my head alongside my heart

How is it that one event can simultaneously be one of the best things to ever happen to you and also one of the worst?

That one event for me, right now, is knee surgery. It might not be the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. (It's not.) And I am sure there may be many more worse things on their way. But right now, my life feels consumed by knee surgery.

It's been just over two months since I had the surgery. I thought that, by this time, I would be cranking out the miles on the stationary bicycle. That I would be showing off my newfound quadricep strength. That I would be back to work. But I am none of those things.

I rode the stationary bicycle for the first time on Monday. Eight minutes. No resistance, and I didn't spin fast enough for the monitor to come on and register that I was there pedaling away. In fact, it was hard. I could feel it in my IT Band and struggled not to compensate by letting my right foot due most of the work while my left foot flopped and moved so I wouldn't have to work so hard.

I'm not back at work. That makes me feel like a failure. Even worse I feel like I'm not making the most of my time off. I'm not writing as much as I should. I have lots of arts and crafts projects to work on. And yet, I find myself just sitting. I've had things to focus on but I haven't used the time to do things for myself or better myself. Rather I have almost punished myself for being off work. It's hard to do things I enjoy when I feel like I shouldn't be able to. Not sure if that makes any sense (it barely does to me).

I know that the knee surgery was necessary. One of the reasons this recovery is such a struggle is because I have needed the surgery for longer than I realized and for longer than I wanted to admit. My fall in December made it so there was no other choice, but I had ignored the signs for years prior.

And I know that one day I will be glad I had this knee surgery. When it's easier to participate in spin class (not that spin is ever easy). When I can go up the stairs using both legs. When I'm back to normal. When I don't have to worry about tripping and falling and feeling the agony of a dislocated, and then relocated, patella.

But right now, in the somewhat early morning while I waste a bit of time before physical therapy, I'm not glad. Right now I am struggling with the knee surgery. Right now I am fighting away fears that I'll never fully recover. Right now I find myself stuck in a place that I don't quite know how to get out of. Jen Hatmaker called it the duldrums, and I think that's what it is. Because there's no depression or anything like that. There's just a feeling of being stuck.

I've gained weight since the knee surgery. Not a lot by what the scale says. But it's still weight. And maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me, but I feel like it's obvious. It's a gain of about eight pounds. And for over two months of knee surgery recovery, two months of very little activity and too much Chik-Fil-A and macaroni and cheese, it's not a bad gain. But I want to stop the number from climbing any higher. I'm the one who has to stop it. Who needs to deal with the kitchen and refrigerator and ease of the drive-through.

And even though sometimes it feels like there is nothing but negativity stemming from the surgery and this recovery, I know there is good. I'm rested. More rested than I have been in over a year. I'm happy, in a lot of ways, with the direction our life is taking. Announcing our plan to become parents and then seeing the progress that is slowly being made has been good for me. It's been a reminder that things are happening.

I'm realizing more and more what my passions are. I know what issues get me riled up. And I've rediscovered a strength to fight those issues. I want to share my passions with people and with the Church. I want to remind everyone of how important the issues are and of the positions we are all in to do something about those issues.

And I'm gaining courage. Not a lot just yet (or I probably wouldn't be struggling with the duldrums) but enough to spur me on and remind me that I can do this and that God's hand is in all of it. Enough for me to step out of my comfort zone and allow Him to take over on certain issues. Enough for me to really wonder and dream of certain things. Enough for me to fully open myself up to possibilities I had ignored for a long time.

I still don't know what all of this means for my blog. I have plenty of weight left to lose. And I need to do something about losing it. I've been complacent and taken a back seat to it for a long time. That means I need to truly deal with the issues of why I haven't lost the weight. It's not as simple as me cleaning out my refrigerator and buying produce. I know that about myself. I don't want my blog to be only about weight loss. Because, for me, that would lead me into an unhealthy relationship with myself and with food. I refuse to let that happen.

I also don't want my blog to only be about parenting or foster care. Though those things are important. However, there's not a lot I could share, and therefore the blog would remain silent.

I also don't think I can write a blog dedicated entirely to faith. Yes, my faith runs throughout the posts and is always there, but I don't think I could come up with enough content to always write about it. Because I have days when I just struggle.

Maybe it will be a combination of it all. A better reflection of my life as a whole. We'll see. Right now, my life is recovery. Right now, my life is fighting the duldrums. Right now, my life is waiting.

(title from "i will wait" by mumford and sons)

i will wait for you

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thanks to the lovely laurie for capturing this photo

When we decided to build a house, we did so knowing that we weren't just building a house. We were building a home. And we knew that home would eventually be filled with children. We also agreed (IE: I decided) that we would wait at least a year to fill said house with children. I wanted to enjoy the house. I wanted to spend time in the house just the two of us.

They say that if you want God to laugh then all you need to do is tell Him your plans. I've made Him laugh a lot in my lifetime. And I know He was rolling on the floor in laughter when I vehemently said no to fostering any earlier. In fact, a year was stretching it for me. I wanted to wait until my age started with a 3.

A lot has happened over the past two months. And needless to say God has utterly ruined my life and my plans. I've had a lot of moments. And a lot of thoughts. And a lot of overwhelmingness. My husband has been a rock through it all, with little to no reaction, because he has just been waiting for me to be ready. For me to stop saying not right now or never going to happen.

We still have a long ways to go. And a lot of paperwork to get through. But hopefully in May we will have a few children in our house.

It's difficult because I won't be able to share a whole lot on the blog. We're planning to foster, and with foster care, there are a lot of rules of what you can and can not post. I know them well, and I know I have to follow them - even if it kills me not to share what is one of the most exciting times of our lives.

Here's what I can say. A situation has presented itself, and we know that now is the time. We've told our parents and our close friends. We've sought prayer and counsel from our church. We've prayed a LOT. And we've discussed the matter with the people this decision affects - the children we plan to bring into our home. And it's real now. All too real.

And I simply can not wait to be able to open our doors and have new additions to our family. They might not be in our home for long, but they will always be a part of our family.

So we need prayer. For my anxious heart because this waiting game is not one I am good at. For direction on how to move forward. For items like a convertible crib, bedding, dressers, high chairs, car seats, etc. For skills to parent.

After these two are gone, there will be more. I'm not sure if the more will come right from foster care for another temporary stay or if we'll look into more permament options. I just now that it's time.

So there you have it. We are parents to be - just not sure when. We are growing our family in the way we feel is right for us. We are listening to the call and burden God had placed on our hearts.

And we are more excited than I ever thought possible.

Have any questions about our decision to foster? Or want to know other ways you can help? Feel free to leave me a comment or send me an email. I'll do my best to answer all questions in a follow-up post (leaving out identifying information of course).

NOTE: This blog will not become a parenting or family blog at this time. I'll be keeping most stories to myself and our close circle to protect the children and our family - even though my heart is already bursting with excitement and a desire to talk about how wonderful these kids are.

(title from "i will wait" by mumford and sons)

investing my life

Saturday was a big day in our house. One of the biggest since I had knee surgery in January. It left me excited for the future and utterly exhausted.

It started because I was bored. Beyond bored really. There's only so much Private Practice that a girl can watch until 10+ episodes a day gets to be too much. There's only so many different positions I can sit in over the course of a day.

We had plans that night to go out for dinner with an older couple from our church, but until then there were multiple hours to get through.

For some time, my husband and I have discussed the need for a new laptop or computer of some sort. Our plan originally was to purchase a PC a few months back, but then I hurt my knee and one of our dogs had to have surgery. We kept putting the purchase off and trying to make it with just my 7-year-old MacBook.

That all changed on Saturday. We simply couldn't do it any longer. Between overheating, the mousepad not working properly and a lot of first world frustrations, we knew it was time. Time to move forward. Time to invest in our future endeavors.

After some shopping around, and a lot of talking it over, we headed to the mall - me on my crutches and my husband excited that we got to park in disabled parking - and made one of the larger purchases of our married life.

I know it's an object. And that nothing is tied to it. I could have edited and written on my old MacBook. But something about having a new shiny MacBook Pro has inspired me. Rather than losing all understanding of how quickly the day passes while watching television, I've spent my time on the computer lost in the world of manuscripts and blogging.

During college, I wrote a lot. Most of it was for fun, but much of it was also for classes. I took courses in communication that demanded papers. My major was professional writing which meant I had to complete an entire novel in the course of a semester. While taking English classes, I wrote short story after short story. I also submitted pieces to an online publication.

I was committed to my degree then. I was invested in writing. And I always thought it would be that way.

But a funny thing happens when you graduate from college. At least a funny thing happened to me. The dreams I once had, while still very real, took a back seat to the life I saw in front of me. Rather than write stories, I wrote court reports. Rather than spend time working on submissions, I dedicated time to treatment plans. I still talked about writing as my dream job, but I didn't do anything to turn that dream into a reality.

It only got worse as the years passed. While I always felt more myself when writing, I simply decided I no longer had the time to do it. I chose to spend my time on other tasks... Tasks I deemed more important.

The time I've had off work has changed my thoughts. I've been drawn back into the world of writing and editing and creativity. I've realized how much a part of me the written word is and just how empty I have been without it.

So this purchase of a new Macbook Pro solidifies my commitment to writing and to myself. Once I'm back at work, I won't have the time to write as I do now. So until I return to work, I'm going to dedicate my days to writing and blogging and creativity.

We discussed our purchase over dinner. We also discussed my writing. I have a desire to write stories that mean something to people. I want my words to impact someone's life in such a way that they are left forever altered. I want my work and my art to point back to a Creator who is so much more than I ever will be.

Talking with our friends, I was hit by God's grace. They shared stories about their daughter who is a professor in theatre and how she has a desire to see more Christians on stage. How she has a desire to help Christians escape doing just Christian theatre. It hit me then how much I have a desire to write but not to write Christian fiction.

I want to write in a way that reaches the mainstream. I want the stories to be relatable and entertaining. But at the end of the way, I want the stories to remind people that they are not the end all be all. I want my stories to elicit a wonder in people that makes them think about things more important than worldly possessions and comparisons to others.

So that's what I've been doing. Working on one incomplete manuscript and editing another manuscript to send off to a beta reader.

Without this knee surgery, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have this time to dedicate to writer if not for an extensive surgery. Had I been able to go back to work after a week, as first (and stupidly) planned, I would still be living a life without actual words. There would be talk of writing but not actual writing.

We prayed about it on Saturday night. Me, my husband, and our friends. And in that moment, I felt it. This reminder that I've been given a dream of being a writer for a reason. This reminder that God is working to provide a way for me to just write.

These reminders continued throughout the weekend. Not just reminders about writing. But reminders of God's timing. His timing with my knee surgery, with our moving to a different church, with purchasing our new house, and with a few other things.

And I also remembered how important it is for me to be engaged. If I am not engaged in my life or my walk, then I can't grow. I won't see Him working. I'll miss all the beautiful things He does. I'll miss the future He is calling me to and instead settle for whatever I see in front of me at that time. I'll miss the provisions He is giving me.

There have been so many provisions during this time. Do I miss being mobile and busy? In a lot of ways, yes. Do I miss being independent? Yes very much so. Do I miss spin class and the elliptical? Yes. But when I had all those things, I also missed writing. I just didn't realize it until I had it back in my life.

The MacBook Pro is an object. But it is also an investment. Just like a gym membership is an investment and running shoes are an investment. And it's not the last investment I will make either. It's the first of many. Because from now on, I will be investing in myself and my life.

Linking up with Mercy Ink Blog for Heart and Home!

it is my fault my own mistake

I’ve been doing a lot of research lately. About knee injuries and plantar fasciitis to be exact. I want to know what causes patella’s to dislocate. I want to know why my heel hurts so much in the mornings. I want to know what I can do to stop further damage by osteoarthritis.

Some of the information I’ve found has been expected. Other information… the majority of the information… has been exactly what I did not want to find.

what i struggle with includes cirrhosis, gallbladder disease, osteoarthritis

Obesity has been a cause for everything I am struggling with right now. Obesity can lead to plantar fasciitis and to ortheoarthritis in the knees. It’s also the reason I was sick for so long with issues of the liver.

I shouldn’t have to struggle with this many health issues at 27. No one should. But I made choices that led to gaining too much weight, and that weight has led to all these health issues.

You would think knowing what I do about health issues would make it easier to stick to a healthy living plan and to lose the weight once and for all. But obesity is so much more than pounds needing to be lost. It’s a change in mind set and a change in how to deal with everyday life and stress.

The past few weeks, and the mountains of research, have forced myself to take a good hard look at myself. When you’re dealing with a knee injury that won’t allow you to walk up the stairs normally or climb into your tall bed without the help of a step stool, it’s impossible not to look at your life and how you’re living it.

It’s been hard to really come to grips with the fact that I am the reason for all these injuries. Yes, I was born with bad knees as evidenced by the knee surgery I had in junior high, but I could have prevented future injuries by treating myself and my body right. By making better choices instead of making bad choices that led to piling on the pounds.

I want to blame all these injuries and sicknesses on genetics. But my genes are good. No one in my family has any of the illnesses or injuries I do. If I can't blame genetics, I want to blame bad luck; I did that for quite some time but when the injuries and sickness continue, it gets harder and harder to blame just bad luck.

Sitting and wallowing in a hurt knee, unhealthy liver levels, and a painful heel won't do anything for me but keep me from moving on. Pretending like the injuries and illnesses are no big deal also will only keep me from moving on. I have to face the truth and see, truly see, what I have done to myself so that I can move on.

By turning to food and eating more than I needed, I've caused unneccesary stress and harm to my body. I've kept myself from being physically fit. And I've discouraged myself from dealing with the stresses of life. I've allowed myself to remain the "fat friend" and have never let myself truly discover who I am. I've also kept friends, family and my husband at arm's length.

I don't want that anymore. I want true, honest and meaningful relationships. I want to allow myself to discover who I really am and to see myself as more than a number of the scale or an image in the mirror. I've wanted those things before, but I've never looked at all the negative reprecussions obesity caused.

So how do I move forward? Slowly.

I've done this a lot in the past. Weight loss is so often a journey of two steps forward and one step back. Maybe it's more like one step forward and two steps back. No matter what, I move forward - slowly.

Here are my current slow steps:

1. I am going to allow myself time to heal. I will not beat myself up for the injuries and sickness. Beating myself up will only make me want to turn back to food. Instead I am viewing this as an opportunity to become the strongest I can possibly be.
2. I am going to honestly track what I eat and stay under my calorie goals. I might even attemp Weight Watchers. Paying for the meetings and for the online membership scares me, but I know the program works. I joined once in high school and lost a good amount of weight.
3. I am going to forever break up with diet sodas. I did this following my appointment with the orthopedic surgeon and the discovery of a bone spur on my patella (as well as my husband's sweet, not so subtle urging). They are bad for me. Both because they make me want to eat more and because of how they eat away bone.
4. I am going to find a work out I love and do it regularly. I might have to build up working out slowly again. But I will do it.
5. I am going to bring snacks to work and eat breakfast every single morning. My snacks are going to include fresh fruit and other healthy foods.
6. I am going to make myself a priority and love myself - struggles and all.

And I am going to continue to blog. Blogging helps so much. It's easier to stay on track when I'm documenting my thoughts, my struggles, and my successes. Some of my posts may be repetitive since I struggle with the same stumbling blocks over and over. And it might not be the most inspirational weight loss site. But it will be a space all my own - a reminder of how far I have come and also how far I have to go.

(title from "learn me right" by mumford and sons)

 

now i'll be bold as well as strong

Today I start over - yet again.

I keep telling myself that I've got this. I know what to eat and how much to eat. I understand how important exercise is and that nutrition is even more important. I've seen the number on the scale shrink along with my waistline. But I still let myself trip up.

It just takes one time for me. One diet coke. One order of Chicken McNuggets. Just one and all my hard work is forgotten as I eat McDondald's for a second, third, fourth, and fifth time. Just one, and I forget how much I need water and instead want nothing more than a huge, ice cold diet coke.

Some people can enjoy those things in moderation. Maybe one day I will be a some people. But today I am not.

The past few weeks have been some of the hardest I've experience recently. We moved out of our house and in with my in-laws. The move was quick, and we anticipated the closing on our house - the official end to one chapter of our lives. But instead, the closing has been pushed back five times and we continue to wait to sign on the dotted line and hand the keys over to the new owners,

I've worked more than normal. While 60 hour work weeks aren't easy, I adjusted to them and they became my new normal. But the past few weeks have brought 70+ hour work weeks, and I simply can not adjust. I've spent most of my weekends sleeping in and napping. Thankfully I've been able to work week adjust and stay home late some of the mornings. I think that's been the only saving grace.

And exercise? What is that? I did so well for so long. I decided to invest in myself and hired a personal trainer. I could feel and see the differences just a few weeks in, but then one evening, after an especially grueling session of step-ups and squats, I sat down on the step for a break and almost cried. Something was wrong with my knee.

It didn't hurt when I walked - only when I bent it. We took it easy for the rest of that session and the one following that. Then over a week went by with no work outs. I had what is commonly called runners knee, also known as iliotibial band syndrome.

To me it was my worst fears coming true. And I fell apart. The busyness, the lack of a closing, being injured.. it was all too much. So I turned inward and let myself seek comfort in diet coke and food that did nothing good for my body or my soul.

Through it all, I've prayed. I've sought guidance from the Lord and asked for strength. There have been lots of tears, but He has met me where I am. Now it is time for me to meet Him where He is waiting for me.

So I am back on track. Sitting at my computer and writing. Reading blogs I've just barely glanced at in a month. Signing up to do guest posts. Purchasing fruit from the grocery store. Promising myself that I'll once again drink unsweet tea with lots of lemon or water and not diet coke. Reminding myself that I've come too far to go back to where I started.

And hoping that maybe there are others who understand, other who struggle, others who will recommit with me.

I know I have to have a plan or else I'll be back where I started today. My lifestyle is hectic and makes it difficult to cook and plan every meal but not impossible. Nothing is impossible if I set my mind to it.

With that in mind, my plan is this:

I need to simply remember. Remember why I want this. Why it is important. Why I can not and will not give up. Because it's not going to stop being hard. My life is not going to stop being busy. Only I can change my perspective. Only I can be disciplined enough to remember and never forget. Only I can be disciplined enough to keep going even when it seems I am doing nothing right and it seems like the hard work will never pay off. Because one day the hard work will be worth it. One day I will be a success story. One day I will look back at this moment and know that I did it because I chose to be disciplined.

(title from "i will wait" by mumford & sons)

lend me your hand

Time spent just with my husband seems to diminish with every passing week. We both spend most our time working, and when the weekends fall, we do our best to fit in everything we possibly can. The memories are wonderful and the friendships invaluable, but we also know we need time spent just with each other.

That's how we spent the majority of the weekend. Just him and I. We both had to work for several hours on Saturday, but once we were done working, we left the city as quickly as possible.

 

I feel so refreshed now. It's amazing what 24 hours in Oklahoma paradise can acomplish.


The getaway was at a local bed and breakfast called The Guest House. The owners advertise it as Norman, OK's most comlete bed and breakfast. And it is. There's a pool, a wooded trail to explore, a full kitchen, an amazing walk-in shower and jacuzzi tub, and the Oklahoma paradise.

We enjoyed every square inch of the bed and breakfast - starting the weekend off with a dip in the pool and then finishing it this afternoon with a hike through the wooded trail.

We contemplated going out for dinner, and I went so far as to pack a nice dress. But settling onto the couch to watch a movie, eat pizza, and drink beer sounded better than dinner and drinks at a local wine bar. So we did the one thing we never seem to do at home: relax.

The time spent in Oklahoma paradise provided a perfect backdrop for us to reconnect and discuss the future. So much is up in the air as we work to put our current house on the market and contemplate where we want to live next and what we want next out of our life.

We know that no matter what happens it will be God's plan. I have so much more faith and confidence in that. Because while we do want to move on from this house, we can also take comfort in staying here if that is the plan. We've put a lot of work into the house recently, and it's made the house feel so much more like a home. Crazy what lots of elbow grease and focused attention can do.

Spending the weekend with my husband made me appreciate the life we have now and also made me appreciate the life we will have in a year or two or twenty.

We laughed more this weekend that we have in quite some time. We cuddled more and held hands more. We kissed more. And we talked so much more.

Our dreams are the same in many ways. The future we want is the same. How we both want to get there might be different, and there are lots of discussions currently happening (and also waiting to happen) about where we want our future to occur. But the gist of it all is in line with both of our wants and needs.

During many of our talks, he asked about timelines. How quickly would I want to pursue adoption or foster care? My answer was when I am 30 - so in three years. Because while we are much closer to where we need to be, we still have so much left to figure out. I feel like we're getting closer each and every day but need to survive our 20's before adding more to it all.

We'll get there. Whether there includes a new house in 2012 or not. Whether there means staying here or moving miles away. Whether there means writing for money or not yet pursuing that dream. Whether there entails hectic weeks of work or somehow diminishing the time spent working. We'll get there - just he and I and our two dogs (who stayed at home while we discovered Oklahoma paradise).

(title from "awake my soul" by mumford and sons)

plant your hope with good seeds

This weekend was a combination of good and bad, happy and sad. I have so many questions and thoughts, hopes and dreams, desires and needs, prayers floating in my head. I feel like I have come so far. And then I am daunted by how far I have to go.

It's been over 6 months since I took the first step towards the new me. 6 months of running through past hurts and lies. 6 months of turning to other people instead of to food or into myself. 6 months of opening myself up to the world and learning how to let go.

Sometimes I think "I've got this" and "Nothing can stop me." Other times I still want to crawl back under the covers and stay hidden in my house.

I don't know if I'll ever not feel like hiding at least some of the time. I don't know if anyone ever feels like they can face every single day without fear. But if someone does, I'd really like to know how and to tap into that strength.

But no matter how I feel, I know that I have come so far already. Yes there are many more months to go. And yes, I hope to lose another 69.2 pounds. Yes, I still have a lot of dreams to chase. And more dreams to dream.

I'm scared of the dreams I have. Of the knocking I feel on my heart to tell evey ounce of my story. To share all of the things that brought me here. To actually be a writer and finish an entire.

And I'll probably fall and scrape my knees and bloody my hands (again and again), but I will get up every time and keep going. And I'll write the book - no matter how scared I am.

Saturday night.

Monday morning.

After all, I've already lost 29.8 pounds. If I can do that, I am pretty sure I can do just about anything else.

(title from "thistles & weeds" by mumford and sons)