mountains high or valley low

I discover She Reads Truth a few months back. Without that reading plan, I would be lost on what to read. I get so overwhelmed when I sit down to read my Bible. So many of the books and verses seem over my head. And I never know where to start or what I need to read.

The current reading plan is about prayer. I never really thought prayer was something I struggled with, but it is. I've realized that over the past few weeks as I've faced a lot of uncertainty and also found myself questioning a lot of the future I had planned out for myself.

I struggle with praying about my hopes and my dreams. I might mention them once, but I'm not good at going to God continuously with them. The current reading plan mentions praying and provides guidance on how to pray, so I've been doing that this week. Rather than praying out loud or quietly in my head, I've started to type out the prayers and save them on my computer. I want to be able to go back and read back over them in the months to come and see how God moved and changed my life.

A lot of the prayers are extremely personal. And I'm learning how important it is to keep some things between God and me until I'm ready to share. And then I generally only share with close friends and my husband. I want to see Him move and then share His movements as part of my testimony.

But prayer is communal. We are all called to pray for one another. We are called to speak our needs to each other and be vulnerable with the people we can trust - the people we are in community with. This means stating our true prayers and not just always falling back on saying we have unsaid prayer requests.

These are some of the prayers right now. The ones I feel it's okay to share. Lift them up for me, and let me know in the comments what I can pray about for you. God moves more in prayer than in anything else.

(title from "love came down" by kari jobe)

in the stillness

I'm busy. Busy with work. Busy with being a wife. Busy with life. Busy, busy, busy. Too busy.

I say I'm in God's will. That I'm working to further His kingdom. And I believe it. I know He has placed me where I am. I know He wants me to minister to the people around me.

But this busyness makes it impossible for Him to minister to me. I'm too busy to hear His voice. Too busy to spend time in His word and asking for guidance. Instead I just move. I keep going and going. I barely recover on the weekends before starting over again.

When He wants me to listen, He has to make me stop. There is no in-between for me. It's why I broke my right foot in college. 6 weeks of having to have someone drive me to class and work following a week of time spent not leaving my third-floor apartment. 6 weeks of working only one job instead of two on top of a full load of classes.

I broke my foot months before going to China for the summer. It was a clean break. A clean break that meant I had to wear a boot but didn't need surgery. It happened when I tripped over a very large stuffed duck at a daycare. Worker's compensation took care of all the medical bills and even paid me part of my weekly pay. It was a blessing. God's hand was on it.

I said I learned how important it was to depend on other people, to ask for help, to slow down. And maybe I did - for a time.

The timing was well orchestrated. It happened just months before I would lead all the comforts of home. Months before I would have an experience that would change every single bit of my life.

It's been years since then. I've all but forgotten what it is to depend on other people. Rather than holding onto that knowledge, I returned to being independent. Returned to thinking I knew better. Returned to being busy.

Even after hurting my knee, I stayed busy. I stayed busy up until the day I had surgery. And I had every intention of heading back to work in under two weeks. Every intention of returning to my busy life in under two weeks.

Instead, I'm at home. Three weeks post-op from knee surgery. With no idea of when I'll go back to working one job let alone both jobs. Three weeks of being forced to be still.

During these three weeks, I've read my Bible. I've spent time with Him. I've rested. And I've been still. I've seen Him meet us in huge ways. My anxiety has almost disappeared. And I'm not ashamed to ask for help when I need it.

What will happen when I return to the every day life? Can I even return to my every day life? The simple answer is I don't know. And that's not really a simple answer.

By every day life, I don't mean work. I mean how I went about about work and life. I mean how busy I was and how little time I left for God.

This time has changed me. It's changed my marriage. It's changed how I feel about people. It's changed how I see the future. And while I have peace, I'm also terrified.

I don't want to busy. I want to fill my life with serving God, but I don't want to just be busy. I want purpose to everything I do. I want to be where God wants me to do. I want to show His love to others in everything I do.

I stated with those thoughts in mind, but eventually, I felt myself striving for other things. Striving for money and for things and for promotion. I felt myself competing with other people. Like I needed to be more and do more and have more.

This time has shown me that. And it's reminded me how unimportant those things are.

I'm getting rid of clothes. I'm diminishing what I have. And I'm stopping myself from filling my closet, my armoire, my house up with more. I'm hoping and praying that I never again seek to fill my closets, my armoire, and my house up with more.

Because it just doesn't matter.

Without this knee surgery and this stillness, I never would have seen that. I would have continued on a path that led to more things. And those things so often to lead to more things. And then there is never enough.

I am so thankful I was forced into stillness. So thankful that God loves me.. loves ALL of us.. enough to stop us in our tracks and force us to turn from things and instead turn to Him.

ask and you will receive whatever you need

Sometimes I go to church, and I don't feel anything. I wonder why I am there and if the message is meant for me. Sometimes I even wish I had stayed in bed at home. I shouldn't feel those things but sometimes I do.

Other times, I go to church, and I feel so much -- too much to put into words really. And I know, with every fiber of my being, that God is opening my ears and my heart to His words. I know that I am right where I need to be.

It was the other time today. The words preached out of John 7 convicted me and blessed me. They reminded me of my shortcomings and of God's grace.

And they made me feel more thankful for where I am. I also realized just how far we have come and just how much He is blessing us. Our prayers have been answered in a big, huge way. A way that only He could do when we open ourselves up to Him.

I'm often the person in my own way.. and the person in God's way. I have my hands in everything, and I fear that everything will fall apart if I let go. God's working on that right now. He is giving me time off to rest and pain in my foot to remind me to just stop every now and then. He is peeling away the layers and showing me that the things we have (our marriage, good jobs, a new house being built after we sold our old house, amazing friends) are gifts from Him and nothing that came from me.

That sort of realization knocks me off my feet and onto my butt. It's the sort of realization I need every few months.

I'm blessed to live the life I do. And I have never felt as blessed as I do right now. Because I know God has worked through all of our struggles. I know He has been constant as we have followed an unknown path. And I know that He has seen every failing and every success. I also know that He has always known where it would lead, and I am so very excited for where it is that we are going.

I am so very thankful for a God who is completely in control and loves me enough to invite me into His plan. And who also loves me enough to let my plans fall apart so that He can give me an even better life and future.

You said, "Ask and you will receive whatever you need." / You said, "Pray and I'll hear from heaven, / And I'll heal your land."

(title from "you said" by shane and shane)

everything i have in me

I'm a planner. I always have been. And I always will be.

I spend so much time thinking about what will happen next. So much time wondering what I need to do to make that upcoming this actually happen. So much time deciding all the different options. Entirely too much time wondering what I will do, how I will react, how I will survive if things don't go as I planned.

When we went to church on Sunday, I heard words that I needed to hear. Words that brought tears to my eyes. Words that turned those tears into a downpour of emotions. Words that reminded me that while it's not bad to plan it is bad to plan for what I think is best for my life.

There was more to the sermon. And the rest of it spoke to me as well. But the words about living the life God has given me - right now - were exactly what I needed to hear. They are exactly what I need to remember for every day of my life from here on out.

We are in the midst of many life changes. Meeting with realtors. Putting our house up for sale (possibly - most likely). Considering where to go next - what to do next. Focusing more and more on my health and making the decision to stick to it - even when it seems impossible.

And through all of this, I know God is present. I know He has this life for us right now. It's not  necessarily the life I think I should have. But the life I think I should have is likely a life that would be full of emptiness and not a life full of struggle, strength, and growth.

And the life I want? I don't know what I really want. I just know that right now we are taking the necessary steps to truly live the life God has for us.

So, for now, I am planning when absolutely necessary. But I am living more than planning. I am trusting the process and opening myself up to other people. I'm signing up for 5k's and swimming a 50m race next Saturday. I'm trusting that God is with me every step of the way. And I'm remembering that my husband and I are in this together - for better, for worse, in sickness, and in health.

And this life God has for me is beautiful - even during the times of hardships and uncertainty.

(title from "the best thing" by relient k)

just one pulse of your heart

I made it to the gym on Monday morning. It was just a 30-minute circuit work-out, but still. After two weeks of no work-outs, I felt on top of the world and ready to first tackle the day and then the week.

It's now Wednesday, and I had every intention of rolling out of bed at 5:45am and walking into the gym by 6:15am. But with a headache leftover from last night and a sore throat from not drinking enough water,  I am spending the little time I have this morning and simply resting.

I don't rest very much now. I'm moving from one job or one activity to the next. I'm helping this person and then that person. I'm spending time with my husband and with my friends. I'm finally folding and putting away laundry or taking time out from the day to scratch my dogs' ears and give them their (and mine) needed hugs.

I still don't know where or how to fit the gym in. Which is more important - the extra sleep or the work-out? Maybe it's equal and then depending on the day determines my choice. Or maybe it's just that they are both equally important and I need to make both more of a priority.

It's something I am figuring out along with the rest of this thing called life and change. At least there are some things I have already figured out - some things I know I can't live without.

One of those things is quiet time.

I've tried to live without it. Chosen watching thirty minutes of The Bachelor over it. And I've come to the full realization that I am an absolute mess without it. I've realized that everything stems off whether or not I take the time to sit down, open my Bible, and spend the time reading.

Quiet time centers me. When I'm frustrated, anxious and unsure, I'm reminded that I'm not in control - which really, even for a control freak like me, is the some of the best news imaginable. And quiet time reminds me of why I do what I do for work, reminds me of how important my marriage is (and why it's important) and also helps me to see things I didn't before.

I'm gathering Bible Studies and using them to pour over the words written on the tattered smooth pages. I'm doing my best to journal - writing down my frustrations, my fears, and my prayer requests. And as I do these things, I feel myself changing in ways I didn't think were really possible.

I'm more content. There are still questions about what we are to do with jobs and serving others. Questions about where we are called to live. How we are called to spend our money. But there are even more questions I no longer feel I have to answer right away. Questions that used to keep me up at night that no longer bother me.

A few weeks ago, during my first week at my new full-time job, I was driving down the interstate. Traffic was backed up, and I was stopped, looking ahead and waiting to see when it would be time to go. I got rear-ended, and I spent the next few hours scared, anxious, crying, angry, but also at peace. Because I knew that somehow everything would work itself out.

And it did. The damage to my car was minimal. I was sore for a few days but the soreness eventually disappeared as well.

The situation wasn't ideal, but it was another reminder that God is in control of my life. Another reminder that I'm so much better equipped to handle life and it's situations when I spend time praying, reading the Bible and ministering to my own heart.

My early time spent blogging often touched on my faith and what I felt like God was teaching me. Then it turned to weight loss and the journey I am still on. Now I'm just doing my best to be faithful with what I am leaning in every aspect of my life and use that knowledge in any way possible.

I continue to be excited about life and the opportunities presenting themselves. So much time passed when I felt stuck and unsure and like I just wasn't moving forward. Now that I can see things happening and feel other things happening, I have to share that excitement, and I know I only have that excitement because I've spent time meditating, praying, seeking clarity, and reading.

(title from "see the way" by misty edwards)

everything will fit right in

A little under three weeks ago, I drafted a letter and handed it to my then supervisor. Friday was my last day at that position. My last day to drive the 40 minute commute. My last day to search for parking. My last day to be a part of the university staff.

I've considered my next move for quite some time. The past year has been spent wondering over what I want to do. Should I go back to school and get a masters? Should I stop working full-time and go to law school? Do I need to pursue a new career altogether? Do I stay where I am?

My answers to every question have differed on a weekly (and usually a daily) basis. But I never had the opportunity to change - until three weeks ago when God opened a huge door for me, and I stepped through.

There are plenty of reasons, I'm sure, for why other positions didn't happen. I don't understand all of the reasons, and I may never fully understand them. But I know that I am where I am right now because I didn't take any of the other opportunities I prayed would become possibilities and then reality.

Had I not been in my current position last April, I doubt I would have lost nearly 40 pounds. So many of the people who played an integral role in my weight loss journey thus far were people I never would have met without a membership to the university gym.

There were strangers who became friends, instructors who inspired and challenged me, and instructors who became friends. Friendly faces that smiled when I walked through the gym doors and people who recognized me, who commented on my success thus far, and who reminded me every time I saw them that I could do it. Not only that - they reminded me that I was doing it and doing it the right way.

I'm scared to be on my own now. The past three weeks have been filled with change, with stress, with excitement, and with the knowledge that I no longer have a normal life. But those three weeks are now gone, and it is time for me to step into the new normal - a normal that currently exists without those strangers, friends, and instructors.

I know they still believe in me and that they still support me. Our relationships grew outside the bounds of just work out class or just the gym. But I won't see them every day or week. They won't be able to push me with an obstacle course in boot camp or remind me of just how far I have come or marvel at the inches lost. I'm going to have to be one to push myself, to remind myself and to marvel.

I don't think I could have done that two months ago. I'm terrified that I won't be able to do it now. Instead of giving into any of the fear, though, I need to use the fear as a reason to do even better.

There are some thing I'll have the chance to do now that I didn't have the chance to do before. Like eating breakfast at home. Like starting the morning off with a work out. Like taking the time I spent driving to work and using it to care for myself. So that's what I am going to do - no more excuses.

The first time I stepped foot into the gym early I did so with a partner. There won't be anyone waiting for me in the mornings, but I'm going to pretend there is - just to put a little spark into me when I roll out of bed and ready myself for a morning work out followed by a day of work.

It's going to take time to continue to find my new normal. And there is some nervousness associated with the starting of a new position. But I know, without any doubt or hesitation, that I am right where I am supposed to be.

I took the weekend off from my part-time job and allowed myself time to relax and rest. I spent time on the couch with my husband and finally caught up on my DVR. I went to the gym and sweated through a 45 minute work out. I walked around the grocery store with my husband and selected several easy to make meals for dinners and also filled the grocery cart with frozen dinners. I ate too much Chinese food and drank more Diet Dr. Pepper than water. I spent Sunday morning at church, allowing myself to be filled up and reminded that God is walking alongside me with everything - new jobs, weight loss, my marriage. Church also reminded me that He has always been beside me - even during the times when I felt far from Him and wondered why things just weren't working out.

I don't have all the answers. But I know that this time is a time of blessing. It is a time given to me by Him. I can't take any credit for it; I can only point back to Him.

(title from "i'm through" by ingrid michaelson)