no one else is coming

honoring Dr. Deb Shropshire

A little over a week ago, I joined over 100 Oklahomans for a Foster Care Forum. It was a last minute decision bred of more unexpected time off following knee surgery and the sudden need to be a part of anything that had to do with foster care, adoption, and the orphan crisis. I volunteered and greeted people as they came in. And I reconnected with several past colleagues and friends.

For whatever reason, I was called to the world of social work and child welfare immediately following my college graduation. In fact, I was offered, and then accepted, my first adult job before even graduating college. Armed with a degree in journalism, a desire to change the world, and wide-eyed optimism, I began my career in social work at the age of 22.

A lot of people didn't expect me to last a year. But I did. I lasted just under two years in permanency before accepting a job recruiting and retaining foster parents and adoptive parents. I still can't tell you why I took a job in child welfare. It doesn't make any sense.

I never really knew about the orphan crisis or the need for foster care growing up. I knew people who were adopted but that was about it. Still, I always had a desire to help people. I wanted to make a difference and had dreams of owning a ranch on the beach where kids with nowhere else to go could live.

Looking back, I now know that the dream was placed on my heart by God. He has called me to social work, to foster care, to standing in the gap and doing something that looks odd to a lot of people. He has taken a girl who grew up never knowing abuse or neglect and decided that she is to be the mother to countless children who have suffered countless hurts.

I've often wondered why I want to foster. We get asked that question a lot. I don't think there's a really good answer for it. And I don't necessarily think it's something we just want to do. Rather it's something that we feel we have to do.

One of the speakers at the Foster Care Forum said something that has stuck with me. To be fair, ALL the speakers said things that have stuck with me. But there's one thing that has stuck with me more.

It was a story told by a woman who ventured into foster care by taking a child home from the shelter for the Christmas holiday and then took two other children home for a weekend. She talked about the kids they cared for and how their stories touched she and her husband. And then she said this "I realized that no one else was coming." (Thank you, Susan Binkowski, for this.)

Right now, in Oklahoma, there are over 10,000 child in state custody. Over 10,000 children who have been neglected or abused and sometimes both. Over 10,000 children who won't sleep in their own homes. Over 10,000 children who won't wake up tomorrow morning with their birth parents.

And no one is coming for them. Social workers will seek out family members to take the children. And if there aren't family members, they will look for other people those children may know like teachers or friends. About half of the children in state custody will be placed with kinship foster families - these families who get calls in the middle of the night and of the day begging that they take placement of children who only want their mom and their dad. These families who will care for these children and try to make sense of why they're put in this position and try to figure out how they will pay the bills and feed extra mouths.

But what about the other children? The ones who don't have any relatives who can be approved or any other non-relative connections who are willing to take them. For them, no one else is coming.

People need to come. People need to open up their lives and invite in the mess that is foster care. People need to open their eyes and see the devastation that exists. And that's why we're fostering.

We're one of the foster families that is considered a kinship foster family. We're not related to the kids we're taking in, but we know them. We know their story. And when we heard they didn't have a place to go, we contacted OKDHS and said we would take them.

Our classes started on Saturday. It's the second time I've taken the classes. I took them a little over a year ago for my job, and so I was a bit bored on Saturday. I knew the material, had seen the videos, and I was just going through the motions.

We broke for lunch and went to a little Mexican restaurant. On the way to the restaurant, I commented to my husband that I wish we had invited the couple sitting next to us to have lunch with us. They aren't kinship. They're one of the ones welcoming in children they know nothing about, and I wanted to talk with them more.

God had other plans, and just after we ordered our food, we noticed a couple who was in our class sitting down at another booth. And we invited them to eat with us.

They were a kinship foster family and had taken in three children of the wife's sister. They were tired and broken down and in need of support. They needed someone who understood and were trying to wrap their minds around how they ended up as a kinship foster family. So we talked for over an hour. We let them spill their hurts and their frustrations and tried to offer some sort of support, some knowledge. We just tried to love them and tell them that we got it.

I realized then how much God has done to bring me to this place. I saw His sovereignty as we were able to be there for this family, to be the church to them and to stand in the gap along side them.

Foster care is hard. And it hurts. It makes you realize all the things about yourself that you ignore. It ostracizes you from society. People start to look at you differently. And you will lose friends.

You will always just be the foster family. You'll be the safe place for a child to sleep, but they will likely always want their parents. You will be the one to deal with anger and rage following a visit. You will also be the one to say positive things about a birth parent after they miss or cancel a visit. You will invite a child into your family and your life all the while knowing that they will choose their birth family over you.

You may not be considered a real parent. People may call you just a foster mom or a foster dad. And it will hurt. Because it's true and because you miss those kids, as difficult as they are, every single time they choose their birth family over your family.

But you will do it. You will do the sleepless nights and the angry outbursts and the parents who think you are trying to take their children. Because if you don't... then who will?

And, as Megan Dunham said, if it doesn't hurt so much then you haven't done it right.

frequently asked questions - foster care

1. How old are the kids you're planning to foster?
One is a teenager and one is a toddler. And both are girls. My poor husband is going to be outnumbered. He has already requested that friends be his alternate caregiver.

Me? I can't wait to buy clothes for both the kids. My poor husband may need to get an extra job or two in addition to having an alternate caregiver.

2. What made you want to foster?
I've been a social worker for about 5 years now. And since the beginning, I've known I wanted to foster and adopt. There are so many wonderful kids who simply need to be loved and told they are worth something.

We (meaning I) had planned to wait for another year to begin the process, but God apparently had other plans.

3. Do you want your own kids?
I understand this question. It comes from a place of curiosity (I think), but it's always a hard one to answer. I tend to get a little overly passionate when it comes to foster care and adoption, and sometimes I take questions personally.

For me, it doesn't matter if I birth a child or if someone else births the child. They can still be my child even without shared DNA. That being said, I'm going to consider any child that comes into our home my child. And I'll care for them as I would care for my own child.

As far as getting pregnant? I don't know.

4. When did you know that you wanted to be a mother?
I never really wanted to be a mom. I never understood it, and I thought that I would spend my days without children. And then this need for foster parents became very clear to my husband and I, and all of a sudden, I was a mom.

5. What is the hardest thing about fostering?
Our kids aren't in our house yet, so that's hard. The other thing that is so hard is how thankless foster care feels. We have an amazing support system through our church and the close relationships we have with members of our church. But there are a lot of people who don't seem to understand why we're fostering. I want to be able to explain it to them but I tend to get a bit overly passionate, so I'm letting God work on my heart and my tongue so that I can talk to people in a way that will really reach them.

6. How can you foster knowing the kids may leave?
How can I not? Foster care isn't about me or what I'm doing. I'm not doing it for myself. I'm doing it because every child deserves to have somewhere to call home. And I'm doing it because God has called me to. Also I'm not amazing for doing it; I'm simply obedient. And really my life is the one that will be changed more than a child's.

I know not everyone is called to foster, but we're all called to do something. God is the one who will provide guidance on what that something is. And these kids, these wonderful and amazing kids, need as much help and whatever kind of help people want to give.

Someone from our church bought paint so that we could turn our spare bedrooms into homes for the kids. Someone else from our church is going through the painstaking process of taping off chevron and stripes in the rooms. Another friend from church is hemming a prom dress for a girl in foster care. We have friends who have offered to be alternate caregivers and help us bolt furniture into the walls. Justin's grandma gave us a crib. One of the therapist's from my physical therapy donated a small suitace and clothes for the teenager. And countless people are actively praying for us.

Those things mean the world to me. Seeing so many people come together to help us and love on our kids reminds me of what the church is meant to be. I love that we all get to be the church to one another and to kids who may never have known what love is.

7. You get paid for fostering, right?
I hate this question, too. Because it hurts me - cuts me to the core. I know people ask because they don't understand. And I want to educate people. However, I feel like there is such a stigma attached to being paid for foster care.

Do we receive a stipend? Yes. And it all goes back to the kids. We also will receive help with daycare. I equal it to taxes for couples with their own biological children. When you have kids, you get a tax break. When you pay for daycare, you get to write some of those expenses off. We won't get a tax break or be able to write off expenses.

Also, we're not yet approved, and we won't be fully approved when the children get placed. Which means we won't receive the stipend. And I almost don't want the stipend. I know it will help, but I already consider the kids as ours and as such I will do everything I can to care for them - regardless of the stipend.

There are some people who foster for the money, and it makes me sick. These kids are people. They deserve to be loved and not seen as a paycheck. Also the stipend is nothing, so I can't comprehend how or why people would do this for the money.

8. Why did you have a shower?
Because we wanted to celebrate. It doesn't matter that the kids are already born. They deserve just as much celebration as an unborn child. And we wanted to include people in our lives - to show them what we're doing and why. We also wanted people to have the chance to meet our kids. This question hurts me because it makes me feel like I'm worth less than someone having a child biologically, and it hurts me for the kids we're getting because I want to provide as much as I can for them.

I'm so blessed to have a friend who got it and threw us a shower. I loved getting to fellowship and show off our kids. I also loved that other friends brought their foster children. I held one little boy and fell deeply in love with him and his 8-month-ol chunkiness.

And we have a lot of needs. This is our first time becoming parents, and so just like any first time parents, we need things like bottles and cups and playpens and toys and clothes and diapers. We still have a lot of those needs and are on the look-out for good deals. Some of our needs were filled on Sunday, and we are so grateful.

9. What do you need?
We still need diapers. And a stroller. We also need a bedding set. And toys. I would love a second playpen, too. And that's just for the toddler. For the teen, we need things like a hair straightener and a comforter set. I could honestly continue the list, but the stuff isn't the most important thing. Yes, it helps, but love and support and friendship and prayer are more important. God has called us to foster, and so I know He will provide. We're registered at Target and Babies R Us, and I plan to look for similar items at garage sales.

9. What do you wish people knew about foster care?
A lot.

I wish people were more accepting. I wish more people would talk to us about our decision to foster. I wish that people didn't think it was so weird. I know it's different and confusing and that people have a hard time understanding it. But I'd love for people to truly talk to us about it.

I also wish people knew how common it is. Since we announced our decision to foster, we've been able to meet others who share a similar heart, and I've loved getting to know those people and have loved that so many people have come alongside us to help us and support us. It brought me so much joy on Sunday to see that happen.

I also wish people understood how little these kids often have. It doesn't matter how old they are; they still have needs. So many kids in foster care move with just trash bags full of belongings. They store some things at offices because they can't take everything to their new "homes" and often those "homes" are not permanent so they lose more every time they move. That's one thing I want to make sure of. I want every child, especially our soon-to-be kids, that this is their home.

I also wish people knew that they could do something. Really do something to change lives. And I wish people would talk to me about it more. I would love to be able to share my heart.

linking up with lauren for heart + home today.

how ever long it takes

We entered the church on Sunday and immediately were greeted with "We're praying for you today. After announcements." I knew that it was the plan and yet I was still shocked and still nervous. That moment reminded me of how big prayer is. How powerful and personal it is. How loved I felt to know our church was standing behind us and beside us and loving us in a million little ways.

The past few weeks have been boring in many ways. Nothing big has happened. I'm not suddenly running miles or sweating on the elliptical or enjoying an hour of spin class. I'm still slowly and quietly working through physical therapy and getting stronger - trying not to be constantly discouraged by the lack of progress I want to see.

There also haven't been any bolts of lightening. We've been praying through things. Seeking wisdom and stepping out of our comfort zones in hopes of God becoming bigger than we are and moving in a huge way. He's moved. I've felt that daily as He reveals things to me. But there are so many unanswered questions and prayers that He hasn't yet revealed. So I wait.

I'm overwhelmed by the prospect of foster care and adoption. It's a leap of faith. I know plenty about social work and the system. But to have a child in my own, a child I open my life up to and love in whatever ways I can? That's something else entirely. I know this is the right choice - that God has called us to the place. And I know He will provide for us along the way. But still I find myself overwhelmed.

So to have people come alongside us and love us and the love these kids means more than I can express. It's what my heart needs. It's allowing me to find rest in Him and to remind myself that He is at work and He will provide for all the needs we have. It also reminds me that while neither I nor my husband are enough to parent that He is.

So many people have said that we're amazing for taking on this challenge. I laugh and usually say "or just crazy." We get told how strong we are. And how there need to be more people like us in the world.  I always appreciate the sentiments but the truth is that we're all called to do things that seem a little crazy. We're all called to be different and live life in a way that makes people ask what it is about us.

For us, our calling is to the orphan. Our calling is to loving the children who need a safe place to live to for however long. It could be only 6 days or it could be 6 years. And while we are here to love those children and support them, I can guarantee that any child we have in our home will change us more than we could change them.

I've already learned so much, and they aren't even officially in our house. 

I've learned to have grace upon grace for people and for myself. I've learned that it's okay to ask for help and it's okay to be upset when people don't understand. I've learned that God has a bigger plan than I could imagine and that I simply need to rest and trust in Him during this time because none of it makes any sense to me on my own.

I'm opening myself up and sharing more of my faith with people. For so long, I felt ashamed and afraid to share. I didn't want to offend anyone. And now I know that it's important for me to talk about. My faith is a part of my life, and if people can not understand that, it's okay. What matters is that I stay true to myself and to the life I am called to live.

Also I'm learning to forgive. I'm forgiving myself and forgiving others. And I'm learning how to hold my tongue and watch my words. I want to speak life to people - not to tear them down. And I'm learning how beautiful forgiveness is. He's using that so much right now.

Forgiveness and grace. Those are the gifts He has given me so that I can be the mother I need to be for the children coming into our home. Because I know that I won't always be recognized as a true mother by the world's standards. These kids may never truly be ours. They may legally belong to someone else. But it doesn't matter. No matter what the world says, they will be loved, and I will have my Father to turn to on the hardest of days. And I know there will be days more difficult than anyone could imagine.

(title from "i love you this much" by jimmy wayne)

mountains high or valley low

I discover She Reads Truth a few months back. Without that reading plan, I would be lost on what to read. I get so overwhelmed when I sit down to read my Bible. So many of the books and verses seem over my head. And I never know where to start or what I need to read.

The current reading plan is about prayer. I never really thought prayer was something I struggled with, but it is. I've realized that over the past few weeks as I've faced a lot of uncertainty and also found myself questioning a lot of the future I had planned out for myself.

I struggle with praying about my hopes and my dreams. I might mention them once, but I'm not good at going to God continuously with them. The current reading plan mentions praying and provides guidance on how to pray, so I've been doing that this week. Rather than praying out loud or quietly in my head, I've started to type out the prayers and save them on my computer. I want to be able to go back and read back over them in the months to come and see how God moved and changed my life.

A lot of the prayers are extremely personal. And I'm learning how important it is to keep some things between God and me until I'm ready to share. And then I generally only share with close friends and my husband. I want to see Him move and then share His movements as part of my testimony.

But prayer is communal. We are all called to pray for one another. We are called to speak our needs to each other and be vulnerable with the people we can trust - the people we are in community with. This means stating our true prayers and not just always falling back on saying we have unsaid prayer requests.

These are some of the prayers right now. The ones I feel it's okay to share. Lift them up for me, and let me know in the comments what I can pray about for you. God moves more in prayer than in anything else.

(title from "love came down" by kari jobe)

and then Jesus did something else (a follow up post)

It took me a lot of time to write about how becoming a foster parent and looking into adoption is a Jesus thing for me. I thought about how missional foster care is for months. I listened to people point out that our taking in children points back to the gospel and pondered their words. I also listened as other people said hurtful things. I felt myself wonder if we were doing the right thing and ask myself why I couldn't just be "normal" where I decide I want children, and my husband and I decide to have a baby of "our own."

When I hit publish yesterday, I felt a sense of relief. I was glad to put out there my feelings. But that post wasn't really about me. At least I never meant for it to be about me. Instead it was meant to be about foster care and adoption. To remind myself that the kids in foster care need just as much love. To remind other that the foster parents need a lot of support to.

I got a lot of support yesterday. And I needed that. This week has been a bit more difficult. I've been a bit more impatient and frustrated and unsure about things in life. But the responses gave me peace. I was reminded, again, how big God is and that He is constantly at work during this time in our lives. You can never be reminded too much of how big He is.

God did something else yesterday. He worked on my heart some. I love and hate when He does that.

What He did yesterday was remind me of times when I've said hurtful things. He reminded me of times when I haven't been as excited for people as I should have been or wanted to be. He reminded me of times when I let my own junk get in the way. And He reminded me of the grace so many of those people have shown me.

I don't regret what I said yesterday. I think there isn't a lot of knowledge on foster care or adoption. There isn't a checklist that explains how to help and support people. And for many, foster care and adoption is something you don't talk about. It's a hard subject.

What I do regret is how I've reacted to some things people have said. While I've tried to educate, I've also spent a lot of time licking my wounds. I've spent a lot of time questioning my relationships. I've spent more time upset than I should have.

As this was all happening, I was on my way to dinner, at dinner with friends, and then on my way home from dinner. One of the girls posted on facebook, following dinner, about how grateful she was for how different our group was - filled with different strengths and passions. It had nothing to do with what I was working through, but it reminded me of how important words are.

Words can tear people down. Or they can build others up. I can't take back hurtful words I've said in the past. But I can always ask for forgiveness. And then I can move on - being excited for people in the new seasons of their lives and supportive of them. I can react to other people in the way they need - the way we all need. And I can hope that my joy for them will help them to be joyful for another person.

We need more grace in this world. I, for one, need to give more grace. It's something I struggle with on a daily basis. And it's something I will continue to struggle with. I've mentioned before never saying never again. I'm adding something to that. I don't ever want to say anything that is not affirming to another person. I want God to be in control of my words and my actions. I want to love people in a way that points back to Jesus - ALL people not just those who understand or support fostering.

I'm no better than anyone else. Truly. Sometimes I feel like I am more messed up than anyone else. Like I need Jesus more than anyone else does. And yet, I've been called to, alongside my husband, open my house up and care for children who have nowhere else to go. That boggles my mind because I honestly feel like I'm not cut out for this, like I am too jaded and hurt and enter any other adjectives you can think of. But He sees things differently.

I am so thankful for the people in my life who see me differently that I see myself. I am so thankful for the people who will come alongside me and rebuke me when I am wrong. For the people who remind me of how my words can cut and for the people who forgive me when I ask for it. I am so thankful for the people who stand beside us and support us. For the people who fight for us in prayer and seek to love us when we're often the most unloveable. I am so thankful for a husband who has the same heart and love for foster care, adoption and orphan care that I do.

Last night, after I had worked through most of this (but before it fully set it), I said something to my husband about buying gifts for other people when we're in this season of needing to fill our house with items for two children. And he told me to treat others the way I would want to be treated. That was a reminder I needed desperately. A reminder that came alongside me and whispered that the world would be a much better place if we all treated others the way we wanted to be treated. The people who love me the best make me want to love others in the same way. Those people are the ones I strive to be like. Those people are the ones I want to bless when it's their turn to start a family. Those people are the ones I want to live in community with. I just hope that from here on out I can be one of "those people" to others.

foster care & adoption - it's a JESUS thing (also known as why i may lose friends & followers)

Lately, I find myself struggling. It's not a bad struggle really. Rather it's a spiritual struggle. I'm trying to rectify what the Bible says with the way we live our lives.

The Bible calls us to be missional. The entire preface of the Bible, the story of the gospel, is for us to GO. We are called to talk to people, invite people into our lives. So much of my life has been spent not being missional. Sure I've worked in positions that allowed me to help people. I've been a social worker. I've fought for children and families. I've helped individuals get through the tangled web that is the foster care approval process. But I've done all those things as my job, as what I say I am called to. Still I've been able to clock out and leave it all behind.

Stepping out in faith and beginning the approval process for foster care has shattered my ability to leave it all behind. Instead, I'm constantly fired up. I'm ready to take on this challenge. I want to share my story with people. I get angry when people say things about wondering why we're fostering. And I get protective of the 9,000+ children in the state custody of Oklahoma.

This is why I went to work for the state right out of college. This is why God entwined my story with Justin's. This is why I've been placed at the church we attend.

My heart is for the orphan. All of them. For the children who are forgotten. For the children who have never been loved. For the children who need someone to fight for them. For the children who, at no fault of their own, have been born into situations more difficult than we can imagine. And I've tried to think of how to express my heart without hurting people's feelings. I've tried to be understanding that foster care is "new" to people we know. I've tried to accept that we are weird because of how we're growing our family.

I can't really do that anymore. I'm sick of being understanding. I'm sick of smiling through hurtful things people say and then crying when I get home. I'm sick of not calling people on their lack of care for the orphan. And I'm trying to figure out what to do with these feelings. I'm trying to come up with the words. It's hard, though, to summarize how I feel about all these things.

And so I've had writer's block. Because all I can think about is foster care and orphan care. I'm consumed with fear, excitement, and God's peace over inviting two children into our family. I'm distancing myself from people who don't support us because I simply find it hard to be around them. And I'm determined to make sure that these kids, the ones in our home and the others in custody, know that they are loved.

If people are going to say hurtful things to me, ask me questions that sting, chances are I won't want our kids around them. Because I refuse for any child to feel that they are less than simply because of how they joined our family. And I feel like a lot of people look at those of us who foster as less than. Which is not how it should be. (NOTE: We have a lot of wonderfully supportive people. I thank God for them every single day. We could not do this without them.)

Just because you don't give birth to a child does not make you less of a mother. Just because a child may leave your home does not make them less a part of your family. Just because we're not having a baby of our own right now does not mean we are not parents.

I could honestly go on and on. I know not everyone is called to foster or adopt. But everyone is called to care for the orphan. So if you aren't one who wants or could foster or adopt, then support those who are.

(PS: For those of you who don't know, we will have two children in our home by the middle of May. A teenager and a toddler. We start our classes in May, we finally got our initial house assessment approved, and all of our paperwork is turned in. Any questions about our decision to foster? Feel free to email me. Want to help us? Feel free to email me as well. We have quite a few needs as the children that are in foster care generally enter homes with nothing. Want to help in other ways? Feel free to email me. I can give you a whole list of ways to help in Oklahoma.)

i will wait for you

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thanks to the lovely laurie for capturing this photo

When we decided to build a house, we did so knowing that we weren't just building a house. We were building a home. And we knew that home would eventually be filled with children. We also agreed (IE: I decided) that we would wait at least a year to fill said house with children. I wanted to enjoy the house. I wanted to spend time in the house just the two of us.

They say that if you want God to laugh then all you need to do is tell Him your plans. I've made Him laugh a lot in my lifetime. And I know He was rolling on the floor in laughter when I vehemently said no to fostering any earlier. In fact, a year was stretching it for me. I wanted to wait until my age started with a 3.

A lot has happened over the past two months. And needless to say God has utterly ruined my life and my plans. I've had a lot of moments. And a lot of thoughts. And a lot of overwhelmingness. My husband has been a rock through it all, with little to no reaction, because he has just been waiting for me to be ready. For me to stop saying not right now or never going to happen.

We still have a long ways to go. And a lot of paperwork to get through. But hopefully in May we will have a few children in our house.

It's difficult because I won't be able to share a whole lot on the blog. We're planning to foster, and with foster care, there are a lot of rules of what you can and can not post. I know them well, and I know I have to follow them - even if it kills me not to share what is one of the most exciting times of our lives.

Here's what I can say. A situation has presented itself, and we know that now is the time. We've told our parents and our close friends. We've sought prayer and counsel from our church. We've prayed a LOT. And we've discussed the matter with the people this decision affects - the children we plan to bring into our home. And it's real now. All too real.

And I simply can not wait to be able to open our doors and have new additions to our family. They might not be in our home for long, but they will always be a part of our family.

So we need prayer. For my anxious heart because this waiting game is not one I am good at. For direction on how to move forward. For items like a convertible crib, bedding, dressers, high chairs, car seats, etc. For skills to parent.

After these two are gone, there will be more. I'm not sure if the more will come right from foster care for another temporary stay or if we'll look into more permament options. I just now that it's time.

So there you have it. We are parents to be - just not sure when. We are growing our family in the way we feel is right for us. We are listening to the call and burden God had placed on our hearts.

And we are more excited than I ever thought possible.

Have any questions about our decision to foster? Or want to know other ways you can help? Feel free to leave me a comment or send me an email. I'll do my best to answer all questions in a follow-up post (leaving out identifying information of course).

NOTE: This blog will not become a parenting or family blog at this time. I'll be keeping most stories to myself and our close circle to protect the children and our family - even though my heart is already bursting with excitement and a desire to talk about how wonderful these kids are.

(title from "i will wait" by mumford and sons)

sometimes God ruins your life

Lately, God is ruining my life. And I do mean ruining. Everything I once thought I wanted suddenly isn't what I want. The plans I've had for my life no longer exist. I still have plans, but they're different. The plans aren't mine at all. They're God's.

I've always had a love for foster care and adoption. I can remember being in my adolescence and dreaming about my life as an adult. My dream was to have a large ranch on the beach. And that large ranch would be used to house girls suffering and recovering from eating disorders. Or to house children who didn't have families. At that time, I didn't fully grasp the concept of foster care and adoption, but I still had a heart for it. God was placing dreams and visions and love for the marginalized and the forgotten; I just didn't realize it.

My heart has been swelling lately. I didn't think I would be ready for kids until I was at least 30. And I never knew if I would have a longing to hold a baby. I kind of thought I would always want to care for older children - children who were already potty trained. Because honestly? How do you even teach a child to use the toilet? I don't even know how I taught our dogs to go to the bathroom outside.

But God knew. He always knows. It's a bit annoying.

He knew that my heart would change. He probably cringed every time I said I would never want children. He also knew I would meet my husband, my perfect help mate who compliments me. He knew that things would come together in a timing that I will never fully comprehend.

I honestly feel an ache in my soul when I think about fostering and adopting. It brings tears to my eyes (and I'm not one to cry easily). It makes me feel like I will have a true and definable purpose. Almost like I was created to care for the forgotten and the marginalized.

Friends of ours are at the very end of being approved as foster parents, and they blessed us by asking if we would be willing to be approved as their alternate caregiver (someone who can care for the children in their home should the need arise). I didn't even ask Justin for his opinion; I simply said yes. It wasn't because I don't value his opinion. I do. But I knew what his answer would be.

On Tuesday morning, I sat down with the social worker in charge of approving our friend's home. We talked about my jobs and my life and my knee surgery. She kept asking questions about me and my husband. Because she wanted to know about our lives. Our story spoke to her.

But it wasn't our story. We play a part in it, but it's God's story. His story of fostering and adoption. His love for the least of these.

That day was a moment for me. It was as though God broke open the entire world and crashed into my living room to look directly in my face and say this is what you and Justin are created for.

When it's time, when we open up our home, we will love every single child with fierceness and joy. We will not replace their families, but they will become a part of our family. And we will love them for the rest of time.

While this has all been going on (God ruining our lives that is), I've been slowly making my way through the book 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess. It's all hit me. How much I consume and waste. How much I have and yet think I need more. And while I'm still not perfect (Target and JC Penney can attest to that), I'm realizing just how much I have that I don't need.

It's not just stuff, though. Stuff is something I need less of, but what has truly gripped me about the book is just how much the CHURCH has. Last night, I nestled into our bed with my Kindle and resumed reading when this passage jumped out at me: "If the modern church held to its biblical definition, we would become the answer to all that ails society."

That truth is offensive. But it is true. We as the modern church have so much, too much, and we continue to want more and consume more. But we aren't giving back. We aren't taking care of the least of these the way the Bible calls us to.

I have spent so much time lost in my faith. I struggle with knowing what to share and how to share it. I struggle with loving on people without mentioning the gospel because people need to be loved more instead of talked to about Christ. I've felt lost in churches. Confused by what we are or aren't doing as Christians to serve.

I alone can't change the church. I alone can't make people care for others. But I can follow where God leads my husband and I. I can love my husband and love children who feel they aren't wanted. I can open up my heart and my home and feel every single thing.

When I started this blog, I didn't know what I was doing with it. I didn't really know what I was doing with my life. IT morphed into more of a weight loss blog, and while I still plan to write on that topic (once I'm able to exercise again!), I feel like God is leading me to document my faith and the works He is doing.

I'm not sure where this all will take us or this blog. I have dreams that God is placing on my heart right now - dreams that He is also placing on my husband's heart. And we are praying over those and seeking His guidance. I'll share when I can.

I'm so glad He's ruining our lives. I'm so glad I'm letting Him ruin my life. Because for the first time in a while, I feel like I have purpose. I feel like I am actually walking in the light.


also linking up here!