done looking for the critics (week 13)

This week, I've thought a lot about letters. I've even sent a few out into the universe care of twitter. There's so much left to say - so much I haven't had time to say this week - and I can't form all of it into a blog post, but I can write letters.

Dear Husband,
I'm glad you've found frozen food (steamable Lean Cusinines, anyone?) you can eat when I'm working nights. And I'm even more glad we have family and friends who will feed you homecooked dinners. You've been so supportive with me changing jobs and working two jobs, and I am so grateful for that and for you. Our lengthy phone conversations make me feel even closer to you. Can't wait for an entire weekend with you (and our two demanding dogs).


Dear BootCamp,
You challenge me. And it scares me. I want to challenge myself when I'm not with you (at you? doing you?). But I don't know how to. I'm hoping that my last week with you will be the exact amount of knowledge I need to be able to challenge myself when I'm all alone at the gym. You also hurt - although I don't realize that until the next day. Thank you for reminding me that I'm not yet ready to run a marathon (or even a 5K). Also I hope to find your replacement soon and also hope that you can forgive me for thinking/saying you can be replaced.

Dear Self,
You might be sabotaging yourself. Or maybe you're just upset with the scale and giving into the higher number. Please remember that the scale fluctuates daily. You know what your real weight is. Remember that. And don't be afraid to ask for help if you can't seem to get the scale to go down. The number you see there is not the end all or be all. Also - do more jumping jacks and squats and go run/walk at least two miles today; that's an order. (PS: if you don't make it to the gym, forgive yourself and then do extra miles over the weekend and more squats; that's an order too.)

Dear Weight Watchers,
I've said no nearly every time someone has mentioned my joining you. I've said you were too expensive and that I didn't have time for your meetings. I think, though, I might have to join. I'm worth spending the money and time on after all. If I do become a member (again - we met in high school, remember?), please be nice and gentle.

Dear Husband (who gets 2 letters a la Today's Letters),
I don't know if I was supposed to see it or not, but I noticed a particular book sitting on the dining room table. Thank you, and I promise to act surprised if I am not supposed to know it's there. You listen so well and remember the things I want the most. Thank you for loving me with my love language and being patient with me as I continue to learn how to love you with your love language. (PS: I love revisiting our first dates and can't wait to be your "super hot" wife once I finish losing all this weight! Also thank you for supporting my ever changing hair color. Can't wait to be blonde [again] like I was back when we met in 2008.)


(title from "f*ckin perfect" by pink)

done looking for the critics (week 12)

I'm still here - just adjusting to a new normal. That's how the next few weeks, maybe in the next month or two, will be.

My new normal includes a 60-hour work week. Right now, it's 20-hours at a part-time job and 40-hours at my current full-time job. In a few weeks, it will be 20-hours at a part-time job and 40-hours at a new full-time job. It sounds crazy to type that out and claim it as my life, but it's there. And I know that it is right where I am supposed to be.

But knowing it is right where I am supposed to be does not make it any easier. In fact, it makes a little more difficult because I can feel myself easing into the transitions and allowing things to take their course rather than planning how I will transition.

I see it the most, right now, with food and water and how those things seem to be slipping away from homecooked dinners and into fast food dinners where I don't make the best choices possible.

I'm not home at dinner time now. I'm driving between two work places and stopping at the healthiest and quickest place I can think of. And every time, I have a choice to make of what I will order. So far I haven't made the healthiest choices. I've had french fries instead of a salad and sourdough bread instead of wheat bread. I don't know why, though. Is it that I miss those foods and am saying to hell with watching every morsel of food? Or is that it's just so much easier to order food the way it comes rather than ask for it to be changed?

And the gym. Right now, I complete my work-outs during my lunch hour and then return to work sweaty and a little stinky. When I start my new full-time job, I may not have that as an option. So, then, when will I have time? I honestly don't know, but I do know that I will make time for the gym.

If I can make time to work two jobs, I can make time for the gym. If I can make time to spend with my husband, I can make time for the gym. There is no excuse for not having time.

And water. I don't drink nearly enough water. I try to, but I don't make it a priority. That needs to change - maybe more than anything. My body is craving it. I feel dehydrated when I wake from a night's rest. Yes, my food choices need some improving, but I've stayed at or below my calorie allotment each day this week. I have't consumed the amount of water I need.

So I know I need to plan much better than I have. There will be little time in the mornings to whip up dinner, and foods cooked in the CrockPot need to be done so the night before so I can take them for lunch, and maybe even dinner. And I need to recommit to myself and to this journey. Because without commitment, I will fail.

The commitment part almost seems more difficult than the planning. I am so tired of having to commit and then recommit. I am exhausted from reminding myself of why I am doing this in the first place. I'm over looking in the mirror, in the midst of zumba or another class, and seeing a girl that still has so long to go.

I'm ready for the journey to be over. I'm ready to know that I actually did it. I'm ready to see the hard work pay off and not just hear from others that it is paying off. I'm ready to be healthy and fit and to be able to tell others that they too can do it (without feeling like a hypocrite).

Right now, I feel like a hypocrite. I feel like a liar for telling people they can do it when I'm hurriedly eating dinner from Chik-Fil-A. I feel like I am somehow failing myself, and everyone else, because I'm not even to the halfway mark.

And yes, I could watch what I eat more and drink more water. I need to do those things. But even doing all of that exceptionally well does not guarantee that the scale will go down or my clothes will feel looser. The body is a tricky thing and sometimes it decides to hold onto the weight while other times the weight seems to fall off. Right now, I feel like my body is holding onto the weight, and refusing to let go, and it's making it difficult for me to remember that all of this is worth it.

I say all of this because it is where I am right now - not because I am giving up. Because I'm not. I know I have come to far to say "screw it" and return to the life I led before. I'm just trying to figure out how it all works together and how to make all of this my new normal.

Because it is my new normal. This weight loss journey doesn't end when the scale shows me I have lost 100 pounds. This weight loss journey ends when my life ends because even after I've lost the weight, I will still fight for my healthiness and fight to keep the weight off.

(title from "f*ckin perfect" by pink)

done looking for the critics (week 11)

There are many things I love about the blogging world, and one of those things is interaction. On Thursday, a few questions were asked on one of the blogs I frequent, and I've considered my answer since Thursday morning.

What keeps you motivated? What keeps you inspired? Why do you continue to fight over and over again for your healthiness? Is the reason you started different than the reason you keep fighting?

I thought about my answer for roughly thirty seconds, read through some of the already posted answers, considered everything I've written about on my blog, and then typed out I do it because...

• I feel better about myself.
• I’m less stressed (and less bitchy to be honest) when I’m exercising.
• I’m healthier.
• I like seeing the diminishing number on the scale.
• Once I hit 100 pounds lost, I get a new wardrobe.
• I deserve to love myself.
• I want to be the woman God intended me to be – and that means healthy.
• I know I am not alone.
• I’m worthy of feeling beautiful.
• It is time to stop hiding behind the weight and start living my life for all to see.

Those answers are true, but there's more to it than just that. Of course, I didn't realize that until I started "shaking my ass" in zumba at 12:00pm that day. Watching some of the girls in the class, I realized how much I wanted to feel comfortable in workout attire and in a workout class. It reminded me that I don't want to feel like the fat girl any more. I want to feel, and look like and be, the fit girl.

I want to be able to wear cute workout clothes from Lululemon (as well as from Nike and Jillian Michaels line). I want to shop in any store I wish because I know the clothes are likely to fit. I want to be proud of my body and no longer ashamed. But I didn't mention any of those things in my original answer to the question because I was ashamed and didn't want to seem vain.

If vanity were the only reason I was losing weight, I would have quite by now. I might look better than I did when I started in April, but I'm so far from where I want to be that I sometimes wonder if I will ever get there. So I remember the other reasons - that I feel better about myself, that I'm a nicer person, that I'm healthier.

I get comments from people that I look so much better than I did months ago - that the changes are evident. I believe them, but I struggle to see those changes myself. Because I want to be at my ideal weight, wearing clothes from J. Crew and Express and Lululemon - not in the process of getting there.

Still, it's good to be reminded of why I am doing what I am doing. It's good to remember all of the reasons I have to get off of the couch and into the gym. It's necessary to hold onto the reasons I cook dinner instead of stopping at Taco Bell or Wendy's.

Reading the responses to the questions was also inspiring. It reminded me that we all started with a reason to work out and to eat better. Even the cute girls in zumba started with a reason. For all I know, they started where I was: unhealthy and needing a change. And it's essential that I remember that rather than look at everyone else with frustration because they are where I want to be.

I'll get there. Slowly but surely I will get there. And I'll remember that just because the scale doesn't reflect my effort does not mean that my body isn't changing. Muscle takes up less space than fat, and I'd rather be a higher, healthier weight with lean muscle than a lower weight with lots of flab.

Because while it is about the diminishing number on the scale, I have to remember that a 5 pound loss on the scale may look more like a 10 pound loss on my body  - especially considering how much more room fat takes versus muscle. Until recently, I didn't really think about that, but now I try to remember it every time I step onto the scale and pass by a mirror.

Eating makes a huge difference in weight loss - a bigger difference than exercise really as you can't out exercise a bad diet, but exercise makes a bigger difference, for me, in every day life.

What does it for you? What keeps you motivated? Why do you continue to fight over and over again for your healthiness?

(title from "f*ckin perfect" by pink)

here we go again

After weeks away from the gym, I was nervous. I've dealt with anxiety over exercising and what other people thought of me, but I overcame much of that anxiety. And then I stopped going to the gym.

I would tell myself that this would be the week that I started exercising again. I always meant it, but until this week, I didn't follow through. There were plenty of reasonsexcuses. One was my knee.

In junior high, I had knee surgery on my left knee, and then the summer before my freshman year of college, I had knee surgery on my right knee. I've dealt with problems with my left knee (my knee cap moving out of place) for years. Spending hours at the gym alleviated many of the problems as I finally began strengthening the tendons and muscles in my knee.

But something happened with my right knee. I thought it was overuse and misuse. I would straighten my right leg, and my knee would pop loudly each time. I would bend my knees, and I would hear bone rubbing on bone. And I cringed every time. I decided I needed rest and used the rest as a reason to not work out. But the problems only got worse.

I finally started moving on Monday, and while my knee isn't fully fixed, it feels much better and is already making less noise. I can only attribute that to the past three days on the elliptical, consuming lots of water, and once again taking glucosamine (along with cranberry extract, fish oil, milk thistle, and a multivitamin).

When I stepped into the gym today, I did so with a mission. My upper body was sore after one day of rowing and yoga abs and then another day of upper body strength training, so I knew that my Wednesday work out would need to concentrate on something other than my arms and core muscles.

I decided to complete 40 minutes on the elliptical - 10 minutes more than what I did on Monday or Tuesday. Just moving on the elliptical wouldn't be enough, so I looked for interval work outs to fit my needs. But I didn't find anything I liked, so I created my own.

I spent the first 10 minutes on the elliptical increasing the incline. I kept my speed around 4mph. Then I completed 10 minutes of intervals. I moved at 4mph for 30 seconds and then increased my speed to somewhere between 5mph and 6mph for 30 seconds and then repeated that routine for 10 minutes. After that, I completed another 10 minutes on the elliptical increasing the incline and then another 5 minutes of intervals. I ended with a 5 minute cool down and then somehow made it back to my office to finish the rest of the work day. I was a sweaty, sore mess, but I loved every minute of it.

My day had the potential of turning out poorly. I was rushed this morning as I had something to take care of before work. Our coffeemaker also malfunctioned, so I left the house without an egg scramble and coffee. But instead of letting that determine my entire day, I made do with breakfast, eating turkey bacon and some cheese, and got my caffeine from somewhere else. And I finished the day without any cheating on phase one of the South Beach Diet.

I had planned on making turkey chili in the CrockPot for dinner, but my rushed morning made that impossible. My back-up plan was to make a taco salad, using lean ground turkey for the meat, but by the time I got home, I no longer wanted anything Mexican. In the past, I would have struggled to figure out what I wanted to eat, but I found a recipe on Pinterest that I knew would work for dinner.

It's only recently that I've truly started to cook, so most likely, I will be unable to take credit (ever) for full recipes. I say that because I want to make sure and give credit where credit is due.

Dinner tonight was lightly smothered chicken, although I smothered it a bit more. That's part of the beauty of the South Beach Diet. I can eat as much as I want of the right foods, and somehow I eat less than I do when I'm just watching what I eat.

I started with 12 ounces of baked chicken breast (the original recipe calls for grilled). The chicken breast was seasoned with Italian Seasonings; I baked it at 375° for 25-30 minutes on Monday. The juices ran clear, and it was not dry at all. I then sliced one green bell pepper, one onion, and 8 ounces of mushrooms. I sauteed all of the vegetables in 1 teaspoon of olive oil.

While the vegetables cooked for about seven minutes (they were still crispy - just like I like them), I smothered the chicken in dijon mustard. The original recipe calls for one tablespoon of dijon mustard, but I used more than that. Once the vegetables were finished cooking, I mixed them in a bowl with oregano, two cloves of minced garlic (the original recipe calls for one), sea salt, and pepper.

I put the vegetables on top of the chicken and then covered the chicken and vegetables with cheese. The original recipe called for mozzarella cheese, but I didn't have any so I used colby jack cheese. I also used more cheese than the original recipe because, well, I can eat lots of cheese. The dish cooked for approximately 10 minutes, just long enough for the cheese to melt and the chicken to be reheated, at 350°.

This is a recipe I will definitely be making again. I ate most of it for dinner, and my husband tried it as well. It's now one of his favorites. Next time I would make less onions as they aren't my favorite and use two bell peppers as well as increase the amount of chicken which would make enough food for two dinners and one lunch at least.

So much today was simple. A simple dinner, a simple work out. But it was what I needed because it showed me that I can do this - even when my morning is rushed and less than ideal. I needed that reminder.

(title from "sort of" by ingrid michaelson)