my breath fast and short and my heart burning deep

picture found here.

I began this blog with the intention of being honest. I wanted to place my thoughts and my worries into a place and watch how God would transform them and ultimately transform my life. I had every intention of writing on a nearly daily basis, and I had the hope that as the days went by it would become easier to find beautiful tales to tell. I also hoped that as the days went by I would find it easier to focus on the important things like faith and family and love.

Instead, I have gone weeks without writing. Instead, I have retreated into myself and decided that maybe honesty is not the answer. I have wondered if spilling secrets is worth the risk and the potential heartbreak. I've prayed for guidance and asked for clarity. I've spent time curled in bed with tears streaming down my face as I wonder what God has in store.

And recently, I've spent a majority of my time (and money) visiting doctors and having a ultrasound. I have a CT Scan scheduled for the morning. All in the hopes of possibly discovering why I've been in pain and fighting nausea nearly every day for the past few weeks.

It hasn't been a pretty sight. And I'm not exactly sure when it will turn back into a pretty sight.

Tonight I planned to cook dinner and enjoy time with just my husband. Instead, I cooked dinner and cried the entire time. My emotions are all over the place, and I am past my breaking point at this time. so much has piled up, and I truly do not know how to trust that God is working and not focus on the circumstances.

Then, one our dogs escaped our backyard again. He has an annoying and embarrassing habit of climbing/jumping over one particular area of the fence. We fixed it twice before this evening, and after he jumped the fence as dinner was being prepared, we took a few large branches and rested them against the fence. It's not a permanent fix, but we're not in a financial place that will allow us to construct a whole new fence.

By themselves, the things we are face seem simple enough. But when combined, it's all I can do to make it through the day some days.

I am blessed enough to have a husband who loves me and comforts me when I am at my worst. I am also blessed enough to have a husband who is willing to work a full-time job along with a part-time job. I am also blessed enough to have a full-time position of my own. I want these things to be enough. And maybe they are; maybe I just can't see them.

It's a constant battle to remain positive. It's a constant battle to keep from exploding in negativity, and recently, I am losing the battle. I'm seeing more and more that I alone am not strong enough, and I am leaning on God to provide me the strength. I have such a hard time trusting Him to provide and believing that His promises will hold true to my life. And while I shouldn't, I find myself jealous of others who He is blessing. I find myself comparing myself to others and wondering when I will finally be at a point in which it feels like He is at work.

There are glimpses. I find myself hearing the promise that He is near and that He is in control. But it's only for a short while that I am able to hold onto that promise and not let the ways of the world strike at me.

We all face our own battles. We all respond differently to the hardships and frustrations of life. And we all have our own breaking points. While I wish my breaking point were not sometimes so easily reached, it is.

My prayer is for His provision. I am not sure what that will mean, but I do know that my husband and I are praying for something tangible to occur. We are in such a place of unknowing, and it's getting so much harder to push through. Especially for me.

And that is my honesty. It's dirty and raw and filled with tears. There is no pretty package or promise of renewal. There's the possibility that things will improve tomorrow and then disintegrate on Thursday. Nothing is certain now. And in these uncertain times, I'm doing my best to hold onto the one things that promises to never fail, and that is faith. My hands and fingers slip at times due to the worlds calling and beckoning, but I am holding on as tightly as I can and praying that God will hold on to me as well.

(title from "hookers and robbers" by charlie hall)