|picture found here.|
Most days I sit at the computer desk (or with my MacBook on my lap) and begin to type. The words flow somewhat effortlessly. And I somehow tie all my thoughts together. I often times wonder if the writing is concise enough. But I rarely edit; it has always been my least favorite thing about writing.
But the post I am writing now is different. It is one I have written multiple times. I began it three different ways, in my mind, during the 40 minute drive home from work. I also typed several sentences yesterday evening and then hit delete.
I'm still not sure what to say. I don't know how to describe the events of the past few days. I am also still processing the events to understand what they mean for my life now. I know they will also effect my life in the future, so there is also that to consider.
To be honest, it all started weeks (maybe months) ago. And then something happened this weekend. Or rather a lot of somethings happened. And I don't think things are done happening yet either. God is definitely up to something right now.
I've wrestled with the idea of God caring so much about my life for quite awhile. My faith that He is real has not wavered. But how He fits into my life has.
I wonder what He wants to do with me. I also wonder if He truly listens to what I have to say. I question His purpose and plan for my life, and to take it one step further, I ask if He has a specific purpose for my life. There's a part of me that has felt that I wasn't good enough for Him to rest His hand upon - at least not in the way He has other people.
I longed for a deep relationship with Him. Following moments of silence and of darkness, He responded and reminded me that He was there. And still I wondered. I know my questions were frustrating to some of those around me and specifically to my husband. Because they weren't just questions. They were inner-monologues and then tears and lots of anger.
There were several weeks when he wasn't sure what to do. And I didn't know what he needed to do. Or what I needed to do. But I knew I needed something.
Sometime last week, my husband grew tired of it all. And he made a phone call that I couldn't bring myself to make. It was a phone call I gave him permission to make. It was also a phone call I had all but begged him to make at different points in this whole mess of questioning and wondering. Within twenty-four hours of his phone call, I received a phone call from someone we attend church with. I had never met her before, but there was a connection.
We agreed to meet for coffee and cupcakes on Saturday. The weather was forecast to be beautiful earlier in the week, but by the time Saturday arrived, the temperatures had dipped back into the 50s. The local establishment that I expected to be close to empty was full with a line almost out of the door. And yet somehow we got a table.
I didn't really think much of it. It was luck. Except there is no real such thing as luck. Not when God is involved and not when He is on the move.
What happened that afternoon is both clear in my mind and fuzzy. Our conversation was simple and introductory. We talked about faith and life, and then friends of hers were getting ready to leave when one stopped and told me words from the Lord. It was similar to this moment and then completely different. At that time, I was in a larger gathering and with close friends. I was taken off guard and not sure what to think. This time I was in a smaller setting and with people I was just starting to get to know. And yet the same thing was accomplished. God spoke right to my heart.
Words like "love" and "Holy Spirit." Words like "justice" and "mothering" and "dreams." He told me that God knew the plans He had for me and that they were good. I was told that the promises God had made me were still true.
And I could feel Him. I could feel Him whispering to me, and then the whispers turned into a louder voice. He was speaking to me through someone I didn't know. The issues of my heart were being answered, and I was being reminded of the truth I had lost. That I was loved and that I was good enough and that He wanted a real relationship with me.
I'm still considering it all. I am still asking questions and praying through it. I continue to seek His counsel and to pray that I will go in the directions He leads me. And I also still have no idea where He is sending me.
But I know that He has plans for me. He has plans for all of us. And His plans are good. Infinitely better than anything I could imagine. And these plans will come together for my good and for your good. He loves us too much for them not to.
Is there more? Yes. But I'm not yet ready to share. I'll hold those thoughts close and consider them over a few more cups of coffee.
(title from "i love you forever" by jewel)