FREEDOM

I struggle with letting go.

I also struggle with holding on.

It's a struggle that is deeply ingrained in me. I can't seem to release the plans I had for myself. I cling tightly to the things I once thought were important and fight against all that God has laid before me. I miss the days of yesterday when things seemed a bit simpler.

And I long to go back. To change words that were said. My words and the words of others. I overthink mistakes I've made and relive hurtful conversations. And sometimes, with all that, there are more mistakes and more hurtful words. Mistakes that I make, hurtful words I say, and also the actions of others that pierce my heart.

I've been quick to judge sometimes. Quick to jump to my defense and wonder why it is that things are happening. But God's been restoring me lately and has sought to repair those hurts by reminding me constantly of the hurts I've caused others and then helping me to reconcile those things with Him.

And I've had to let go. God has pried my white knuckles from relationships, from the past, and from what I decided the future would look like. He's wiped the slate clean countless times and reminded me that He loves me enough to give me a future that is more lovely than anything I could dream up.

I've been blown away lately. Truly blown away. But I've also found myself drifting into dark places where all the joy that surrounds this time in our lives is threatened to be taken away. The darkness has not won, though, and it never will. Because God's light shines brighter than anything.

It all sounds so cryptic. And while I long to spill all the details, I know it's my own humanity that longs to spill the details. The truth is that the details don't matter. What matters is that God has taken every ugly thing and used it to make my life more of a reflection of Him.

I want that more than I've really ever wanted anything. I want my life to reflect Him at all times. And by staying in a place of hurt and anger, I don't reflect Him at all. In fact, I hide Him and all that He is doing in my life.

Yes, there is a place and a time to seek counsel. To sit down with other believers and spill my heart for them to see and help to heal. But that place is not one in which I am filled with judgement. That time is not one in which I'm seeking justification for how I feel. Rather that time and place is when I've cried my tears and truly want to move on.

I'm moving on now. With grace. And with help from a God who knows better than I do and is so much stronger than I could ever be. And it's hard. It's harder than anything.

I constantly remind myself to pray. To pray for myself. To pray against any anger or hurt. To pray for the people I feel hurt by. To prayerfully seek forgiveness for any hatred in my heart and for any pain I've caused others. To pray for guidance, for continued strength to move forward, and for a clear path. To pray for knowledge.

There's still a long ways to go. By no means am I where I need to be. But God has been beyond faithful. He has given me peace when all I feel is hurt and anger and a passion that threatens to boil over into something else. He has placed people into my life who have spoken truth and given me the ears to hear the truth when on my own I would plug my ears and ignore anything that was said.

He has reminded me of His forgiveness and what that means. He's given me a heart for prayer in which He calls to mind different people and I pray over them. He's given me a vision for the future and taken away that anxiety that threatens to claim me when I think about how different the future looks for me.

I could say that this all has to do with foster care and embarking on this journey of motherhood. That would be true. I know God is pruning me and breaking me of my habits and filling me up with love so that I'm a little more prepared to be in the position of being a mother. But there's so much more to it.

He's raising up a new person. He's reminding me that the person I once was is no more. And while I've known that for years, I've never truly accepted it to be truth, and so I've found it hard to move past certain issues in my life. Like weight loss. He's telling me that it's no longer okay for me to hide or hold on but that it's time to let go and simply let God.

Of course, letting go and letting God is never simple. It's anything but simple. Because it takes away any resemblance of control we once thought we had.

I don't remember the last time I had true control. Between knee surgery and embarking on an adventure to become foster parents and moving congregations and opening up our lives to become community group leaders, I've been more dependent on God and on others than ever before. And while I still crave control (and have a ways to go until I fully relinquish control), God has shown me how in control He is and has taken care of every single need I have.

There's freedom in that. It's a scary freedom but still it's freedom. Freedom to believe that it's okay to let go. Freedom to forgive. Freedom to be forgiven. Freedom to open myself up to loving others. Freedom to listen to what others have to say. Freedom to bare my heart. Freedom to not judge.

And that freedom is so much better than holding on and never letting go.

when you're weak

while in houston ... not while recovering

My mom drove me to my first post operative appointment this morning. I was hopeful that after the appointment I would feel ready to go back to work and armed with a brace that would allow me to bend my knee.

Instead, I walked out of the appointment in tears and wearing a new brace that allows me to bend my knee up to 30 degrees. Except it hurt to bend my knee and scared me.

My mom told me all day how well I was doing and to focus on the small things. Because those small things will lead to bigger things. She also told me to be patient. That it will take time, that it will hurt, but that I will get there and will be stronger at the end of this journey.

It's taken me a few hours to see that she is right, but I am getting there. Currently, I am seated on the couch. It's the first time really since coming home from surgery on Friday that I've sat on the couch instead of lying on the couch. And my knee is bent at about 30 degrees.

I don't know when I'll feel close to myself again. Hopefully in the next three weeks. I've got physical therapy to start. It's a long road - longer I think than I realized - but I will get there.

During this time, I know God will be at work. I'll be leaning on Him and trusting in Him more than ever. I don't really have a choice. I can't white knuckle my way through this or depend solely on myself. I need help. And I need to let people help me. I also need to ask for help.

More than anything, I hate asking for help.

It doesn't matter what it is. Even the smallest things like someone holding the door open for me. Or someone helping me carry out items to the car. Or someone going to an appointment with me. But those smallest things are the kind of things I will need help with for the next three weeks (and hopefully not any longer).

So I am praying. And remembering that I said I wanted my word for the year 2013 to be faith. That alone reminds me that I have to have just that - faith.

This is a setback, as my mom reminded me today. It is not the end of the world. And it is an opportunity for me to trust in Him rather than focusing on the things I can see. As hard as this it, it's such a wonderful reminder to know He is there.

He met me while driving back from the orthopedic surgeon and then the department of public safety where I picked up my handicap sticker. I opened my YouVersion Bible to start reading the Soul Detox Plan from SheReadsTruth. The first two verses were exactly what I needed.

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth." Colossians 3:1-2

God has this. He will see us through all of it and knows how we will navigate the details. He will also provide me with the strength I need. And when I don't have the strength, I have prayer, my husband to cuddle with, dogs to give me kisses, and a mom who knows exactly what I need to hear.

(title from "hold on" by phil wickham)

outside the lines

Sometimes I feel like I set myself up for failure by talking about the lessons I have learned so far or how I plan to do better.

It seems that as soon as I say something of the sort, life gets busy and I find myself with less time to exercise and less time to plan out my meals. Or maybe it is just that I am hyper aware of everything.

Over the past few days, I've felt like I was failing. A hurt knee coupled with an extremely busy work schedule coupled with lots of time out with my husband and my friends has equaled no exercise and lots of eating.

I chose to do those things. And I chose to eat poorly when we went out as well as to have two beers and a cosmopolitan. I will never place blame for those things on anyone but myself. They were my choices.

Were those choices made because of how determined I was to not fail? I don't really have an answer.

Right now all I know is that this week has been everything I wanted it to be and everything I promised myself it wouldn't be. It was filled with friends, laughter, relaxation and an all around good time. That's what I wanted. But it was also filled with no working out and eating a few too many sweets which is what I promised myself it wouldn't be.

I don't want to dwell on the mistakes or on the week itself. I want to move forward. But I want to learn if I set myself up for disappointment and failure by placing so many wants and demands on myself.

What do you think? Do you think sometimes bringing issues to light makes it/them (whatever it or them may be) harder to overcome?

(title from "unwritten" by natasha bedingfield)

it takes everything in me

sad that i haven't been to the gym.

This week had been difficult for me. The gym and I have barely seen each other. That work-out schedule I made? I never came close to following it. My work schedule has been hectic and different. And I've been fighting with yet another injury coupled with exhaustion.

It's not that I haven't been here before. I have. And I know that I'll be here again. That's just how life is. It's ever changing and moving. I like a life with a rather fast pace, but sometimes - like this past week - I need a chance for something to slow down and for some sense of normalcy.

I'm having to watch my hours at my part-time job, so I have been home more in the evenings which has resulted in more time on the couch and with my husband. I need that time to reconnect with him and be close to him, but I have forfeited the gym to spend time with him. That has been my choice - enjoy as much time on the couch and next to him as I possibly can.

I need to find balance. I'd found it (or at least started to) over the past few weeks and thought I knew what I was doing. I was determined, driven, inspired and in control. Now I still feel determined but my drive is taking me in multiple directions.

There was a time that I would have let me eating get out of control. And while I have not been perfect this past week (I have only stayed within my calories once since last Wednesday), I haven't turned to pizza or ice cream or McDonald's for comfort.

For me, I think the most important thing is to recognize my fumbling as soon as it happens and not allow time to pass by. The less time that passes the less likely I am to negate every ounce of hard work I've done.

It's overwhelming. Losing weight. Changing habits you've had for years. Adjusting to life happening. Never having a 100% set schedule. Attempting to balance all the aspects of life. Making healthy choices. Knowing what constitutes a healthy choice and what constitutes an unhealthy choice.

There has been time to work out, but I've chosen to do other things. Like get my nails done or run to the store. Those choices aren't necessarily bad but they're yet another reason I haven't made it to the gym. I could easily blame it all on everything but myself and my choices. I want to do just that. But incorrectly placing blame does nothing for me; it only helps perpetuate the vicious cycle that is losing and then regaining weight - a cycle I want to fully free myself of.

This week hasn't been all bad. I've still tracked everything I've eaten. I've stayed under 2000 calories eaten every single day. I've moved for parts of the days. And I've relaxed more - something I very rarely do. It's been a treat to see my husband and dogs for more than tiny amounts of time.

It's all about balance. And I've never been good at balance. But I'm recognizing my shortcomings more and more and doing everything I can to overcome them as soon as I know they are there. I think they call that growth.

(title from "i almost do" by taylor swift)

so lead me back

I've been on this journey for longer than I like to admit (it started back in the middle of 2011) and much longer than I like to think about. I've had both setbacks (like this one and this one) and successes (like this one and this one); though the setbacks seems to outweigh the successes. And through it all, I've wondered why it is that I have yet to cross the finish line. I've wondered why so many other people have been able to do it while I just can't seem to.

I'm not quite sure there's an answer to the question why. If there is, I'm not quite sure I want to know what it is.

What I do know, right now, is that I have to make hard decisions. What I do know, right now, is that I have to be the change. I have to say no to eating at certain restaurants. I have to not just give in because it's easy. It's not fair to expect others to plan their meals and life around me, so I have to plan, pick, and choose around me.

I have to truly put myself first - which is honestly the hardest thing for me to do. My heart and my passions are for caring for other people. But if I don't stop and look inward... if I don't spend time focusing on myself.. then I'm never going to cross the finish line and I am always going to let someone else be the priority. I am always going to wonder why I just can't do it.

On Sunday, I said no to lunch at a local Mexican food restaurant. I told my husband to go, and I stayed home. After eating too much Saturday night, I just knew I couldn't do it.

Temptation is always there. I did well Saturday. I chose a grilled chicken sandwich and chili for lunch at Steak N Shake over a double steak burger and fries. I watched others enjoy a milk shake and instead sipped my diet coke. For dinner, I chose food off the under 500 calorie menu at Longhorn. And I said no - repeatedly - to cake, but after hours of seeing the cake and smelling it, I couldn't say no. And so I ate a rather large slice along with a little container of ice cream. 

I just don't have the willpower right now. I know what is best for me and what works for me, but really, more than anything, I want to be normal. I want to be able to enjoy foods in moderation like it seems everyone else can. But I am not that person. I am not someone who is happy with a sliver of cake or a single scoop of ice cream. I want a large piece with lots of frosting and the biggest bowl of ice cream.

It's exhausting being this way. And it's lonely. And hard. But I can't continue living in a state of equal (or greater than) setbacks compared to successes. It's not fair to me or to my health.

So I am going to continue to take myself out of situations. And I am going to make a commitment to myself every single morning. And when it gets hard, I am going to pray for help because I can't do this on my own.

(title from "ghosts that we knew" by mumford and sons)

now i'll be bold as well as strong

Today I start over - yet again.

I keep telling myself that I've got this. I know what to eat and how much to eat. I understand how important exercise is and that nutrition is even more important. I've seen the number on the scale shrink along with my waistline. But I still let myself trip up.

It just takes one time for me. One diet coke. One order of Chicken McNuggets. Just one and all my hard work is forgotten as I eat McDondald's for a second, third, fourth, and fifth time. Just one, and I forget how much I need water and instead want nothing more than a huge, ice cold diet coke.

Some people can enjoy those things in moderation. Maybe one day I will be a some people. But today I am not.

The past few weeks have been some of the hardest I've experience recently. We moved out of our house and in with my in-laws. The move was quick, and we anticipated the closing on our house - the official end to one chapter of our lives. But instead, the closing has been pushed back five times and we continue to wait to sign on the dotted line and hand the keys over to the new owners,

I've worked more than normal. While 60 hour work weeks aren't easy, I adjusted to them and they became my new normal. But the past few weeks have brought 70+ hour work weeks, and I simply can not adjust. I've spent most of my weekends sleeping in and napping. Thankfully I've been able to work week adjust and stay home late some of the mornings. I think that's been the only saving grace.

And exercise? What is that? I did so well for so long. I decided to invest in myself and hired a personal trainer. I could feel and see the differences just a few weeks in, but then one evening, after an especially grueling session of step-ups and squats, I sat down on the step for a break and almost cried. Something was wrong with my knee.

It didn't hurt when I walked - only when I bent it. We took it easy for the rest of that session and the one following that. Then over a week went by with no work outs. I had what is commonly called runners knee, also known as iliotibial band syndrome.

To me it was my worst fears coming true. And I fell apart. The busyness, the lack of a closing, being injured.. it was all too much. So I turned inward and let myself seek comfort in diet coke and food that did nothing good for my body or my soul.

Through it all, I've prayed. I've sought guidance from the Lord and asked for strength. There have been lots of tears, but He has met me where I am. Now it is time for me to meet Him where He is waiting for me.

So I am back on track. Sitting at my computer and writing. Reading blogs I've just barely glanced at in a month. Signing up to do guest posts. Purchasing fruit from the grocery store. Promising myself that I'll once again drink unsweet tea with lots of lemon or water and not diet coke. Reminding myself that I've come too far to go back to where I started.

And hoping that maybe there are others who understand, other who struggle, others who will recommit with me.

I know I have to have a plan or else I'll be back where I started today. My lifestyle is hectic and makes it difficult to cook and plan every meal but not impossible. Nothing is impossible if I set my mind to it.

With that in mind, my plan is this:

I need to simply remember. Remember why I want this. Why it is important. Why I can not and will not give up. Because it's not going to stop being hard. My life is not going to stop being busy. Only I can change my perspective. Only I can be disciplined enough to remember and never forget. Only I can be disciplined enough to keep going even when it seems I am doing nothing right and it seems like the hard work will never pay off. Because one day the hard work will be worth it. One day I will be a success story. One day I will look back at this moment and know that I did it because I chose to be disciplined.

(title from "i will wait" by mumford & sons)

looking for the reason why

Several weeks ago, I received an email from Lydia Hirt offering me an advanced copy of the book Shades of Hope. The book is written by Tennie McCarty, who runs a treatment center for addiction in Texas and specializes in food addiction in its various forms. I almost turned down the offer - thinking the book wouldn't be of any use to me, but a little voice inside my head told me to accept the offer and crack open the pages of the book once it arrived. Maybe it would resonate with me, and then again maybe it wouldn't.

I am so glad I listened to the little voice. I've had the book for almost a month now, and while I haven't finished it yet, I am growing more and more as I read the words.

My life has been all over the place, and the free time I've had has been spent doing things like shopping and game nights with friends. But my mind often wanders to the book and all the lines I have highlighted.

There are so many things that make this weight loss journey difficult. Some of those things right now include my busyness. But most of those things are the choices I am making - choices that are not beneficial to my losing 100 pounds. Because even if I am busy, there is still time for me to make good choices. There is still time for a quick work out. I just don't make the choice to squeeze in a work out or the choice to eat a salad instead of a hamburger.

The question then becomes why. Why, when I know what I should do, do I choose to do the things I shouldn't do? Why, when I have come so far already, do I find it difficult to move forward and allow myself to slide backwards? I hope to one day, preferably soon, have the answers to those questions.

I don't want to fail. I don't want to go weeks without seeing the inside of a gym or weeks without drinking at least 64 ounces of water a day. I don't want to let all my hard work, and the work of those who have taught me, inspired me, and believed in me, to go to waste. I want to stand on the scale and see a 100 pounds lost and know that I am the winner of my own life.

Shades of Hope speaks to some of this. When I read the pages, I find pieces of myself in the book and am reminded of the fact that even though I feel alone in this weight loss journey I am not. There are many people who have gone before me and mastered so many of the same questions and struggles as I am trying to master right now. There will also be people who come after me and need to be reminded that they also are not alone.

There's a quote near the beginning of the book that says "The one thing I do see - from the woman looking to lose forty pounds to the man who needs to lose four hundred - is that our addiction is not defined by how much or little we eat, but rather by how we feel about ourselves."

I underlined those words, and went back to them just now. Because I feel like I've lost - like I can't do this.

I know I shouldn't feel that way, and while the feeling has diminished some, it is still there. Sunday morning found me feeling heavy, ugly, and frustrated with myself. I wanted to simply stay in bed and hide from the world, but I got up instead, showered, fixed my hair, put on make-up and walked out of the door still feeling heavy, ugly, and frustrated with myself.

Our church started a new series on Sunday based on the book Real Marriage by Mark Driscoll. At the end of the service, we had the opportunity to stand in line and take pictures in a photo booth - married couples, dating couples, singles and families. While we each took a copy of the photos, the church would also get a copy and hang them up in the prayer room so that during the series they could pray for all of us.

I grabbed a few accessories for both my husband and I, after making him stand in line, and we ducked into the photo booth and went about taking four pictures. Minutes later, we held them in hand, and he turned to me and said "See? I told you that you looked beautiful."

When I looked at the pictures, I felt beautiful too. Not quite where I want to be but beautiful still. The girl I saw in the pictures wasn't the girl I had seen in the mirror earlier that day.

And suddenly those words from Shades of Hope resonated even more. Because I realized that busyness has not been the reason at all that I've made poor choices. It's been what I placed blame on as I took my eyes off of myself and stopped feeling that I was strong and capable as I had weeks before.

I always say that I am in a season of life. And usually when I say this, I say it as a way of prefacing something. It's a way to explain why I did this and not that. But being in a season of life is not a reason to do or not do. It's not an excuse to hold onto when I make the wrong choices. Being in a season of life is simply part of life, and I need to welcome it with open arms instead of considering how to get out of it.

I'm really not sure where I go from where or what I'll do next. I just know that I have to feel positively about myself. I know that, as our church unpacks marriage, I need to turn to my husband more and let him in even more because he is there to help me. And honestly, as independent as I am, I can't (nor do I want to) do this - any of this - without his support. Because he is my biggest supporter and cheerleader and accountability partner.

What I do know is that I am excited. I am excited for this season and the opportunities it is providing. I am excited for the lessons I am learning - lessons I hope to be able write down and somehow share. I'm excited for the future and for the constant reminders of how lucky I am to be living this life God has blessed me with.

And I'm excited to look in the mirror and start seeing the girl from the photo booth.

(title from "blinding light" by switchfoot)

when it hurts me most

I still don't know what my new normal is, and I've used that as an excuse this week. Everything changes after Friday when I leave one full-time job and head to the next full-time job. Knowing that I've allowed myself to slip.

I've consumed things I shouldn't. I've ordered the largest size of everything I could. I've ignored calories. I've given up on drinking water all together it seems. I've done everything I know not to do.

Every time I make a bad choice I realize it. I feel guilty for a bit but never guilty enough to not make the bad choice in the first place.

It's not okay for me to do this - to slip back and to forget all I've learned. I may have come so far but I still have so far to go.

I hate writing this as a blog post. Because I feel like I've said all of this so many times before. I feel like I should be past this point with more weight lost and back to craving salads again. But right now I'm not.

So it's back to the start in many ways. I can't guarantee a perfect restart on this day because I know everything will change, for the better, come Monday. But I can promise to make better choices and to be aware of the bad choices.

And I will make better choices. I will choose water. I will choose the healthy option. I will stop making excuses. I will love myself enough to do what is best for me.

(title from "no other way" by paolo nutini)

done looking for the critics (week 13)

This week, I've thought a lot about letters. I've even sent a few out into the universe care of twitter. There's so much left to say - so much I haven't had time to say this week - and I can't form all of it into a blog post, but I can write letters.

Dear Husband,
I'm glad you've found frozen food (steamable Lean Cusinines, anyone?) you can eat when I'm working nights. And I'm even more glad we have family and friends who will feed you homecooked dinners. You've been so supportive with me changing jobs and working two jobs, and I am so grateful for that and for you. Our lengthy phone conversations make me feel even closer to you. Can't wait for an entire weekend with you (and our two demanding dogs).


Dear BootCamp,
You challenge me. And it scares me. I want to challenge myself when I'm not with you (at you? doing you?). But I don't know how to. I'm hoping that my last week with you will be the exact amount of knowledge I need to be able to challenge myself when I'm all alone at the gym. You also hurt - although I don't realize that until the next day. Thank you for reminding me that I'm not yet ready to run a marathon (or even a 5K). Also I hope to find your replacement soon and also hope that you can forgive me for thinking/saying you can be replaced.

Dear Self,
You might be sabotaging yourself. Or maybe you're just upset with the scale and giving into the higher number. Please remember that the scale fluctuates daily. You know what your real weight is. Remember that. And don't be afraid to ask for help if you can't seem to get the scale to go down. The number you see there is not the end all or be all. Also - do more jumping jacks and squats and go run/walk at least two miles today; that's an order. (PS: if you don't make it to the gym, forgive yourself and then do extra miles over the weekend and more squats; that's an order too.)

Dear Weight Watchers,
I've said no nearly every time someone has mentioned my joining you. I've said you were too expensive and that I didn't have time for your meetings. I think, though, I might have to join. I'm worth spending the money and time on after all. If I do become a member (again - we met in high school, remember?), please be nice and gentle.

Dear Husband (who gets 2 letters a la Today's Letters),
I don't know if I was supposed to see it or not, but I noticed a particular book sitting on the dining room table. Thank you, and I promise to act surprised if I am not supposed to know it's there. You listen so well and remember the things I want the most. Thank you for loving me with my love language and being patient with me as I continue to learn how to love you with your love language. (PS: I love revisiting our first dates and can't wait to be your "super hot" wife once I finish losing all this weight! Also thank you for supporting my ever changing hair color. Can't wait to be blonde [again] like I was back when we met in 2008.)


(title from "f*ckin perfect" by pink)

ten feet off the ground

Sometimes I think losing weight should be easy. Maybe not for everyone but for me. For me it should be easy. I'm young. I don't have children to care for. I can cook whatever I want for dinner. My husband is supportive and pushes me to go to the gym even on the days that I don't want to.

But it isn't easy. It's really hard.

But it's not impossible. It's never impossible.

The Biggest Loser episode Tuesday night touched on the excuse of "I can't do it on my own." Weeks into their journey on the ranch and many of the contestants said that, were their trainer taken from them, they felt like they would fail without guidance. It made me want to reach into the television and shake every contestant because they already have something I don't have: eight hours (at least) a day to dedicate to exercise and meal planning.

The red team (spoiler alert) spent a week in the gym without a trainer telling them what to do. They were responsible for pushing themselves, for creating their work-outs, for making sure they burned every calorie possible. They did everything I am doing on a daily basis.

There are plenty of days when I don't do as well as I should. There are plenty of days when I don't push myself as hard as I should in the gym. Days when I choose something else over going to the gym. Days when I decide it's easier to eat something quick and unhealthy instead of spending the time to chop vegetables and cook a lean meat.

I don't have anything to tell anyone who is just starting out - other than my story. There's no trick to this whole weight loss or healthy living thing that I've found works 100% of the time. Yes, you need to watch what you eat and be active. But how each person does that is different. What I do works for me, most of the time, but it might not work for someone else.

Weight loss is constant. Meals need to always be planned and sometimes replanned. There's a choice to be made every night: sit on the couch at the end of the day or pack lunch and dinner for the next day.

My goal for this week has been to be prepared. I started the week off strong and didn't waiver from my already prepared meals on Monday. But then tonight happened, and my emotions got the best of me.

It would have been easy to say the week was a waste. A part of me wanted to say just that - to curl up on the couch after Community Group and simply watch The Biggest Loser. But hearing all their complaints about how the red team simply couldn't do it without a trainer made me realize how important it is to show myself that I can do this and that I won't let any excuses get in my way.

I'm continuing with food. I finished the baked scallops for lunch Tuesday and ate turkey chili for dinner Monday night. Lunch today will be turkey chili, and I threw together my own variation of Crock Pot Santa Fe Chicken (excluding corn and adding green bell pepper and onion as well as extra diced tomatoes) before slipping into bed last night.

Foods like ice cream, pizza, and fried chicken sandwiches I could eat for days on end. But I grow tired of baked chicken and fish, so my menu needs to constantly adapt. Baking bay scallops over the weekend and changing up the Crock Pot Santa Fe Chicken recipe did just that for me. Not only is the pallet change good but it reminds me that I can (and should) continue to stretch myself in the kitchen.

I think that's one of the reasons weight loss doesn't come easy for me. My love of bad-for-you food currently outweighs my love of good-for-you food. And I have to watch every single morsel of food I put into my mouth. I am constantly calculation how many calories I ate in a day, checking MyFitnessPal to see how many grams of protein I ate, and reminding myself that the ease of some foods is not worth it.

Some people can just watch calories. I'm not one of those people. Some people can spend hours in the gym and lose the weight. I'm not one of those people, either. For me everything has to be in line, so even though I don't have children to tend to, it's still hard for me.

There are times when I let other people's comments about how this is the time of my life to lose the weight get to me. Times when the voice inside my head takes their words and turns those words on me - causing me to wonder what it is that is so wrong with me that I've only lost 36 pounds in a 10 month period.

There is nothing wrong with me. Or with anyone who takes longer to lose the weight. Because as long as you're getting healthy, you're doing what you need to do for you.

Not everyone has the chance to go on The Biggest Loser. I don't - that's for sure. But I also remember that not everyone needs to be on The Biggest Loser to change their lives. I would love the opportunity, but I also love the fact that I am dispelling the excuse of "I can't do this without a trainer" every single day.

Baked Bay Scallops
Ingredients
1 lb. bay scallops (I used a frozen package of small scallops)
2-3 tablespoons of lemon juice (or to taste)
1/2 tablespoon dried rosemary (or to taste)
1/2 tablespoon dried thyme (or to taste)
1-2 tablespoons olive oil
Directions
1. Pre-heat oven to 400. If frozen, thaw scallops per instructions.
2. Combine all ingredients - mixing well.
3. Bake for 15 minutes, stirring occasionally.

I ate the baked bay scallops alongside homemade ratatouille, and it was delicious. A great combination of flavors! The lemon with the scallops, I think, makes this recipe.

(title from "apologize" by onerepublic)

running around my head

I spent much of last week adjusting to my new normal. But my adjustment period was more than an adjustment - it was a week filled with excuses and poor choices.

I ate fast food several times last week. And I made bad choices every single time - ordering french fries instead of asking for a side salad, getting a fried chicken sandwich instead of a turkey sandwich. When we went out for dinner on Saturday night, I ate lots of bread and polished off a plate of tortellini and alfredo pasta before eating Girl Scout cookies at a friends house.

I recognized what I was doing the entire time - but I didn't stop myself. I even went so far as to point out, at dinner on Saturday, that I recognized the healthy options but chose the unhealthy options because who wants to eat healthy food at a restaurant?

I'm not proud of those days or last week, but I learned (or re-learned actually) a valuable lesson. I am my own worst enemy, and I too easily fall back into old habits.

Real life does not always afford the opportunity to be in control of how something is prepared. Real life sometimes means grabbing dinner from a fast food restaurant, but you can always make a healthy choice.

I regretted my poor decisions every time. And every time I promised myself that it wouldn't happen again. But it did - until tonight.

We ate lunch with my in-laws earlier today. I enjoyed mashed potatoes and a roll along with some roast, and I finished the meal with a delicious, moist cupcake. Every bite was wonderful, but I knew that the evening would not go the way of the rest of the day (which started with breakfast from McDonald's). I was determined to take my newfound knowledge about myself and make a plan for the upcoming week.

I'd gone grocery shopping the week before and filled the refrigerator with fresh produce and meat. The freezer held frozen scallops, frozen mahi mahi, and other frozen meats. And once we were home from lunch, I set about cooking enough food to last me the rest of week. I have ratatouille to eat, grilled mahi mahi (recipe found here), baked scallops (recipe coming this week), and there is a batch of turkey chili (recipe also coming later this week) cooking in the CrockPot currently. There is also chicken thawing so I can make chicken salad and lightly smothered chicken later in the week.

I needed a week of failure. It reminded me of how easily it is to slip back into an unhealthy lifestyle and also reminded me of how far I've come. Because my choices weren't good but they could have been so much worse. And it showed me that I never want to go back to where I used to be.

I don't know how long I can eat a low-carb diet. I don't know if I'll be able to continue to stick with South Beach Diet for the remainder of my weight loss journey. I do know that I will never not eat fast food. I do know that, at some point if the future, I will forget to plan and will be faced with the choice of what to order while in the drive-thru.

When that happens, I will remember the last week - how I felt a few days feeling sick because of what I ate, how I spent a Sunday planning and cooking lunch and dinners. I'll remember the stress already cooked food eliminated from my life and that I didn't let a week of bad choices stop me from continuing on in my journey.

There were other lessons last week, too. Lessons that I'm still working through at the gym as I push myself to go faster on the elliptical. Lessons that I can't wait to really learn and then apply to the remainder of my journey.

(title from "why do i" by joe purdy)

done looking for the critics (week 12)

I'm still here - just adjusting to a new normal. That's how the next few weeks, maybe in the next month or two, will be.

My new normal includes a 60-hour work week. Right now, it's 20-hours at a part-time job and 40-hours at my current full-time job. In a few weeks, it will be 20-hours at a part-time job and 40-hours at a new full-time job. It sounds crazy to type that out and claim it as my life, but it's there. And I know that it is right where I am supposed to be.

But knowing it is right where I am supposed to be does not make it any easier. In fact, it makes a little more difficult because I can feel myself easing into the transitions and allowing things to take their course rather than planning how I will transition.

I see it the most, right now, with food and water and how those things seem to be slipping away from homecooked dinners and into fast food dinners where I don't make the best choices possible.

I'm not home at dinner time now. I'm driving between two work places and stopping at the healthiest and quickest place I can think of. And every time, I have a choice to make of what I will order. So far I haven't made the healthiest choices. I've had french fries instead of a salad and sourdough bread instead of wheat bread. I don't know why, though. Is it that I miss those foods and am saying to hell with watching every morsel of food? Or is that it's just so much easier to order food the way it comes rather than ask for it to be changed?

And the gym. Right now, I complete my work-outs during my lunch hour and then return to work sweaty and a little stinky. When I start my new full-time job, I may not have that as an option. So, then, when will I have time? I honestly don't know, but I do know that I will make time for the gym.

If I can make time to work two jobs, I can make time for the gym. If I can make time to spend with my husband, I can make time for the gym. There is no excuse for not having time.

And water. I don't drink nearly enough water. I try to, but I don't make it a priority. That needs to change - maybe more than anything. My body is craving it. I feel dehydrated when I wake from a night's rest. Yes, my food choices need some improving, but I've stayed at or below my calorie allotment each day this week. I have't consumed the amount of water I need.

So I know I need to plan much better than I have. There will be little time in the mornings to whip up dinner, and foods cooked in the CrockPot need to be done so the night before so I can take them for lunch, and maybe even dinner. And I need to recommit to myself and to this journey. Because without commitment, I will fail.

The commitment part almost seems more difficult than the planning. I am so tired of having to commit and then recommit. I am exhausted from reminding myself of why I am doing this in the first place. I'm over looking in the mirror, in the midst of zumba or another class, and seeing a girl that still has so long to go.

I'm ready for the journey to be over. I'm ready to know that I actually did it. I'm ready to see the hard work pay off and not just hear from others that it is paying off. I'm ready to be healthy and fit and to be able to tell others that they too can do it (without feeling like a hypocrite).

Right now, I feel like a hypocrite. I feel like a liar for telling people they can do it when I'm hurriedly eating dinner from Chik-Fil-A. I feel like I am somehow failing myself, and everyone else, because I'm not even to the halfway mark.

And yes, I could watch what I eat more and drink more water. I need to do those things. But even doing all of that exceptionally well does not guarantee that the scale will go down or my clothes will feel looser. The body is a tricky thing and sometimes it decides to hold onto the weight while other times the weight seems to fall off. Right now, I feel like my body is holding onto the weight, and refusing to let go, and it's making it difficult for me to remember that all of this is worth it.

I say all of this because it is where I am right now - not because I am giving up. Because I'm not. I know I have come to far to say "screw it" and return to the life I led before. I'm just trying to figure out how it all works together and how to make all of this my new normal.

Because it is my new normal. This weight loss journey doesn't end when the scale shows me I have lost 100 pounds. This weight loss journey ends when my life ends because even after I've lost the weight, I will still fight for my healthiness and fight to keep the weight off.

(title from "f*ckin perfect" by pink)

it sounded familiar in a way

For six months, I had it all together. I worked out at least five times a week - usually nine. I split my time between two gyms and anticipated sore muscles. I took pleasure and found excitement in counting my calories. I felt accomplished and sure of myself. I determined that nothing would stop me from reaching my goal.

I completed a 5K on Thanksgiving Day, on the elliptical, and loved that I spent the beginning of a holiday dedicated to food exercising. I promised myself that Christmas would be much the same. But it wasn't.

There's no easy way to lose weight. Setbacks happen. Life often gets in the way. And sometimes exercise isn't a priority.

I promised myself that after Christmas I would get back into the groove. I announced that I was starting the South Beach Diet again. And I did - for a day.

I'm struggling right now. And I'm not doing a very good job of planning meals or making my health a priority. I want to do those things - but I haven't.

This weekend has been a lot of ups and downs. We've gone out to dinner, cuddled on the couch, spent time with family, and I went to baby shower. We've talked a lot about the future as well as what is happening right now in our lives. And there's a lot happening.

Being healthy is a part of all that is happening. New opportunities are presenting themselves, and I know that I can't really put all of myself into those new opportunities without being healthy. And I want all of it - the health, the writing, the opportunities, the things that are waiting in the shadows but have not yet made themselves known. I want 2011 to have been the year I began my weight loss journey and 2012 to be the year I finished it.

But I'm scared. It's been so easy to slip back into old habits like drinking diet coke instead of water. It's been so nice to spend my lunch break reading or eating or shopping instead of sweating in a zumba class or on the elliptical. It's become almost second nature to say that I'll just start again next week.

At the beginning of the year, Shay Sorrells posted about the seven biggest mistakes she made after being on The Biggest Loser. Having spent the past few years not watching the show, I watched all of season 8 in a matter of weeks thanks to Netflix, so it felt as though I had just gotten to know Shay. Her story resonated with me as I work in the field of social work, and I've seen or heard many stories similar to hers. I wanted, for my own selfish reasons, for her to be one of the ones who never slipped or struggled.

Reading her post, I recognize myself in almost all of her mistakes. Because I've done and said all of those things. I've allowed myself to convince myself that if someone else says it's okay then it is. I've allowed myself to not push myself and to rest because I just didn't feel like going to the gym.

The thing about her honesty that really got to me was the fact that after she put it all out there, she talked about her goals and what she was going to do to pursue them. I know she's not perfect - none of us are - but being reminded that someone else out there is struggling and fighting through it was exactly what I needed. She was exactly what I needed.

So I am starting again tomorrow.

The plan is the South Beach Diet for the third time (third time's a charm, right?).

The plan is to take my gym bag to work and spend my lunch hour sweating on the elliptical.

The plan is to go to the grocery store tomorrow evening armed with a list and the determination to eat healthy.

The plan is to put my health first so that I can be faithful to what all God is calling me to.

At the end of January, I plan to start a boot camp through the university I work for. I'm excited for the chance to push myself and try new exercises. I can't wait to show myself what I can do. Before then, though, I want to get back into the gym on a daily basis. I want to spend my lunch hour sweating and maybe a few early mornings too.

Starting Monday, I'll be chronicling all of my struggles and successes with exercise here. Because I need to do that for myself. I need to be honest and truly accountable for whatever I do - or don't do - at the gym. I need to keep track of what I eat, how much I eat, when I eat, and why I eat - sharing a few recipes along the way as well. I need to remind myself of how much better I feel when I choose diet coke over water and fresh food over Arby's.

I need to rediscover my love of health. Because that's what my journey is all about. And if I lose weight along the way, even better.

(title from "between the lines" by sara bareilles)

seems like it's been forever

The truth is that I have not stepped foot into the gym in a week. The girl with not one but two gym memberships hasn't worked out in seven days. The girl who loved going to gym and the endorphins that rushed after a sweaty work out has lost the motivation to run on the elliptical, to lift weights, and to move my body to the beat during zumba.

The worst part of it is that I don't know how to get my motivation back.

I don't think this is only a wall that I'm hitting. I think it's a wall combined with exhaustion combined with a body that needs rest combined with life combined with trying to figure out what works best for me.

You see I haven't gained any weight during my time away from the gym. Time away that began before last Wednesday. Time that began weeks ago when I got sick and then struggled to get back into my routine.

When I stepped on the scale this morning, I prepared myself for a gain in weight. I haven't been wonderful at counting calories or limiting my intake of delicious frozen yogurt and peppermint ice cream. I've eaten more than I have in weeks. And I've started consuming more coffee and diet coke.

But my weight has stayed the same over the past week. And I'm happy for that. But this journey is, at this point in time, a weight loss journey not a weight maintenance journey.

I'm excited about where I am right now on the scale and in the sense of the size of clothes. I'm three sizes smaller than when I started. And I'm close to the weight I was when I got married in 2008.

At the same time, though, I have a ways to go. I've lost 33 pounds so far and about 20 inches. My goal includes losing another 67 pounds and however many inches that works out to. I would say another 40 inches but that seems almost too much.

Knowing that I still have 67 pounds to lose, and no time to just maintain, I realize that it is time for me to step out of hiding and announce my struggles so that I can once again make my way back into the life of healthy.

How to get back into the life of health and exercise is different for everyone. For some people, they can just do it. And while I could be like those people, I know that just doing it won't work long term. Because I always get to a point where I am too tired to just do it.

So it comes down to planning for me. Being a Type-A personality, I am a master of planning in many ways. But most of my plans involve what will happen in the future and not necessarily how to get there. I'm also a person who struggles with focusing on the here and the now as I prefer to focus on what things will be like five and ten years down the road.

My biggest downfall, over the last almost 8 months, has been lack of planning. I've failed to plan out my workouts for the week, meals for the week, snacks for the week. My life is picking up speed in several different areas, and I'm finding my time stretched between different commitments to myself, to work, to friends, and to my family. I want to keep all of those commitments, but I can only do that through lots of planning.

That's how I will spend this week. I'll plan grocery lists for two weeks at a time (and then stick to the lists), exercises for two weeks, snacks and meals, and also how I spend my time. My plan will look different from another person's plan because my life and responsibilities will differ from another's life and responsibilities.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about what 2012 holds. Because I am. I'm at a make it or break it point. I know I never want to go back to where I was in April, but I also know that lack of planning and follow through could easily lead to just that. And I realize that I need accountability in the way of friends, family, and blogging. But accountability doesn't work if I refuse to admit to anyone that I am struggling. Accountability also doesn't work if people do not know what to hold me accountable for.

Along with the planning, I need to focus. That focus needs to be placed back on me and my journey instead of on other people's journeys. I love success stories. They motivate me, but lately I find myself frustrated because I haven't succeeded in the same way another person has or in the same time frame. And that needs to stop - for my healthy and my sanity.

When I see success stories, I forget about the rest of the story. I see where another person is now but not how they got there or where they came from. Even though the might share their struggles I don't realize they are still there in the background because I am too focused on wishing I could be right where they are.

There's no perfect way of getting to a point of losing 100 pounds. And losing 100 pounds isn't going to fix any person's life. The weight isn't the issue; it's a product of the issue.

I've moved past a lot of my struggles - the reasons that I got to a point where I needed to lose 100 pounds. There was a lot of excess baggage I carried for years. Now that it's gone, I feel great, but I also know that more baggage could load itself onto me in the way of pounds if I don't share during the times when I want to do nothing more than eat a huge bowl of macaroni and cheese or pepermint ice cream (or both - not from the same bowl) rather than sweat and move at the gym.

And right now, I would much rather sit on the couch. But I am going to plan out how to not do that. And then I am going to stick to that plan - confessing when I am struggling and celebrating when I am succeeding.

Here's to 33 pounds lost and another 67 left to lose.

(title from "where'd you go" by fort minor feat. holly brooke)

the time is right

I wanted to quit Thursday. I blamed it on the fact that there was a different instructor for zumba and on the fact that I couldn't quite get into the zone on the rowing machine or on the bicycle. But placing blame on anything other than myself is futile. It's up to me to make a workout into what I need and want it to be.

Still, I was beyond discouraged. I had done so well sticking to my exercise goals. I didn't want to let go of those goals. But what I quickly learned was that it was my body telling me it needed something other than what I fed it.

The morning started with McDonald's Egg McMuffin and a non-fat caramel mocha. It was the second morning in a row for to me to eat and drink those calories for breakfast. I blamed it on the fact that we were out of eggs at our house and said I was out of time. But it was my choice to wait in the drive-thru and pay for breakfast rather than eating greek yogurt for breakfast and not for a mid-day snack.

I felt like my eating had been under control. I felt like I was making better choices. And I was. Only my better choices were better than what I had made months ago when I might have splurged on two Egg McMuffins.

There's a quote by Jillian Michaels that says "The past doesn't define you, your present does. It's okay to create a vision of the future because it affects your behavior in the "now," but don't dwell on past mistakes. Learn from them and focus those lessons in the moment. That’s where change can really happen."

While I've learned to let go of the past, I am still holding onto the thought process of what I am doing now is much better than what I've done in the past so the weight should just be falling off. After all, I completed a total of nine work outs between Monday morning and Friday afternoon; that should be enough.

But it's not enough. Because how I fuel my body impacts how I work out and how I feel at the end of the day.

So while I wanted to quit, I chose to keep going. I made better choices for lunch the rest of the week. I rushed home and made a healthy dinner for my husband on Thursday, and then I headed to the gym for circuit training with a personal trainer.

 

a combined 815 calories burned.

I, honestly, do not think I have worked out as hard as I did that afternoon. With someone watching me, telling me how to complete the reps and making sure I kept my heart rate up the whole time, I finished the 30-minutes of circuit training with sweat dripping down my forehead and soaking my back. My legs felt like Jell-O, and I felt accomplished.

I planned to head home but instead went to another class which focused on abs and the back. By the end of the hour long work out, I felt rejuvenated and refreshed. The evening work out surpassed my expectations and made up for the lunch work out that was not.

I no longer wanted to quit. Instead, I wanted to keep going (and going).

Friday morning I had every intention of jumping out of bed at 5:15 and heading to the gym. I wanted to spend time running and walking on the treadmill. I wanted the sweat and achy legs every good morning should start with. But my legs still felt like Jell-O when I woke up. My shoulders and triceps ached. My nose was stuffy. And my body told me it needed more rest.

Maybe it was the fact that I stayed up too late watching Tuesday's episode of The Biggest Loser on my DVR. Or maybe it was that I ate too much ice cream (sugar free!) last night while watching The Biggest Loser. It could have been that after eight work outs in four days my body was just plain exhausted. So I listened. And I cuddled up with the dogs and fell back asleep for another 90 minutes.

When I woke up, I felt refreshed. My legs were a bit more firm, and I was ready to tackle the day. I promised myself that I would make good choices. I promised myself that I would succeed, and I did. I focused on what I ate and how much I ate. I pushed myself at the gym during spin class. I drank nothing but water - including when we went out for dinner.

Most of the weekend was a success as well. I completed over 50 minutes of cardio on Saturday morning. I recognized the bad choices I made (finishing off the sugar free mint chocolate chip ice cream) and promised myself that I would keep from making those same bad choices again. And I decided on a plan to prevent future excursions into the ice cream container - not buying ice cream unless it is already in an individual serving. I ate sushi and drank lots of water before going to the Taylor Swift concert. I allowed myself to take a day off from exercise, allowing my body to heal some, and rewarded my hard work with new workout clothes and two books.

And then I took a picture of myself in my new workout clothes and started to see what others have been telling me that they saw - change.

Comparing my current state of mind now to the state of mind I had on Thursday isn't something I can really do. Because I don't want to return to where I was on Thursday; I want to recognize my current successes and remind myself that I am capable of doing this. And I want to move forward.

So I will.

I will allow myself days off when I need them. I will reward myself with healthy rewards (IE: anything but food). I will take time to see my successes, point them out to other people (which I did with my husband), and remember that there are more successes to come. And when I stumble? Because I will stumble. I will pick myself back up and never give up; I will take the responsibility I need to and then move forward.

(title from "you are here" by needtobreathe)

i ain't lost - just wandering

I started my weight loss journey with one thought in mind. And that thought was that I would make no excuses.

I did well with no excuses for a few months. There were morning workouts and everyday afternoon workouts in the pool. I tracked almost every morsel of food that I put into my mouth. I weighed myself weeklydaily and saw a consistent (slow) loss.

I struggled through some of the first months, but I still did something almost every day. There were days when I ate more than I should have, as well as things I shouldn't have, but I continued to track the calories.

I saw a stall in my weight. I found it more difficult to wake up in the morning. I stopped having someone to meet at the gym. And then I stopped going to the gym in the morning. I stopped tracking what I ate. And I started making excuses.

For the past several weeks, I realized that the excuses were getting out of hand. Every night, I set my alarm, and every morning, I woke up with the alarm but made the choice to reset the alarm and fall back into a not so very restful sleep. And every day, I regretted the choice and promised myself that I would wake up the next morning for a workout.

My excuses were vast. No one to go work out with. Dogs who wanted to cuddle in the morning. A late night the day before. The fact that I could go work out after work or during lunch. Needing a break. Letting my muscles rest.

In moderation, those things are good. There does need to be rest. Some mornings it is okay to feed my soul by cuddling with the dogs instead of lifting weights and sweating through my sports bra. But when the reasons for not working out overpower the number of workouts in a week, there is a problem.

I saw the problem, but I didn't see a solution. I wanted motivation that just wasn't coming. I also wanted it to be easy, but it wasn't easy. It was really hard.

But that's the point. If exercise and weight loss were easy, then no one would sit on the couch and contemplate heading into the gym instead of actually heading into the gym. Because it's hard, a person has to make a daily choice to exercise and an hourly choice to eat well and eat for the right reasons.

Armed with a week off work, a pair of new shoes, and a new heart rate monitor, I am back into the game of making no more excuses.

It started on Friday. I left for the gym and concentrated through a 30-minute circuit work-out. And then, on Saturday, I dropped my husband off at the golf course and then made my way to the gym. A little over an hour later, I was sweaty and had burned off almost 600 calories. I felt invigorated and excited to be back at the gym. Sunday morning came, and I promised myself I would make it to the gym that day - whether in the early hours of the day or later in the day.

It didn't happen this morning, and when the afternoon rolled around, the skies continued to drop several inches of rain and partially flood the roadways. The easy thing would have been to said it wasn't safe to drive. The easy thing would have been to change into a sweatshirt and cuddle up on the couch. But I didn't want to do the easy thing.

So I started by putting my shorts and tee-shirt on. Then I slipped my feet into my new shoes and jogged out into the rain. I took the drive slowly, but I made it to the gym. Nothing was going to hold me back.

The heart rate monitor I received tracks my workouts. It also suggests how many hours a week I should spend exercising in order to lose weight,  and it informs me of what "zone" I am in as well as how much time I need to spend in each zone every week to meet my goals. It's like a personal trainer but without all the yelling.

I wore it on Saturday, and I wore it on Sunday. And already I don't know what I did without it. Seeing the number of calories I've burned as well as knowing what my average heart rate is inspires me and makes me want to push myself more. I'm able to let go of the handrail on the treadmill and actually run for part of my cardio work out.

Now, I want to make a workout plan and stick to it. Now, I am excited for pressing the "train" button on my heart rate monitor and then pushing myself to run for a whole minute and then walk and then run again for a whole minute. I lose seeing my heart rate get above 158 and knowing that I did it on my own without someone pushing me and forcing me to work off the pounds.

And then, when I sit down to eat, I want to make better choices. I don't want to eat something greasy and fried just for the sake of eating something greasy and fried. There are moments when I will make the decision to have pizza for dinner, and those moments are okay as long as they are just moments and not every single day of the week happenings.

So what is my plan? I want to work out once every day for the next few weeks. But if a work out doesn't happen one day, I want to be okay with that. And I want to work out for the sake of working out - not to make up for the poor choices I made earlier in the day (as I've had a tendency to do). I know that food plays just as much, if nor more of, a role as exercise does. But I also know that the more I exercise the better I will eat. So I will start with time spent in the gym, and I will finish with better choices in the kitchen.

My exercise plan is as follows:

Is it ambitious? Yes. Impossible? No.

This time it is up to me. There will be no one to meet at the gym in the mornings. No one to decide when I complete each work out. No one except for me. And as much as I want that assistance, that accountability, I know that this journey is a solo journey and every decision comes down to me.

I'll either succeed because of my hard work and determination. Or I will fail. No one else can make me do it. And while it's a difficult realization to come to, I'm excited that no one else will be able to take credit for my success.

(title from "hometown glory" by adele)