when you're weak

while in houston ... not while recovering

My mom drove me to my first post operative appointment this morning. I was hopeful that after the appointment I would feel ready to go back to work and armed with a brace that would allow me to bend my knee.

Instead, I walked out of the appointment in tears and wearing a new brace that allows me to bend my knee up to 30 degrees. Except it hurt to bend my knee and scared me.

My mom told me all day how well I was doing and to focus on the small things. Because those small things will lead to bigger things. She also told me to be patient. That it will take time, that it will hurt, but that I will get there and will be stronger at the end of this journey.

It's taken me a few hours to see that she is right, but I am getting there. Currently, I am seated on the couch. It's the first time really since coming home from surgery on Friday that I've sat on the couch instead of lying on the couch. And my knee is bent at about 30 degrees.

I don't know when I'll feel close to myself again. Hopefully in the next three weeks. I've got physical therapy to start. It's a long road - longer I think than I realized - but I will get there.

During this time, I know God will be at work. I'll be leaning on Him and trusting in Him more than ever. I don't really have a choice. I can't white knuckle my way through this or depend solely on myself. I need help. And I need to let people help me. I also need to ask for help.

More than anything, I hate asking for help.

It doesn't matter what it is. Even the smallest things like someone holding the door open for me. Or someone helping me carry out items to the car. Or someone going to an appointment with me. But those smallest things are the kind of things I will need help with for the next three weeks (and hopefully not any longer).

So I am praying. And remembering that I said I wanted my word for the year 2013 to be faith. That alone reminds me that I have to have just that - faith.

This is a setback, as my mom reminded me today. It is not the end of the world. And it is an opportunity for me to trust in Him rather than focusing on the things I can see. As hard as this it, it's such a wonderful reminder to know He is there.

He met me while driving back from the orthopedic surgeon and then the department of public safety where I picked up my handicap sticker. I opened my YouVersion Bible to start reading the Soul Detox Plan from SheReadsTruth. The first two verses were exactly what I needed.

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth." Colossians 3:1-2

God has this. He will see us through all of it and knows how we will navigate the details. He will also provide me with the strength I need. And when I don't have the strength, I have prayer, my husband to cuddle with, dogs to give me kisses, and a mom who knows exactly what I need to hear.

(title from "hold on" by phil wickham)