my head alongside my heart

How is it that one event can simultaneously be one of the best things to ever happen to you and also one of the worst?

That one event for me, right now, is knee surgery. It might not be the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. (It's not.) And I am sure there may be many more worse things on their way. But right now, my life feels consumed by knee surgery.

It's been just over two months since I had the surgery. I thought that, by this time, I would be cranking out the miles on the stationary bicycle. That I would be showing off my newfound quadricep strength. That I would be back to work. But I am none of those things.

I rode the stationary bicycle for the first time on Monday. Eight minutes. No resistance, and I didn't spin fast enough for the monitor to come on and register that I was there pedaling away. In fact, it was hard. I could feel it in my IT Band and struggled not to compensate by letting my right foot due most of the work while my left foot flopped and moved so I wouldn't have to work so hard.

I'm not back at work. That makes me feel like a failure. Even worse I feel like I'm not making the most of my time off. I'm not writing as much as I should. I have lots of arts and crafts projects to work on. And yet, I find myself just sitting. I've had things to focus on but I haven't used the time to do things for myself or better myself. Rather I have almost punished myself for being off work. It's hard to do things I enjoy when I feel like I shouldn't be able to. Not sure if that makes any sense (it barely does to me).

I know that the knee surgery was necessary. One of the reasons this recovery is such a struggle is because I have needed the surgery for longer than I realized and for longer than I wanted to admit. My fall in December made it so there was no other choice, but I had ignored the signs for years prior.

And I know that one day I will be glad I had this knee surgery. When it's easier to participate in spin class (not that spin is ever easy). When I can go up the stairs using both legs. When I'm back to normal. When I don't have to worry about tripping and falling and feeling the agony of a dislocated, and then relocated, patella.

But right now, in the somewhat early morning while I waste a bit of time before physical therapy, I'm not glad. Right now I am struggling with the knee surgery. Right now I am fighting away fears that I'll never fully recover. Right now I find myself stuck in a place that I don't quite know how to get out of. Jen Hatmaker called it the duldrums, and I think that's what it is. Because there's no depression or anything like that. There's just a feeling of being stuck.

I've gained weight since the knee surgery. Not a lot by what the scale says. But it's still weight. And maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me, but I feel like it's obvious. It's a gain of about eight pounds. And for over two months of knee surgery recovery, two months of very little activity and too much Chik-Fil-A and macaroni and cheese, it's not a bad gain. But I want to stop the number from climbing any higher. I'm the one who has to stop it. Who needs to deal with the kitchen and refrigerator and ease of the drive-through.

And even though sometimes it feels like there is nothing but negativity stemming from the surgery and this recovery, I know there is good. I'm rested. More rested than I have been in over a year. I'm happy, in a lot of ways, with the direction our life is taking. Announcing our plan to become parents and then seeing the progress that is slowly being made has been good for me. It's been a reminder that things are happening.

I'm realizing more and more what my passions are. I know what issues get me riled up. And I've rediscovered a strength to fight those issues. I want to share my passions with people and with the Church. I want to remind everyone of how important the issues are and of the positions we are all in to do something about those issues.

And I'm gaining courage. Not a lot just yet (or I probably wouldn't be struggling with the duldrums) but enough to spur me on and remind me that I can do this and that God's hand is in all of it. Enough for me to step out of my comfort zone and allow Him to take over on certain issues. Enough for me to really wonder and dream of certain things. Enough for me to fully open myself up to possibilities I had ignored for a long time.

I still don't know what all of this means for my blog. I have plenty of weight left to lose. And I need to do something about losing it. I've been complacent and taken a back seat to it for a long time. That means I need to truly deal with the issues of why I haven't lost the weight. It's not as simple as me cleaning out my refrigerator and buying produce. I know that about myself. I don't want my blog to be only about weight loss. Because, for me, that would lead me into an unhealthy relationship with myself and with food. I refuse to let that happen.

I also don't want my blog to only be about parenting or foster care. Though those things are important. However, there's not a lot I could share, and therefore the blog would remain silent.

I also don't think I can write a blog dedicated entirely to faith. Yes, my faith runs throughout the posts and is always there, but I don't think I could come up with enough content to always write about it. Because I have days when I just struggle.

Maybe it will be a combination of it all. A better reflection of my life as a whole. We'll see. Right now, my life is recovery. Right now, my life is fighting the duldrums. Right now, my life is waiting.

(title from "i will wait" by mumford and sons)

this month is my month

Last night, after attending a 16-year-old's sweet 16, we went grocery shopping. $100 later and enough food to last us for a week-and-a-half, we stopped for dinner at Sonic. I ordered a double cheeseburger and tater tots. I knew it was bad for me. I just didn't know how bad.

There are 30 PointsPlus in a double cheeseburger. 30 PointsPlus. That's almost an entire days worth of PointsPlus. And the calories? There are 900 calories in the double cheeseburger.

At one point, I would have forgotten to log my PointsPlus. And my calories. But I made a promise to myself to be honest. So I logged all of it. The points on WeightWatchers tracker and the calories on MyFitnessPal. And I promised myself that the next day would be better.

I don't know I'll do with staying under 1550 calories every day or staying within 36 PointsPlus every day. But I do know that I want to make better choices. It's why I made a sandwich for lunch today and ate it along with an orange and yogurt. It's why I have Zesty Italian CrockPot Chicken cooking right now. It's why I can't wait to make my lunch and dinner tomorrow and the day after that.

I found out on Tuesday that it's going to be another month until I can go back to working my full-time job. At least another month. Hopefully just another month. Another month of physical therapy three times a week. Another month of being at home during the week.

Before the doctor's appointment, I was down. I felt defeated. But after talking with the doctor, and hearing him say I'm healing well, I feel excited. My quadricep muscles were worthless before the surgery. And now, with the surgery and subsequent physical therapy, there's a good chance that I will heal and be strong.

So I am taking this month for myself. I am taking this month to rest more. I am taking this month to write. I am taking this month to cook and track. I am taking this month to pray. I am taking this month to think about what I want. I am taking this month to enjoy the simple things.

I am taking this month instead of letting it take me.

weight loss wednesday (week 23)

Starting Weight: 265 lbs.

Goal Weight: 155 lbs.

Today’s Weight: 222.6 lbs.

Total Loss: 42.2 lbs.

I've gained 1.4 pounds since knee surgery. While I wanted to make it through knee surgery with no weight gain, I understand why I've gained some. Recovery means I have been the majority of my time on the couch. I'm happy that I haven't gained more than 1.4 pounds when I easily could have gained several more pounds.

It's still hard to know exactly what I weigh as I have a brace on my left knee and hold onto crutches to keep my balance.

Pounds Left To Lose: 66.4 lbs.

What I craved this week: If you follow me on Instagram, then you know I've been craving Fruit Loops. That's my favorite cereal, and it has hit the spot every single time I've eaten it. I've also enjoyed a few frozen yogurt twists from Braum's this week.

What I noticed was different about my body:  I'm continuing to get stronger. Slowly, ever so slowly, but still stronger. On Tuesday, I spent the entire day at home by myself, and I managed to get dressed on my home, take a little sponge bath, and take care of my hair with dry shampoo. It doesn't sound like much, and I would have much rather taken an actual shower and washed my hair with real shampoo and conditioner, but it was a lot.

I'm proud of how far I have come over the past few days. Now I just need to ensure I am able to get into the front of one of our cars, so I can head back to work on Thursday.

Workouts planned for this week: No specific work outs planned, but I do have my first physical therapy session scheduled for 8:15am today.

I'm excited to start physical therapy and begin the road to recovery. I'm also excited because the physical therapist I will be working with has a special interest in fitness and enjoys working with athletes of any age.

I've decided to consider myself an athlete from now on. Because that is ultimately what I have spent the past few years working toward. Yes, I want to lose over 100 pounds. But more than that, I want to change my life.

I want to learn how to ride a bike and then ride said bike for miles and miles. I want to dive into a pool and work myself up to racing and winning races. I want to spend my weekends doing 5Ks. I want to be fit and strong and not overwhelmed in the gym.

Personal Goal(s) for this week: My goals for this week are the same as last week. I want to remain focused. Focused on future work outs. Focused on eating well this week. Focused on drinking lots of water. Focused on being positive. Focused on not giving up.

I also want to be able to get into the front of a car. I tried on Tuesday night and was almost able to, but my legs are a bit too long. It was frustrating. And I got angry. My husband reminded me again that this is a time of testing and that I need to be patient and to trust in the process and trust in God. I need to remember that this week and to be joyful in all circumstances instead of instantly becoming angry.

Favorite Quote(s) for this week:

Thanks again to Sam at The Ruby Turtle Hippie Times for this format. I am linking up with her, and you should too!

weight loss wednesday (week 20)

Starting Weight: 265 lbs.

Goal Weight: 155 lbs.

Today’s Weight: 221.8 lbs.

Total Loss: 43.2 lbs.

No weight lost this week. It's honestly expected. Between swollen knees, eating my feelings a bit more than normal, and it being that time of the month, weight loss was almost impossible. But I maintained. And maintenance deserves to be celebrated as well!

Pounds Left To Lose: 66.8 lbs.

What I craved this week: I still craved comfort food, and I ate it. I kept telling myself and everyone around me that I had the Weekly Points to use. And then I used all my weekly points by the end of the day Monday. Not that has stopped me from eating TWO bread bowls at Panera this week... There's 15 points in the bread bowl alone.

What I noticed was different about my body:  I'm having a hard time with body image this week. All I can see is swollen ankles, swollen knees, arms losing muscle definition, shrinking boobs.. But I know that everything will even out in the end.

And I know that I am beautiful. I can't trust the image I see in the mirror.
Workouts planned for this week: None.
My surgery is in nine days. I'm hurting because of the cold and using my other leg to compensate for my left knee. So there is no gym. I have been walking more, though, and I logged almost an hour of activity last week.

Soon I won't be able to walk, so I am enjoying being on my feet as much as I can. And I am ignoring the pain as much as I can. I'll be resting soon enough.

Personal Goal(s) for this week:
 Last week, I wanted to use my Weekly Points wisely. That didn't happen. My attitude took a nosedive, so I want to get back to having a better attitude.

I know recovery is going to be difficult and painful. I also know I will likely gain some weight back. And I know that the surgery is only the beginning.

But I also know there is no reason to be defeated. I've had surgery before. And I have recovered before. In the past, my attitude was not as good as it is right now. I am hopeful of how well recovery will go with an improved attitude.

Food is going to be the only way I lose weight over the next several weeks. So I need to focus on healthy items. Time to stock my freezer with Yoplait smoothies! I can pretend like I am eating lots of ice cream and enjoy 16 ounce smoothies for 6 PointsPlus total!

And I think this will be a wonderful opportunity to look at food as nutrition - not as a response to life. I want to love fruits and vegetables by the end of this recovery.

Favorite Quote(s) for this week: "The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

Thanks again to Sam at The Ruby Turtle Hippie Times for this format. I am linking up with her, and you should too!

weight loss wednesday (week 19)

Today’s Weight: 221.8 lbs.

Total Loss: 43.2 lbs.

I lost 1.2 pounds this week. It might be more, but I think my body is still getting rid of the iodine that was pumped into my knee Monday for my MRI.

What I craved this week: Comfort food like macaroni and cheese or pizza or pasta of any kind. That's what I really wanted for dinner on Monday night, but I didn't eat it. I got close, but my husband helped to keep me accountable.

What I noticed was different about my body:  My face seems smaller. I can see a little more definition around my waist also. I took measurements about two weeks ago, so I am excited to take more measurements and see what difference there is.

Workouts planned for this week: I haven't made it back to the gym this week. I've been a bit scared. I had plans to go Monday and Tuesday, but then I slept in Monday morning. And after my MRI, I could barely handle bending my knee it was so filled with fluid.

I have been more active this week. We were out walking around for most of the weekend, and I was able to keep up. I may never be able to really run again (or at least not for awhile), but I am walking more!

Personal Goal(s) for this week: I start over on my PointsPlus Friday. I want the next week to be one where I use the Weekly PointsPlus wisely. I don't want to just spend them all to spend them all. I've done better this week, but I am down to 0 for the remaining two days. Which is okay. I can find plenty of healthy options to eat that don't make me go over my daily PointsPlus allowance.

Favorite Quote(s) for this week: "In order to have any chance of success, I've learned that you have to accept yourself and let go of past failures or weaknesses that have been holding you back. It's important to look forward, not backward--to get really clear on your future and what you want it to be. It's not written in stone. Once you know what you want your life to look like, you can figure out how to make it happen." --Ali Vincent, Believe It Be It

Thanks again to Sam at The Ruby Turtle Hippie Times for this format. I am linking up with her, and you should too!

weight loss wednesday (week 14)

Today’s Weight: 216 lbs.

Total Loss: 49 lbs.

(Somehow I lost a total of THREE POUNDS over the last week! I'm honestly shocked given the amount of stress in my life right now. It's all good stress, but still it is stress. I'm just hoping the loss isn't a fluke and that I don't gain the weight back over the next week.)

What I craved this week: I don't know if there have been all that many cravings, but I do know that I have not made the best decisions when it comes to food. My life is very unsettled right now. I have no idea where any of our silverware is. I also don't know where my Crock Pot is. Needless to say, we've eaten out a lot. Pizza one night, Taco Bueno another night.. My choices have not always been the best, but they have been better than in the past. I'm off work Thursday afternoon and all day Friday, so I am hopeful about getting the rest of the house unpacked and put away.

What I noticed was different about my body: I can tell my love handles are ever so slowly disappearing. My thighs are also getting smaller. In the morning, my stomach is flatter, but then, depending on food choices, my stomach is more bloated. I think my face is also getting smaller. It is almost like I have a neck and a chin now.

I finally bought orthotics for my feet. And as much as I hate to admit it, they are helping. My plantar fascitis is still killing me, but I am doing what I can to make it better. Rolling my feet on an ice cold can helps a lot after a hard day.

What do you think? Where can you tell the most that I've lost weight? Or can you tell? Sometimes (okay.. MOST of the time) it is so hard to see the progress in yourself when you look in the mirror.

Workouts planned for this week: Work outs.. What are those?

Between closing and moving and trying to unpack, as well as dealing with little hiccups in the house [like no hot water], I have not been to the gym. I'm hoping to get into a routine next week that will allow me to work out regularly.  I know how important exercise is, but until I am settled in my house, it's hard to focus on anything else.

But I do have a designated work out room. So I need to start using it to work out. I am considering joining Jena, Meghan, and Sar on the 30-Day Shred. But I am terrified. I've done the 30-Day Shred before (though I never finished) and it is super hard. I might need some inspiration and motivation to get it done! And support.

Personal Goal(s) for this week: I want to get unpacked. I honestly think unpacking and settling into my house will help so much. It will clear my mind and allow me to see myself as truly living in our house. Right now it feels like a dream.

I also want to start drinking more water again. I do well for a few weeks, and then coffee comes calling. After coffee, diet coke starts knocking on ym door. And I am just too polite to say no to either.
Favorite Quote(s) for this week:

What I'm looking forward to: I am so excited for the next few weeks. My parents are coming to visit soon. I'm taking more time off work than I have in a very long time. All of these things are wonderful, but I also know they could help to deter me off the weight loss path. I want to prove to myself that I can enjoy the holidays without compromising on my health.

I don't think I will be in one-derland by Christmas. Though it would be amazing if I were. So I am focusing on being in one-derland by the beginning of 2013.

How are you doing this week? Tell me about it in the comments. I would love to know!

it's always me

skinny face in the bright november sun.

On Sunday afternoon, my husband and I left the house for an afternoon date to Starbucks. We had talked about taking the dogs on a walk or going to a local nature park, but coffee, Wi-Fi, and reading outside all sounded better.

I've somehow lost the pound I regained in the midst of the holiday festivities. It's more of a miracle than anything else because I have spent more time on the couch over the four-day weekend than I have moving around.

I have considered exercising - every single day. But the more the hours tick by the less likely I am to head to the gym or leash up a dog for a walk. Thursday was a fluke as I took two walks - one with a dog and one without.

During the work week, it's easier. I do my best to head to the gym before 5pm and fit in a sweat session. Then I'll, on most days, make my way to my second job. Of course, I'm not sure how much good those sweat sessions do as I tend to graze a bit more than I might at home.

Not that I don't graze at home. Because I do. That seems to be my biggest problem of late: staying beneath the calorie goal. It is just so much easier to hit it exactly or go over it just a tad.

Obviously it's not working. My little (and sometimes not so little) cheats are keeping me right at a solid weight of 220. It's not my ideal weight but at least I know I can maintain.

Going into this next week, and the quickly approaching Christmas season, I have to figure this out. Drinking water helps. I know that. Little meals throughout the day help until I get to the evening hours. That's when the little meals don't help so much. They are what often lead to the calorie increases.

what a 45-pound loss looks like

Weight loss isn't impossible. I need only to read some of my favorite blogs to know that. So many other people - some with more weight to lose than I - have done this without a personal trainer and without leaving behind their daily lives to join the cast of The Biggest Loser. And a lot of people have done it with just as much on their plates as I have. There are a few who probably have more on their plates than I do.

I do wonder how. How do people get up in the mornings and go to the gym? How do people go out to eat and always say no to the much more delicious cheeseburger? Sometimes it seems like there's some sort of secret that I just don't know.

That's not true, though. There is no real secret. When I tell people I've lost 45 pounds so far, they almost always congratulate me and then ask me how. I always say it is about diet and exercise. And it truly is. That's the best way to drop weight. A lot of the people chuckle and agree. And then they say they can't do it. They're just too busy.

I've been that way a lot throughout this journey. I think that is one of the many reasons it's taken me so much longer than I planned. I wanted to lose all the weight in a year, but my year has come and gone and I am still not even halfway there.

That's okay though. It takes longer for everyone. I just have to remember why I started and that gives me so much strength to continue on.

throwback to college. 2005.

My why is simple and complex. It's simple because really why wouldn't I want to lose the weight. But it's also complex because for so much of my life I have been the bigger girl. The one who couldn't shop where her friends did. The one who talked about boys like they were my boyfriend so I could fit in even though everyone knew they were really just my friends.

I don't believe in feeling sorry for myself. Those years I spent being a bigger girl have made me who I am. I was blessed enough to find someone who saw me for me. Who has loved me for over four years and who has stood by my side as I have gained weight and lost weight. Someone who sees me as more than just a number on a scale.

engagement pictures in 2008

I spent so much time being ashamed. So much time hiding "my number." So much time denying how much I really weighed and just how unhealthy I was. That's quite possibly one of the reasons I am still working to lose the weight. A part of me now still has a hard time believing I was ever that big. But all I have to do is pull up old pictures to see the truth. It's one of the reasons I stopped taking pictures for so long. Years of my life are barely documented because I was ashamed of how I looked in pictures. I could deny the weight when I looked in the mirror but not when I looked at the camera.

I started to put on most of the weight between 2009 and 2010. Those were very hard years for me.

a rare picture from 2009 at a friend's wedding

I was married, living in a house that needed a lot more work than we could afford, and working a job that I both loved and hated. A job that kept me on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for very little money.

When I left that job in early 2010, it took me over a year to move on. A year to not jump every time the phone rang. A year to feel like I had my life back. Over a year to realize what was happening and how I would handle it all.

Sometimes I still feel like I am back in 2010. I am constantly looking for balance and relearning how to live a healthy life in the midst of working and building a house and being married. But I am in a much better place than I was in 2010.

Honestly healthiness is hard. It's hard to eat tuna fish and crackers instead of ordering off a menu at a restaurant. It's hard to drink water instead of a delicious diet coke. But looking back at these pictures reminds me of how hard it is to be unhealthy and also unhappy.

I spent time by myself Sunday morning and thought about where I am right now. I meditated for a while on where God is calling me and what I need to do with where I am. He reminded me of a story out of Numbers where in He communicates with the Israelites by covering their camp and uncovering their camp with a cloud. The cloud's presence, or lack thereof, tells them when they are to stay and when they are to move (Numbers 9:15-23).

I didn't get the clear answer I wanted. But I wasn't really surprised by that. God likes to be mysterious, and He likes to take His time to communicate. His timing is always best, after all. 

an even rarer 2010 picture

He did remind me, though, of where I am and how I got here. He reminded me of how He brought my jobs to me. And He reminded me of this blog and how important it is. That also reminded me of how important my health is and took me on this trip down memory lane.

I'll get to where I want to be weight wise. I know that. And I know I need to be more serious about it and put myself first. I also know He will take me where it is He wants me to go in His own time.

Looking at pictures of myself from the past few years is hard, but going back to the weight I was would be even harder. So I take that as one of my many reasons why. 

I will never be 265 pounds again.

I will never have a huge double chin again.

I will never wear a clothing size that starts with a 2 again.

Soon, I will never shop at or wear clothes from Lane Bryant again.

I will never have to buy plus-size clothes again.

I will never be so unhealthy because I eat nothing but fried foods again.

I will never be the fat girl again (though I know I may always carry her inside of me).

I also know that I am not my weight. That does not define who I am, what I do, or what I mean to people - even if other people dictate who I am by how I look and what the scale says.

I am going to fight to be healthy, fight to lose the weight, fight to regain who I am outside of my clothing size and number on the scale. And I am going to wait until God tells me to move. I am gong to stay the course with blogging. I am going to love on as many kids as I can, and I am going to build an amazing life with my husband.

When it's time to move on from jobs or blogging, God will let me know just as He let the Israelites know. Until then it is time for me to press on, push myself and lean into Him like never before.

(title from "save me" by ingrid michaelson)

a little update

I haven't been the best at completing my goals this weekend. Rather than running outside, I have spent the majority of the long weekend inside, sniffing and sneezing into a whole box (if not more) of Kleenex.

It started Tuesday morning and hasn't stopped since. I've gotten out of the house a few times to complete Black Friday shopping, but haven't done much else. There has been a lot of sleeping in, a lot of time with my husband, and a lot of watching episodes of Rules of Engagement on Netflix.

I needed the break. More than I realized. And I plan on enjoying every last second of the rest of the break - even if my nose is starting to resemble Rudolph.

Today I am starting over again with tracking every single calorie and staying under my calories. I've got plenty left for the day, and I plan to enjoy a healthy salad for dinner tonight. Needless to say the holidays were a bit more difficult than expected, but I'm getting back into the groove. No more beer or wine tonight. I've enjoyed a bit too much of both those things.

I'll be back on Sunday with more of an update. Until then, I hope you are enjoying the break and savoring every moment you can.

weight loss wednesday (week 12)

Today’s Weight: 221 lbs.

I gained a pound over the past week. I was kind of surprised I didn't gain more (you can see why here and here.) It's not the direction I want to go, but I chose to eat how I did so I know it's my responsibility to make better choices in the future. Even though now I want all the bad foods again. It's a vicious, vicious cycle.

Total Loss: 44 lbs.

What I craved this week: I consumed a lot of unhealthy foods this past week. Like pizza. I also had a huge (and delicious) cheeseburger with a side of fries on Saturday night.. along with a few beers and a mixed drink. I want to be able to enjoy myself when we go out with friends, so I do. This wouldn't be a problem except that I don't plan ahead throughout the week to have leftover calories to use on the weekends.

What I noticed was different about my body: I bought pants in a size 14. I could (and still can) hardly believe it. While I know I can not wear a size 14 in every single pant, at least I found I had to buy at least two pairs in a 14 as a size 16 was far too big.

Even with that success, I felt frumpy this week. It's probably because I haven't made it to the gym nearly enough. I blame my left knee and right foot for that. As well as myself for not managing my time better.

Workouts planned for this week: Last year, I ran a 5K on the elliptical the morning of Thanksgiving Day. I would love to start Thanksgiving Day off the same way, but we don't live close to a 24-hour gym. So I am hoping to take the dogs on a lengthy walk Thursday morning as long as my knee feels strong enough. I need to sweat, but the calorie burn is not worth injuring myself more. (Side note: I said Thanksgiving Day morning work outs were going to be a tradition, and I meant it. So I will figure out a way to sweat this year without hurting myself more/again).

Work has been bananas lately (can anyone name that Gwen Stefani song?). And I have done an awful job of making time for myself and for the gym. I have a four day weekend, so no more excusues. I'm going to make every day this weekend an active one in some form or fashion. I'm planning to work out Monday evening and Tuesday evening as well. Hopefully those plans will turn into reality! I miss the gym, weights, and the elliptical.

Personal Goal(s) for this week: I had a second week of not making my goals. If I keep this up, I will most definitely not be in one-derland by Christmas. So it's time to get serious. I am going to repeat my goals of the past two weeks. My goals (third time's a charm!) include: continuing to track what I eat, limit sweets, complete 20 minutes of vigorous activity twice over the next week, and have three days with a 1200 calorie deficit. I am also hoping to lower the number of calories I eat on at least two days from 1713 to 1513.

Favorite Quote(s) for this week:  Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time. -- Thomas Edison

The tragedy in life doesn't lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach. -- Benjamin Mays

What I'm looking forward to: I have a four-day weekend after today. And I need the break desperately. Last weekened was wonderful but short. I am so excited for time to re-energize and focus on myself and my family.

We are inching closer to completion of our house. And I do mean inching. I plan on spending some time in prayer over everything because I can't do any of this (building a house, moving, losing weight) without His strength.

I am also going to really think about why I started. I read an amazing post by Rachel and Simple Little Joys yesterday and it has stuck with me. I need to focus on the why and the how and then make it happen.


How are you doing this week? Tell me about it in the comments. I would love to know!

weight loss wednesday (week 11)

Today’s Weight: 220 lbs.

To be honest, I'm surprised there wasn't a gain from this past week. Between no time at the gym and not eating amazing, I thought there might be. I am always feeling quite bloated today. So I will take my weight staying the same!

Total Loss: 45 lbs.


What I craved this week: I really wanted pizza, but I didn't eat any. I also wanted pasta of any kind. I only gave in a tiny bit when I ate a single serving of velveeta shells and cheese. I also have started craving (and drinking) coffee again. It hasn't been an every day occurrence but it has happened more than it should have; I blame Starbucks and their wonderful holiday drinks - like gingerbread lattes.

I did have one healthy craving. And that was for a salad. I gave into the craving on Tuesday night and enjoyed Jason's Deli's salad bar along with a bowl of tomato basil soup. It was delicious, and I didn't feel guilty for eating over my calories that day since I enjoyed so many good veggies and lots of protein.

What I noticed was different about my body: On Tuesday night, I walked from the gym to Jason's Deli. They are within 2 minutes of one another and driving my car to such a close place made no sense. While walking, I glanced in the window, and I almost looked thin. Looking at myself head on in the mirror, I feel like I am thinner, but I do not feel the same way when I look at my profile. It seems to me that my profile does not slim down at all. Seeing the reflection was a welcome change.

My face is also thinner. I feel like I have a neck now and not just a big double chin. I can feel my collar bones. The band for my Body Media Fit needs to be tightened which means my arms really are slimming down.

Workouts planned for this week: I completed a total of two work outs over the past week - Monday and Tuesday. I would like to make it to the gym at least five times over the next week. I plan on attending spin class on Friday morning, and I have a session scheduled with the trainer for Saturday morning.  I plan on running a total of 10 miles on the elliptical over the next seven days as well.

Personal Goal(s) for this week: I didn't complete any of my goals from last week, so a lot of them are the same for this upcoming week. My goals include: continuing to track what I eat, limit sweets, complete 20 minutes of vigorous activity twice over the next week, and have three days with a 1200 calorie deficit. I am also hoping to lower the number of calories I eat on at least two days from 1713 to 1513.

Favorite Quote(s) for this week:

What I'm looking forward to: I am focused on what I am eating -- instead of just how much. I have noticed that I eat foods that are high in carbohydrates and high in fat. I need to eat more fruits and vegetables, so I plan to focus on eating lots of those and less on exactly how many calories I consume in one day. I am looking forward to this because I think eating more fruits and vegetables will make a huge difference in how I feel during the day.

I'm excited to finally work out with a trainer again this Saturday. I plan to soak everything up so I can use it in future work outs. I am also excited to feel the burn and be sore following that work out. I truly miss being sore; that's how I know I really worked hard.

weight loss wednesday (week 8)

Today’s Weight: 224

Total Loss: 41 (I lost one pound over the past week - finally!)

What I craved this week: I didn't have any specific cravings - except for more soup. Really, when I ate something I shouldn't have, it was because it was there - not because I was craving it. So I am going to do my best to stay away from eating things that are not good for me - even when it means saying no to eating at certain places and spending time with people at restaurants.

What I noticed was different about my body: I bought semi-fitted crop pants. The kind I never thought I would be able to wear. You know the ones that are a little tight and do not have a tie around the waist. And my butt looks good in them. Or at least decent.

My body is strong, and I am so much more capable than I thought. I ran a mile in 11:30 on the elliptical this week. It was my fastest mile ever. And just two days prior I had run the mile in 13:30 thinking I wouldn't be able to go any faster for a while. But I can and I did.

Workouts planned for this week: Lots of running on the elliptical. I also purchased new resistance bands to help strengthen my legs, so I plan on utilizing those as well. I want to make sure I get in enough cardio and weight/resistance training. Time to be strong and lean! I started fighting off a cold on Monday morning, so I'm not sure what my morning work outs will be like. I would love, love, love to fit in a spin class or swimming at some point this week. I used to be able to do those on my lunch break, and I miss them dearly. Maybe on Saturday?

Personal Goal(s) for this week: No more diet coke or diet anything. My husband and I sat down for dinner Sunday night, and I devoured delicious sashimi and fresh summer rolls. And he told me how worried he was about my love of diet coke and how he wanted to support me in being "hard core" about getting healthy. He talked about the negatives of diet coke and how he felt like drinking it would negate any other progress I made. So I am listening and giving up the best carbonated drink ever.

I'm also ready to get better. I came home from work sick on Tuesday and spent lots of time on the couch. My fever finally broke after bundling up with fuzzy socks, a sweatshirt, and two thick blankets. Luckily I've done well with my eating while sick - turning to tomato soup instead of macaroni and cheese which is my comfort food of choice.

Favorite Quote(s) for this week:

What I'm looking forward to: Nailing down a workout schedule. If I am going to do this (and I am), then I need to stick to a schedule. Also working out to Taylor Swift's new CD, Red. And running at least one 5K on the elliptical. And finally a full week of good, healthy food decisions.

so lead me back

I've been on this journey for longer than I like to admit (it started back in the middle of 2011) and much longer than I like to think about. I've had both setbacks (like this one and this one) and successes (like this one and this one); though the setbacks seems to outweigh the successes. And through it all, I've wondered why it is that I have yet to cross the finish line. I've wondered why so many other people have been able to do it while I just can't seem to.

I'm not quite sure there's an answer to the question why. If there is, I'm not quite sure I want to know what it is.

What I do know, right now, is that I have to make hard decisions. What I do know, right now, is that I have to be the change. I have to say no to eating at certain restaurants. I have to not just give in because it's easy. It's not fair to expect others to plan their meals and life around me, so I have to plan, pick, and choose around me.

I have to truly put myself first - which is honestly the hardest thing for me to do. My heart and my passions are for caring for other people. But if I don't stop and look inward... if I don't spend time focusing on myself.. then I'm never going to cross the finish line and I am always going to let someone else be the priority. I am always going to wonder why I just can't do it.

On Sunday, I said no to lunch at a local Mexican food restaurant. I told my husband to go, and I stayed home. After eating too much Saturday night, I just knew I couldn't do it.

Temptation is always there. I did well Saturday. I chose a grilled chicken sandwich and chili for lunch at Steak N Shake over a double steak burger and fries. I watched others enjoy a milk shake and instead sipped my diet coke. For dinner, I chose food off the under 500 calorie menu at Longhorn. And I said no - repeatedly - to cake, but after hours of seeing the cake and smelling it, I couldn't say no. And so I ate a rather large slice along with a little container of ice cream. 

I just don't have the willpower right now. I know what is best for me and what works for me, but really, more than anything, I want to be normal. I want to be able to enjoy foods in moderation like it seems everyone else can. But I am not that person. I am not someone who is happy with a sliver of cake or a single scoop of ice cream. I want a large piece with lots of frosting and the biggest bowl of ice cream.

It's exhausting being this way. And it's lonely. And hard. But I can't continue living in a state of equal (or greater than) setbacks compared to successes. It's not fair to me or to my health.

So I am going to continue to take myself out of situations. And I am going to make a commitment to myself every single morning. And when it gets hard, I am going to pray for help because I can't do this on my own.

(title from "ghosts that we knew" by mumford and sons)

weight loss wednesday (week 3)

Today’s Weight: 225

Total Loss: 40 pounds (I gained 0.5 pounds over the last week.)

celebrating 4 years of marriage friday night

What I craved this week: Nothing. And that wasn't a good thing - obviously. I craved nothing because I ate whatever I wanted and called it a "celebration" because we did lots of celebrating this weekend.

There was pizza on Thursday night, fancy dinner on Friday night & ice cream, Mediterranean food on Saturday night, Steak N Shake and homemade cupcakes on Sunday... And then I went to the State Fair on Monday with a group of teens and elementary school age kids.

What I noticed was different about my body: My butt. It's (finally!) getting smaller and firmer. Now I just need to make sure that most of the rest of me starts doing the same thing.

Workouts planned for this week: I'm scheduled to work out with my trainer tonight (Wednesday) and also Saturday morning. I need to figure out when else to fit in work outs. The more I work out the better I eat. The better I eat the more energy I have. And the more energy I have the more weight I lose. Everything is tied together, and it is really time for me to start getting it together once again.

Personal Goal(s) for this week: Make good decisions with what I choose to put in my body. I can enjoy things in moderation but moderation is key (and what I struggle with the most). I mean who really only wants a half-cup of ice cream? I personally want several cups - which is why I am stuck at 40 pounds lost.

Favorite Quote(s) for this week:

inspecting the backyard and surveying the back porch.

What I'm looking forward to: The next chapter. We finally closed on our old house this past Monday. It's so surreal to be done with that chapter and moving onto a new house. Our new house is now fully framed (the picture to the right is just of the bottom floor framing - I don't have one of both floors framed [bad blogger]), and it's scheduled to be done in under 60 days. Once the house is built and we close, the real fun (and frustration I'm sure) begins. There will be lots of weekend projects, lots of estate sales, lots of planning and changing.

I'm so looking forward to the next chapter. To making things for the house. To strengthening friendships and inviting people over for dinner and games, to hosting watch parties, to building a home and a family in our brand new, blank slate house. To starting over and fresh while staying right where I am.