it's getting so much clearer

To One of The Bravest Girls I Know,

How do I start this letter? It's so much easier to write letters to my husband, my family, and our friends. Words are so powerful, but as you well know, you're not very good at believing them when they are directed towards you.

I think that is the first thing to remember. The words you say to others are words that you also need to say to yourself.

It's not that you're more special than another. Or better than anyone else. But you do need to love yourself in order to love others. (I don't say this to be harsh but just to remind you that every person in the world is worthy of love.)

Remember how you felt at church Sunday morning? Truth poured from the pastor's lips and pierced your heart - reminding you (and me) that life is not about the things that so many say it is. Life's about loving others well, building lasting and meaningful relationships with others, and living in such a way that you always point back to the cross.

There are times when do you do this. But as you well know, there are plenty of other times when you don't do this. I think that the reason you (and I) struggle with this is simple: we don't love ourselves enough.

It's a hard thing to balance. How do you love yourself without lifting yourself up above God, above the calling placed on your life? How do you take care of yourself without allowing your life to become solely about you? How do you live your life for others without completely forgetting to take care of yourself as well?

My suggestion is to start with the cross and to remember just how loved you are by a God who willingly went to the cross and died for you. His death was never in vain. Please also remember that. It was done so that you would begin to live life in a way that spoke to others. And that way should also speak to you on a daily basis.

Also remember that God loves you for the person you are. He made you, knitting you together in your mother's womb. The things you don't like about yourself - your amniotic band syndrome for one - are things He created and that set you apart from others. Enjoy those things. Capitalize on those things. Love those things.

While you are remembering the things God loves you for, also remember that everything He has given you is a gift. Nothing belongs to you; it all belongs to Him. I know letting go of control is terrifying, but I truly believe that your life will become more of what it needs to be as you let go or what your expectations are.

God has given you talent, and that talent needs to be used. Don't stop writing - ever. It doesn't matter how many people read or don't read. What matters is that you never give up. When the words won't come, sit at the computer - fingers poised above the keyboard - and wait. The words will always come. And once they do, love them and put them out for the world to read. Yes, you have to be careful with how much you share, but share you must as that is something you were born to do.

You've been through so much in your now twenty-six years of life - sometimes with no one else there to hold your hands and sometimes with a community of people to build you up and wrap their arms around you. And you've always come through.

Life hasn't been what you expected. But that's where all of the beauty comes from as you're living the life God designed for you - not a life that He designed for someone else and then plugged you into when it didn't work out for that someone else. This life is the one you are meant for. Please enjoy it and love it.

And please stop comparing yourself to others. There are so many things you have seen and survived that might have been the end for someone else. But there are also other things that might have been the end for you that others survived.

You are where you are for a very specific reason and purpose. I know you want to understand why and you want to when things are going to "get better," but it is time to let go and to simply live your life and love yourself so that you in turn can love others and show others how to love themselves.

Today is Valentine's Day 2012, and I want you to take a deep breath and let these words sink in. Not necessarily the words I've written to you but the words God has placed in your heart - the words that speak of His truth, His love of you, and His hopes for you. Valentine's Day is about love - not just the romantic kind but all kinds. And today you need to realize how loved you are by God.

Let the breath out, then go look at yourself in the mirror.

You are beautiful. You are wonderfully made. You are a light in a world that is often too dark. You are filled with hope. You are brave. And even though it often seems like things will never improve, they will, and you will survive just as you always have.

Now I want you to take in another deep breath and close your eyes. Think of what you want from this life. Say a prayer that God would continue to guide you. Imagine the faces of the people who you can help, the people you can tell your story too. As you let out this deep breath, open your eyes and start moving.

This is the time for you to live your life out for God and in the process learn how to love yourself the way He first loved you.

Love,
The Girl In The Mirror


(title from "today was a fairytale" by taylor swift)

done looking for the critics (week 13)

This week, I've thought a lot about letters. I've even sent a few out into the universe care of twitter. There's so much left to say - so much I haven't had time to say this week - and I can't form all of it into a blog post, but I can write letters.

Dear Husband,
I'm glad you've found frozen food (steamable Lean Cusinines, anyone?) you can eat when I'm working nights. And I'm even more glad we have family and friends who will feed you homecooked dinners. You've been so supportive with me changing jobs and working two jobs, and I am so grateful for that and for you. Our lengthy phone conversations make me feel even closer to you. Can't wait for an entire weekend with you (and our two demanding dogs).


Dear BootCamp,
You challenge me. And it scares me. I want to challenge myself when I'm not with you (at you? doing you?). But I don't know how to. I'm hoping that my last week with you will be the exact amount of knowledge I need to be able to challenge myself when I'm all alone at the gym. You also hurt - although I don't realize that until the next day. Thank you for reminding me that I'm not yet ready to run a marathon (or even a 5K). Also I hope to find your replacement soon and also hope that you can forgive me for thinking/saying you can be replaced.

Dear Self,
You might be sabotaging yourself. Or maybe you're just upset with the scale and giving into the higher number. Please remember that the scale fluctuates daily. You know what your real weight is. Remember that. And don't be afraid to ask for help if you can't seem to get the scale to go down. The number you see there is not the end all or be all. Also - do more jumping jacks and squats and go run/walk at least two miles today; that's an order. (PS: if you don't make it to the gym, forgive yourself and then do extra miles over the weekend and more squats; that's an order too.)

Dear Weight Watchers,
I've said no nearly every time someone has mentioned my joining you. I've said you were too expensive and that I didn't have time for your meetings. I think, though, I might have to join. I'm worth spending the money and time on after all. If I do become a member (again - we met in high school, remember?), please be nice and gentle.

Dear Husband (who gets 2 letters a la Today's Letters),
I don't know if I was supposed to see it or not, but I noticed a particular book sitting on the dining room table. Thank you, and I promise to act surprised if I am not supposed to know it's there. You listen so well and remember the things I want the most. Thank you for loving me with my love language and being patient with me as I continue to learn how to love you with your love language. (PS: I love revisiting our first dates and can't wait to be your "super hot" wife once I finish losing all this weight! Also thank you for supporting my ever changing hair color. Can't wait to be blonde [again] like I was back when we met in 2008.)


(title from "f*ckin perfect" by pink)

to make it through this crazy thing called life

To my Mother: I love that you and Dad waited 10 years to start a family. When I was younger, I asked for an older brother, but now that I am 25 (almost 26), I understand your reasons for waiting. I love telling people how long you all waited and why because I believe your waiting to start a family until you were ready is one of the biggest reminders to me that it is okay to wait until the time is right for me. Both to start a family and to do other things. You have always been one of my biggest supporters, and I do not know what I would do without your advice, your ability to make me laugh, your hugs, or the way you can calm me down from hundreds of miles away when I am a crying mess.

I have so many wonderful memories with you. Swimming in the lake in Michigan. Making applesauce from scratch. Walking to get ice cream. Learning how to drive while you held tightly to the door handle. Towering over you in heels just because I could. There have been other memories that weren't wonderful. But I honestly don't remember why I was sad or hurt or upset. I just remember you always being there for me and always reminding me of how much you loved me.

A lot of people say they have the best mother. And it could be true. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that you are the best mother I could have. There's no one else who could have loved me or raised me the way you did.

To my Nana: When I talk about you, I call you my kindred spirit. Because you are. You are one of the biggest encouragers in my life. You lift me up and always, always believe in me. I love sharing stories about you and bragging about the amazing woman you are.

After my freshman year of college, we went to Europe for three weeks. At the time, you were not flying, but my dad told me that you would get onto to an airplane for me. And you did. Not only did you get onto the airplane, you spent every moment with me for the next three weeks. You were determined to not miss a moment of any of it, and I couldn't have imagined sharing that time with anyone else. I wouldn't have wanted to share it with anyone else.

One of my favorite things as a child was going to your house. We would eat Popeye's Fried Chicken and watch movies in your den. We would shop for clothes and sometimes for prom dresses even though I had no reason to buy a prom dress. And at night, you would tuck me in with a story. My love of reading and of writing comes from you; thank you for reminding me that I am a writer and for reminding me that I have always been a writer.

To my Grandmother: You bought me my first bikini, and I think I had my first taste of ice cream with you. We used to walk from your cottage to the creek and wear hulu skirts, and you would play along with my imagination of us being in Hawaii rather than being in Suttons Bay, MI. There were always games to play and books to read at your house, and every morning you would greet me with a hug and a smile.

I can always count on you to send me cards and notes when you are thinking of me. I love the conversations we have on the phone and knowing that you are praying for me and for Justin. It is such a blessing to be able to share my life with you - the ups and the downs.

When I think of home, the place I feel the most at rest, I think of the cottage on the beach and shucking corn on the porch. Thank you for giving me some of the best memories and one of the most picturesque places to call home.

 

(title from "mama's song" by carrie underwood)

you should've said "nice to meet you, i'm your other half"

Dear Husband,

Yesterday you turned 25. We're finally the same age - at least for another two months.

I know your birthday wasn't exactly what we had hoped or planned for. But what in our lives is?

It's been a rough few months, but I know we will make it. How? Because I have you. And you can make me laugh (even though I fight it). And you know how to (eventually) calm me down. You also always remind me that God is working - even though I don't always want to recognize that.

You are the best "dog" father a girl could ask or hope for. You are also talented and romantic. Thank you for always putting our family of four first.

Thank you for being everything I never knew I wanted (or needed). I love you.

Happy (belated) birthday, love. Or as you would say (via Facebook): "you smell like hot dogs."

PS: I'm sorry I didn't let you put Justin "The Dark" Knight on our wedding invitations. When we (eventually) adopt, maybe I will let you put in on the adoption announcements? And, as much as it might kill me, I'll let the baby wear a Batman onsie.

(title from "the best thing that could be happening" by relient k)