this is not the end

Today marks 10 days post-knee surgery. When I first learned I would need and subsequently have a third knee surgery, I was told that I could return to light duty after a week. So I had plans to trek back to the office today - free of crutches and just a little in pain.

I expected more than I should have. I was more optimistic than ever before which also meant I strayed from reality. And the reality is that I had a major surgery - not a minor surgery. The reality is that I need to give my body time to heal. Which is why I'm still at home tapering off on pain pills and wishing ibuprofen worked as well as prescription pain pills.

I want to push it. I want to be the exception to what is expected when recovering from knee surgery. My brain is weeks ahead of my body.

I've always been a busy person. For the past year, I've worked two jobs - spending at least 60 hours working most weeks. And for a lot of that time, I made it to the gym as well. It was a lot to do all at once, but it was doable and I enjoyed it for the most part. I miss working. I miss getting out of the house and seeing people. This time off has made me realize that I'm most likely not meant for a life spent working from home.

But I know that right now the best thing I can do is to rest. It's what I need to do.
I'm ready to finish my weight loss journey. I'm ready to make health my lifestyle. And letting myself heal is the first step to where I currently am. If I don't heal right now, then I'll suffer for he rest of my life. And I am done suffering.

I did manage to get out of the house on Sunday. It was only the second time out since surgery - the first being a more emotional and draining trip to see the orthopedic surgeon. We went to church and then out to lunch.

It was a little scary to leave the house, but if I'm going to make it back to work by the end of the week as I'm hoping and planning to, then I need to get more comfortable with getting out of the house - especially since I'll be on my own with getting to work once the time comes.

The day started off well. I got my shoes on, my hair somewhat styled, and a little bit of make-up put on all by myself. It doesn't seem like a huge feat, but I felt so successful - like I had just overcome a huge mountain. I had the confidence to make it out of the house for the day and more energy than I thought I would.

Having my first non-medical trip be to church was perfect. We were greeted by so many people and cared for as we found seats in the back. By finally reaching out and asking for help, I've found that we are loved more than I could have imagined. People genuinely want to be there for us in the ways that are feasible for them. It's made me feel a part of a community that is so much larger than my almost 2200 sq. ft. house.

And the sermon? I needed to hear every word of it. Realizations continued to hit me as I listened. I haven't been as down on myself (or my situation) during this time of recovery as I may have a few months ago or years ago. But I also haven't been as filled with joy as I could have been.

Yesterday, it became clear.

I've needed this knee surgery for a long time - years really. The surgeon commented that he didn't know how I had been walking around with so much looseness in my knee. But I've always been able to rest my knee and then get on with my life following dislocations of my patella and other injuries.

At this moment, we are in the process of starting a Community Group out of our house. My husband and I are both ready to dive into our church in a ways we never have been before. We want to open up our lives and our home to people. Having knee surgery has forced me to ask for help and to break down the walls I spent years building and strengthening. Had I not let these walls tumble down, had I not bee hit with how selfish it is for me to push people away, I wouldn't be ready to invite true community into my life.

I said that my word for 2013 was going to be faith. What I meant was that I wanted to grow my faith - to spend more time reading my Bible, to pray more frequently and fervently, to not worry about worldly things and to really press into God. I didn't realize how much my faith would be tested and how much God would meet me. He tends to be better at seeing the future than I am.

This year has challenged me. And we're not even halfway through the second month. And I can tell that February is going to be so much more than January was.

It's scary to have my faith stretched like this, but it's what I welcomed in when I said my word would be faith. God will use this year to bring me closer to Him and to help tear away the things that don't matter - just as He has torn down the walls I've built.

I'm excited to share my journey of faith here. To let you know how God is moving me and stretching me. To hopefully help you lean further into Him too. And to help myself to lean further into Him as well.

Back before I had surgery, I began working my way through a Bible reading plan on SheReadsTruth. And almost immediately, I came across the verse from Exodus 14:14 that reads "The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still." When I first read it, I told Justin how fitting it was as I would be forced to be still following knee surgery. I even shared the verse. In the past few days, it's really hit me how true the words are.

God has moved as I've been still. I haven't been working two jobs. I've spent quality time with my husband. I've made time for God every single morning. I've rested - a lot. And God has revealed Himself to me in ways He never has before. He's taken away most of my worries. He's blessed us with rebates that weren't supposed to be here until later in February. He led us to move church campuses right before I would need knee surgery. He's gone before us in everything and met us at every turn.

And while I still want my body to catch up to my mind, I'm also enjoying the stillness. I love that God is showing me just how BIG He is and how SMALL I am. It makes me so excited to spread His love for the rest of the year.

(title from "i will show you love" by kendall payne)

PS: Feel free to join me over at Meg's blog for Mingle Monday and at Sar's blog for This Weekend, I!