and she's not backing down

I will never be a runner.

I may be able to run, but I will never be a runner. 5Ks may be in my future. 5Ks that include more walking than running. 5Ks that are for fun - like Color Runs and maybe another Dirty 30 without completion of all the obstacles. But anything outside of a 5K is out of the future.

Growing up, I took 20 minutes to complete one mile. There was very little running and a lot of walking and talking with friends. I could have walked faster I'm sure, but what I know now is that it is not my fault that I couldn't run a mile in under 12 minutes.

I was born misaligned. I am biomechanically challenged. Knees are meant to move laterally, and for me, that's a struggle. My hips are wide, my knees more bowed, my feet flat. It's an entire issue that runs from my hips down.

I never knew this until Wednesday. No surgeon has explained this to me. No surgeon explained it to my parents either. Previous bouts of physical therapy focused on strengthening my knees but not my entire leg.

Knowing what I know now, I feel lighter. I can finally let go of the failures that trailed after me. Not just the failures of walking a slow mile as a child and adolescent but also the failures of not being able to keep up with friend's paces while running on the treadmill. The failures of having to walk more than I run. The failures of never being able to complete the Couch 2 5K program because my knees simply couldn't handle it. The failures of being a clutz with ankles that twist easily and knees that dislocate often.

I've let go of the dream of running a half-marathon. I've accepted that running will not be my sport. That there will be no easy weight loss attributed to pounding out miles of the pavement or the treadmill. I've forgiven myself for how hard I was on myself for all the things I couldn't do as well as others. I've released the frustration I had and accepted more self-love.

I will never be a runner. I will never be a weight loss success story because of running. But I will be an athlete. And I will be a weight loss success story. I'll just fight harder, bike harder, and swim harder to get there.

Knowing what I know now, I feel excited. Because I let running identify who I was (or was not) for a long time. I saw myself as a failure all because I was never created to run. And that was a lie.

Now I see myself as a success and as someone who has a lifetime ahead of her to figure out what she enjoys. I see myself as an individual - a person who can fit into whatever mold she wants to.

And I'm stronger for it - this biomechanical mess that I am. I'll always be stronger for it because I'll have to work harder than most. And work hard I will. This will not defeat me. It will not define me. Instead I will define myself.

(title from "girl on fire" by alicia keys)

Linking up for Fitness Friday with Desirae and Fitness Friday with Jill!

somehow you got through it

Sitting in the orthopedist's office waiting to learn whether I needed surgery or just lots of physical therapy, I was never scared of having knee surgery. Even in the days leading up the knee surgery, I wasn't scared. I've had enough surgeries (6 total including this one) to know that surgeons tend to know what they are doing and I don't have a negative reaction to anesthesia.

What scared me, and still scares me, is everything that comes after knee surgery. The pain killers. The immobilizer. The crutches. The learning how to walk again. The spending entire days on the couch. The physical therapy. The having to depend on other people for everything.

I felt a bit sorry for myself. I never really mentioned that to anyone, keeping those feelings to myself and doing my best to be positive and confident. But over the past few days of recovery, the thoughts of fear have crept in and tried to take over.

Part of it was that I knew what to expect with this surgery. That made the surgery itself easier but the recovery seem more daunting. I had my first knee surgery while in junior high on my left knee. My second knee surgery was for my right knee and happened the summer before my freshman year of college.

My first knee surgery was a piece of cake compared to my second and now third. The second knee surgery was tough. I remember lots of tears and lots of pain. More tears and pain than I've had with this third surgery thankfully.

Telling the anaesthesiologist, the nurses and the reverend that this was my third knee surgery made me realize just how bad my knees are. They all looked at me with a bit of shock. 27 is a bit young to have to undergo so many procedures for the knees. The fact that following the surgery the surgeon explained just how loose my knee was also made me realize just how bad off they (and I) were. The only reason I didn't have surgery earlier was because I refused to allow them to be that bad.

all bandaged up!

Now, though, I have to face my bad knees. With physical therapy and rehab. With the knowledge that I will always have to be extra careful. And with the determination to lose this weight and strengthen my legs as much as humanly possible.

It's kind of funny that I'm so focused on what comes next when right now I'm not comfortable. I'm better than I was when I first came home from the hospital, but pain still grips me - sometimes it's constant and sometimes it's fleeting. There's a part of me that's beyond ready to rip my immobilizer off and start bending my knee; there's also a part of me that isn't so sure I'll be ready to move from an immobilizer to a regular brace.

I told my fears to my mom, who is staying with us and helping me heal while my husband works, and she told me I think too much. And I do think too much. Especially when I'm resigned to sit on the couch and rest.

I want to take these fears and turn them into something else. Determination, maybe. Or drive? Goals and successes, too. Anything but fears that stop me in my tracks and make it difficult for me to move on and conquer the things I've set out to conquer.

Up until today, I've spent a lot of time watching TV and trying to read. A lot of time sleeping too. I know watching TV and sleeping are good while recovering, but I don't want to spend all my time doing those things. That's part of the reason I'm here today - documenting my fears. It's also part of the reason I submitted documents to officially become a contributor to another site. And part of why I finally started working on my novel again today.

I always want a week at home to write and spend time on household projects. But I've seen this week as more of a sentence than a chance to write. With a little attitude adjustment from my mom, and a friend calling me out on twitter, I am changing my mind set. My mom has the household projects under control, and I've got my MacBook in front of me.

I suppose writing is my first step towards turning my fears into something else. My next step? The first post-operative appointment I have scheduled for this Thursday. And then? Going back to work.

But I need to not focus on everything that comes after this first step and instead focus on healing and writing.

And I need to remember that knee surgery and bad knees are not the end of the world. They're just a reason to work even harder and prove to myself (and everyone else) that I will overcome.

(title from "age of worry" by john mayer)

you're gonna have to fight

Faced with surgery in less than two weeks, I know I have to stay positive. I'm not sure what will happen exactly when I'm under anesthesia because I don't know just how bad my knee is. So I also have no idea what to expect as far as recovery. I'm just hoping it will be a week or so off of work and then back to light duty.

I know reality might be different. And I'm prepared for that. I just don't want to focus on it.

It's not easy to think this way. It would be so much easier to feel defeated. To think about how all my hard work up to this point just doesn't matter. To determine that the surgery and recovery is going to be terrible.

I've felt that way some. Moments of doubt creep in, and I suddenly feel frozen. And then I pray. It all goes away.

At church on Sunday, I told my husband I wanted to be positive through this whole process. I want this surgery to be the time I got strength back in my legs and my knees. I don't want this surgery to be the time I gained back 10 pounds.

I tend to eat emotionally. And I've done that some since learning surgery was my only option. I allowed myself to be sad and upset. To grieve. And now it's time to watch what I eat, to be healthy, and to do whatever I can to make it through this surgery with some resemblance of a smile.

We all have choices in our lives, and our choices don't just impact us. They impact the other people around us.

My choice right now is to not be defeated. It is to be empowered.

My choice is to turn this difficult time into a positive time. It is a choice to remember that this is only a moment of my life and not my whole time.

Someone else will need surgery in the future. And they might not be able to be positive. And maybe, just maybe, my story will reach them and help them through.

I don't want to just write about knee surgery in the 11 days proceeding my surgery date, but it's what I am dealing with right now. And this blog has always been about whatever thoughts and situations I am working my way through. So I hope to share more over the next week and a half. And then after surgery we will just have to wait and see.

PS: Go mingle with Meg!

(title from "we both know" by gavin degraw & colbie caillat)

it was like slow motion

I entered my doctor's appointment hopeful but anxious. I had a feeling that the news wouldn't be good news. A feeling that surgery was on the horizon. But I hoped that I would be wrong. That there would be another solution - any other solution.

I walked out of the doctor's appointment with a paper that said my surgery was scheduled for 7am on January 25th and that my first post-operative appointment was scheduled for 8:15am on January 31st.

No tears fell while in the doctor's office. Instead I made jokes and asked questions about rehabilitation, how soon I could return to work. The approach he is taking is, from what I can tell, more conservative. It is essentially the same surgery I had on my right knee nearly 10 years ago. There was another surgery, one that involved breaking bone and more rehabilitation, that he mentioned and I said no too.

But I'm terrified that once the surgery starts he will see the conservative approach won't work. He mentioned that it seems to have worked well with my right knee. And it has though I know that as I start physical therapy on my left knee I will also have to do the same with my right knee.

I mentioned losing weight to him and said I know that likely contributes to my knee problems. He said losing weight is good but that my weight is not the issue with my knees. I'm pre-disposed to have problems with my knees. It all comes down to my alignment being off.

There's comfort in knowing that it isn't my weight. That I am not the sole reason for this injury. But it's also frustrating to know I will likely have knee problems for the remainder of my life. And I'm only 27.

I cried once I was in the car. The walls came down and the reality settled in. I went into the appointment hopeful and left knowing what was facing me.

The timing of it all is so interesting. We're in the midst of change. We're also letting God lead us to a new church and different responsibilities. So it does not escape me that the timing of this need for surgery is happening in the midst of it all as a way to deter me from God's plan. But it won't work.

I said I would have faith in 2013. And I meant it. God is so much bigger than all of this. He knows what rests before me. He knows the trials we will face. And He knows what the outcome will be so I need to trust in Him and rest in Him.

There isn't a whole lot I can do to prepare for surgery. But I am committed to healthy eating. I allowed myself a bad meal last night of Chik-Fil-A and now there will be no more bad food. I will do my best while recovering from surgery as well. I do not want this to be the reason I fall back into my old ways of gain back the weight I've lost so far on Weight Watchers.

And I am committed to praying. To clinging to God through this time and to not worrying over the small details.

This is a setback. But it is also a setup.

It will setup my recommitment to strength. It will setup a desire to see this weight loss through this year. It will setup a story for me to tell. It will setup even more success to follow.

(title from "the moment i knew" by taylor swift)