my head alongside my heart

How is it that one event can simultaneously be one of the best things to ever happen to you and also one of the worst?

That one event for me, right now, is knee surgery. It might not be the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. (It's not.) And I am sure there may be many more worse things on their way. But right now, my life feels consumed by knee surgery.

It's been just over two months since I had the surgery. I thought that, by this time, I would be cranking out the miles on the stationary bicycle. That I would be showing off my newfound quadricep strength. That I would be back to work. But I am none of those things.

I rode the stationary bicycle for the first time on Monday. Eight minutes. No resistance, and I didn't spin fast enough for the monitor to come on and register that I was there pedaling away. In fact, it was hard. I could feel it in my IT Band and struggled not to compensate by letting my right foot due most of the work while my left foot flopped and moved so I wouldn't have to work so hard.

I'm not back at work. That makes me feel like a failure. Even worse I feel like I'm not making the most of my time off. I'm not writing as much as I should. I have lots of arts and crafts projects to work on. And yet, I find myself just sitting. I've had things to focus on but I haven't used the time to do things for myself or better myself. Rather I have almost punished myself for being off work. It's hard to do things I enjoy when I feel like I shouldn't be able to. Not sure if that makes any sense (it barely does to me).

I know that the knee surgery was necessary. One of the reasons this recovery is such a struggle is because I have needed the surgery for longer than I realized and for longer than I wanted to admit. My fall in December made it so there was no other choice, but I had ignored the signs for years prior.

And I know that one day I will be glad I had this knee surgery. When it's easier to participate in spin class (not that spin is ever easy). When I can go up the stairs using both legs. When I'm back to normal. When I don't have to worry about tripping and falling and feeling the agony of a dislocated, and then relocated, patella.

But right now, in the somewhat early morning while I waste a bit of time before physical therapy, I'm not glad. Right now I am struggling with the knee surgery. Right now I am fighting away fears that I'll never fully recover. Right now I find myself stuck in a place that I don't quite know how to get out of. Jen Hatmaker called it the duldrums, and I think that's what it is. Because there's no depression or anything like that. There's just a feeling of being stuck.

I've gained weight since the knee surgery. Not a lot by what the scale says. But it's still weight. And maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me, but I feel like it's obvious. It's a gain of about eight pounds. And for over two months of knee surgery recovery, two months of very little activity and too much Chik-Fil-A and macaroni and cheese, it's not a bad gain. But I want to stop the number from climbing any higher. I'm the one who has to stop it. Who needs to deal with the kitchen and refrigerator and ease of the drive-through.

And even though sometimes it feels like there is nothing but negativity stemming from the surgery and this recovery, I know there is good. I'm rested. More rested than I have been in over a year. I'm happy, in a lot of ways, with the direction our life is taking. Announcing our plan to become parents and then seeing the progress that is slowly being made has been good for me. It's been a reminder that things are happening.

I'm realizing more and more what my passions are. I know what issues get me riled up. And I've rediscovered a strength to fight those issues. I want to share my passions with people and with the Church. I want to remind everyone of how important the issues are and of the positions we are all in to do something about those issues.

And I'm gaining courage. Not a lot just yet (or I probably wouldn't be struggling with the duldrums) but enough to spur me on and remind me that I can do this and that God's hand is in all of it. Enough for me to step out of my comfort zone and allow Him to take over on certain issues. Enough for me to really wonder and dream of certain things. Enough for me to fully open myself up to possibilities I had ignored for a long time.

I still don't know what all of this means for my blog. I have plenty of weight left to lose. And I need to do something about losing it. I've been complacent and taken a back seat to it for a long time. That means I need to truly deal with the issues of why I haven't lost the weight. It's not as simple as me cleaning out my refrigerator and buying produce. I know that about myself. I don't want my blog to be only about weight loss. Because, for me, that would lead me into an unhealthy relationship with myself and with food. I refuse to let that happen.

I also don't want my blog to only be about parenting or foster care. Though those things are important. However, there's not a lot I could share, and therefore the blog would remain silent.

I also don't think I can write a blog dedicated entirely to faith. Yes, my faith runs throughout the posts and is always there, but I don't think I could come up with enough content to always write about it. Because I have days when I just struggle.

Maybe it will be a combination of it all. A better reflection of my life as a whole. We'll see. Right now, my life is recovery. Right now, my life is fighting the duldrums. Right now, my life is waiting.

(title from "i will wait" by mumford and sons)

friday's letters / dear friday (link up)

Dear Friday. I am so excited to see you today. I know I don't have a week of work to recover from but that doesn't make it any less wonderful to know the weekend is here. Our weekend plans don't include any long hikes or participating in any 5Ks. But at least it's the weekend. Here's to hoping for a relaxing night in and then possibly an outing or two over the weekend.

Dear Physical Therapy. I'm not your biggest fan if you didn't know. But today I conquered you. As in my physical therapist went so far as to call me champ and tell me that he could tell I'd been doing my homework. I managed to lift my left leg all the way up in the air without any assistance. I also managed to lift my left leg off the floor and onto the table. And then after physical therapy I made it into the front of the car for the first time post-operation. That's what I call progress.

Dear Self. You're working on yourself quite a lot right now. And it's a good thing. You're learning how to better eat for health not for heart. You're realizing just how strong you really are. And ever so slowly, you're being forced to face your fears and then let them go. This year is going to be a good one.

Dear Husband. I love you a whole lot. Even more than that, I love how you love me and show me what love is. I'm looking forward to spending lots of time with you this weekend and maybe even leaving the house some. Also, you make me laugh. Thanks for the pick-up line last line. I'm glad I have my library card because I'm checking you out.

Dear Faith. It's hard to have you at times, but I know it's important to believe - even when it seems impossible to believe. You have never let me down. And nothing impossibly terrible has happened. In fact the best thing I've ever down is to rest in faith and simply believe. I'm so glad I made you my word for 2013.

i'll be ready

I miss losing weight. I miss sweating. I miss feeling accomplished when I step on the scale.

But I haven't missed it enough to eat for fuel.

My first week following surgery I ate well. My mom was here and cooked healthy dinners every night. She made sure I had a balanced breakfast and a lunch filled with lean meats and lots of vegetables. Left to my own devices, I've chosen to eat food for comfort.

I'm frustrated with myself, with my recovery, and with my waning motivation. Going into the knee surgery, I thought I had a great outlook. I was committed to eating well, to tracking my points daily, and to not letting myself go. But the longer I spend at home, the harder it is to be healthy.

It would be easy to declare that I will no longer do that. To vow to the Internet and myself that I am starting over today. But I'm not sure those declarations and vows would be honest.

April 27, 2013 will mark two years of slowly losing weight. Two years of striving for one-derland. Two years of trying but never pushing myself over the years. Two years of getting so close and then sliding back into my old ways. Two years of making excuses.

I know I won't be at my goal weight when my two year anniversary happens. I'm not sure I'll even be in one-derland on the day of my two year anniversary. What I do know is that I can't keep teetering for another two years. It's time for me to understand why I eat for comfort when I know the negative impact it has on my body, my weight, and my spirit.

Over the next week, along with sticking to a writing schedule, I'm going to seek out healthy foods instead of turning to comfort foods. I'm going to focus on eating for fuel instead of comfort. I'm going to drink more water. And I'm going to remain positive.

And I'm not going to focus on the weight this week. I'll still do Weight Loss Wednesday, but I won't actually be weighing in. The fact is that I have no idea what I weight right now. Between being swollen and having a heavy brace on, it's impossible to know what my actual weight is. And I think not worrying about weight, and instead worrying about me, will be a wonderful break for me.

It's going to be time for me to start working out again soon. Not in the conventional way of course but in a way that helps me to utilize my upper body and get stronger. I just can't do that until I'm mentally ready.

And after this week, I will be ready.

this is not the end

Today marks 10 days post-knee surgery. When I first learned I would need and subsequently have a third knee surgery, I was told that I could return to light duty after a week. So I had plans to trek back to the office today - free of crutches and just a little in pain.

I expected more than I should have. I was more optimistic than ever before which also meant I strayed from reality. And the reality is that I had a major surgery - not a minor surgery. The reality is that I need to give my body time to heal. Which is why I'm still at home tapering off on pain pills and wishing ibuprofen worked as well as prescription pain pills.

I want to push it. I want to be the exception to what is expected when recovering from knee surgery. My brain is weeks ahead of my body.

I've always been a busy person. For the past year, I've worked two jobs - spending at least 60 hours working most weeks. And for a lot of that time, I made it to the gym as well. It was a lot to do all at once, but it was doable and I enjoyed it for the most part. I miss working. I miss getting out of the house and seeing people. This time off has made me realize that I'm most likely not meant for a life spent working from home.

But I know that right now the best thing I can do is to rest. It's what I need to do.
I'm ready to finish my weight loss journey. I'm ready to make health my lifestyle. And letting myself heal is the first step to where I currently am. If I don't heal right now, then I'll suffer for he rest of my life. And I am done suffering.

I did manage to get out of the house on Sunday. It was only the second time out since surgery - the first being a more emotional and draining trip to see the orthopedic surgeon. We went to church and then out to lunch.

It was a little scary to leave the house, but if I'm going to make it back to work by the end of the week as I'm hoping and planning to, then I need to get more comfortable with getting out of the house - especially since I'll be on my own with getting to work once the time comes.

The day started off well. I got my shoes on, my hair somewhat styled, and a little bit of make-up put on all by myself. It doesn't seem like a huge feat, but I felt so successful - like I had just overcome a huge mountain. I had the confidence to make it out of the house for the day and more energy than I thought I would.

Having my first non-medical trip be to church was perfect. We were greeted by so many people and cared for as we found seats in the back. By finally reaching out and asking for help, I've found that we are loved more than I could have imagined. People genuinely want to be there for us in the ways that are feasible for them. It's made me feel a part of a community that is so much larger than my almost 2200 sq. ft. house.

And the sermon? I needed to hear every word of it. Realizations continued to hit me as I listened. I haven't been as down on myself (or my situation) during this time of recovery as I may have a few months ago or years ago. But I also haven't been as filled with joy as I could have been.

Yesterday, it became clear.

I've needed this knee surgery for a long time - years really. The surgeon commented that he didn't know how I had been walking around with so much looseness in my knee. But I've always been able to rest my knee and then get on with my life following dislocations of my patella and other injuries.

At this moment, we are in the process of starting a Community Group out of our house. My husband and I are both ready to dive into our church in a ways we never have been before. We want to open up our lives and our home to people. Having knee surgery has forced me to ask for help and to break down the walls I spent years building and strengthening. Had I not let these walls tumble down, had I not bee hit with how selfish it is for me to push people away, I wouldn't be ready to invite true community into my life.

I said that my word for 2013 was going to be faith. What I meant was that I wanted to grow my faith - to spend more time reading my Bible, to pray more frequently and fervently, to not worry about worldly things and to really press into God. I didn't realize how much my faith would be tested and how much God would meet me. He tends to be better at seeing the future than I am.

This year has challenged me. And we're not even halfway through the second month. And I can tell that February is going to be so much more than January was.

It's scary to have my faith stretched like this, but it's what I welcomed in when I said my word would be faith. God will use this year to bring me closer to Him and to help tear away the things that don't matter - just as He has torn down the walls I've built.

I'm excited to share my journey of faith here. To let you know how God is moving me and stretching me. To hopefully help you lean further into Him too. And to help myself to lean further into Him as well.

Back before I had surgery, I began working my way through a Bible reading plan on SheReadsTruth. And almost immediately, I came across the verse from Exodus 14:14 that reads "The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still." When I first read it, I told Justin how fitting it was as I would be forced to be still following knee surgery. I even shared the verse. In the past few days, it's really hit me how true the words are.

God has moved as I've been still. I haven't been working two jobs. I've spent quality time with my husband. I've made time for God every single morning. I've rested - a lot. And God has revealed Himself to me in ways He never has before. He's taken away most of my worries. He's blessed us with rebates that weren't supposed to be here until later in February. He led us to move church campuses right before I would need knee surgery. He's gone before us in everything and met us at every turn.

And while I still want my body to catch up to my mind, I'm also enjoying the stillness. I love that God is showing me just how BIG He is and how SMALL I am. It makes me so excited to spread His love for the rest of the year.

(title from "i will show you love" by kendall payne)

PS: Feel free to join me over at Meg's blog for Mingle Monday and at Sar's blog for This Weekend, I!

when you're weak

while in houston ... not while recovering

My mom drove me to my first post operative appointment this morning. I was hopeful that after the appointment I would feel ready to go back to work and armed with a brace that would allow me to bend my knee.

Instead, I walked out of the appointment in tears and wearing a new brace that allows me to bend my knee up to 30 degrees. Except it hurt to bend my knee and scared me.

My mom told me all day how well I was doing and to focus on the small things. Because those small things will lead to bigger things. She also told me to be patient. That it will take time, that it will hurt, but that I will get there and will be stronger at the end of this journey.

It's taken me a few hours to see that she is right, but I am getting there. Currently, I am seated on the couch. It's the first time really since coming home from surgery on Friday that I've sat on the couch instead of lying on the couch. And my knee is bent at about 30 degrees.

I don't know when I'll feel close to myself again. Hopefully in the next three weeks. I've got physical therapy to start. It's a long road - longer I think than I realized - but I will get there.

During this time, I know God will be at work. I'll be leaning on Him and trusting in Him more than ever. I don't really have a choice. I can't white knuckle my way through this or depend solely on myself. I need help. And I need to let people help me. I also need to ask for help.

More than anything, I hate asking for help.

It doesn't matter what it is. Even the smallest things like someone holding the door open for me. Or someone helping me carry out items to the car. Or someone going to an appointment with me. But those smallest things are the kind of things I will need help with for the next three weeks (and hopefully not any longer).

So I am praying. And remembering that I said I wanted my word for the year 2013 to be faith. That alone reminds me that I have to have just that - faith.

This is a setback, as my mom reminded me today. It is not the end of the world. And it is an opportunity for me to trust in Him rather than focusing on the things I can see. As hard as this it, it's such a wonderful reminder to know He is there.

He met me while driving back from the orthopedic surgeon and then the department of public safety where I picked up my handicap sticker. I opened my YouVersion Bible to start reading the Soul Detox Plan from SheReadsTruth. The first two verses were exactly what I needed.

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth." Colossians 3:1-2

God has this. He will see us through all of it and knows how we will navigate the details. He will also provide me with the strength I need. And when I don't have the strength, I have prayer, my husband to cuddle with, dogs to give me kisses, and a mom who knows exactly what I need to hear.

(title from "hold on" by phil wickham)

somehow you got through it

Sitting in the orthopedist's office waiting to learn whether I needed surgery or just lots of physical therapy, I was never scared of having knee surgery. Even in the days leading up the knee surgery, I wasn't scared. I've had enough surgeries (6 total including this one) to know that surgeons tend to know what they are doing and I don't have a negative reaction to anesthesia.

What scared me, and still scares me, is everything that comes after knee surgery. The pain killers. The immobilizer. The crutches. The learning how to walk again. The spending entire days on the couch. The physical therapy. The having to depend on other people for everything.

I felt a bit sorry for myself. I never really mentioned that to anyone, keeping those feelings to myself and doing my best to be positive and confident. But over the past few days of recovery, the thoughts of fear have crept in and tried to take over.

Part of it was that I knew what to expect with this surgery. That made the surgery itself easier but the recovery seem more daunting. I had my first knee surgery while in junior high on my left knee. My second knee surgery was for my right knee and happened the summer before my freshman year of college.

My first knee surgery was a piece of cake compared to my second and now third. The second knee surgery was tough. I remember lots of tears and lots of pain. More tears and pain than I've had with this third surgery thankfully.

Telling the anaesthesiologist, the nurses and the reverend that this was my third knee surgery made me realize just how bad my knees are. They all looked at me with a bit of shock. 27 is a bit young to have to undergo so many procedures for the knees. The fact that following the surgery the surgeon explained just how loose my knee was also made me realize just how bad off they (and I) were. The only reason I didn't have surgery earlier was because I refused to allow them to be that bad.

all bandaged up!

Now, though, I have to face my bad knees. With physical therapy and rehab. With the knowledge that I will always have to be extra careful. And with the determination to lose this weight and strengthen my legs as much as humanly possible.

It's kind of funny that I'm so focused on what comes next when right now I'm not comfortable. I'm better than I was when I first came home from the hospital, but pain still grips me - sometimes it's constant and sometimes it's fleeting. There's a part of me that's beyond ready to rip my immobilizer off and start bending my knee; there's also a part of me that isn't so sure I'll be ready to move from an immobilizer to a regular brace.

I told my fears to my mom, who is staying with us and helping me heal while my husband works, and she told me I think too much. And I do think too much. Especially when I'm resigned to sit on the couch and rest.

I want to take these fears and turn them into something else. Determination, maybe. Or drive? Goals and successes, too. Anything but fears that stop me in my tracks and make it difficult for me to move on and conquer the things I've set out to conquer.

Up until today, I've spent a lot of time watching TV and trying to read. A lot of time sleeping too. I know watching TV and sleeping are good while recovering, but I don't want to spend all my time doing those things. That's part of the reason I'm here today - documenting my fears. It's also part of the reason I submitted documents to officially become a contributor to another site. And part of why I finally started working on my novel again today.

I always want a week at home to write and spend time on household projects. But I've seen this week as more of a sentence than a chance to write. With a little attitude adjustment from my mom, and a friend calling me out on twitter, I am changing my mind set. My mom has the household projects under control, and I've got my MacBook in front of me.

I suppose writing is my first step towards turning my fears into something else. My next step? The first post-operative appointment I have scheduled for this Thursday. And then? Going back to work.

But I need to not focus on everything that comes after this first step and instead focus on healing and writing.

And I need to remember that knee surgery and bad knees are not the end of the world. They're just a reason to work even harder and prove to myself (and everyone else) that I will overcome.

(title from "age of worry" by john mayer)