standing in front of me

At 10:30am today, I have an appointment scheduled with my orthopedic surgeon. Had you asked me on Sunday how I felt about the appointment, I would have said excited and hopeful. But after physical therapy on Monday morning, I'm not so sure.

I knew, going into the knee surgery, that I would need to be committed to physical therapy. I was hopeful and optimistic and sure of my desire to heal and my strength. I'm still committed, hopeful and optimistic, but I'm learning that my strength is not where I thought it was.

Granted, the surgeon changed the muscles in my left leg. So I know it's going to take time to heal and time to regain my strength. It's just taking more time than I ever expected. I think it's also taking more time than my physical therapist thought it would. At least that's what I took away from therapy yesterday.

They tested my strength of my quadricep contractions. On the first day of physical therapy, I was at a 5 on a scale of about 1-1000. Yesterday, I was only at an 11. Yes, it's twice as strong, but I still have a long ways to go. There are things I am able to do now that were nearly impossible the first day of physical therapy. I can use my own strength to lift my left leg up off the table (or couch) and into the air. It's not as easy as I would like it to be, and it still hurts more than I want it to. But I can still do it.

I'm also able to bend my knee a little bit more every day. On my own, I was able to bend it to 72 degrees. The therapist can bend it a little more - which makes me cry as I did yesterday. As much as therapy has hurt, I've never cried until I was forced to let me leg hang over the end of the therapy table bent. That was bad enough until my therapist started pushing on my leg so that it bounced.

He asked me during therapy if I felt like I couldn't do things mentally or physically. I said physically. And I do think a lot of it is physically. It hurts so much when I do certain things.

But there is also a lot of fear. A lot of fear.

He told me I wasn't going to tear anything. That I was going to be okay. I have to remind myself of that at all times. And it's going to hurt. Everything I do right now is going to hurt. That's what happens when you have major knee surgery and then start physical therapy. There might be good pain and bad pain. But it's hard to know right now because the pain is just always hanging around.

Now I just need to figure out why I am blocked mentally. Because there is a block. I didn't think there was yesterday - or I didn't want to admit that there was one. But there is.

I realized it late in the day yesterday when I looked in the mirror. And I saw the weight gain. I saw all the bad foods I've eaten instead of good and healthy foods. It's not just how I've eaten while recovering from surgery, but it's how I've eaten for the last several months. It's why I have gained, lost, gained again, and lost again the same 5-10 pounds.

So I have to figure out this block. I have to stop it from creeping into my thoughts. I have to stop it from  self-sabotaging myself into weight gains and healing slower. I know I'll be stronger at some point. And I know I'll lose the weight at some point. The question is when will that some point be. Is it going to be in just a few months? Or is it going to take me another few years?

The honest answer is I don't know. Because I don't know what the block is. But I do know I am going to figure it out. I just wish I had Jillian Michaels to talk to me and help me figure it out.

(title from "a thousand years" by christina perri)

i'll be ready

I miss losing weight. I miss sweating. I miss feeling accomplished when I step on the scale.

But I haven't missed it enough to eat for fuel.

My first week following surgery I ate well. My mom was here and cooked healthy dinners every night. She made sure I had a balanced breakfast and a lunch filled with lean meats and lots of vegetables. Left to my own devices, I've chosen to eat food for comfort.

I'm frustrated with myself, with my recovery, and with my waning motivation. Going into the knee surgery, I thought I had a great outlook. I was committed to eating well, to tracking my points daily, and to not letting myself go. But the longer I spend at home, the harder it is to be healthy.

It would be easy to declare that I will no longer do that. To vow to the Internet and myself that I am starting over today. But I'm not sure those declarations and vows would be honest.

April 27, 2013 will mark two years of slowly losing weight. Two years of striving for one-derland. Two years of trying but never pushing myself over the years. Two years of getting so close and then sliding back into my old ways. Two years of making excuses.

I know I won't be at my goal weight when my two year anniversary happens. I'm not sure I'll even be in one-derland on the day of my two year anniversary. What I do know is that I can't keep teetering for another two years. It's time for me to understand why I eat for comfort when I know the negative impact it has on my body, my weight, and my spirit.

Over the next week, along with sticking to a writing schedule, I'm going to seek out healthy foods instead of turning to comfort foods. I'm going to focus on eating for fuel instead of comfort. I'm going to drink more water. And I'm going to remain positive.

And I'm not going to focus on the weight this week. I'll still do Weight Loss Wednesday, but I won't actually be weighing in. The fact is that I have no idea what I weight right now. Between being swollen and having a heavy brace on, it's impossible to know what my actual weight is. And I think not worrying about weight, and instead worrying about me, will be a wonderful break for me.

It's going to be time for me to start working out again soon. Not in the conventional way of course but in a way that helps me to utilize my upper body and get stronger. I just can't do that until I'm mentally ready.

And after this week, I will be ready.

you're gonna have to fight

Faced with surgery in less than two weeks, I know I have to stay positive. I'm not sure what will happen exactly when I'm under anesthesia because I don't know just how bad my knee is. So I also have no idea what to expect as far as recovery. I'm just hoping it will be a week or so off of work and then back to light duty.

I know reality might be different. And I'm prepared for that. I just don't want to focus on it.

It's not easy to think this way. It would be so much easier to feel defeated. To think about how all my hard work up to this point just doesn't matter. To determine that the surgery and recovery is going to be terrible.

I've felt that way some. Moments of doubt creep in, and I suddenly feel frozen. And then I pray. It all goes away.

At church on Sunday, I told my husband I wanted to be positive through this whole process. I want this surgery to be the time I got strength back in my legs and my knees. I don't want this surgery to be the time I gained back 10 pounds.

I tend to eat emotionally. And I've done that some since learning surgery was my only option. I allowed myself to be sad and upset. To grieve. And now it's time to watch what I eat, to be healthy, and to do whatever I can to make it through this surgery with some resemblance of a smile.

We all have choices in our lives, and our choices don't just impact us. They impact the other people around us.

My choice right now is to not be defeated. It is to be empowered.

My choice is to turn this difficult time into a positive time. It is a choice to remember that this is only a moment of my life and not my whole time.

Someone else will need surgery in the future. And they might not be able to be positive. And maybe, just maybe, my story will reach them and help them through.

I don't want to just write about knee surgery in the 11 days proceeding my surgery date, but it's what I am dealing with right now. And this blog has always been about whatever thoughts and situations I am working my way through. So I hope to share more over the next week and a half. And then after surgery we will just have to wait and see.

PS: Go mingle with Meg!

(title from "we both know" by gavin degraw & colbie caillat)

we can shatter just as fast

It's nearly 3:30pm and I am snuggled up on the couch, watching last night's episode of The Biggest Loser. I have every intention of staying on the couch for the remainder of the afternoon and evening.

When I first took the rest of the day off, I did it for fun. Now that I'm home and done with my MRI, I know I am home to recover.

The MRI itself wasn't the problem or the hard part. It was the part that came before when they stuck a needle in my knee and filled my knee up with contrast. Hello swelling and pain! It feels like I did when I first hurt my knee back in December.

Driving home, I started thinking about my knees. I've already had surgery on my left knee and on my right knee. I tend to favor my knees a lot out of fear of getting hurt. And now I am favoring my left knee even more.

I'm hopeful that the report will be a good one. I'll find out for sure on Thursday when I go into see the orthopedic surgeon. But if it's not, I will be okay.

While I was being prepped for the MRI, I spoke with the X-Ray technician about weight loss, osteoarthritis, and my jobs. She mentioned that she had a sister who had always struggled with her weight and lost 60 pounds. Then, her sister tore her ACL while playing indoor soccer and gainer all of her weight back.

I couldn't help but think... what if that is me? On the drive home, I decided it wouldn't be me.

I have no idea what's really wrong with my knee. I have spent plenty of time on Google and WebMD to have an idea of what might be wrong. But until I hear it from a doctor, I won't know.

What I do know is that I won't gain weight back if I'm bedridden because of my knee. What I do know is that I'm going to stick to the Weight Watchers plan and watch what I eat. And then, when it's time, I'll spend time working out.

I also know I will probably never be a runner. And I'm sad about that. But it's not the end of the world or the end of my weight loss and healthy living journey.

I can find other activities to do and to enjoy. Maybe I'll finally learn how to ride a bike and spend more time biking - and not just biking in the gym. I can also swim more. And row. And walk. And do a million other things outside of run.

I also know that I will not let my knee steal my joy. It would be easy to be angry and frustrated and feel like the world is out to get me. I refuse to stop my life simply because I am hurt. I refuse to let this define my life. Instead, I am going to look at this as an opportunity.

If I have to have surgery and stay home, then I will spend time writing and blogging. I will blog more about being healthy when injured. I will continue to inspire and be inspired. I will press into God even more and trust in Him.

Nothing is going to stop me from making 2013 a wonderful year. Nothing.

Don't let anything stop you from making 2013 a wonderful year.

PS: Go mingle with Meg!

(title from "be somebody" by thousand foot krutch)

it is my fault my own mistake

I’ve been doing a lot of research lately. About knee injuries and plantar fasciitis to be exact. I want to know what causes patella’s to dislocate. I want to know why my heel hurts so much in the mornings. I want to know what I can do to stop further damage by osteoarthritis.

Some of the information I’ve found has been expected. Other information… the majority of the information… has been exactly what I did not want to find.

what i struggle with includes cirrhosis, gallbladder disease, osteoarthritis

Obesity has been a cause for everything I am struggling with right now. Obesity can lead to plantar fasciitis and to ortheoarthritis in the knees. It’s also the reason I was sick for so long with issues of the liver.

I shouldn’t have to struggle with this many health issues at 27. No one should. But I made choices that led to gaining too much weight, and that weight has led to all these health issues.

You would think knowing what I do about health issues would make it easier to stick to a healthy living plan and to lose the weight once and for all. But obesity is so much more than pounds needing to be lost. It’s a change in mind set and a change in how to deal with everyday life and stress.

The past few weeks, and the mountains of research, have forced myself to take a good hard look at myself. When you’re dealing with a knee injury that won’t allow you to walk up the stairs normally or climb into your tall bed without the help of a step stool, it’s impossible not to look at your life and how you’re living it.

It’s been hard to really come to grips with the fact that I am the reason for all these injuries. Yes, I was born with bad knees as evidenced by the knee surgery I had in junior high, but I could have prevented future injuries by treating myself and my body right. By making better choices instead of making bad choices that led to piling on the pounds.

I want to blame all these injuries and sicknesses on genetics. But my genes are good. No one in my family has any of the illnesses or injuries I do. If I can't blame genetics, I want to blame bad luck; I did that for quite some time but when the injuries and sickness continue, it gets harder and harder to blame just bad luck.

Sitting and wallowing in a hurt knee, unhealthy liver levels, and a painful heel won't do anything for me but keep me from moving on. Pretending like the injuries and illnesses are no big deal also will only keep me from moving on. I have to face the truth and see, truly see, what I have done to myself so that I can move on.

By turning to food and eating more than I needed, I've caused unneccesary stress and harm to my body. I've kept myself from being physically fit. And I've discouraged myself from dealing with the stresses of life. I've allowed myself to remain the "fat friend" and have never let myself truly discover who I am. I've also kept friends, family and my husband at arm's length.

I don't want that anymore. I want true, honest and meaningful relationships. I want to allow myself to discover who I really am and to see myself as more than a number of the scale or an image in the mirror. I've wanted those things before, but I've never looked at all the negative reprecussions obesity caused.

So how do I move forward? Slowly.

I've done this a lot in the past. Weight loss is so often a journey of two steps forward and one step back. Maybe it's more like one step forward and two steps back. No matter what, I move forward - slowly.

Here are my current slow steps:

1. I am going to allow myself time to heal. I will not beat myself up for the injuries and sickness. Beating myself up will only make me want to turn back to food. Instead I am viewing this as an opportunity to become the strongest I can possibly be.
2. I am going to honestly track what I eat and stay under my calorie goals. I might even attemp Weight Watchers. Paying for the meetings and for the online membership scares me, but I know the program works. I joined once in high school and lost a good amount of weight.
3. I am going to forever break up with diet sodas. I did this following my appointment with the orthopedic surgeon and the discovery of a bone spur on my patella (as well as my husband's sweet, not so subtle urging). They are bad for me. Both because they make me want to eat more and because of how they eat away bone.
4. I am going to find a work out I love and do it regularly. I might have to build up working out slowly again. But I will do it.
5. I am going to bring snacks to work and eat breakfast every single morning. My snacks are going to include fresh fruit and other healthy foods.
6. I am going to make myself a priority and love myself - struggles and all.

And I am going to continue to blog. Blogging helps so much. It's easier to stay on track when I'm documenting my thoughts, my struggles, and my successes. Some of my posts may be repetitive since I struggle with the same stumbling blocks over and over. And it might not be the most inspirational weight loss site. But it will be a space all my own - a reminder of how far I have come and also how far I have to go.

(title from "learn me right" by mumford and sons)

 

a brighter day is coming my way

Today is Wednesday. It should be another Weight Loss Wednesday, but it's been 13 days since I've updated. And I feel like I owe an explanation of sorts.

We closed on our house the very last day of November and then moved the next day - the first day of December. It took us two weeks to have internet installed so my updates were sparse and short at best. I was excited for the date on which internet would be installed because then I could return to the world of blogging. I had hopes that we would be settled and fully unpacked in our house by that time as well.

We were close. There was still the garage to tackle and more boxes to unpack than I wanted to admit. But we were getting there. And we'd have the entire weekend to work together on unpacking and organizing our house.

And then I had an accident. I was at the Oklahoma City Thunder game on December 14th. It was a wonderful opportunity - one provided by the Thunder who donated several tickets to children in foster care. I had the chance to take one of my girls to the game. Everything was going well until I tackled the stairs.

It was the middle of the first quarter, and we were going to get food from one of the vendors. Three-quarters of the way down the steep, steep stairs, the patella in my left knee dislocated and I fell straight down, landing on the edge of a cement stair. My patella went back in as quickly as it moved out of place, and I forced myself off the stairs.

I'm not a stranger to dislocation of my patella. It's something that has happened for years on end, but this time, it felt different. My knee was weaker than normal, and it hurt more than normal.

I stayed for the entire game. I wanted to leave. Being at the game should have been enjoyable but instead I worried and prayed the entire time. Something felt different. Really different. And it most certainly was not a good different. I convinced myself that I tore my ACL. There's still a part of me that worries that is what happened although the doctors I've seen have said they don't think that's what I did.

No matter my fears, I had to stay. I was at the game for the kids, and I stayed at the game for the kids. After the game, I carefully made my way down the stairs and then walked the almost mile to my car. I kept the tears at bay until I dropped my kids off and then completely lost it when I called my husband to tell him I was on my way to the Emergency Room.

By the time I made it to the ER, I could barely walk or talk. Tears gripped my throat and flowed down my cheeks. I was lucky that the ER saw me within 15 minutes. The X-Ray didn't show any breaks and a preliminary test showed that I had likely just sprained (badly sprained) my knee. I was sent home with  a prescription for pain killers and instructions to rest and ice my knee.

My husband did a wonderful job of taking care of me for the weekend. I spent most of my time over the weekend walking with crutches when I wasn't spread out on the couch. By the end of the day Sunday, I was able to hobble without the crutches, and I made it to work on Monday. My dogs also did a wonderful job of resting with me, cuddling with me, and loving on me. They're still on duty now - curled up at my feet and helping me blog.

The past few weeks haven't been the best for diet or exercise. It started because I was busy and lazy with food choices. Then it turned into a need to rest my knee. Now I think it's just excuses. And I need to start over (yet again).

At church on Sunday, someone asked me if I was focusing on just upper body now for work outs. Or if I were swimming instead. I stood there and stumbled over my response. Because I let the injury be the reason for my lack of exercise and weight loss instead of finding a solution.

I don't want to let every difficulty send me off track. I want to take whatever life throws at me and turn it around instead of letting it turn me around.

I did that some with Christmas. I didn't let the things that could have easily stolen my joy do that. Instead I held tight to the reason for the season and enjoyed the holidays even though they didn't go according to plan.

Now it's time to do just that with weight loss.

I refuse to let my injury (MRI pending for January with a real diagnosis of what I did) stop me. Instead I am going to learn from it. And what have I learned from it so far? That's something I will have to wait and share.

(title from "tomorrow will be kinder" by the secret sisters)

weight loss wednesday (week 11)

Today’s Weight: 220 lbs.

To be honest, I'm surprised there wasn't a gain from this past week. Between no time at the gym and not eating amazing, I thought there might be. I am always feeling quite bloated today. So I will take my weight staying the same!

Total Loss: 45 lbs.


What I craved this week: I really wanted pizza, but I didn't eat any. I also wanted pasta of any kind. I only gave in a tiny bit when I ate a single serving of velveeta shells and cheese. I also have started craving (and drinking) coffee again. It hasn't been an every day occurrence but it has happened more than it should have; I blame Starbucks and their wonderful holiday drinks - like gingerbread lattes.

I did have one healthy craving. And that was for a salad. I gave into the craving on Tuesday night and enjoyed Jason's Deli's salad bar along with a bowl of tomato basil soup. It was delicious, and I didn't feel guilty for eating over my calories that day since I enjoyed so many good veggies and lots of protein.

What I noticed was different about my body: On Tuesday night, I walked from the gym to Jason's Deli. They are within 2 minutes of one another and driving my car to such a close place made no sense. While walking, I glanced in the window, and I almost looked thin. Looking at myself head on in the mirror, I feel like I am thinner, but I do not feel the same way when I look at my profile. It seems to me that my profile does not slim down at all. Seeing the reflection was a welcome change.

My face is also thinner. I feel like I have a neck now and not just a big double chin. I can feel my collar bones. The band for my Body Media Fit needs to be tightened which means my arms really are slimming down.

Workouts planned for this week: I completed a total of two work outs over the past week - Monday and Tuesday. I would like to make it to the gym at least five times over the next week. I plan on attending spin class on Friday morning, and I have a session scheduled with the trainer for Saturday morning.  I plan on running a total of 10 miles on the elliptical over the next seven days as well.

Personal Goal(s) for this week: I didn't complete any of my goals from last week, so a lot of them are the same for this upcoming week. My goals include: continuing to track what I eat, limit sweets, complete 20 minutes of vigorous activity twice over the next week, and have three days with a 1200 calorie deficit. I am also hoping to lower the number of calories I eat on at least two days from 1713 to 1513.

Favorite Quote(s) for this week:

What I'm looking forward to: I am focused on what I am eating -- instead of just how much. I have noticed that I eat foods that are high in carbohydrates and high in fat. I need to eat more fruits and vegetables, so I plan to focus on eating lots of those and less on exactly how many calories I consume in one day. I am looking forward to this because I think eating more fruits and vegetables will make a huge difference in how I feel during the day.

I'm excited to finally work out with a trainer again this Saturday. I plan to soak everything up so I can use it in future work outs. I am also excited to feel the burn and be sore following that work out. I truly miss being sore; that's how I know I really worked hard.

it gets hard to take

Setbacks are inevitable. They're a part of life - both in the large sense and in the smaller, daily sense. I've been struggling with one specific setback recently. It's both large and small. Large because it impacts my life, and small because it has to do with every day life.

I've alluded to it in a few posts, but I haven't claimed it as a setback. Because I honestly wanted to be done with setbacks. I wanted this particular matter to disappear.

Right now, I'm determined to get rid of all this weight. I'm determined to be healthy and fit and happy. And I want nothing else to stand in my way. I've let too many other things deter me from my goal. And I refuse to be deterred again.

But there's something that's pushed me back. It's an almost unbearable pain in my right heel. The worst is in the morning when I first get out of bed. I have to hold onto the wall and limp my way through the house for a few minutes before being able to walk upright.

I haven't been to the doctor, but I've searched the internet and found the same diagnosis every single time: plantar fasciitis. Also known as a bruised heel. All the research I've found has shown me that two things cause it the most - running and shoes with poor support.

Technically, I'm more of a walker than a runner, but I like to consider myself a runner as I want to one day spend my time training for 10Ks and half-marathons. What I am doesn't really matter at this point. What matters is this almost unbearable pain in my heel that's preventing me from getting any closer to becoming a runner.

When the pain first started, it went away almost immediately once I was up and moving around. So I didn't think much of it. There was even a time when the pain went away. But now that it's as bad as it is, I'm seeing the importance (yet again) of taking care of myself.

It's a setback. This pain. It's not the end of the world or of my journey. It's just a setback. A setback in life and in running.

Running and I aren't exactly on the best of terms right now. While I want to run, I know it's physically not the best choice. So I stick with the elliptical. Even that is a little more tough than I would like to admit right now.

While I'm healing, I know it will be that much more important to watch my diet and to find other ways of exercising that are minimally weight baring. The research I've found says rest is important as is staying off the foot. My life is a bit too busy for that, so it's not really possible for me to just rest and stay off it.

So I have a choice. It's a choice of how and if to make myself a priority. It's a choice that will dictate how I go about the remainder of my journey. I can give up and decide I'll never be a runner or fit. I can think I did too much damage to my body - what with my bad knees, my bad ankle, and now this plantar fasciitis.

Or I can ice my foot. And take anti-inflammatories. And stretch out my foot muscles and leg muscles. The foam roller and I can become best friends (in the worst way possible) again. And I can pray. And I can believe in myself and make a promise to myself that I'm going to correct all these health issues to the biggest capacity possible.

I could see the big picture and wonder how it will all come together. Or I can take it one day at a time.

I can see this pain as the end. Or I can see it as a setback and only a setback. I didn't want to have any setbacks, but a setback is better than a "I give up." A setback is short-term. It's something I will one day overcome. It's something that will make me stronger in the end.

So I choose to make myself a priority. I choose to ice my foot and stretch it out. I choose to make healthy choices for food. I choose to see it as a small setback and to carry on.

(title from "born and raised" by john mayer)

weight loss wednesday (week 1)

I'm starting over - again.

I feel that's all I ever do. It's been well over a year since I began this journey, and I've still only lost about 40 pounds. I'm so ready to be able to say I am halfway to my goal and down a whole 50 pounds. But I know I have to do the work to win the prize of 50 pounds lost.

Earlier today, I logged back into My Fitness Pal for the first time in months and logged my breakfast, AM snack, and lunch. There's a going away party tonight at the group home, so I know there won't be as many healthy option as I would like. But it is time to stop making excuses about why I can't eat healthy (re: free food) and stop saying no to the ice cream.

So much of my lack of self-control has had to do with the uncertainty and change that currently define my life. We're living with my in-laws, building a brand new house, and still waiting for our old house to close. I'm working two jobs and trying to fit in exercise when I can. Add the fact that I feel a little (okay a LOT) a bit uncertain about my future and feel very out of place in a world where all my friends from high school on are starting families and also out of place because I have no desire to be pregnant ever but instead want to foster/adopt and it all turns into a disaster of eating.

And do I mean eating, Mazzio's pizza buffet has been a constant over the past two weeks. I feel awful after I eat there but turn to it as soon as I feel like my day is too much to handle.

On the other side, I want to eat out every single meal when I'm with my husband. Because it's fun and a great date night. And really who wants a salad when you could have something else?
I can't do these things anymore. I can't turn to food for comfort or fun. I need to see it as fuel. I watch what kind of gas I put in my car, so I need to definitely watch what kind of food I put into my body.

One of the girls I knew in college is also in the midst of a weight loss journey. She’s down 50 pounds, ran 8 miles earlier in the week, and looks incredible. I want to be where she is, but I know I have to do the work she does.

So I’m stealing a post from her and using it for my own benefit. She calls it Healthy Train Tuesday; I’m going to call it Weight Loss Wednesday.

Today’s Weight: 225 (it’s finally time for me to look at that number on the scale and admit it to the world so I no longer let it define me.)

Total Loss: 40 pounds.

What I craved this week: So far I’ve craved pizza (and haven’t eaten it!), popcorn (which I ate a lot of Monday night), diet coke, a hamburger (which I haven’t and WON’T eat), and frozen yogurt (which I ate on Tuesday).

What I noticed was different about my body: I feel better. My liver enzymes are finally back to normal and will STAY that way. No more elevated enzymes or englarged liver for this girl!

Workouts planned for this week: I’m working out with the trainer tonight. And then I’m going to force myself to go to the gym tomorrow morning and Friday morning. Saturday morning I am doing a 3 mile walk around the zoo to raise awareness for suicide prevention.

Personal Goal(s) for this week: Track everything I eat. Limit the amount of carbohydrates I eat. Sweat a whole lot while working out. Drink more water that diet coke. Pray a LOT about EVERYTHING. Stick to it. I have given up so much in my life (weight loss, relationships) when things get tough and I need to prove to myself that I can (and WILL) follow through.

Favorite Quote for this week: You have entered a season of change where old things are ending before new doors will open. These changes will take place on a variety of levels and will produce a sense of discomfort. You might even experience some level of anxiety. But, at the very least you will have that out-of-pocket feeling. Do not overreact to your feelings. This is a period of temporary adjustments along the way, for I am positioning you for greater liberty of body, soul and spirit, says the Lord. Don't be afraid. --Marsha Burns

What I'm looking forward to: No longer being afraid. Believing in myself and rebuilding my confidence. Not giving up with any aspects of my life - no matter how hard it is to stick with it and hang in there.

this is not where it ends

Time. It's one of those things that there is either not enough of or too much of. For the past three months, there hasn't been enough of it.  At least there hasn't been enough of it during the moments I want it most.

I spent my time last weekend with my best friend. I bid farewell to OKC a bit before 3:00pm and arrived at our hotel a little after 6:30pm. I enjoyed the solitude of the hotel room and then the solitude of the hotel gym. She arrived close to 10:00pm, and we immediately jumped into quality time - starting with an amazing bottle of wine and a delicious cheeseburger.

A little over 36 hours together, and we fit in nearly 48 hours worth of talking, shopping, and laughing. It wasn't nearly enough, but it was what we had so we enjoyed it as much as we could.

This morning my alarm went off at 7:37am, and after cleaning the kitchen a little, I settled outside on the porch and watched our dogs chase squirrels. I can't remember the last time I took the time I had and just sat, outside with the dogs. My mind wandered as it often does, and I prayed about all the worries that seem to creep into the moments of silence and free time.

Generally, we go to church at 9:00am, but I just can't pull myself together enough to shower, fix my hair, and get dressed. I need more time to sit, more time to pray, more time to just simply be. So I am taking that time right now.

It's funny, though, because six months ago I had a lot of time and I spent most of it doing nothing. I would sit on the couch, catch up on my favorite TV shows, and procrastinate on productivity. I thought about writing and considered my novel, but I very rarely opened up my MacBook with the intention of putting thoughts and consideration to the page.

Now that I'm so stretched for time, I would give anything to have that free time. To know where writing fit in. To keep my house clean. To cook dinner on a nightly basis. To do all those things I used to do (some of the time) but often took for granted.

Yet I know having all the free time in the world wouldn't amount to much. I'd still need to make the decision, every hour and every minute, on how I would spend that time. And I know that I would quickly fall into the trap of wasting the time away on the couch.

It's important to take a few minutes, and sometimes hours, to simply relax and not rush. I need those moments for my own sanity. But as a way of life, it's not the best.

So now I am busy. Working 60-70 hours a week. Doing my best to squeeze in four or five workouts a week. Spending time with my husband and our friends and my two dogs on the weekend. Breathing on Saturdays and Sundays, napping if I am lucky, and getting ready to do it all over again.

Being so busy I am more aware of my time and how I spend it. I'm still seeking the balance of resting and remaining focused. I'm still learning how my body reacts to sleep and lack of sleep. I'm discovering that certain things, like work-outs, need to be done first thing in the morning no matter how exhausted I feel. Because that work-out will rejuvenate me and fuel the rest of my day.

I miss writing the most. Putting my thoughts out there for the Internet to read. I miss my novel, too. I have so many vivid moments in mind for that story, and the story calls to me most every day. I miss working out twice a day. I love the feeling of sweat pooling at my temples. I love how out of breath I get when I run and then how accomplished I feel when I look down and see I burned an average of 10 calories a minute.

I could sit here and say I don't have enough time to do any of those things. That I am too busy and there are simply not enough hours in the day. It certainly feels that way most days. But truly, I do have the time. I simply need to make the choice on how to spend the time and remain committed to it.

So that's where I am right now. Needing to make the commitment and then needing to stick to it. Making the commitment is the easy part. Sticking with it is a different story.

Here is my commitment. I'm going to use MyFitnessPal daily. I'm going to make the right choices for food. I'm going to get up in the mornings and make it to the gym. And I'm going to report on all of it daily here.

I want to tell that story. Or continue to tell it really. I want this space to reflect where I am right now at almost 40 pounds lost and another 60 or so to go. I want to stop making excuses and start making choices.

I want to take the time I have and know that it is more than enough.

(title from "see you again" by carrie underwood)

sometimes you just need a little faith

My alarm went off at 4:02am on Monday morning, and I stumbled out of bed. My husband is required to be at work by 5am every day, so we get up in the morning together and I help him by making his coffee and putting his lunch together. Normally, I fall back into bed within 15 minutes and am back asleep within another 15 minutes.

Monday was different. Monday was the first day on phase one for the South Beach Diet. Monday was the first day of restarting my journey towards health.

After he left for work, I turned the oven on and set a pack of chicken breasts under a stream of water. My biggest struggle is planning. The South Beach Diet requires planning - especially phase one when there is no bread consumed, no fruit to be eaten, and it is almost impossible to eat processed foods.

That morning I baked tilapia and I tossed chicken, diced tomatoes, and black beans into the CrockPot. While the tilapia cooked, I settled back into bed and started my quiet time.

Weight loss is different for everyone. For me, it's a spiritual matter as much as it is a physical matter. I know that in the past I haven't done well putting my relationship with God, or with myself first, and I decided that this time around I would make sure that my relationship with God came first. Spending the twenty minutes reading my Bible and journaling prepared me for the rest of the day, and I knew that I would and could do it.

For breakfast, I sauteed spinach and then scrambled the spinach into two eggs and one egg white; I then mixed in 1/4 cup Mexican shredded cheese. I also cooked turkey bacon in the microwave. I brewed my coffee and then drank that on the way to work. I took the baked tilapia, sprinkled with Italian seasonings, for lunch and ate that along with a bag of steamed broccoli. Dinner that night was a South Beach Diet friendly adaptation of CrockPot Santa Fe Chicken meaning I skipped the corn and did not make rice to serve along with the chicken. I also made sure to drink almost 70 ounces of water and only one Diet Dr. Pepper. I ended the day with sugar free chocolate mousse from Jell-O.

I had hoped to make it to the gym Monday morning but between cooking, quiet time, and than taking one of our dogs to the vet, I didn't have time. But I knew I would have the lunch hour to spend at the gym. And I did just that.

I spent 30 minutes on the elliptical, 10 minutes on the rowing machine, and then 6 minutes doing yoga abs. By the time my lunch hour ended, I was sweaty, sore, and happy.

Tuesday started the same as Monday except that I went back to bed within 15 minutes of making my husband's coffee, and I then proceeded to hit the snooze button until the last possible moment. Still, I managed to get up, spend time reading my Bible, bake chicken in the oven, and cook breakfast before leaving for work.

 

My breakfast on Tuesday included sauteed mushrooms and spinach and three scrambled eggs. I left the cheese out of the equation and also ate two pieces of turkey bacon. For lunch, I ate leftover CrockPot Santa Fe Chicken. Dinner included a 5 ounce steak, seasoned with salt, pepper, and cumin, cheesy cauliflower, and steamed green beans. I managed to say "no" to a piece of King Cake and again ended the day with sugar free chocolate mousse from Jell-O.

I had hoped to complete two workouts on Tuesday, but two snoring, cuddly dogs beat going to the gym at 5am. I did squeeze a workout in near the end of the day and completed 30 minutes on the elliptical, 10 minutes on the stationary bicycle, and then 13 minutes of upper arms strength training. I was sweatier than Monday, sorer than Monday, and happier.

It's only been two days and already I feel a million times better. I don't think it's just the exercise, just the food, or just the water. I think doing one thing without the others would be counter productive but doing all three makes me unstoppable.

My biggest struggle is planning as I mentioned before which makes the South Beach Diet more of a challenge, but the South Beach Diet also helps me to understand how to plan out my meals as well as how to plan how I spend my time in the mornings and throughout the day.

I chose the South Beach Diet because of how it causes me to plan. But I also chose the South Beach Diet because it cuts out the food I eat too much of - carbohydrates and sweets.

There are some people who can control their portions. I am not one of those people. I can easily eat an entire pint, or quart, of ice cream in one sitting. I also struggle saying no to bread or tortillas or tortilla chips - especially when there is queso to dip the tortilla and chips in. The last time I started the South Beach Diet I did not do well with reintroducing carbohydrates and sweets into my diet. Instead of starting slow, I rushed into the carbohydrates and sweets - undoing all the good that Phase One had done.

This time around I am looking at the South Beach Diet as a true lifestyle change. This time I am constantly thinking about what I can eat, and what I can't. This time I am seeing the next two weeks as an opportunity instead of fourteen days of restriction to survive. This time I am excited about what will happen after the next two weeks instead of worried about if I will even make it through the next two weeks.

The South Beach Diet isn't for everyone. I'm making it work for me which means that I'm eating a lot of frozen vegetables and that the meals I am making are simple and also ones that my husband can (and will) eat. I'm also ensuring that there are always leftovers because then I can take the leftovers for lunch the next day which makes the mornings easier.

I know that not every day will be as "easy" as the past two days have been. I'm off work for most of next week, and will be spending four days in Texas with my parents. Nothing beats Mexican food in Texas, but I can, and will, say no to nachos and tortillas while I am there. I also struggle more with my eating when I am at home than when I am at work. There are plenty of reasons why I might fail, but I know I won't because I won't let myself.

This - my health - is so much more important that my love of nachos. It is so much more important then anything because this is my life. And it's my time to put my life first.

(title from "the sun will rise" by kelly clarkson)

it sounded familiar in a way

For six months, I had it all together. I worked out at least five times a week - usually nine. I split my time between two gyms and anticipated sore muscles. I took pleasure and found excitement in counting my calories. I felt accomplished and sure of myself. I determined that nothing would stop me from reaching my goal.

I completed a 5K on Thanksgiving Day, on the elliptical, and loved that I spent the beginning of a holiday dedicated to food exercising. I promised myself that Christmas would be much the same. But it wasn't.

There's no easy way to lose weight. Setbacks happen. Life often gets in the way. And sometimes exercise isn't a priority.

I promised myself that after Christmas I would get back into the groove. I announced that I was starting the South Beach Diet again. And I did - for a day.

I'm struggling right now. And I'm not doing a very good job of planning meals or making my health a priority. I want to do those things - but I haven't.

This weekend has been a lot of ups and downs. We've gone out to dinner, cuddled on the couch, spent time with family, and I went to baby shower. We've talked a lot about the future as well as what is happening right now in our lives. And there's a lot happening.

Being healthy is a part of all that is happening. New opportunities are presenting themselves, and I know that I can't really put all of myself into those new opportunities without being healthy. And I want all of it - the health, the writing, the opportunities, the things that are waiting in the shadows but have not yet made themselves known. I want 2011 to have been the year I began my weight loss journey and 2012 to be the year I finished it.

But I'm scared. It's been so easy to slip back into old habits like drinking diet coke instead of water. It's been so nice to spend my lunch break reading or eating or shopping instead of sweating in a zumba class or on the elliptical. It's become almost second nature to say that I'll just start again next week.

At the beginning of the year, Shay Sorrells posted about the seven biggest mistakes she made after being on The Biggest Loser. Having spent the past few years not watching the show, I watched all of season 8 in a matter of weeks thanks to Netflix, so it felt as though I had just gotten to know Shay. Her story resonated with me as I work in the field of social work, and I've seen or heard many stories similar to hers. I wanted, for my own selfish reasons, for her to be one of the ones who never slipped or struggled.

Reading her post, I recognize myself in almost all of her mistakes. Because I've done and said all of those things. I've allowed myself to convince myself that if someone else says it's okay then it is. I've allowed myself to not push myself and to rest because I just didn't feel like going to the gym.

The thing about her honesty that really got to me was the fact that after she put it all out there, she talked about her goals and what she was going to do to pursue them. I know she's not perfect - none of us are - but being reminded that someone else out there is struggling and fighting through it was exactly what I needed. She was exactly what I needed.

So I am starting again tomorrow.

The plan is the South Beach Diet for the third time (third time's a charm, right?).

The plan is to take my gym bag to work and spend my lunch hour sweating on the elliptical.

The plan is to go to the grocery store tomorrow evening armed with a list and the determination to eat healthy.

The plan is to put my health first so that I can be faithful to what all God is calling me to.

At the end of January, I plan to start a boot camp through the university I work for. I'm excited for the chance to push myself and try new exercises. I can't wait to show myself what I can do. Before then, though, I want to get back into the gym on a daily basis. I want to spend my lunch hour sweating and maybe a few early mornings too.

Starting Monday, I'll be chronicling all of my struggles and successes with exercise here. Because I need to do that for myself. I need to be honest and truly accountable for whatever I do - or don't do - at the gym. I need to keep track of what I eat, how much I eat, when I eat, and why I eat - sharing a few recipes along the way as well. I need to remind myself of how much better I feel when I choose diet coke over water and fresh food over Arby's.

I need to rediscover my love of health. Because that's what my journey is all about. And if I lose weight along the way, even better.

(title from "between the lines" by sara bareilles)

it gets better than this

Leaving the house this morning, I was determined. Determined to have a good day. Determined to eat well. Determined to push myself with an hour work out that would leave me sweaty, stinky, and red-faced.

It started off well with hot green tea and a breakfast sandwich of a fried egg, canadian bacon, and cheese on an english muffin. But it went downhill quickly with an upset stomach and a sudden hit of exhaustion. I hadn't planned well for lunch - meaning I didn't have anything for lunch - which was a by product of being sick for a week and living off of Panera Bread or macaroni and cheese rather than cooking and eating homemade food.

There was a period of time when I strongly considered staying at the office for lunch rather than slipping into capris and a tank top and then heading to the gym. 12:00pm came and went which left me without a class to go to. The minutes ticked by, and at 12:45pm, I made the decision to leave the comfort of my office and head to the gym.

My hope had been that Tuesday would bring two work outs, but I listened to my body and slept in. For a moment, I thought my body was telling me to take Tuesday off entirely, but I realized that it wasn't my body - it was my mind.

A week away from the gym is mentally taxing. It takes approximately twenty-one days to set a habit and a routine, but it only takes a few days, at least for me, to break a habit and routine. Even though the week away from the gym was for my health, it still broke the habit and is making it difficult to get back into the routine.

But I did it. Sweat dripped down my face and soaked the back of my shirt. Three miles on the elliptical in 40 minutes, then 15 minutes spent on the stationary rower, and four minutes of stretching. I huffed and puffed on the elliptical. I focused on the lyrics to the songs on my playlist. I watched the clock on the elliptical and pushed myself to do sprints and intervals. I kept going on the stationary rower even though I was bored after five minutes.

I reminded myself of how far I have come so far. And I reminded myself of just how far I have left to go. It's overwhelming to realize that even though I have lost over 30 pounds I still have roughly 70 pounds left to lose.

Every work out I complete brings me closer to that goal. Every interval I do on the elliptical brings me closer to the goal of being a runner. Every time I push myself I become healthier and more fit.

I do wonder, though, when it will become too easy. When I will become complacent in my work outs. Because it has happened before. And I know it will happen again.

It's one of the reasons I enjoy watching The Biggest Loser. The episodes sometime go on for too long. There's often more product placement than I would like. And I fast forward through parts of it. But the work outs and the transformations continue to inspire me.

I often say "I can't do this" and "I can't do that." I blame the things I can't do on my knees and on my ankles. And I do have to be careful because of those things. But I also have to be careful because it's just me pushing myself on the elliptical and just me selecting which strength training moves to do.

I see where contestants are on The Biggest Loser, and I'm jealous. Jealous of the training and the one-on-one attention. Jealous of the facilities. I have two gym memberships. I have access to different classes, but there's so much I don't have that I wish I did.

So I have a choice. I can be frustrated that I don't have a trainer to count my intervals and increase the speed on the treadmill when they want me to run faster. I can sit on the couch and wish I had made the choice to get healthy earlier and subsequently try out for The Biggest Loser.

Or I can take the amenities available to me and figure out how to push myself.

I choose the latter. Even though figuring out how to push myself terrifies me. Because what happens if I get hurt? What would I do then?

When I finished my work out, my lovely heart rate monitor reminded me of something. I was already pushing myself.

I thought I wasn't. Leaving spin class after 30 minutes on Monday felt like a failure. Lifting weights Monday was hard and made me feel like I had lost all of my strength. But today I realized that the time off from working out made me stronger and healthier - even if it broke the habit and routine.

Do I have to be careful? Yes. Do I have to work out at my own pace and cater things to my knees and ankles? Yes. Does that mean I can't push myself? No.

I don't have the knowledge that a lot of people might. I am not at a place financially where I can spend money on one-on-one training - though I would love that. And I'm not a contestant on The Biggest Loser with a nutritionist and a team of medical professionals to watch all of my injuries.

But I have determination. I have drive. I have a goal. And I have the reminder that this journey matters in my life and in the lives of others.

There is strength in numbers. Getting emails from people asking me questions about heart rate monitors excites me. Seeing replies on twitter or getting new followers makes me throw up my fist in the air out of excitement. Documenting my work outs on Go The Distance and seeing other people's progress reminds me that we can all do this.

I'm still scared. But I'm focusing on the strength I have instead of on the fear I feel. Because focusing on the strength will help me move forward while focusing on fear will keep me in the same place or push me backwards.

And I won't go back. I won't let me habit turn back into a sedentary lifestyle. I'm going to take every setback, including being sick, and use it to propel me forward.

(title from "fearless" by taylor swift)

never run away

I started this week feeling weak. The weather switched over the weekend, and the temperatures fell for the second time this fall season. And just as it had the first time, it left me with a stuffy and runny nose.

I made the decision to rest. While I wanted to spend my Monday at the gym, I chose to spend it at home and also reading for lunch. I was determined to feel better on Tuesday and make it to the gym, but halfway through the work week, I felt worse and ended up leaving early so that I could spend the rest of the day and evening on the couch.

Wednesday I went to work. I felt less nauseus than I had Tuesday, but my throat started burning. I left the office early again and headed to the doctor instead of straight to the couch. There was blood work, a test for the flu, and a strep test. A little over an hour after arriving, I had my diagnosis (strep throat) and a prescription (penicillin).

I joked with the doctor that growing up I always had strep throat over Thanksgiving or Christmas. And I had. But it had been years since I had strep throat and even more years since I was truly sick on the holidays.

I like to think that my body told me I was sick. My venture home on Tuesday had nothing to do with a sore throat just like my call to the doctor had nothing to do with a sore throat. It was an upset stomach and hurting stomach that left me feeling like I couldn't move. But the diagnosis had nothing to do with my stomach.

There was a small part of me that was angry and frustrated with feeling sick. I went a whole week without stepping foot into the gym. And while I kept track of everything I ate, I didn't do the best at making healthy choices. My choices, instead, were all about comfort and ease.

I ate a lot of Panera Bread, noodles and sauce, and then chicken noodle soup out of a can. I drank water, apple cider, and lots of Sprite. I also consumed more vanilla frozen yogurt in the past several days than I had in the past month. I rested on the couch and watched hours of The Biggest Loser and Felicity from Netflix. I considered writing and reading, but I was too exhausted to do either.

Being home was what I wanted. My office closes for Veteran's Day, so I took it one step further and also asked off for the Thursday before. I had plans of hanging curtains and cleaning baseboards. I was determined to dust windows and vacuum floors. I was even excited to venture into the world of deep cleaning.

After a Thursday on the couch, I hoped I would be up for something on Friday, but it didn't happen. I had high hopes for this beautiful Saturday also, but I think those hopes might just be hopes and not turn into reality.

Every now and then, I need to slow down. I need to spend time doing nothing. But a whole week of slowing down and doing nothing is a bit too much for me.

In the past, this sort of a week would have curtailed my hopes of getting healthy. No matter how far I would have come, I still would have quit. Because taking a week off makes it difficult to get back into the swing of workouts and planning meals.

I know that this time, though, a week a of sickness will not curtail my hopes. It won't stop my efforts or keep me from succeeding.

There are a lot of things I am discontent with in my life. A lot of things that I feel just aren't right. It's not to say that I'm not thankful for much of my life, because I am, but there are certain situations that have remained the same for several years that I feel like should be different. But they aren't. I'm trying to accept that while still working towards bettering my life.

It's like being sick. You take what you have and do with it what you can. That's one of the reasons I watched so many episodes of The Biggest Loser. If I couldn't work out, I wanted to continue to be inspired by the transformation working out can be. I wanted to do everything I could to stop the quitting that would have taken place in the past.

My health is something that is in my control. Getting sick is frustrating and a setback. But it doesn't control my journey. And so I won't let anything keep me from becoming the best me I can be.

Maybe along the way I'll see that other things are also in my control. And maybe I'll be able to document my journey to better those things too.

For now, I'm going to clean some, write some, and rest some more. The four-day weekend wasn't what I planned for, but maybe, in His funny way, God gave me what I needed.

(title from "the reckoning" by needtobreathe)