i build myself up and fly around in circles

picture found here.

I heard back from my doctor's office late yesterday afternoon. The first thing they told me was that no tumors or masses were seen in my CT Scan. I let out a sigh of relief. I hadn't truly thought about the possibility of tumors or cancer or anything of the sort. I knew it was always a distant possibility, but I didn't entertain it. What a relief to know that I would not have to wonder any longer.

The next thing they said was that my liver was enlarged. They aren't sure what is causing the enlargement. It could be a variety of things from diet to not enough exercise to some sort of disease. I'll be referred to yet another specialist and have yet another co-pay. But at least I know something is off.

I don't want to be sick. I dislike doctors. Needles and I also do not get along; I blame my veins which like to hide and move when being poked and prodded.

But still. I haven't felt well in close to three months. And I want to know why. I want to know what I can do to better myself, and one of my biggest fears was that I would be told that, according to bloodwork and ultrasounds and CT Scans, nothing was wrong.

So I am moving towards physical recovery.

As far as everything else, I'm doing my best to let go. It's a long process and a difficult one. I do not do well when I am not in control. I do not like it when nothing seems to go according to plan. And sometimes (maybe a lot of the time) I lose it. My sense of security and my hold on my emotions. It all disappears.

So now, I am trying to not hold so tightly. I've talked about letting go so much, and so often, I think I have let go. Only to find that something else goes off track which causes me to again want and crave that control. But I am not in control. I have to remember that. As difficult as it is.

My hope for this weekend is to relax and find some sort of balance. My house is clean (other than laundry) compliments of my husband. I have no plans with friends, and I am looking forward to some solitude while my husband attends a bachelor party on Saturday. I am hoping to plant my feet firmly back in God and remind myself that I will keep moving forward even if it feels like I am only moving backward.

(title from "chasing pavements" by adele)