it is my fault my own mistake

I’ve been doing a lot of research lately. About knee injuries and plantar fasciitis to be exact. I want to know what causes patella’s to dislocate. I want to know why my heel hurts so much in the mornings. I want to know what I can do to stop further damage by osteoarthritis.

Some of the information I’ve found has been expected. Other information… the majority of the information… has been exactly what I did not want to find.

what i struggle with includes cirrhosis, gallbladder disease, osteoarthritis

Obesity has been a cause for everything I am struggling with right now. Obesity can lead to plantar fasciitis and to ortheoarthritis in the knees. It’s also the reason I was sick for so long with issues of the liver.

I shouldn’t have to struggle with this many health issues at 27. No one should. But I made choices that led to gaining too much weight, and that weight has led to all these health issues.

You would think knowing what I do about health issues would make it easier to stick to a healthy living plan and to lose the weight once and for all. But obesity is so much more than pounds needing to be lost. It’s a change in mind set and a change in how to deal with everyday life and stress.

The past few weeks, and the mountains of research, have forced myself to take a good hard look at myself. When you’re dealing with a knee injury that won’t allow you to walk up the stairs normally or climb into your tall bed without the help of a step stool, it’s impossible not to look at your life and how you’re living it.

It’s been hard to really come to grips with the fact that I am the reason for all these injuries. Yes, I was born with bad knees as evidenced by the knee surgery I had in junior high, but I could have prevented future injuries by treating myself and my body right. By making better choices instead of making bad choices that led to piling on the pounds.

I want to blame all these injuries and sicknesses on genetics. But my genes are good. No one in my family has any of the illnesses or injuries I do. If I can't blame genetics, I want to blame bad luck; I did that for quite some time but when the injuries and sickness continue, it gets harder and harder to blame just bad luck.

Sitting and wallowing in a hurt knee, unhealthy liver levels, and a painful heel won't do anything for me but keep me from moving on. Pretending like the injuries and illnesses are no big deal also will only keep me from moving on. I have to face the truth and see, truly see, what I have done to myself so that I can move on.

By turning to food and eating more than I needed, I've caused unneccesary stress and harm to my body. I've kept myself from being physically fit. And I've discouraged myself from dealing with the stresses of life. I've allowed myself to remain the "fat friend" and have never let myself truly discover who I am. I've also kept friends, family and my husband at arm's length.

I don't want that anymore. I want true, honest and meaningful relationships. I want to allow myself to discover who I really am and to see myself as more than a number of the scale or an image in the mirror. I've wanted those things before, but I've never looked at all the negative reprecussions obesity caused.

So how do I move forward? Slowly.

I've done this a lot in the past. Weight loss is so often a journey of two steps forward and one step back. Maybe it's more like one step forward and two steps back. No matter what, I move forward - slowly.

Here are my current slow steps:

1. I am going to allow myself time to heal. I will not beat myself up for the injuries and sickness. Beating myself up will only make me want to turn back to food. Instead I am viewing this as an opportunity to become the strongest I can possibly be.
2. I am going to honestly track what I eat and stay under my calorie goals. I might even attemp Weight Watchers. Paying for the meetings and for the online membership scares me, but I know the program works. I joined once in high school and lost a good amount of weight.
3. I am going to forever break up with diet sodas. I did this following my appointment with the orthopedic surgeon and the discovery of a bone spur on my patella (as well as my husband's sweet, not so subtle urging). They are bad for me. Both because they make me want to eat more and because of how they eat away bone.
4. I am going to find a work out I love and do it regularly. I might have to build up working out slowly again. But I will do it.
5. I am going to bring snacks to work and eat breakfast every single morning. My snacks are going to include fresh fruit and other healthy foods.
6. I am going to make myself a priority and love myself - struggles and all.

And I am going to continue to blog. Blogging helps so much. It's easier to stay on track when I'm documenting my thoughts, my struggles, and my successes. Some of my posts may be repetitive since I struggle with the same stumbling blocks over and over. And it might not be the most inspirational weight loss site. But it will be a space all my own - a reminder of how far I have come and also how far I have to go.

(title from "learn me right" by mumford and sons)