it's always me

skinny face in the bright november sun.

On Sunday afternoon, my husband and I left the house for an afternoon date to Starbucks. We had talked about taking the dogs on a walk or going to a local nature park, but coffee, Wi-Fi, and reading outside all sounded better.

I've somehow lost the pound I regained in the midst of the holiday festivities. It's more of a miracle than anything else because I have spent more time on the couch over the four-day weekend than I have moving around.

I have considered exercising - every single day. But the more the hours tick by the less likely I am to head to the gym or leash up a dog for a walk. Thursday was a fluke as I took two walks - one with a dog and one without.

During the work week, it's easier. I do my best to head to the gym before 5pm and fit in a sweat session. Then I'll, on most days, make my way to my second job. Of course, I'm not sure how much good those sweat sessions do as I tend to graze a bit more than I might at home.

Not that I don't graze at home. Because I do. That seems to be my biggest problem of late: staying beneath the calorie goal. It is just so much easier to hit it exactly or go over it just a tad.

Obviously it's not working. My little (and sometimes not so little) cheats are keeping me right at a solid weight of 220. It's not my ideal weight but at least I know I can maintain.

Going into this next week, and the quickly approaching Christmas season, I have to figure this out. Drinking water helps. I know that. Little meals throughout the day help until I get to the evening hours. That's when the little meals don't help so much. They are what often lead to the calorie increases.

what a 45-pound loss looks like

Weight loss isn't impossible. I need only to read some of my favorite blogs to know that. So many other people - some with more weight to lose than I - have done this without a personal trainer and without leaving behind their daily lives to join the cast of The Biggest Loser. And a lot of people have done it with just as much on their plates as I have. There are a few who probably have more on their plates than I do.

I do wonder how. How do people get up in the mornings and go to the gym? How do people go out to eat and always say no to the much more delicious cheeseburger? Sometimes it seems like there's some sort of secret that I just don't know.

That's not true, though. There is no real secret. When I tell people I've lost 45 pounds so far, they almost always congratulate me and then ask me how. I always say it is about diet and exercise. And it truly is. That's the best way to drop weight. A lot of the people chuckle and agree. And then they say they can't do it. They're just too busy.

I've been that way a lot throughout this journey. I think that is one of the many reasons it's taken me so much longer than I planned. I wanted to lose all the weight in a year, but my year has come and gone and I am still not even halfway there.

That's okay though. It takes longer for everyone. I just have to remember why I started and that gives me so much strength to continue on.

throwback to college. 2005.

My why is simple and complex. It's simple because really why wouldn't I want to lose the weight. But it's also complex because for so much of my life I have been the bigger girl. The one who couldn't shop where her friends did. The one who talked about boys like they were my boyfriend so I could fit in even though everyone knew they were really just my friends.

I don't believe in feeling sorry for myself. Those years I spent being a bigger girl have made me who I am. I was blessed enough to find someone who saw me for me. Who has loved me for over four years and who has stood by my side as I have gained weight and lost weight. Someone who sees me as more than just a number on a scale.

engagement pictures in 2008

I spent so much time being ashamed. So much time hiding "my number." So much time denying how much I really weighed and just how unhealthy I was. That's quite possibly one of the reasons I am still working to lose the weight. A part of me now still has a hard time believing I was ever that big. But all I have to do is pull up old pictures to see the truth. It's one of the reasons I stopped taking pictures for so long. Years of my life are barely documented because I was ashamed of how I looked in pictures. I could deny the weight when I looked in the mirror but not when I looked at the camera.

I started to put on most of the weight between 2009 and 2010. Those were very hard years for me.

a rare picture from 2009 at a friend's wedding

I was married, living in a house that needed a lot more work than we could afford, and working a job that I both loved and hated. A job that kept me on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for very little money.

When I left that job in early 2010, it took me over a year to move on. A year to not jump every time the phone rang. A year to feel like I had my life back. Over a year to realize what was happening and how I would handle it all.

Sometimes I still feel like I am back in 2010. I am constantly looking for balance and relearning how to live a healthy life in the midst of working and building a house and being married. But I am in a much better place than I was in 2010.

Honestly healthiness is hard. It's hard to eat tuna fish and crackers instead of ordering off a menu at a restaurant. It's hard to drink water instead of a delicious diet coke. But looking back at these pictures reminds me of how hard it is to be unhealthy and also unhappy.

I spent time by myself Sunday morning and thought about where I am right now. I meditated for a while on where God is calling me and what I need to do with where I am. He reminded me of a story out of Numbers where in He communicates with the Israelites by covering their camp and uncovering their camp with a cloud. The cloud's presence, or lack thereof, tells them when they are to stay and when they are to move (Numbers 9:15-23).

I didn't get the clear answer I wanted. But I wasn't really surprised by that. God likes to be mysterious, and He likes to take His time to communicate. His timing is always best, after all. 

an even rarer 2010 picture

He did remind me, though, of where I am and how I got here. He reminded me of how He brought my jobs to me. And He reminded me of this blog and how important it is. That also reminded me of how important my health is and took me on this trip down memory lane.

I'll get to where I want to be weight wise. I know that. And I know I need to be more serious about it and put myself first. I also know He will take me where it is He wants me to go in His own time.

Looking at pictures of myself from the past few years is hard, but going back to the weight I was would be even harder. So I take that as one of my many reasons why. 

I will never be 265 pounds again.

I will never have a huge double chin again.

I will never wear a clothing size that starts with a 2 again.

Soon, I will never shop at or wear clothes from Lane Bryant again.

I will never have to buy plus-size clothes again.

I will never be so unhealthy because I eat nothing but fried foods again.

I will never be the fat girl again (though I know I may always carry her inside of me).

I also know that I am not my weight. That does not define who I am, what I do, or what I mean to people - even if other people dictate who I am by how I look and what the scale says.

I am going to fight to be healthy, fight to lose the weight, fight to regain who I am outside of my clothing size and number on the scale. And I am going to wait until God tells me to move. I am gong to stay the course with blogging. I am going to love on as many kids as I can, and I am going to build an amazing life with my husband.

When it's time to move on from jobs or blogging, God will let me know just as He let the Israelites know. Until then it is time for me to press on, push myself and lean into Him like never before.

(title from "save me" by ingrid michaelson)

grow tall and strong and proud

On Sunday afternoon, we loaded up our car and headed to Norman, OK to walk a small trail. My knee was throbbing for some reason, so my mother-in-law joined us and handled one of our dogs while my husband handled the other dog.

Walking the trail was beautiful. I needed the chance to get outside and move. I was able to just enjoy activity and movement instead of focusing solely on hitting a certain number of calories burned as I so often do when I put in my twenty or thirty minutes on the elliptical.

The hardest part of the trail, for me, was not holding onto a leash for the majority of the walk. I so easily get nervous when walking our dogs that I lock my knees. And I worry about every bump in the road, every tug on the leash, every jerk the dogs make.

And I didn't run. I watched my husband, my mother-in-law, and my two dogs run on ahead of me while I stayed back and walked. I thought about running, but I was afraid - even without a dog's leash to trip over.

So much of my weight loss has been hindered by fear. Fear of success. Fear of failure. Fear of what weight loss will change in my life. And fear of running.

It seems as thought much of my life has been spent recognizing and dealing with bad knees. I had my first knee surgery in junior high, and then the summer before my freshman year of college, I had a second knee surgery. Both my knees are bad. Both my knees have been operated on. And both my knees aren't quite as strong as they should be.

I so badly want to run. And I've spent some time running on the treadmill and a bit of time running during my several 5k's, but I have not committed to the sport out of fear. Every so often, when I'm running, I will feel my knee cap move and almost give out. That didn't happen today, but my entire knee has been throbbing almost all day.

Getting rid of the excess weight can only help. And concentrating on walking more, getting accustomed to uneven terrains, can only help as well.

I think I also need to let go of the fear. I just don't quite know how to.

I've tried the Couch to 5K program, but I never make it through the whole program. It seems just impossible to run for that long with these knees of mine. I honestly worry that my body is not capable of sustaining a long run though I truly want to be able to call myself a runner.

I'm not sure what the future holds with running. I don't know if I'll ever be able to run a half-marathon or a 10K or even a 5K. But I do know that - somehow - I have to move on from my fear and learn to trust my body and my knees. I'm just not sure how.

(title from "sort of" by ingrid michaelson)

everything will fit right in

A little under three weeks ago, I drafted a letter and handed it to my then supervisor. Friday was my last day at that position. My last day to drive the 40 minute commute. My last day to search for parking. My last day to be a part of the university staff.

I've considered my next move for quite some time. The past year has been spent wondering over what I want to do. Should I go back to school and get a masters? Should I stop working full-time and go to law school? Do I need to pursue a new career altogether? Do I stay where I am?

My answers to every question have differed on a weekly (and usually a daily) basis. But I never had the opportunity to change - until three weeks ago when God opened a huge door for me, and I stepped through.

There are plenty of reasons, I'm sure, for why other positions didn't happen. I don't understand all of the reasons, and I may never fully understand them. But I know that I am where I am right now because I didn't take any of the other opportunities I prayed would become possibilities and then reality.

Had I not been in my current position last April, I doubt I would have lost nearly 40 pounds. So many of the people who played an integral role in my weight loss journey thus far were people I never would have met without a membership to the university gym.

There were strangers who became friends, instructors who inspired and challenged me, and instructors who became friends. Friendly faces that smiled when I walked through the gym doors and people who recognized me, who commented on my success thus far, and who reminded me every time I saw them that I could do it. Not only that - they reminded me that I was doing it and doing it the right way.

I'm scared to be on my own now. The past three weeks have been filled with change, with stress, with excitement, and with the knowledge that I no longer have a normal life. But those three weeks are now gone, and it is time for me to step into the new normal - a normal that currently exists without those strangers, friends, and instructors.

I know they still believe in me and that they still support me. Our relationships grew outside the bounds of just work out class or just the gym. But I won't see them every day or week. They won't be able to push me with an obstacle course in boot camp or remind me of just how far I have come or marvel at the inches lost. I'm going to have to be one to push myself, to remind myself and to marvel.

I don't think I could have done that two months ago. I'm terrified that I won't be able to do it now. Instead of giving into any of the fear, though, I need to use the fear as a reason to do even better.

There are some thing I'll have the chance to do now that I didn't have the chance to do before. Like eating breakfast at home. Like starting the morning off with a work out. Like taking the time I spent driving to work and using it to care for myself. So that's what I am going to do - no more excuses.

The first time I stepped foot into the gym early I did so with a partner. There won't be anyone waiting for me in the mornings, but I'm going to pretend there is - just to put a little spark into me when I roll out of bed and ready myself for a morning work out followed by a day of work.

It's going to take time to continue to find my new normal. And there is some nervousness associated with the starting of a new position. But I know, without any doubt or hesitation, that I am right where I am supposed to be.

I took the weekend off from my part-time job and allowed myself time to relax and rest. I spent time on the couch with my husband and finally caught up on my DVR. I went to the gym and sweated through a 45 minute work out. I walked around the grocery store with my husband and selected several easy to make meals for dinners and also filled the grocery cart with frozen dinners. I ate too much Chinese food and drank more Diet Dr. Pepper than water. I spent Sunday morning at church, allowing myself to be filled up and reminded that God is walking alongside me with everything - new jobs, weight loss, my marriage. Church also reminded me that He has always been beside me - even during the times when I felt far from Him and wondered why things just weren't working out.

I don't have all the answers. But I know that this time is a time of blessing. It is a time given to me by Him. I can't take any credit for it; I can only point back to Him.

(title from "i'm through" by ingrid michaelson)

here we go again

After weeks away from the gym, I was nervous. I've dealt with anxiety over exercising and what other people thought of me, but I overcame much of that anxiety. And then I stopped going to the gym.

I would tell myself that this would be the week that I started exercising again. I always meant it, but until this week, I didn't follow through. There were plenty of reasonsexcuses. One was my knee.

In junior high, I had knee surgery on my left knee, and then the summer before my freshman year of college, I had knee surgery on my right knee. I've dealt with problems with my left knee (my knee cap moving out of place) for years. Spending hours at the gym alleviated many of the problems as I finally began strengthening the tendons and muscles in my knee.

But something happened with my right knee. I thought it was overuse and misuse. I would straighten my right leg, and my knee would pop loudly each time. I would bend my knees, and I would hear bone rubbing on bone. And I cringed every time. I decided I needed rest and used the rest as a reason to not work out. But the problems only got worse.

I finally started moving on Monday, and while my knee isn't fully fixed, it feels much better and is already making less noise. I can only attribute that to the past three days on the elliptical, consuming lots of water, and once again taking glucosamine (along with cranberry extract, fish oil, milk thistle, and a multivitamin).

When I stepped into the gym today, I did so with a mission. My upper body was sore after one day of rowing and yoga abs and then another day of upper body strength training, so I knew that my Wednesday work out would need to concentrate on something other than my arms and core muscles.

I decided to complete 40 minutes on the elliptical - 10 minutes more than what I did on Monday or Tuesday. Just moving on the elliptical wouldn't be enough, so I looked for interval work outs to fit my needs. But I didn't find anything I liked, so I created my own.

I spent the first 10 minutes on the elliptical increasing the incline. I kept my speed around 4mph. Then I completed 10 minutes of intervals. I moved at 4mph for 30 seconds and then increased my speed to somewhere between 5mph and 6mph for 30 seconds and then repeated that routine for 10 minutes. After that, I completed another 10 minutes on the elliptical increasing the incline and then another 5 minutes of intervals. I ended with a 5 minute cool down and then somehow made it back to my office to finish the rest of the work day. I was a sweaty, sore mess, but I loved every minute of it.

My day had the potential of turning out poorly. I was rushed this morning as I had something to take care of before work. Our coffeemaker also malfunctioned, so I left the house without an egg scramble and coffee. But instead of letting that determine my entire day, I made do with breakfast, eating turkey bacon and some cheese, and got my caffeine from somewhere else. And I finished the day without any cheating on phase one of the South Beach Diet.

I had planned on making turkey chili in the CrockPot for dinner, but my rushed morning made that impossible. My back-up plan was to make a taco salad, using lean ground turkey for the meat, but by the time I got home, I no longer wanted anything Mexican. In the past, I would have struggled to figure out what I wanted to eat, but I found a recipe on Pinterest that I knew would work for dinner.

It's only recently that I've truly started to cook, so most likely, I will be unable to take credit (ever) for full recipes. I say that because I want to make sure and give credit where credit is due.

Dinner tonight was lightly smothered chicken, although I smothered it a bit more. That's part of the beauty of the South Beach Diet. I can eat as much as I want of the right foods, and somehow I eat less than I do when I'm just watching what I eat.

I started with 12 ounces of baked chicken breast (the original recipe calls for grilled). The chicken breast was seasoned with Italian Seasonings; I baked it at 375° for 25-30 minutes on Monday. The juices ran clear, and it was not dry at all. I then sliced one green bell pepper, one onion, and 8 ounces of mushrooms. I sauteed all of the vegetables in 1 teaspoon of olive oil.

While the vegetables cooked for about seven minutes (they were still crispy - just like I like them), I smothered the chicken in dijon mustard. The original recipe calls for one tablespoon of dijon mustard, but I used more than that. Once the vegetables were finished cooking, I mixed them in a bowl with oregano, two cloves of minced garlic (the original recipe calls for one), sea salt, and pepper.

I put the vegetables on top of the chicken and then covered the chicken and vegetables with cheese. The original recipe called for mozzarella cheese, but I didn't have any so I used colby jack cheese. I also used more cheese than the original recipe because, well, I can eat lots of cheese. The dish cooked for approximately 10 minutes, just long enough for the cheese to melt and the chicken to be reheated, at 350°.

This is a recipe I will definitely be making again. I ate most of it for dinner, and my husband tried it as well. It's now one of his favorites. Next time I would make less onions as they aren't my favorite and use two bell peppers as well as increase the amount of chicken which would make enough food for two dinners and one lunch at least.

So much today was simple. A simple dinner, a simple work out. But it was what I needed because it showed me that I can do this - even when my morning is rushed and less than ideal. I needed that reminder.

(title from "sort of" by ingrid michaelson)