and she's not backing down

I will never be a runner.

I may be able to run, but I will never be a runner. 5Ks may be in my future. 5Ks that include more walking than running. 5Ks that are for fun - like Color Runs and maybe another Dirty 30 without completion of all the obstacles. But anything outside of a 5K is out of the future.

Growing up, I took 20 minutes to complete one mile. There was very little running and a lot of walking and talking with friends. I could have walked faster I'm sure, but what I know now is that it is not my fault that I couldn't run a mile in under 12 minutes.

I was born misaligned. I am biomechanically challenged. Knees are meant to move laterally, and for me, that's a struggle. My hips are wide, my knees more bowed, my feet flat. It's an entire issue that runs from my hips down.

I never knew this until Wednesday. No surgeon has explained this to me. No surgeon explained it to my parents either. Previous bouts of physical therapy focused on strengthening my knees but not my entire leg.

Knowing what I know now, I feel lighter. I can finally let go of the failures that trailed after me. Not just the failures of walking a slow mile as a child and adolescent but also the failures of not being able to keep up with friend's paces while running on the treadmill. The failures of having to walk more than I run. The failures of never being able to complete the Couch 2 5K program because my knees simply couldn't handle it. The failures of being a clutz with ankles that twist easily and knees that dislocate often.

I've let go of the dream of running a half-marathon. I've accepted that running will not be my sport. That there will be no easy weight loss attributed to pounding out miles of the pavement or the treadmill. I've forgiven myself for how hard I was on myself for all the things I couldn't do as well as others. I've released the frustration I had and accepted more self-love.

I will never be a runner. I will never be a weight loss success story because of running. But I will be an athlete. And I will be a weight loss success story. I'll just fight harder, bike harder, and swim harder to get there.

Knowing what I know now, I feel excited. Because I let running identify who I was (or was not) for a long time. I saw myself as a failure all because I was never created to run. And that was a lie.

Now I see myself as a success and as someone who has a lifetime ahead of her to figure out what she enjoys. I see myself as an individual - a person who can fit into whatever mold she wants to.

And I'm stronger for it - this biomechanical mess that I am. I'll always be stronger for it because I'll have to work harder than most. And work hard I will. This will not defeat me. It will not define me. Instead I will define myself.

(title from "girl on fire" by alicia keys)

Linking up for Fitness Friday with Desirae and Fitness Friday with Jill!

grow tall and strong and proud

On Sunday afternoon, we loaded up our car and headed to Norman, OK to walk a small trail. My knee was throbbing for some reason, so my mother-in-law joined us and handled one of our dogs while my husband handled the other dog.

Walking the trail was beautiful. I needed the chance to get outside and move. I was able to just enjoy activity and movement instead of focusing solely on hitting a certain number of calories burned as I so often do when I put in my twenty or thirty minutes on the elliptical.

The hardest part of the trail, for me, was not holding onto a leash for the majority of the walk. I so easily get nervous when walking our dogs that I lock my knees. And I worry about every bump in the road, every tug on the leash, every jerk the dogs make.

And I didn't run. I watched my husband, my mother-in-law, and my two dogs run on ahead of me while I stayed back and walked. I thought about running, but I was afraid - even without a dog's leash to trip over.

So much of my weight loss has been hindered by fear. Fear of success. Fear of failure. Fear of what weight loss will change in my life. And fear of running.

It seems as thought much of my life has been spent recognizing and dealing with bad knees. I had my first knee surgery in junior high, and then the summer before my freshman year of college, I had a second knee surgery. Both my knees are bad. Both my knees have been operated on. And both my knees aren't quite as strong as they should be.

I so badly want to run. And I've spent some time running on the treadmill and a bit of time running during my several 5k's, but I have not committed to the sport out of fear. Every so often, when I'm running, I will feel my knee cap move and almost give out. That didn't happen today, but my entire knee has been throbbing almost all day.

Getting rid of the excess weight can only help. And concentrating on walking more, getting accustomed to uneven terrains, can only help as well.

I think I also need to let go of the fear. I just don't quite know how to.

I've tried the Couch to 5K program, but I never make it through the whole program. It seems just impossible to run for that long with these knees of mine. I honestly worry that my body is not capable of sustaining a long run though I truly want to be able to call myself a runner.

I'm not sure what the future holds with running. I don't know if I'll ever be able to run a half-marathon or a 10K or even a 5K. But I do know that - somehow - I have to move on from my fear and learn to trust my body and my knees. I'm just not sure how.

(title from "sort of" by ingrid michaelson)

i have to want to leave the ground

I've never been a fast runner. Really I've never been a runner. And in the past that was fine. Planned even. In the past, I had no desire to be a runner.

But now, I do.

When I took PE class, I generally walked the required mile. There was a group of us who would walk and maybe jog some for the benefit of the teachers. None of us had any real desire to run. We were in PE class because it was a required part of our education and not because we chose to be.

Now, upon entering the gym, I am there because I choose to be. Yes, it is a helpful part of my weight loss journey, but I could strictly watch my calories and still lose weight. I did that last week and lost a pound. I go to the gym because I like the endorphins and because sweating up a storm makes me feel better about myself.

I forgot that last week. I gave into the impending winter weather. I allowed myself rest. It helped some, but now it is Monday morning of a new week and I am still tired. I still don't want to go to the gym. So this week, instead of resting, I am going to force myself to finish.

In PE class, your times of completing a mile are compared with the other students (at least they were for me) as well as with the time you took to complete your previous mile. Knowing I would never win against another student allowed me, in my mind, the opportunity not to try.

And while I do compare myself to others in the gym, my time and my effort really only matters for myself. I'm not doing this for a grade or to be able to look at others and say I can run faster than you. I am doing this because I want to be healthy and because I want the joy of saying I finished that mile in my fastest time yet.

More than that, I want to reclaim the joy of just saying that I finished. I want to rediscover the feeling of accomplishment I get after a workout. I want to remember how much I love the gym. And I want to stop allowing my injuries or exhaustion to take over.

Because I am injured. I have a knee that hurts all of the time. And I'm not going to be able to break into a sprint or come in first during a 5k. But right now all that matters is that I try and that I not give up. Right now I need to push through the pain and rehabilitate my knee. I need to stop making excuses and stop allowing things to get in my way.

I need to remember that I will never again be that girl who took 20 minutes to finish a mile. And I need to remember that I will always be the girl who finishes.

(title from "on my way here" by ryan tedder)