the bathroom every day at work and then pull myself together, I will not lose hope. I will not.

There is no doubt in my mind

That in Your perfect time

Your plans and Your ways will unfold.

(title and lyrics from "on and on" by chasen)

and all i want to do is live my life honestly

I graduated from the University of Oklahoma in 2008 with a Bachelor of Arts in Journalism and Mass Communication. My specialization was in Professional Writing. According to the university's website, a spot on the New York Times Best Sellers list or an Academy Award for Best Screenplay could be in the future of a Professional Writing student. The Professional Writing program in the Gaylord College of Journalism and Mass Communication prepares students for a variety of employment options. Along with careers as novelists and screenwriters, they may also work as publications specialists, assuming responsibility for various publications of a company or organization; as editors, reading and recommending manuscripts for a publishing house; or as columnists, writing critiques, reviews and columns.

I have always dreamed of a spot on the New York Times Best Sellers list. I still dream of a spot on the list. I will likely always dream of a spot on the list. But the truth is that I have been afraid to even attempt to make the dream come true. At least, I have been too afraid to truly attempt to make the dream come true.

I have purchased several books on writing the next best seller. I have also purchased books on how to get published. I've even read most of those books. But I have not had the discipline sit down daily and write the novel that might actually make it onto the list.

Fear has kept me from pursuing my dream. It is a fear of failure and of rejection. It is a fear that my professors tried to take away from us. My professors told us to expect rejection and to wait for rejection and then to use that rejection as fuel to our fire. But I have never been good with rejection, and so after college (and after I had to write for a grade and for my degree), I allowed the fear to win.

But fear is a lie. Fear is a lie because fear tells us we are not good enough. Fear tells us that someone else is better. Fear tells us that we will fail. Fear tells us that it's not even worth trying. Fear tells us that it is better to just blend in rather than stand out. And none of those things are true.

My husband and I attend Frontline Church in Oklahoma City, OK. It is a church whose mission is to Love God, Love People, and Push Back Darkness. It is a church that preaches the truth, a church that reaches out to others, and a church that does not let fear win. It is a church that loves the arts and prays for passion. It is a church that believes everyone has talents and gifts.

And it is a church that tells people to use their talents and their gifts. Every time they speak of talents and gifts, writing is listed as a talent, and every time, I feel God calling to me and asking me to push away the fear and write. Every time, I want to listen, but most of the time, I remind myself there are better writers than I and that I am busy with work and my family.

Last Sunday, our lead pastor did not speak. Instead, he asked someone else to speak. The message was powerful, honest, and inspiring. In it, the speaker said that we should always try and trust God to help us. He said that just because someone else has done something (and done it well) does not mean we should not do it as well. He used the gospel of Luke as an example as Luke was written after other gospels had been written.

Needless to say, I was convicted. I felt as though I were wasting my talents and gifts. And I hated how powerful the fear was, hated how I felt as though I were not good enough to even attempt writing. 

I'm not over the fear, yet. I'm still fighting it. And I didn't start writing again until this afternoon, until after returning from watching Dear John with a close friend of mine. It was Dear John that made me want to write, made me want to tell a compelling story of love, family, redemption, life, and everything else. 

And so I am. I am back to working on my novel, and this time, I am going to finish it.

Maybe I'll even end up on the New York Time's Best Sellers List.

(title from "days like this" by kim taylor)