weight loss wednesday (week 26)

Good morning! I hope you are having a wonderful start to your Wednesday. I'm back for another week of Weight Loss Wednesday. I'm going to preface this week by saying that while I have done better with my eating I am finding that I am frustrated. Rather than letting the frustration define me, I am hoping to use the frustration as drive to get stronger.

I'm still hard at work in physical therapy. But I'm tired of how slow a process this recovery is. Maybe that impatience will help me to heal faster?

Last week, I shared about a few friends who reached out to offer me support. I'm still very much working on the rules we set out, so I thought it best to share how I am doing with all the rules.

Honesty. I'm being honest. I'm also measuring out a lot of my food. That makes a huge difference. Shocker, I know.

Balance. This week, I ate a fruit or vegetable with nearly every meal. I also made sure to eat different kinds of things. Sandwiches with yogurt for lunch. Turkey bacon with a single piece of toast and several strawberries for breakfast. It was nice to see color on my plate for every meal.

Trust. I'm so glad I'm opening up. It makes such a huge difference.

Forgiveness. I'm still eating more than I should be. Specifically carbs. Things like bread, pasta, and rice. Those have a lot of calories and a lot of PointsPlus. I need to substitute things like spaghetti squash for pasta.

Consistency. I've tracked all week. Not for every single meal but every day I've at least tracked one meal. It's a start and much more consistent that I've been in the past. I'm going to do even better this coming week.

I'm more excited today than I have been in months. I still have a very long road ahead of me as far as physical therapy and rehabilitation of my knee is concerned. Which makes all these rules even more important. Accountability to myself with what I am eating and how much I am eating is the only way I will lose weight.

Starting Weight: 265 lbs.

Goal Weight: 155 lbs.

Today’s Weight: I'm still not weighing in this week.

Total Loss: 42.2 lbs. (as of three weeks ago)

Pounds Left To Lose: 66.4 lbs. (as of last week)

What I craved this week: I've actually been craving fruits! Things like oranges and apples and strawberries. So delicious! And of course, I've still wanted ice cream. That's one thing I don't think I will ever stop craving.

What I noticed was different about my body:  It's honestly very difficult for me to look at my body. I am so unhappy with it. And I am even more unhappy with the fact that I brought myself to this place. It is my fault I gained so much weight.

It is up to me to change my body. It's up to me to make healthy choices with food. It's up to me to stock my fridge with fresh fruits and vegetables. It's up to me to keep track of what I am eating and how much I am eating. And once I am cleared to resume working out, it will be up to me to do it regularly.

Workouts planned for this week: Physical Therapy three times a week! I'm able to get around my house without crutches. When I walk, I'm being very aware of how I move. I think learning how to correctly walk will help me. I'm still a ways away from getting on a stationary bicycle, but I am getting there.

I also got the all clear from the physical therapist to begin doing some upper arm work-outs. I am still limited with what all I can do, so I am on the look-out for standing or sitting work-outs that utilize resistance bands. If you know of any, please send them my way!

Personal Goal(s) for this week: I have several. 1) I want to track everything I eat for an entire week - both on MyFitnessPal and WeightWatchers. I am interested to see how the PointsPlus coordinate with calories. 2) Start wearing my BodyMediaFit again. I am interested to see just how many (or how few) calories I am burning on a regular day at home. 3) Begin working out my arms. Just because I am limited in a lot of ways does not mean I need to limit myself everywhere else. 4) Start going out in public with one crutch. I did it today when I went to physical therapy, so we'll see if I can do it again over the weekend! 5) Drink more water. I need to set up a system for this because I tend to not drink a lot of water or any other kind of liquid.

Favorite Quote(s) for this week:

I wish every overweight person could step into the body of a fit person for one week, maybe just one day. I think it would be the catalyst for a new resolve. If you could "feel" the end, you would stay the course. -- Abby Rike, Working It Out

this month is my month

Last night, after attending a 16-year-old's sweet 16, we went grocery shopping. $100 later and enough food to last us for a week-and-a-half, we stopped for dinner at Sonic. I ordered a double cheeseburger and tater tots. I knew it was bad for me. I just didn't know how bad.

There are 30 PointsPlus in a double cheeseburger. 30 PointsPlus. That's almost an entire days worth of PointsPlus. And the calories? There are 900 calories in the double cheeseburger.

At one point, I would have forgotten to log my PointsPlus. And my calories. But I made a promise to myself to be honest. So I logged all of it. The points on WeightWatchers tracker and the calories on MyFitnessPal. And I promised myself that the next day would be better.

I don't know I'll do with staying under 1550 calories every day or staying within 36 PointsPlus every day. But I do know that I want to make better choices. It's why I made a sandwich for lunch today and ate it along with an orange and yogurt. It's why I have Zesty Italian CrockPot Chicken cooking right now. It's why I can't wait to make my lunch and dinner tomorrow and the day after that.

I found out on Tuesday that it's going to be another month until I can go back to working my full-time job. At least another month. Hopefully just another month. Another month of physical therapy three times a week. Another month of being at home during the week.

Before the doctor's appointment, I was down. I felt defeated. But after talking with the doctor, and hearing him say I'm healing well, I feel excited. My quadricep muscles were worthless before the surgery. And now, with the surgery and subsequent physical therapy, there's a good chance that I will heal and be strong.

So I am taking this month for myself. I am taking this month to rest more. I am taking this month to write. I am taking this month to cook and track. I am taking this month to pray. I am taking this month to think about what I want. I am taking this month to enjoy the simple things.

I am taking this month instead of letting it take me.

weight loss wednesday (week 25)

Yesterday, I felt both defeated and determined. I wrote about it and then tweeted a link to the post with a single line: I just wish I had #JillianMichaels to talk to me and help me figure it out. And I meant it. How wonderful would it be to have Jillian Michaels there to talk to and push you?

I didn't get a response from Jillian, but I did get responses from two other Tweet-ers (@tweediem2 and @FatGirlvsWorld) and Bloggers (I go through life in inches and pounds and Never 320 Again). They agreed to walk along side me and help support me. The accountability will come from within. But the support? That's going to help me to be accountable.

We set up a few rules for this endeavor.  Rules that I think are essential for weight loss. Rules that I haven't necessarily followed in the past. And by not following them, I've hurt myself.

Honesty. I have to be honest with myself about what I eat and how much I eat. I also have to be honest with other people about what I am going through and how I am feeling. Lying does nothing but hurt me and keep me from my goals.

Balance. I am never going to be able to eat perfectly at all times. I have to allow for some balance. I can't overboard with documenting everything I eat or diminish the amount of calories I eat too severely. That's what can lead to eating disorders. And there are entirely many bloggers who suffer from eating disorders and/or disordered eating. I went down that road in high school and never will again.

Trust. I have to trust people enough to find support. And I have to trust myself enough to open up to others.

Forgiveness. If I make a mistake, or eat more than I should, then I need to forgive myself. By forgiving myself, I take away the power that the mistake has. And by forgiving myself, I also show myself that I care enough to move on. One day of poor eating is not going to result in me not losing weight just as one day of excellent eating does not result in losing weight.

Consistency. I need to be consistent with tracking. It all comes back to tracking. Tracking means I am holding myself accountable with what I am eating. I'm also going to in at least three times a week on twitter. I am also going to start taking pictures of my meals so that I can see what I am eating and so I can hold myself accountable. I am currently tracking on Weight Watchers and MyFitnessPal.

I'm more excited today than I have been in months. I still have a very long road ahead of me as far as physical therapy and rehabilitation of my knee is concerned. Which makes all these rules even more important. Accountability to myself with what I am eating and how much I am eating is the only way I will lose weight.

Starting Weight: 265 lbs.

Goal Weight: 155 lbs.

Today’s Weight: I'm still not weighing in this week.

Total Loss: 42.2 lbs. (as of two weeks ago)

Pounds Left To Lose: 66.4 lbs. (as of last week)

What I craved this week: A hamburger and french fries. Also ice cream. I always want ice cream.

What I noticed was different about my body:  I can tell I've gained weight and lost some muscle definition.

Workouts planned for this week: Physical Therapy three times a week! I'm supposed to start on walking without crutches as well. Here's to hoping I can go on walks soon and maybe start spending some time on the stationary bicycle.

Personal Goal(s) for this week: Track for a whole week! Remain positive! Stick to my physical therapy homework.

Favorite Quote(s) for this week:

Thanks again to Sam at The Ruby Turtle Hippie Times for this format. 

weight loss wednesday (week 20)

Starting Weight: 265 lbs.

Goal Weight: 155 lbs.

Today’s Weight: 221.8 lbs.

Total Loss: 43.2 lbs.

No weight lost this week. It's honestly expected. Between swollen knees, eating my feelings a bit more than normal, and it being that time of the month, weight loss was almost impossible. But I maintained. And maintenance deserves to be celebrated as well!

Pounds Left To Lose: 66.8 lbs.

What I craved this week: I still craved comfort food, and I ate it. I kept telling myself and everyone around me that I had the Weekly Points to use. And then I used all my weekly points by the end of the day Monday. Not that has stopped me from eating TWO bread bowls at Panera this week... There's 15 points in the bread bowl alone.

What I noticed was different about my body:  I'm having a hard time with body image this week. All I can see is swollen ankles, swollen knees, arms losing muscle definition, shrinking boobs.. But I know that everything will even out in the end.

And I know that I am beautiful. I can't trust the image I see in the mirror.
Workouts planned for this week: None.
My surgery is in nine days. I'm hurting because of the cold and using my other leg to compensate for my left knee. So there is no gym. I have been walking more, though, and I logged almost an hour of activity last week.

Soon I won't be able to walk, so I am enjoying being on my feet as much as I can. And I am ignoring the pain as much as I can. I'll be resting soon enough.

Personal Goal(s) for this week:
 Last week, I wanted to use my Weekly Points wisely. That didn't happen. My attitude took a nosedive, so I want to get back to having a better attitude.

I know recovery is going to be difficult and painful. I also know I will likely gain some weight back. And I know that the surgery is only the beginning.

But I also know there is no reason to be defeated. I've had surgery before. And I have recovered before. In the past, my attitude was not as good as it is right now. I am hopeful of how well recovery will go with an improved attitude.

Food is going to be the only way I lose weight over the next several weeks. So I need to focus on healthy items. Time to stock my freezer with Yoplait smoothies! I can pretend like I am eating lots of ice cream and enjoy 16 ounce smoothies for 6 PointsPlus total!

And I think this will be a wonderful opportunity to look at food as nutrition - not as a response to life. I want to love fruits and vegetables by the end of this recovery.

Favorite Quote(s) for this week: "The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

Thanks again to Sam at The Ruby Turtle Hippie Times for this format. I am linking up with her, and you should too!

weight loss wednesday (week 18)

It's been a few weeks since I've checken in with y'all. It's been a few weeks of trying to convince myself that the number on the scale wasn't right. It just had to be wrong. After weighing a few dumbells on it, I realized that the number wasn't wrong. I'd just let go of any and all self-control.

That's one of the reasons I joined Weight Watchers. Even though I wanted to say I did it all on my own, I understand that I just wasn't going to do it all on my own. I also started to realize that I needed to stop focusing on weight loss and dieting and start focusing on healthy living and making these changes permanent.

I've also realized that Weight Watchers is not going to be a magical fix in my journey to lose weight (and never find it again). I am still going to be the one making healthy choices. I am going to be the one eating more fruit and vegetables. I am going to be the one doing the work. Weight Watchers will simply be there to help me and support me. I can celebrate my successes in meetings and also ask for help when I fail.

All that being said, I'm weighing in today and giving an honest number. I last weighed in a month ago. That means I have spent the past four weeks lying to myself and pretending I didn't gain weight. When I weighed in on December 5th, my weight was 216...

Today’s Weight: 223 lbs.

Total Loss: 42 lbs.

I've gained a total of 7 pounds from my weekly weigh in last month. And I am okay with that. There are a few things that contributed to the weight gain.

1. We moved, and I started using a different scale. The scale at my in-laws house was a little nicer (and probably not as acquerate).
2. I haven't worked out in... I honestly don't remember the last time I worked out.
3. I stopped tracking.
4. The Holidays.
5. I got hurt.

The good news? I am down 2 pounds from where I weighed in Saturday (and down 3.8 pounds from the Weight Watchers scale in jeans and tennis shoes). On Monday morning, I weighed in at 221 lbs and then proceeded to eat more than I should have (and drank just as much.. if not more). So I am back in the game and will see 216 soon!

What I craved this week: Diet Coke. I really wanted one when I saw Les Miserables at the movies yesterday. Something about the movie theatre makes me want soda. But I said no. I've been diet coke free for 19 days! Two more days and it will be a habit...

What I noticed was different about my body:  I am getting smaller - ever so slowly. Though my face hasn't quite caught up to other body parts...

I miss my muscles. Between wearing a brace on my left knee, not walking up stairs normally due to my left knee, and my lack of gym time, I've lost some tone. I need to get it back.

Workouts planned for this week: I don't have any specific plans. I do think I need to spend some quality time in the pool and on the stationary bicycle. I can also start focusing on upper body strength training.

Whatever I do, it needs to be low impact and help me to get back into the habit of exercise. It also would be great if I could slowly strengthen my knees without causing any (more) harm.

Personal Goal(s) for this week: Stay on plan!

I used all my weekly points (and then some) on New Years Eve between the alcohol and appetizers and food and dessert. So I am really watching what and how much I consume for the week.

I also want to make and hang inspiraton around my house. I've been doing a lot of reading lately about obesity and knees. For every pound overweight, there's an additional 3 to 4 pounds of pressure on your knees. So no wonder mine are so tired, sore, and hurt. The more I lose the less they'll hurt. I'm excited to (eventually) get down to a healthy BMI and weight.

I'm planning on taking my measurements this week. I ordered a fancy measuring tape from Amazon, so I plan to start using measurements as a way to track. That should be even better and more beneficial than the scale.

Favorite Quote(s) for this week: “Selfish isn't a dirty word. It means we take care of ourselves and are able to give back.” Jillian Michaels

“Part of abandoning the all-or-nothing mentality is allowing yourself room for setbacks. We are bound to have lapses on the road to health and wellness, but it is critical that we learn how to handle small failures positively so that we can minimize their long-term destructive effects. One setback is one setback—it is not the end of the world, nor is it the end of your journey toward a better you.” Jillian Michaels

Thanks again to Sam at The Ruby Turtle Hippie Times for this format. I am linking up with her, and you should too!

it's time now

I started 2012 with hopes of completing my weight loss journey. I am ending 2012 still in the midst of my weight loss journey.

There's a rather large part of me that feels like I failed. Like 2012 was nothing what it should have been. Like I let myself down and let everyone else down. But there is no reason for me to feel that way.

I didn't finish my weight loss journey this year. I'm still a ways away from the ever illusive one-derland. But I am on my way.

This year, I've tried and I've failed to lose enough wait to be in one-derland. I could focus on the failure. But why? At least I have continued to try. And I will continue to try into 2013.

I wanted 2012 to be the year. It wasn't. So now I move onto 2013 with the hope that it will be the year. I'm changing a few things for the upcoming year. I'm seeking out more support. I'm asking for help and allowing myself to receive the help I need. I'm setting a goal for Operation Red Bikini of wearing a size 10 by May 31, 2013.

I'm quite certain I'll never wear a bikini. No one else needs to see any of the stretch marks I have. Or the cellulite. But the point is not to wear a red bikini; the point is to find a goal and obtain in. This combined with the Facebook Weight Loss Challenge will help me to remain focused.

A large part of me wanted to lose weight all on my own (read: I didn't want to use Weight Watchers). I think I felt that way because I wanted to prove to myself that the weight loss would be easy. I wanted to be a success story without the assistance of chain weight loss institutions.

But I haven't been that success story yet. And I realized on Friday (the same day I mentioned the possibility of attempting Weight Watchers) that I desperately needed the help. So I joined Weight Watchers that day and immediately started tracking. There's something so freeing about tracking points instead of counting calories. And I like knowing how many extra points I can eat throughout the week. With calories counting, I never really understood how many extra calories I could consume throughout the week, so I often went over my calorie goal every single day and told myself it would all be okay.

It never was all okay. The fact that my once loose jeans are now a bit snug proves that. The scale shows an increase, and I can feel it too. Feeling the added weight is always hard - especially after realizing how much lighter you feel without it. It's not just the literal feeling of added weight; it's the emotional feeling and how it zaps any self confidence I once had.

I've tried a lot of diets. And I've been somewhat successful with them. But south beach diet isn't going to be something I can continue my whole life. I love carbs way too much for that. Weight Watchers? It's more lifestyle and realistic and if Jessica Simpson can do it then so can I.

I thought about waiting until the clock struck midnight and I stole a kiss to ring in the new year, but there's no reason to wait. And waiting would only make me hold tighter onto my pride. My sweet husband was supportive of my decision to add another monthly expense to our budget without consulting him directly due to his being at work and unreachable by phone (it also helps that my job will reimburse up to half of the cost of membership!); he wants to see me succeed more than anyone. He knows how much I want this and he would do anything to help me get there. I'm so grateful for the cheerleader and support and shoulder to cry on I have in him.

There will be more ups and more downs. Weight Watchers isn't going to magically fix things. But it's going to offer me help and support and a program that's proven to be successful.

What about you? Do you have a goal you would like to reach - a red bikini all your own? Don't spend any more time wasting that goal. Go for it. Do whatver you have to to make it happen - even if it means swallowing your pride.

(title from "red" by taylor swift)