I say I'm in God's will. That I'm working to further His kingdom. And I believe it. I know He has placed me where I am. I know He wants me to minister to the people around me.
But this busyness makes it impossible for Him to minister to me. I'm too busy to hear His voice. Too busy to spend time in His word and asking for guidance. Instead I just move. I keep going and going. I barely recover on the weekends before starting over again.
When He wants me to listen, He has to make me stop. There is no in-between for me. It's why I broke my right foot in college. 6 weeks of having to have someone drive me to class and work following a week of time spent not leaving my third-floor apartment. 6 weeks of working only one job instead of two on top of a full load of classes.
I broke my foot months before going to China for the summer. It was a clean break. A clean break that meant I had to wear a boot but didn't need surgery. It happened when I tripped over a very large stuffed duck at a daycare. Worker's compensation took care of all the medical bills and even paid me part of my weekly pay. It was a blessing. God's hand was on it.
I said I learned how important it was to depend on other people, to ask for help, to slow down. And maybe I did - for a time.
The timing was well orchestrated. It happened just months before I would lead all the comforts of home. Months before I would have an experience that would change every single bit of my life.
It's been years since then. I've all but forgotten what it is to depend on other people. Rather than holding onto that knowledge, I returned to being independent. Returned to thinking I knew better. Returned to being busy.
Even after hurting my knee, I stayed busy. I stayed busy up until the day I had surgery. And I had every intention of heading back to work in under two weeks. Every intention of returning to my busy life in under two weeks.
Instead, I'm at home. Three weeks post-op from knee surgery. With no idea of when I'll go back to working one job let alone both jobs. Three weeks of being forced to be still.
During these three weeks, I've read my Bible. I've spent time with Him. I've rested. And I've been still. I've seen Him meet us in huge ways. My anxiety has almost disappeared. And I'm not ashamed to ask for help when I need it.
What will happen when I return to the every day life? Can I even return to my every day life? The simple answer is I don't know. And that's not really a simple answer.
By every day life, I don't mean work. I mean how I went about about work and life. I mean how busy I was and how little time I left for God.
This time has changed me. It's changed my marriage. It's changed how I feel about people. It's changed how I see the future. And while I have peace, I'm also terrified.
I don't want to busy. I want to fill my life with serving God, but I don't want to just be busy. I want purpose to everything I do. I want to be where God wants me to do. I want to show His love to others in everything I do.
I stated with those thoughts in mind, but eventually, I felt myself striving for other things. Striving for money and for things and for promotion. I felt myself competing with other people. Like I needed to be more and do more and have more.
This time has shown me that. And it's reminded me how unimportant those things are.
I'm getting rid of clothes. I'm diminishing what I have. And I'm stopping myself from filling my closet, my armoire, my house up with more. I'm hoping and praying that I never again seek to fill my closets, my armoire, and my house up with more.
Because it just doesn't matter.
Without this knee surgery and this stillness, I never would have seen that. I would have continued on a path that led to more things. And those things so often to lead to more things. And then there is never enough.
I am so thankful I was forced into stillness. So thankful that God loves me.. loves ALL of us.. enough to stop us in our tracks and force us to turn from things and instead turn to Him.