I walked out of the doctor's appointment with a paper that said my surgery was scheduled for 7am on January 25th and that my first post-operative appointment was scheduled for 8:15am on January 31st.
No tears fell while in the doctor's office. Instead I made jokes and asked questions about rehabilitation, how soon I could return to work. The approach he is taking is, from what I can tell, more conservative. It is essentially the same surgery I had on my right knee nearly 10 years ago. There was another surgery, one that involved breaking bone and more rehabilitation, that he mentioned and I said no too.
But I'm terrified that once the surgery starts he will see the conservative approach won't work. He mentioned that it seems to have worked well with my right knee. And it has though I know that as I start physical therapy on my left knee I will also have to do the same with my right knee.
I mentioned losing weight to him and said I know that likely contributes to my knee problems. He said losing weight is good but that my weight is not the issue with my knees. I'm pre-disposed to have problems with my knees. It all comes down to my alignment being off.
There's comfort in knowing that it isn't my weight. That I am not the sole reason for this injury. But it's also frustrating to know I will likely have knee problems for the remainder of my life. And I'm only 27.
I cried once I was in the car. The walls came down and the reality settled in. I went into the appointment hopeful and left knowing what was facing me.
I said I would have faith in 2013. And I meant it. God is so much bigger than all of this. He knows what rests before me. He knows the trials we will face. And He knows what the outcome will be so I need to trust in Him and rest in Him.
There isn't a whole lot I can do to prepare for surgery. But I am committed to healthy eating. I allowed myself a bad meal last night of Chik-Fil-A and now there will be no more bad food. I will do my best while recovering from surgery as well. I do not want this to be the reason I fall back into my old ways of gain back the weight I've lost so far on Weight Watchers.
And I am committed to praying. To clinging to God through this time and to not worrying over the small details.
This is a setback. But it is also a setup.
It will setup my recommitment to strength. It will setup a desire to see this weight loss through this year. It will setup a story for me to tell. It will setup even more success to follow.
(title from "the moment i knew" by taylor swift)