i'll be ready

I miss losing weight. I miss sweating. I miss feeling accomplished when I step on the scale.

But I haven't missed it enough to eat for fuel.

My first week following surgery I ate well. My mom was here and cooked healthy dinners every night. She made sure I had a balanced breakfast and a lunch filled with lean meats and lots of vegetables. Left to my own devices, I've chosen to eat food for comfort.

I'm frustrated with myself, with my recovery, and with my waning motivation. Going into the knee surgery, I thought I had a great outlook. I was committed to eating well, to tracking my points daily, and to not letting myself go. But the longer I spend at home, the harder it is to be healthy.

It would be easy to declare that I will no longer do that. To vow to the Internet and myself that I am starting over today. But I'm not sure those declarations and vows would be honest.

April 27, 2013 will mark two years of slowly losing weight. Two years of striving for one-derland. Two years of trying but never pushing myself over the years. Two years of getting so close and then sliding back into my old ways. Two years of making excuses.

I know I won't be at my goal weight when my two year anniversary happens. I'm not sure I'll even be in one-derland on the day of my two year anniversary. What I do know is that I can't keep teetering for another two years. It's time for me to understand why I eat for comfort when I know the negative impact it has on my body, my weight, and my spirit.

Over the next week, along with sticking to a writing schedule, I'm going to seek out healthy foods instead of turning to comfort foods. I'm going to focus on eating for fuel instead of comfort. I'm going to drink more water. And I'm going to remain positive.

And I'm not going to focus on the weight this week. I'll still do Weight Loss Wednesday, but I won't actually be weighing in. The fact is that I have no idea what I weight right now. Between being swollen and having a heavy brace on, it's impossible to know what my actual weight is. And I think not worrying about weight, and instead worrying about me, will be a wonderful break for me.

It's going to be time for me to start working out again soon. Not in the conventional way of course but in a way that helps me to utilize my upper body and get stronger. I just can't do that until I'm mentally ready.

And after this week, I will be ready.