what love is

For years, I waited and wished and hoped for a Valentine. Watching friends receive carnations throughout the day, I hoped for it to happen to me. I even went so far to ask friends of mine to be my valentine - just so I would have something. It always backfired on me. I was always did more and tried more and felt like I wasn't special enough.

When I met and started to fall in love with my husband, I had expectations. The expectations weren't necessarily what I wanted but were more what I felt like should happen. Big, over priced bouquets of flowers. A large stuffed animal for good measure. And an expensive dinner.

It's taken me a few years of expectations to realize that expectations are not what I want or need. I don't want too much money spent on things that don't matter. What I want, and what I have, is a husband who loves and adores me and shows me that love in personal ways.

For the past several years, we've done the same thing for Valentine's Day. Or the weekend that surrounds the holiday. Dinner and a movie. It all started on our first Valentine's Day. I didn't think I would see my now husband that day due to school and work and conflicts. And then I walked out to my car, following a long day of caring for babies, and saw him drive up in his car. There was a homemade card for me, and he told me that he had tickets for us to see Definitely Maybe.

We ordered pizza for dinner and ate at my college apartment before heading to the movie.

Our second Valentine's Day together, we were freshly married and had just returned from our honeymoon where we ate, drank, slept, tanned and explored Costa Rica. We saw another movie and ate dinner while we watched it - one of the perks that Texas has that Oklahoma does not is dinner movie theaters.

We enjoyed dinner and a movie for our third Valentine's Day together, and on our fourth Valentine's Day, we had dinner with friends and then watched a movie later.

This is our fifth Valentine's Day together. I woke up this morning and found a card waiting for me in the bathroom. There won't be dinner out tonight or a movie that we go see this weekend. What there will be is a husband who has served me and loved me and cared for me over the past few weeks. There is a husband who has been patient with me and who has made me laugh.

He's shown me what love really is. And it isn't large bouquets of flowers or large boxes of chocolates. It's not jewelry or diamonds or anything else of the sort. It isn't expensive dinners or desserts. All of those things are fine but they are not what defines love or Valentine's Day.

Love is a husband who wakes up throughout the night to help me get up and off the couch.

Love is a husband who buys me flowers to say get well.

Love is a husband who buys me lots of cold medicine when I'm sick and can't take DayQuil.

Love is a husband who does my laundry because I can't.

Love is a husband who lets me control the remote.

Love is a husband who goes out in the cold to get me Chik-Fil-A for dinner.

Love is a husband who prays with me and for me.

Love is a husband who puts me first when I'm unable to care for myself.

Love is a husband who asks for forgiveness and lovingly forgives.

Love is a husband who isn't perfect but strives to be better.

Love is my husband.

it's getting so much clearer

To One of The Bravest Girls I Know,

How do I start this letter? It's so much easier to write letters to my husband, my family, and our friends. Words are so powerful, but as you well know, you're not very good at believing them when they are directed towards you.

I think that is the first thing to remember. The words you say to others are words that you also need to say to yourself.

It's not that you're more special than another. Or better than anyone else. But you do need to love yourself in order to love others. (I don't say this to be harsh but just to remind you that every person in the world is worthy of love.)

Remember how you felt at church Sunday morning? Truth poured from the pastor's lips and pierced your heart - reminding you (and me) that life is not about the things that so many say it is. Life's about loving others well, building lasting and meaningful relationships with others, and living in such a way that you always point back to the cross.

There are times when do you do this. But as you well know, there are plenty of other times when you don't do this. I think that the reason you (and I) struggle with this is simple: we don't love ourselves enough.

It's a hard thing to balance. How do you love yourself without lifting yourself up above God, above the calling placed on your life? How do you take care of yourself without allowing your life to become solely about you? How do you live your life for others without completely forgetting to take care of yourself as well?

My suggestion is to start with the cross and to remember just how loved you are by a God who willingly went to the cross and died for you. His death was never in vain. Please also remember that. It was done so that you would begin to live life in a way that spoke to others. And that way should also speak to you on a daily basis.

Also remember that God loves you for the person you are. He made you, knitting you together in your mother's womb. The things you don't like about yourself - your amniotic band syndrome for one - are things He created and that set you apart from others. Enjoy those things. Capitalize on those things. Love those things.

While you are remembering the things God loves you for, also remember that everything He has given you is a gift. Nothing belongs to you; it all belongs to Him. I know letting go of control is terrifying, but I truly believe that your life will become more of what it needs to be as you let go or what your expectations are.

God has given you talent, and that talent needs to be used. Don't stop writing - ever. It doesn't matter how many people read or don't read. What matters is that you never give up. When the words won't come, sit at the computer - fingers poised above the keyboard - and wait. The words will always come. And once they do, love them and put them out for the world to read. Yes, you have to be careful with how much you share, but share you must as that is something you were born to do.

You've been through so much in your now twenty-six years of life - sometimes with no one else there to hold your hands and sometimes with a community of people to build you up and wrap their arms around you. And you've always come through.

Life hasn't been what you expected. But that's where all of the beauty comes from as you're living the life God designed for you - not a life that He designed for someone else and then plugged you into when it didn't work out for that someone else. This life is the one you are meant for. Please enjoy it and love it.

And please stop comparing yourself to others. There are so many things you have seen and survived that might have been the end for someone else. But there are also other things that might have been the end for you that others survived.

You are where you are for a very specific reason and purpose. I know you want to understand why and you want to when things are going to "get better," but it is time to let go and to simply live your life and love yourself so that you in turn can love others and show others how to love themselves.

Today is Valentine's Day 2012, and I want you to take a deep breath and let these words sink in. Not necessarily the words I've written to you but the words God has placed in your heart - the words that speak of His truth, His love of you, and His hopes for you. Valentine's Day is about love - not just the romantic kind but all kinds. And today you need to realize how loved you are by God.

Let the breath out, then go look at yourself in the mirror.

You are beautiful. You are wonderfully made. You are a light in a world that is often too dark. You are filled with hope. You are brave. And even though it often seems like things will never improve, they will, and you will survive just as you always have.

Now I want you to take in another deep breath and close your eyes. Think of what you want from this life. Say a prayer that God would continue to guide you. Imagine the faces of the people who you can help, the people you can tell your story too. As you let out this deep breath, open your eyes and start moving.

This is the time for you to live your life out for God and in the process learn how to love yourself the way He first loved you.

Love,
The Girl In The Mirror


(title from "today was a fairytale" by taylor swift)

i'm happy to know you

I worked until 11:00pm on Friday night, and the first thing I noticed when I stepped inside my house was that it was clean.

We're not the tidiest of couples. Add two shedding dogs into the mix plus a wife (me) who is now working 60 hours a week, and being not so tidy quickly turns into overwhelmingly messy. So to come home to a house cleaned by my husband warmed my heart.

My husband knows exactly what I need - even though I don't always know what I need. He's proven that time and time again.

The clean house was just the start to the weekend he planned for Valentine's Day. He wanted to make sure that I didn't have to worry about a single thing this weekend - allowing me time to relax. The clean house also provided us a chance to continue our Valentine's Day tradition of dinner and a movie.

Valentine's Day 2008

It's a little cliché, but that's how we spent our first Valentine's Day as a couple and then a year later our first Valentine's day as a married couple. We almost didn't have a first Valentine's Day date; he convinced me that I wouldn't see him and I was crushed.

But then he surprised me and showed me that he knew me well and would always find a way to make me feel special.

To read more about our first Valentine's Day and the expectations I had (and then learned to put aside), you'll have to visit Jordy Liz Blogs where I am guest posting for the day!

(title from "paperweight" by joshua radin)

a divine conspiracy (the story of us: part 7)

Our engagement began at the end of May and lasted until the middle of September. While there was no specific reason to rush marriage, we both felt that it was time to start our lives together, and knowing that life and work would eventually take over, we decided a wedding before November would be best.

This meant my husband would work two jobs and attend classes over the summer. I would work one job and plan a wedding. I also had surgery eight days before our wedding. Let's just say we are overachievers when it comes to doing as much as possible in a short period of time.

Growing up, my father joked that I should elope when that day came. And I considered it. Of course, my idea of eloping was going to Mexico or Florida. His idea of eloping was the court house and then a large party afterwards. We agreed on a small intimate wedding instead.

My husband let me have free reign over the wedding. He had two requests: 1) the invitations read Justin "The Dark" Knight and 2) a Batman grooms cake. I allowed the Batman grooms cake.

Planning a wedding is not easy. I had heard enough stories from others about what all it entails, and searching wedding websites didn't help matters either. My parents lived over 400 miles away as well, so I took to google and hoped to find an intimate location within my price range.

There were several locations within my price range, yes, but most were not places I wanted for my wedding. I'm picky, and I knew I wanted to be married outdoors and that I wanted the wedding to be personal. I wanted the chance to create, but I also wanted someone else to handle all the wedding day details.

Enter Sandy. I stumbled upon her site through google. After visiting the site numerous times and clicking through the pictures, I asked my mother-in-law to go with me. And I almost immediately fell in love.

The gardens were perfect. Sandy would handle everything. And I do mean everything: the cake, the catering, the flowers, the photography, etc. And the price was just right. Plus I had never seen anyone married in her garden before, and she had an opening for a Saturday evening when there was not a University of Oklahoma football game. (Living in Oklahoma, weddings are often planned around college football. It's just the truth.)

I printed out pictures of bouquets I wanted and also printed out pictures of the cakes I loved. I picked out the menu as well, and Sandy made all of my dreams turn into realities.

Two months before the wedding, my mother flew into town, and we began the search for a wedding dress. I had fallen in love with several dresses on-line and then immediately fell out of love with them once I saw them in person. The first dress I tried on was "the one." It needed no alterations, and I also could wear it without a veil. The lack of a veil horrified the attendant, but it was my wedding day after all.

Things were moving along well. I was excited and ready for our wedding day. We had wonderful engagement pictures taken. I made our invitations and designed bottle labels. And I worked - a lot.

But in the middle of August, things changed.

I'd been sick for a while. Quite possibly years. Pain and nausea. The inability to eat certain foods. I went to Urgent Care on a Friday afternoon, and on Monday morning, I was told to go to the Emergency Room. I had passed a gallstone through my pancreas (without knowing) over the weekend.

It was an exhausting day of IVs and ultrasounds and painkillers. The final assumption was that I needed to have my gallbladder removed, and while I wanted it done that day, it was no longer an emergency so I went home and called my doctor.

I was in mandatory training in the midst of all this, and the trip to the Emergency Room occurred a month before the wedding. The doctor said I needed surgery to remove my gallbladder, and I was provided two dates for the surgery. One was during my final week of training; the other was eight days before our wedding. I chose the date eight days before our wedding.

Not yet married, and we were walking through a period of "in sickness and in health." My husband sat in the waiting room and then cared for me at home. When he had to work, his sister or my mother-in-law spent time with me, watching television and fetching food from Jason's Deli. I was back at work the next Monday, still sore and a little nauseous, and determined to be perfectly healthy before the wedding on Saturday and our mini-honeymoon.

(title from "god gave me you" by dave barnes)

This post is part of a series. It is a snapshot of how I met (and married) my husband. To read the entire series, click here.

a divine conspiracy (the story of us: part 6)

I had been at my first grown-up job for a week when he suggested that we take a day trip to Fort Worth, TX. Knowing it was approximately two hours worth of a drive, I said I would have to think about it. I loved Fort Worth for the Whole Foods, for the water gardens, for the memories he shared of his summer spent working with inner-city youth there, but I didn't feel up to the trip. While the hard part of my job had not yet started (responsibility for kids and case work), I was already exhausted.

He did not relent, and having a suspicion that something was up, I agreed to go.

In the days leading up to the day trip, I could tell he was up to something. I did something no girl should ever do and stole his cell phone while he was in mid-text. He was sending a message to a friend of his in a band (who we both love), and he got angry with me for looking. The anger tipped me off some, and I went to work the next day with a smile and comments to my co-workers that I thought I would be getting engaged over the weekend.

When we left for Fort Worth on Saturday, my now husband mentioned to me that his friend in a band would be attending a funeral that day. His fiance's grandfather had died. To be honest, I had forgotten about the text message by this point but was now back on high alert.

Our first stop in Fort Worth was The Fort Worth Botanical Garden. He had borrowed his parents camera and asked me to take pictures of the flowers as we walked around. I snapped shots of roses and other flowers I don't know the names of. The garden was empty of people for the most part, and I enjoyed strolling in such a beautiful place, holding his hand.

We came to a bridge. With no one in sight, he stopped and turned around to look at me. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you," he said.

A puzzle expression crossed my face. My heart stopped beating. I had talked about this moment happening, but still, it didn't quite seem real.

"I want to spend the rest of my life with you too," I said.

"But I don't want to wait any longer." He dropped to one knee and pulled out a purple ring box. The box opened. "Will you marry me?"

I said yes. He placed the ring on my finger. We hugged and kissed. After saying yes, a couple walked up and offered to take our picture. Our smiles were big and tears were in our eyes. I sent text messages out and phoned the important people. None of it seemed quite real. We continued our walk through the gardens, and I looked down at my hand every so often to see the sunlight catch the diamonds and to make sure it didn't fall off my left hand.

I remember thinking and talking about how it was perfect, this engagement of his. And he smiled. It wasn't over yet.

What I later learned was that he had not planned to propose at the botanical gardens. Rather that was a side trip meant to throw me off the scent of the rest of his plans.

He had enlisted the help of several friends. Over the course of the day, we would be serenaded at the Fort Worth Water Gardens by his friends in the band and enjoy a romantic dinner at an Italian eatery in downtown Fort Worth. Even though I snooped and did not allow the engagement to be a complete surprise, he did better than I expected. To me, it doesn't get much more romantic than a private concert of a few of my favorite songs.

Almost immediately, we began talking about the wedding. I was living in a shabby apartment, and he was graduating in three months. We knew we didn't want a long engagement or an extravagant wedding. Truthfully, I didn't really want a wedding at all - just a ceremony on the beach.

We didn't have the ceremony on the beach, but we did have a beautiful wedding in an outdoor garden.

(title from "god gave me you" by dave barnes)

This post is part of a series. It is a snapshot of how I met (and married) my husband. To read the entire series, click here.

light a fire in the cold

picture found here.

Every morning, on my way to work, I pass several billboards proclaiming the millions of dollars one can win by buying a $1 lottery ticket. I struggle with whether or not it is okay for me to want to play to lottery and to want to win just a fraction of the millions available.

I wouldn't spend the money on frivolous things like DVDs or clothes or shoes. I wouldn't even spend all the money on myself. But still, I'm not sure if it's okay for me to want things like money. Money won't fix all the problems of the world. But I know it would help.

If I had the money, I would fix our house and then sell our house. We'd purchase a much bigger house - one that could house children in foster care and children we'd adopt from Ethiopia and China. The house could house people who needed a little help getting back on their feet. We could even purchase a second house meant just for individuals needing assistance to get them out of a desparate situation or off the streets.

I would send money to Africa and help build orphanages for the 53 million orphaned children. I would go to Africa as well and experience life there so I would know what help the country really needed - not just the ideas I hear on the radio. I'd give money away to those who needed it. I'd start as many non-profits as I could to reach as many people as I could. I'd fulfill some of my lifelong dreams which include opening a group home for girls and helping others recover from things like anorexia and bullimia. I'd take the money and spend it on hope amd love.

I would hold onto just enough to meet our own needs and then the rest would be given to others. That's what I long to do, what my heart is striving for. But I do wonder if my heart would be able to remain that pure if $200,000 or $20,000,000 were to be deposited into my bank accounty.

Money won't fix everything, and sometimes, money causes more problems than it fixes. But I like to dream about the things we could do, the people we could help, the lives we could change with extra dollars floating in our checking account.

If you won the lottery, what would you do with the money? Months ago (and especially years ago), I would have bought a new wardrobe and a new car and lots of gadgets. I do still struggle with wanting some of those things. I think I always will. But I wouldn't be able to spend it all on those sorts of things - not with the knowledge of just how far thousands and millions could go.

I don't think it's wrong to own things. We own more than we need to. I also don't think it's wrong to spend money on things for yourself. I am just at a point where all of those things, which were once so important to me, hold no value.

I am especially struck with this now that Christmas is near and Black Friday is looming. I looked through the ad for Target and saw nothing that excited me. I've seen the sales many stores are offering, and while I wanted as much as I could get last year, I want nothing now - at least not anything that the stores are selling.

I guess you could say my priorities have changed. It's funny how that happens, how God knocks sense into you about what is important even when you spend years ignoring His words about the things of this world are nothing compared to the things of Him.

(title from "hope" by alli rogers)

a divine conspiracy (the story of us: part 5)

The last few months of college and my relationship prior to the engagement are somewhat of a blur. They were important, yes, but also difficult to remember due to the overwhelming number of changes I experienced durng that time. My life, in many ways, was shaped by our relationship. Writing that is difficult because I do not define myself by my marriage. It is a part of who I am, but it does not encompass me.

Still, I am not the same person I was when we met. I am a brunette now; I was blonde then. I am a little less tan and a little more plump than I was when we met as well. And my faith has increased by leaps and bounds. Some of these changes are good - like my faith, and others I could do without. But they are there none the less.

There are moments I remember of our last few months as boyfriend and girlfriend. Some of those moments were spent with friends; some were shared between just us two.

We shared a lot of laughs then. We attended a date party with his fraternity in Guthrie, OK. It was dinner at a tea room and then seeing the musical "Peter Pan." One of our favorite things to do is attend plays and musicals. That night we were surrounded by his friends and their dates for the evenings. We were all dressed up and bundled up in coats due to the chill in the Spring air.

Many of the friends we were with that night are still our friends today. We see them less now, but many of us are still in Oklahoma City area, working through life after college and getting by.

We spent at least one weekend together in Fort Worth, TX - a city that holds so much meaning for us both. It's the city where he spent time interning at a youth development center for two summers, and it's the city where he would eventually propose. Spending time in that city, watching him interact with the children from the development center and seeing his bonds with the people there, still makes my heart flutter the tiniest bit. His true self shined through during those moments, a self that is as caring and generous as they come.

We attended birthday parties together and dinners out with friends. We both gave up some of our friendships for one another, and we forged new relationships and friendships together. It's not that we had to give up anything for the other, but it happened as we grew closer together and grew up as well.

We spent my final Spring Break together in Texas. There was a trip to Moody Gardens and the aquarium, eating real Tex-Mex, and enjoying nights on the couch watching movies. It was the second time he met my parents and spent a consistent amount of time with them. Two short months later, he would meet my aunt, my grandparents, and my Nana when I accepted my diploma and bid farewell to the freedom college provided.

I had options when I graduated college. Not necessarily options in the job department but options for where to move to. I chose to remain in Oklahoma and accepted a job as a social worker before I graduated. It was simultaneously the hardest decision I ever made and also the easiest.

That decision was truly a turning point in my life and in my relationship. Without that job, I likely wouldn't be married or living in Oklahoma. Without that job, I would have made a different decision which would have led me on a different path. Sometimes, I wonder where that path would have gone. It could be that it would have led me right back to where I am right now. Or my life could have been completely different. I try not to focus on the "what if's" though I do sometimes struggle with wanting to know how things might have been.

My graduation was a day I both couldn't wait for and wasn't ready for. It was the ending of college, of friendships, of a chapter in my life that I was both ready to be done with and scared to leave. I was lucky enough to graduate from a small college within the university, and following the ceremony, we ate dinner with my family. It was an eventful day, filled with love and good memories and finally being able to share a part of my life in Oklahoma with everyone.

A week later, give or take a few days, I began settling into my new apartment, and a week after that, I was given a very special ring.

(title from "god gave me you" by dave barnes)

This post is part of a series. It is a snapshot of how I met (and married) my husband. To read the entire series, click here.

a divine conspiracy (the story of us: part 4)

It was winter when he first met my parents. One of his Christmas presents was a one-way ticket from Oklahoma City, OK to Houston, TX. Days after Christmas, I waited for him in the airport. We kissed and hugged and walked away from the terminal holding my hands. The plan was to meet my parents for dinner.

He spent several days with my family. It was the first time I had really intoduced my parents to someone. Past relationships had included quick introductions, but never had there been someone so important to me that I wanted them to spend days with both my parents.

We ate with my parents, told stories, and also spent time on our own. There were trips to the Kemah Boardwalk and a trip to Galveston, TX. It was sunny that day but chilly and windy. We took pictures by the beach, squinting our eyes and smiling. In so many ways, it was a dream come true. I had always wanted someone to share memories with, and I finally had that person.

"The Great Debaters" had opened recently, and we decided to spend part of the day in the theatre. I remember that is was while we watched that movie that it hit me. This was it. This was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I'm not sure why it happened at that exact moment, but I shared the revelation with him while we sat in an abandoned parking lot, looking at the canals in my parent's neighborhood. Things have never been the same since then.

We both had a lot of growing up to do at that point. Even now, we still have a lot of growing up to do. But that is what marriage is. It is not simply growing old together; it is also growing up and growing closer together.

We drove back to Oklahoma together, and then went our separate ways when he returned to his school and I to mine. The next month is somewhat of a blur. We spent as much time together as we could, but we were both busy with classes.

Our first Valentine's Day together I had high expectations. I wanted all the romance in the world, it being my first time to spend the holiday with someone special, but in the middle of the day, I received a text message that said he wasn't sure he would be able to make it out to see me. I was crushed but did my best to go through the rest of the day not thinking about it.

I left work around 5:30pm that day. I was tired and dressed not too attractively as I worked at a daycare at the time. When I reached the parking lot, he drove up. He handed me a card. It was taped to the window of the car but had blown off in the wind. He purchased two tickets to see "Definitely Maybe" and said we would spend the evening beforehand at my apartment, eating our favorite pizza.

A simple Valentine's Day. But really all our Valentine's Days have been simple. Looking back on it now, I think it was for the best. I wanted all the flowers and candies and candlit dinners I could find, but I don't think any of those would have spoken to my heart like pizza and cuddling in the movie theatre.

We were three months away from getting engaged at that time. But I didn't know it yet. I was also three months away from graduating college at that time with no sense of direction, but that didn't matter. I had someone who cared for me, and that is really the most important thing in the world. Because if you have love, you can make it through almost anything. Not that it's easy because it's not. But what is worth having that is easy?

(title from "god gave me you" by dave barnes)

This post is part of a series. It is a snapshot of how I met (and married) my husband. To read the entire series, click here.

it only takes a spark

Two years ago, I woke up in a hotel room in downtown Oklahoma City. It was a room I shared with my now sister-in-law. We quickly got dressed and then ate a breakfast buffet in celebration. It was my wedding day.

Time was spent eating, getting a pedicure and a manicure, listening to the news on Hurrican Ike (which was lashing my parents home and brothers apartment), praying it would stop raining before our planned outdoor wedding, laughing with friends, having my make-up and hair done, and keeping my nerves in check.

The rain stopped just as my dad walked me down the aisle. Our friends and families were gathered outside under a tent. The cloud cover was perfect for pictures. Our ceremony went flawlessly (other than trying to light the unity candle in Oklahoma wind), and by the end of the day, we were man and wife.

Signing our marriage license.

Today marks more than just two years of marriage. It marks our life together. We've been through our share of ups and downs. Just yesterday we were talking about how easy it would have been to give up and how others might have done just that. We know that this journey we are on is not to be taken lightly. This journey is hard. It's full of uphill battles and downhill fights. It's full of apologies and tears and hugs and laughter. It's full of misunderstandings and holding your tongue. It's full of arguments and understandings. It's work. But it is worth it.

Our two years of marriage have also been full of change, of wondering, of uncertainty, but God has always provided for us. His provisions have not always come in the way we expected, but they have been there. He has been there. And without Him, it's doubtful we would have come this far.

Over the past two years, we've moved twice: once into an apartment and once into a house. We've found and stayed at a church. We've traveled to Costa Rica and to Michigan. We've spent weekends in Fort Worth and weekends at home. We've changed jobs three times between the two of us. We rescued a dog from the shelter in May 2009 and rescuded a second dog off the street in December 2010. We have survived several snow/ice storms. We've laughed. We've cried.

Our first house.

We have learned how to cook somewhat decent food and not burned down the house. We started to figure out what it meant to truly depend on God. We've talked about the future and what we would change about the past if we could. We have regretted buying our house and then found a newfound love for our house. We bought a car and then regretted buying that car. We've learned how to learn from our regrets rather than wallowing in our regrets. We've learned that, even if it's hard and even if we fight, we can make it through anything.

I firmly believe the things in life that are the most worthwhile are also often times the hardest things to attain. Without fighting for something, really fighting for it, I doubt you can truly appreciate it's worth.

As we embark on our third year of marriage, I am determined to fight for my husband. To shut my mouth when necessary and to hear his heart. I am determined to dream with him even if others tell us our dreams are unattainable. I am determined to support him and to love him the way he needs and desires. I am determined to be content where we are but never complacent. I am determined to pray for him daily. I am determined to fellowship with him and to laugh with him (even when his jokes aren't funny). I am determined to make this marriage last.

Christmas 2009.

(title from "sweetness in starlight" by matt wertz)

a divine conspiracy (the story of us: part 3)

We said "I love you" for the first time in December. It was at his apartment, and we were seated on the couch. We had just finished watching an episode of The Office, the episode where they all go on a night cruise and Jim tries to tell Pam his true feelings for her. And even though I was not (and am still not) a fan of The Office, he took my hand and told me that he was in love with me. It had been just over a month, and I said the three words back.

We talk about that night sometimes still. We even celebrated the one year anniversary of saying "I love you." And we also talk about how quickly it happened, how it might have been best to wait to say those words, but when you know, you know.

And even though I knew, I was still scared. I still pushed him away and wondered if it were real. I still asked how he could love me, how this could be happening. It wasn't a part of my plan, but really, I wasn't sure what my plan was any longer.

I wanted to move somewhere new and work for Teach for America. It was a dream of mine, a passion. I prayed over it. The love of teaching was ignited in me during my time in China, and I had a vision of myself crouching by a desk, teaching.

But I had found out in early December that I did not make it past the first round. I was devastated.  We weren't yet to the point of saying "I love you," so I didn't feel comfortable calling him immediately with the news. I talked to others about it first, cried about it, and then heard wise words from a friend who said I shouldn't put all my eggs into one basket.

I do have a habit of doing that, still to this day. I get stuck on the "correct" path for my life and decide it can't go any other way. But just like He did my senior year of college, God shows me that there is a different way, a better way.

Had I gotten into Teaching for America we wouldn't have gotten married. Had I gotten into Teaching for America I would have moved away from Oklahoma, and we probably would have broken up. Had we broken up I would not be where I am right now. And if I weren't where I am right now, God's current plan for my life would not be in action.

It was hard to think of it that way then. Sometimes it is hard to think of it that way now. But I know it to be true.

I believe not getting into the program truly set us down the course of getting married 10 months after we met. Because it wasn't until that door was shut and locked that I allowed myself to fall head over heels in love with someone 10 months younger than I.

But like I said, I still didn't make it easy on him. Even though I had known since the night we met that he was the one for me, I fought it. I was scared - of him, of the unknown, of what I was going to do with my life, of staying in Oklahoma City or returning to Texas. But God had a plan. He knew what He was doing; He was just going to take His time revealing His plan - just as I would take time trusting His plan.

When I finally did talk about not getting into Teach for America, I was calmer. But I was also determined to move off - still. I applied for other teaching fellowships and even got invited to interview for other teaching fellowships. But expensive flights and last minute interview slots made it nearly impossible to attend the interviews. And I was lost on where I wanted to be or if I could actually move off to New York City or Boston or Philadelphia or San Francisco. So I stopped looking and decided to relax into life in a relationship.

He enjoyed the simple things, and I learned to do the same. He was less enthusiastic about school than I was and reminded me that the world would not end if I didn't get a 3.75 GPA for the semester. He made me laugh. He gave good hugs. I enjoyed lounging on the couch and watching movies with him. We often went out for dessert together. And we went to church together. We talked about God, about our faith, and he helped me to grow during a time when I wasn't sure what I believed any longer.

When I think back to that year, to everything that transpired prior to my meeting him, there is no question that God's plan was always for me to meet him and to fall in-love and then to join my life with him. Of course, at that time, there were questions. But those questions would eventually be given answers, and in March of 2008, I would finally be able to look at him and say those words out loud.

(title from "god gave me you" by dave barnes)

This post is part of a series. It is a snapshot of how I met (and married) my husband. To read the entire series, click here.

a divine conspiracy (the story of us: part 2)

We were both seniors in college when we met. My graduation date was set for May 2010, and his graduation date was set for December 2010. He lived on campus at the time, and I lived in a two-bedroom apartment with my best friend. My college was in Norman, and his was in Edmond. Our backgrounds were as similar and as different as our college experiences.

After our first date, we spent much time talking on the phone. I invited him to my sorority’s date party just two week later. We spent only a small amount of time there and then went to see Dan in Real Life. Sitting close together in the theatre, I willed him to hold my hand. And he did. Thankfully, he linked his fingers with mine only five minutes into the movie. I would have concentrated only on the fact that he wasn’t holding my hand otherwise. And then he didn’t let go for the whole movie.

Thanksgiving was approaching quickly. I would return to Houston to see my family, and he would remain in Oklahoma City with his family. The week away awakened butterflies in my stomach. We barely spoke during the week, though I looked at my phone hourly to see if he had called or sent a text message. He was enjoying time with his family, who had traveled from Florida and California for the holidays, and I spent time with my family, who I rarely saw and who had also traveled from California for the holidays. We had plans once we were both back in school. It would be the first night I would meet his friends.

It was a date party for his fraternity. We would eat at Sonic in Edmond and then make our way to Chickasha to watch “Grease” at the drive-in theatre. The night started when he gave me a single red rose, and then it was the first time we held hands, sitting in the back of the car. At the end of the night, we had our first kiss: a quick peck on the lips in the parking lot after he walked me to my car.

After that, things sped up, and our separate lives slowly became one tangled life. He spent time at my apartment, watching movies and laughing on the couch. I spent more gas money than ever before driving to Edmond for dinner dates to Wendy’s and study sessions at I-Hop.

The first time I met his family I planned on getting to know his parents and his twin brother. Instead, we walked into his parent’s church, and he pointed at two (or was it three) pews of people. I went from knowing only him and speaking to his brother to suddenly meeting aunts and uncles and cousins, second cousins and grandparents and so on.

We had lunch with his parents and his brother at Chili’s. I was nervous and wondered if they would like me. But it was easy, or as easy as meeting your future in-laws can be. Months later, one of his cousins told me that she knew as soon as I walked into the church that I would become part of the family.

Christmas was quickly approaching at this time. We both became inundated with papers, tests, and ice storms. I was working part-time at a daycare center as well as teaching reading and math at a men’s substance abuse recovery center and also interning at the United Way. We continued our waltz of studying, seeing movies, and ordering in pizza at my apartment.

I didn’t want to think about Christmas and being away from him for over two weeks. We had known one another for just a little while, but already it felt like this was it. We had no plans to celebrate the holidays together due to distance and cost, but his parents surprised us with a one-way ticket to Houston for him, just in time for New Year’s Eve. And his sister was scheduled to land in Oklahoma City the day before I drove to Texas. We would make it through our first holiday season having met one another’s families.

(title from "god gave me you" by dave barnes)

This post is part of a series. It is a snapshot of how I met (and married) my husband. To read the entire series, click here.

all my life you've been calling me

The most amazing thing occurred last night. I attended our weekly Community Group, as I do most Tuesdays, and was encouraged and prophesied over and inundated with love from the Holy Spirit. It’s strange to write those words and realize the weight that they carry. Before last night, I was a bit unsure of the whole prophecy bit in the Bible. I understand that our church believed in prophecy. I had heard stories about prophecies coming true, but I was not a true believer in it. And then last night happened.

For several weeks and months, I’ve been struggling. I have struggled with fear, with exhaustion, with feeling stuck, with resentment, with anger, with uncertainty, with even more exhaustion, with anxiety, with depression, with not knowing how to pray, with not hearing or feeling God, with insecurity, and with other things I’m not sure how to put into words. During much of this time, I have wondered and asked where God was in all of it, what His plan was, and why He was allowing things to happen.

There were some answers, yes, but my heart continued to break for more answers. I continued to feel worn down, to feel forgotten, to be angry. I tried to find joy, and I searched for peace. I asked for peace. And He gave it, but it was often the same thing the next day. And then the next.

In the past two weeks, I began to truly press into God, more than I ever have before. I was at a point, we were at a point, where there was truly nothing else that could be done but to press into Him. It took me a long time to get to this point, and it took even longer to allow myself to let go of my own personal opinions about what it looks like to press into God.

At first, nothing truly changed. It was a lot of work, pressing into God, and it was frustrating to try and try and try but feel like nothing happened. I refused to give up, and eventually, God did begin to reveal Himself in little ways, which I wrote about in this post. But, still, it felt like something was lacking.

And then last night happened.

Like I said, we attended Community Group. Instead of the normal home, we met at a condo (which I am in love with and want all to myself, but that’s another post all in itself). Our Community Group (C-Group, for short) has recently been averaging 20 people or so. Tonight, there were a smaller number of us and then four others who had never joined our group.

The four others came to equip us, to help us to learn about prophecy and to pour into us. It was a divine meeting.

I had difficulty at first with the equipping. Questions ran wild in my head and collided with doubt. I knew and know what the Bible says, but I just didn’t think God could, or would, ever use or speak to me in such a way. And then, dreams were brought up and how dreams can often by from the Lord.

I dream somewhat regularly, and I forget several of the dreams. However, there are several recent dreams I have been unable to get out of my head, and I have wrestled with if they were from God or not. There was a tugging on my heart which told me to talk about the most recent dream and to get direction on whether or not it was from God or if it was just a nightmare, as there was fear that went along with the dream.

When I had the dream, my husband was asleep in our spare bedroom (thanks to our two Labrador/pit bull mixed dogs which regularly boot one of us out of bed). Our family of four was home at night when our house was broken into. Somehow, though I do not remember how, I was able to call the police and then make it back into the living room where we were with the burglars. Our belongings were also in the middle of the living room, ready to be taken into their possession and out of home. I recall a sense of fear in the dream but also a sense of peace. Somehow, though I really don’t know how, the burglars left our home and left our possessions with us.

I was afraid when I woke up. The dream felt incredibly real, and it took me several minutes of prayer and deep breaths before I was able to fall back asleep. I tossed and turned for the rest of the night, unsure of whether the dream was real or not.

I spent several days praying over the dream and asking if it was from God or not. I never got a clear answer until last night, when I was told that the dream did in fact come from God and that I had interpreted it correctly. My interpretation was that over the past year we had been attacked and had almost had everything stolen from us (our marriage, our sense of security, our belongings, etc.) but that the time of attack was almost over.

So much more occurred last night outside of the interpretation, and I feel it imperative to share as it was an absolutely amazing and divine experience. But I also know not to share all details of the night as I believe some of it was meant only for me and for the others in the room. There might be a time later on when I am meant to share, but for now, I want to treasure what happened in my heart and truly pray over it.

Like I said, four people joined our C-Group last night that I had never met. They knew nothing about my struggles or our struggles. And yet, the words they spoke and the pictures they shared elicited a joy and a peace in my heart that I have never experienced.

Some of the words spoken were: strength, sunrise, motherly figure, all things new, eagle’s wings, peace, light, coming out of the pit, the cusp of something new, newfound joy in our roles as husband and wife, and humble servant. Two verses shared were Psalm 40 and Jeremiah 29:11. One person also shared the story of Mary pouring perfume on Jesus’ feet. Another person also quoted some of the words I previously prayed and provided God’s response to my words.

I am still uncovering more and more truths in what were said. I am reveling in God’s love and His grace and the fact that He poured out so much into me. I feel so inadequate for what His grace delivered last night but also more complete in Him than I ever have before.

We are beginning a new journey and a new life. His blessing will abound, that was also spoken over us last night, and I feel as though we truly are on the verge of things we never could have imagined as is said in Habakkuk 1 (spoken about here).

And I couldn’t be more excited or more nervous or more anxious but all in the best way possible.

the sunrise this morning. especially poignant after last night. taken with my iphone.

(title from "the house you're building" by audrey assad)

a divine conspiracy (the story of us: part 1)

I was 22, and he was 21 when we first met. It was November and cold enough to wear long sleeves. It was a mutual friend, mine from college and his from elementary school all the way up to college, who decided we might be a good match. I’m not sure if it was that he thought we would be a good match as much as it was that this friend of ours was tired of seeing me pick the wrong guy. Truthfully, I was tired of picking the wrong guy.

I’d already decided I would never get married. I had plans. After a summer of camp life and China, I wanted to teach, to spread my wings as far as they could go and fly across the world at least once. There were possibilities of teaching overseas or teaching at an inner-city school in America. There were options, none of which included meeting the person created for me to share my life with, and I planned to pursue every single option.

And then I met him. It was awkward at first. We met at Barnes and Noble. We’d seen each other’s pictures from Facebook but had never met. We were both on the phone and then hung up when we finally met near the checkout line. He had a book in hand, Irresistible Revolution, that he purchased for our mutual friend, and after a few minutes of how-do-you-do’s at Barnes and Noble, we left for On the Border.

Our friend was a waiter, at the time, and we decided that instead of suffering through the date we would lighten things up with someone else. We ate dessert and talked. Or rather, we ate dessert and I spent most of the time talking. I talked about China, about outreach, about the future and my passions. I responded to text messages from friends, asking when the date would be over. I flitted to a table with a different (guy) friend of mine. I ended the date and left, glad for dessert and with a tingling in my soul but the decision that I still wasn’t ready to pursue any sort of relationship.

I spent the evening with girl friends, out on Campus Corner, with my thoughts drifting to him no matter how hard I tried to keep them from him. When I woke up the next morning, there was a slight sense of panic as the thought settled on me that I had met the person who fit me the way God intended him too.

I wasn’t ready to give up on my dreams or on the thought of never settling down into married life. No matter the feelings I had, and even after I expressed said feelings, I refused to think about not spreading my wings to fly.

But as is often the case, God had other plans for my life, and His plans included my accepting the notion that I had met my match and settling into a life with him.

This post is part of a series. It is a snapshot of how I met (and married) my husband. To read the entire series, click here.

we are stitched together

In thirteen days, I will celebrate two years of marriage with my husband. Compared to marriages that last thirty, forty, fifty, even sixty years, two years seems almost laughable, but for us, it has been such a journey that I am excited to say we are still together.

Two years ago, I was preparing both for the wedding (which I planned in less than four months while working as a social worker) and to have my gallbladder removed. My surgery occurred eight days before I walked down the aisle, and I took only a day and a half off work. It's not something I recommend.

He and I had known one another for less than a year before we exchanged vows. We jumped head first and feet first into a life together, and we're still trying to sort out our limbs.

I am thankful for the way he makes me laugh, the way he makes me roll my eyes, for how much he annoys me, and also for how much he moves me. He's the exact opposite from me in too many ways to count, but his heart matches mine in all of the ways that do count.

God knew what He was doing when we met at Barnes and Noble for our first blind date; I'm just thankful I haven't yet screwed it up.

picture from riggs photography

(title from "god gave me you" by dave barnes)

all the waves of time are crashing and our innocence is gone

February 7,  2010 marks one month since my last day as a social worker. I began my work as a social worker on May 23, 2008, fresh out of college and days before saying yes to the life-changing question of "will you marry me?"

I had attended the University of Oklahoma, starting with a major in English-Creative Writing and then switching to Journalism and Mass Communication. I was full of ideals and plans for my life. The plans included moving to New York City, writing a best-selling novel and also a television show (the next Dawson's Creek or One Tree Hill) simultaneously of course, never getting married, and shopping as much as I could. Of course, those plans often changed. I considered Boston or Philadelphia over New York City, even jokingly made plans with a friend to move to Boston and liv together. I exchanged writing both a best-selling novel and television show for teaching and writing a best-seller.

And yet, God had much different plans for my life than the plans I considered to be of the utmost importance. He called me to a life that I was not prepared for and am still, two years later, struggling to grasp and understand and live to the fullest. I say two years because it was just over two years ago that I met my husband of now 16 months, and meeting him (and subsequently falling in love with him) set into motion a sequence of events that altered all my plans and forced me to yield to God.

I'm still working on the yielding, and I imagine I will never be the best at yielding. I've never really been a fan of not having things my way and not planning out every step and then executing those steps. But with God, I've found (and continue to find) that if you plan He will often go away from your plans completely just to prove to you that He knows best. Which He does. He has always known best in my life, even if I did not.

And it was because of Him that I began my work as a social worker fresh out of college. It was because of Him that I spent 16 months serving others, working late nights, struggling to turn my mind off, building relationships with children and adults, crying uncontrollably at times, and often begging for a way out of that particular line of work.

It was a stressful position, to say the least, and it zapped me of any extra energy I might have had for writing. At least, I let it zap me of ay extra energy, and not just for writing but for everything else. 

I considered the position to be my calling. And it was, for that season of my life. But I let the calling take over my life. I let the calling dictate my emotions, my joy, and my energy. I became consumed with the calling and let the Caller fall to the wayside. When it got to be too much, I prayed for a way out, for a new calling, and while it did not happen as quickly as I wanted, God provided a new position for me.

The position is still in the social services field, but I am not responsible for making the decision of when a child will return home (or if they will return home) or removing a child from the place they consider home to place them in a stranger's home. I no longer take on so many other responsibilities, emotions, or worries. Now, I can place those on God, where they have always belonged.

By doing this, I now allow myself time to spend time with God. I allow myself time to laugh with friends. I allow myself time to enjoy my husband. I give up my worries and anxieties and sadness. I fill myself up with love and hope.

I should have done this while working as a social worker, but I became obsessed with the actions instead of the reason for the actions. It has been a difficult transition, one that February 11, 2010 will mark one month of, but it has been one in which I have seen the glory and promise of the Lord.

As I continue to embark on this journey of life and navigate my way through this season of my life, I hope to write and document the lessons learn. I hope to share the love of God in my life through this section of cyberspace.

(title from "hope" by alli rogers)