you're gonna have to fight

Faced with surgery in less than two weeks, I know I have to stay positive. I'm not sure what will happen exactly when I'm under anesthesia because I don't know just how bad my knee is. So I also have no idea what to expect as far as recovery. I'm just hoping it will be a week or so off of work and then back to light duty.

I know reality might be different. And I'm prepared for that. I just don't want to focus on it.

It's not easy to think this way. It would be so much easier to feel defeated. To think about how all my hard work up to this point just doesn't matter. To determine that the surgery and recovery is going to be terrible.

I've felt that way some. Moments of doubt creep in, and I suddenly feel frozen. And then I pray. It all goes away.

At church on Sunday, I told my husband I wanted to be positive through this whole process. I want this surgery to be the time I got strength back in my legs and my knees. I don't want this surgery to be the time I gained back 10 pounds.

I tend to eat emotionally. And I've done that some since learning surgery was my only option. I allowed myself to be sad and upset. To grieve. And now it's time to watch what I eat, to be healthy, and to do whatever I can to make it through this surgery with some resemblance of a smile.

We all have choices in our lives, and our choices don't just impact us. They impact the other people around us.

My choice right now is to not be defeated. It is to be empowered.

My choice is to turn this difficult time into a positive time. It is a choice to remember that this is only a moment of my life and not my whole time.

Someone else will need surgery in the future. And they might not be able to be positive. And maybe, just maybe, my story will reach them and help them through.

I don't want to just write about knee surgery in the 11 days proceeding my surgery date, but it's what I am dealing with right now. And this blog has always been about whatever thoughts and situations I am working my way through. So I hope to share more over the next week and a half. And then after surgery we will just have to wait and see.

PS: Go mingle with Meg!

(title from "we both know" by gavin degraw & colbie caillat)