you're gonna have to fight

Faced with surgery in less than two weeks, I know I have to stay positive. I'm not sure what will happen exactly when I'm under anesthesia because I don't know just how bad my knee is. So I also have no idea what to expect as far as recovery. I'm just hoping it will be a week or so off of work and then back to light duty.

I know reality might be different. And I'm prepared for that. I just don't want to focus on it.

It's not easy to think this way. It would be so much easier to feel defeated. To think about how all my hard work up to this point just doesn't matter. To determine that the surgery and recovery is going to be terrible.

I've felt that way some. Moments of doubt creep in, and I suddenly feel frozen. And then I pray. It all goes away.

At church on Sunday, I told my husband I wanted to be positive through this whole process. I want this surgery to be the time I got strength back in my legs and my knees. I don't want this surgery to be the time I gained back 10 pounds.

I tend to eat emotionally. And I've done that some since learning surgery was my only option. I allowed myself to be sad and upset. To grieve. And now it's time to watch what I eat, to be healthy, and to do whatever I can to make it through this surgery with some resemblance of a smile.

We all have choices in our lives, and our choices don't just impact us. They impact the other people around us.

My choice right now is to not be defeated. It is to be empowered.

My choice is to turn this difficult time into a positive time. It is a choice to remember that this is only a moment of my life and not my whole time.

Someone else will need surgery in the future. And they might not be able to be positive. And maybe, just maybe, my story will reach them and help them through.

I don't want to just write about knee surgery in the 11 days proceeding my surgery date, but it's what I am dealing with right now. And this blog has always been about whatever thoughts and situations I am working my way through. So I hope to share more over the next week and a half. And then after surgery we will just have to wait and see.

PS: Go mingle with Meg!

(title from "we both know" by gavin degraw & colbie caillat)

hold my head up high

picture found here.

Every day, I drive thirty minutes from my house to my office. The gym I typically attend is within walking distance of my office, which is why I am often able to spend my lunch breaks in the pool either swimming laps or participating in aqua zumba or deep water aerobics. It's a great asset to my current position, but on the weekends, it means I can't spend time at the gym because it is not worth the gas (or the time).

I struggle on the weekends. Both with eating and with activity. Especially right now when it is already 100 degrees outside at noon. I knew I needed a solution to the problem, and so, a few weeks ago, I began searching for a cheap (no more than $20 a month) gym membership.

After a lot of searching and a lot of discussion with my husband, I found a local gym that offers memberships for $10 a month. Following an 8-hour day of work, I took myself to the gym and signed the paperwork. Tomorrow will be my first day working at my second gym.

Work is also changing and getting busier. There are more meetings to attend, and for the next few months, several days a week will not allow a lunchtime workout. Add to that the fact that the meetings will occur five minutes from my house and not five minutes from my office, and it only made sense for me to find and agree to a second gym membership.

One of my favorite things about the gym that I signed up at is that it is directed to people just starting the work out routine and to those wanting to stay fit. There is an almost endless row of cardio machines and classes offered throughout the day that teach you how to use machines. I'm often so overwhelmed at the gym near my office as so many of the people are more in shape than I am.

It's silly to be insecure. I've talked to several people who have agreed that I have no reason to be insecure. A friend of mine even told me that seeing people who aren't fully fit at the gym inspires her. Her exact quote (thanks to my text message memory) was: "When I see someone at the gym who is overweight and working hard...I get really happy. It's so inspiring to me to see people going out there regardless of anything and just doing it."

I know she is right. And it makes me happy that I am getting out and exercising no matter what. But I still struggle with feeling comfortable on the machines and especially with free weights in hand. I hope that one day I will feel comfortable. That it won't always be back in the mind that I don't know what I am doing. And that I won't compare myself and my work out to everyone else around me.

But being in the gym this afternoon? I didn't feel like I would need to compare myself to others. There is an opportunity for personal training, and even at 5:45pm, plenty of machines were available for use.

I'm so close. Yes, there are still 79.6 pounds to lose, but I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I will make it. There is nothing standing in my way, especially now that I have the opportunity to attend two gyms.

I felt it at work today. Nothing specific occurred, but as I walked up a flight of stairs, I noticed that I wasn't short of breath and that my knees didn't crack or hurt with every step I took. And I felt lighter all day. Both physically and mentally and spiritually.

And I needed this. The weight loss. The lightness. A solution to the problem of not doing something active during the weekends. A second gym membership that will keep me from ever having any excuses to not exercise.

I always think about the big moments of this journey. A new dress bought. Before and after pictures. The possibility of a new wardrobe. But the small moments - like walking up the stairs - mean so much, if not more than, the big moments.

The big moments don't happen so often. But the small moments? Those can happen on a daily basis. And they do happen on a daily basis; I just have to be open and receptive to the small moments.

Starting the day, I should have known that something would happen - that something would click. Because the day started with an email that included a verse. The verse was Jeremiah 33:3 which says "Ask me and I will tell you remarkable secrets you do not know about things to come."

And I asked. Quietly. Almost afraid of hearing no response. But I asked. And He responded. With a small moment - a moment that reminded me that even if I don't think it, He is always present and always working.

A moment that reminded me that He will always keep His promises - even when I wonder.

(title from "think good thoughts" by colbie caillat)

feet back on the ground

picture found here.

Yesterday morning, I climbed into the backseat with my husband. My mother-in-law drove, and my father-in-law sat in the front seat. I had planned on taking the new car, but it is less roomy, so we settled on them driving and us riding.

Having just finished Something Blue the night before, I had a pile of four books with me (selected from this larger pile). After reading back covers and flipping through pages, I chose The First Husband. And during the two hour drive I finished over 60 pages.

We spent the better half of the afternoon with extended family. The time included all the good things that come from traveling to see family. Laughter. And stories. Conversation. Food lovingly prepared by hands that are just glad to have us there. And more laughter.

I knew the day wouldn't be the best for eating. I knew that. But still, when I finally sat down last night and calculated (to the best of my ability) what all I consumed both at lunch with family and then at dinner with friends, I felt like a failure.

I had almost doubled the amount of calories meant for the day. Without any resemblance of exercise - unless you count sitting in the backseat and reading a book while your husband naps exercise.

It was the day after my announcement, my pledge to lose one-hundred pounds. My decision to share with the world that I was going to do this, that I was ready.

I felt like such a failure. The thoughts of not eating at all today crept into my mind. So did thoughts of taking a long walk. Something. Anything.

But when I woke this morning, I felt like I needed to stay home. Spend time in bed. Sleep in for just a little. Finish my book. So I did.

And when I read the last page of the book I had just started the day before, I remembered that this journey is not about a quick arrival. It is not about how well I can do it. It is not about leaning on my own devices or trusting the things I think should work.

The journey is about continuing to move forward. It is standing back up when I fall down. It is about not giving up. It is about admitting my mistakes and then learning from those mistakes (instead of admitting them and then making them again and again). It is about letting go of all of the control and praying for direction.

This journey is about so much more than one hundred pounds.

Finishing the book today sparked a lot in me. More love for writing. A desire to tell my story and to always have a story to tell. The realization that whenever I stumble, God will provide something or someone to remind me that I am still moving forward and that not all hope is lost.

It happened last night in the form of a text message. I was just leaving a friends house and climbing back into my car. I checked my phone and saw the text message. It was exactly what I needed at that moment. A reminder from a friend that I could do this. That now was the time. And that there were people who would be there to help.

Because I don't know what I am doing. At all. Not with my writing and not with losing weight. All of this is new to me. I've done it all before, yes, but this time is so different. So God is providing me with people who do know what they are doing, people who will guide me and cheer me on.

This story is a part of something bigger. It is something God is bringing me to because of His story and how this part of my life with affect His bigger story. As scary as it is, it is also exciting.

So I start anew today. I won't hide from the amount I ate yesterday. I won't beat myself up for the choices I made. I won't keep myself too busy today. Instead, I will breathe and I will start over again. I will remember that this is the time, and I will continue on (and probably start book number three of the weekend).

(title from "breakin' at the cracks" by colbie caillat)