it's time now

I started 2012 with hopes of completing my weight loss journey. I am ending 2012 still in the midst of my weight loss journey.

There's a rather large part of me that feels like I failed. Like 2012 was nothing what it should have been. Like I let myself down and let everyone else down. But there is no reason for me to feel that way.

I didn't finish my weight loss journey this year. I'm still a ways away from the ever illusive one-derland. But I am on my way.

This year, I've tried and I've failed to lose enough wait to be in one-derland. I could focus on the failure. But why? At least I have continued to try. And I will continue to try into 2013.

I wanted 2012 to be the year. It wasn't. So now I move onto 2013 with the hope that it will be the year. I'm changing a few things for the upcoming year. I'm seeking out more support. I'm asking for help and allowing myself to receive the help I need. I'm setting a goal for Operation Red Bikini of wearing a size 10 by May 31, 2013.

I'm quite certain I'll never wear a bikini. No one else needs to see any of the stretch marks I have. Or the cellulite. But the point is not to wear a red bikini; the point is to find a goal and obtain in. This combined with the Facebook Weight Loss Challenge will help me to remain focused.

A large part of me wanted to lose weight all on my own (read: I didn't want to use Weight Watchers). I think I felt that way because I wanted to prove to myself that the weight loss would be easy. I wanted to be a success story without the assistance of chain weight loss institutions.

But I haven't been that success story yet. And I realized on Friday (the same day I mentioned the possibility of attempting Weight Watchers) that I desperately needed the help. So I joined Weight Watchers that day and immediately started tracking. There's something so freeing about tracking points instead of counting calories. And I like knowing how many extra points I can eat throughout the week. With calories counting, I never really understood how many extra calories I could consume throughout the week, so I often went over my calorie goal every single day and told myself it would all be okay.

It never was all okay. The fact that my once loose jeans are now a bit snug proves that. The scale shows an increase, and I can feel it too. Feeling the added weight is always hard - especially after realizing how much lighter you feel without it. It's not just the literal feeling of added weight; it's the emotional feeling and how it zaps any self confidence I once had.

I've tried a lot of diets. And I've been somewhat successful with them. But south beach diet isn't going to be something I can continue my whole life. I love carbs way too much for that. Weight Watchers? It's more lifestyle and realistic and if Jessica Simpson can do it then so can I.

I thought about waiting until the clock struck midnight and I stole a kiss to ring in the new year, but there's no reason to wait. And waiting would only make me hold tighter onto my pride. My sweet husband was supportive of my decision to add another monthly expense to our budget without consulting him directly due to his being at work and unreachable by phone (it also helps that my job will reimburse up to half of the cost of membership!); he wants to see me succeed more than anyone. He knows how much I want this and he would do anything to help me get there. I'm so grateful for the cheerleader and support and shoulder to cry on I have in him.

There will be more ups and more downs. Weight Watchers isn't going to magically fix things. But it's going to offer me help and support and a program that's proven to be successful.

What about you? Do you have a goal you would like to reach - a red bikini all your own? Don't spend any more time wasting that goal. Go for it. Do whatver you have to to make it happen - even if it means swallowing your pride.

(title from "red" by taylor swift)