high five for friday (link up)

1. Saturday night, we watched the Oklahoma City Barons play the Houston Aeros from amazing seats. The night was spent with friends, and I might just have a brand new favorite sport. Can't wait to watch the Barons again on the 17th!

2. Tuesday night we voted and spent time with our Community Group and answered 35 questions of the US Citizenship test. There was lots of laughter. I am so thankful for the friendships we have developed over the past several years.

3. Thursday night, I spent time at home following a day trip to Tulsa for work. We sat on the couch together, ate homemade turkey chili, and took pictures with one of our dogs. I'm currently enjoying Grey's Anatomy - with commercials (something I haven't done in months).

4. I'm starting a new book tomorrow with a girl friend of mine. I've spent so much time praying for deep, meaningful relationships with other girls. And I feel like right now is the time when those relationships are growing. I am beyond grateful to have friends who love me, listen to me, pray for me, and challenge me.

5. They began putting insulation into our house this week! This means we're moving forward with the process of our house and that closing may actually happen this month. I am so happy to finally live in a house that will keep us warm in the winter and cool in the summer - especially after living in an old house that had next to no insulation.

you know my every move

I have been in a constant transition since February. It began as a transition from working one 40-hour a week job to working two jobs: a 40-hour a week job and then a second 20-hour a week job. Near the end of February, the transition changed to working a new 40-our a week job and the second 20-hour a week job. After I figured out how to survive working 60 hours a week, I reintroduced exercise into my life and began that transition. I haven't quite conquered exercising and working such a large number of hours, but I am getting there.

Currently I am learning how to take care of myself while working and exeercising so many hours of the week. This includes beginning quiet time again. The group of women who breathe spiritual life into me started a study on Esther several months ago. It was put on hold when our church began a sermon series on marriage, and then we picked the study back up a few weeks ago. I started with the intention of following along weekly, but I haven't been intentional with reading and participating in the study. And my soul has been ever so dry because of it.

Tuesday night, the girls shared three couches and watched the most recent video in the study. The topic of the night was timing - and it hit me in the heart in a million different ways.

My husband and I are in a season of transition together. It's not just the transition of work but also the transition of me from healthy to unhealthy, the transition of three years of marriage to four years of marriage this September, and the transition of readying our house to be listed for sale and then following through with selling it and moving elsewhere.

I've been so focused on those transitions. And on how long it seems everything is taking. And on how there just are not enough hours in the day for me to do everything I feel like I have to do. During Tuesday night's video session, Beth Moore said that we should be focused on God and His timing - not the thing or event we are waiting for/praying over. Focusing on that thing or event is exhausting but focusing on God gives un renewed strength and energy.

I needed to hear that. To be reminded, yet again, to focus on God and His plan for my life - not on the things that I deem to be the most important. So I did just that early Wednesday morning (and again this morning). My alarm went off for the gym, but I spent 45 minutes praying and reading my Bible - another 20 minutes spent doing the same thing later in the day.

And already I feel lighter. Already I feel like truths are being revealed to me. Already I see that God is working through all of these situations - a truth that I couldn't see just days before because I was so consumed by the transition and by what I wanted to happen.

I think this is my newest transition - the transition of turning my vision away from myself and the things I am doing and turning my vision towards the whole of life. I am busy, yes, but I can still live a full life and make the time for all the things I need to survive - a balanced diet, exercise, time with my husband, quiet time, and authentic friendships.

My other transition is more inward. It's a transition of making and meeting goals - like completing the Color Run in Tulsa June with my mom and then being able to run even more of The Color Me Rad Run in Oklahoma a few weeks later in July. It's a transition of focusing on eating good food and seeing how much better I feel instead of just eating what is easy and cheap. It's a transition of making sure my needs are met so that I can then turn around and meet the needs of others.

Through all of this, I know that I need to trust and not to be overcome with fear. I need to trust the process of losing weight. I need to trust God in His timing and His method. I need to trust that it will be okay - that I won't be in a state of unrest and worry and uncertainty forever. And so I am. I am holding onto truth and doing my best to trust - and to pray when trust feels so far away.

And I need to push myself. I need to run faster than I thought I could. I need to dive into the pool and swim faster than I thought I could and for longer than I thought possible. So I am. I ran Tuesday at a 4.7 on the treadmill, and I swam in a race on Saturday - something I haven't done for years.

Through all of these transitions and all of this pushing myself, I am finding myself. More than that, though, I am allowing myself to find God (or see Him as He has never been lost and in need of finding). And it's really only in seeing God and His place in my life that I feel everything else is worth it. It's really only in seeing God and asking Him to be present with me that I can even attempt any of these transitions.

(title from "you are for me" by kari jobe)

when all is done

My husband's alarm sounded at 3:58am on Monday morning. I rolled over and drifted back to sleep and then silenced my first alarm that went off at 4:02am. At 4:10am, my husband asked if I wanted him to make me coffee. I said no and then drifted back off to sleep until 4:20am when my second alarm went off and I rolled out of bed.

I slept in my gym clothes the night before. It just seems easier to get out of bed and already be in work out clothes. There's something about changing out of comfortable pajamas and into comfortable gym clothes that just seems wrong, so for me gym clothes (the not-yet-sweaty kind) are my pajamas.

I was out the door by 4:45am on Monday and on a machine in the gym by 5:00am. It had been so long since I started the day off with cardio that I expected it to be difficult. But it wasn't. It was so much easier than I thought it would be and so much easier than it had been in the past.

Monday I felt invigorated. I still needed a large cup of coffee and then a diet dr. pepper to accompany my water, but I didn't drag as much as I normally do. I made excellent choices for lunch - researching my options and then selecting a salad without any dressing. By the time the first part of my work day ended, I was ready to head back to the gym and this time focus on circuit training.

30 minutes later, I was done for the day. My body was sore. But I was still energized - though I started to feel the effects of 75 minutes worth of exercise by the time 10:00pm rolled around.

Tuesday morning was much the same as Monday morning. I didn't hear my husband's alarm and had only one alarm set for myself. It sounded at 4:30am, and I proceeded to turn it off and hit snooze until about 5:30am when I finallly pulled myself out of bed and once again entered the gym - jumping onto the Expresso Bike (which I love - it's like spin class but you get to watch scenery as you bike) at 6:00am.

I squeezed in a 45 minute session of cardio and then made my way home so I could shower and pack snacks for the day.

I'm being careful and doing my best not to overdo the exercise. Balance is something I've never really attained throughout this process but it is something I am working towards. And so tonight I am taking the evening off from the gym and spending time with my husband instead of spending time with the elliptical.

One thing I know I am guilty of is jumping all in and then, when I don't see the results I want (or when life gets in the way), jumping all of the way out. I don't want to do that any longer. I want to continue this journey and stay the course. I know that I won't do everything 100% perfect, but I know that now is the time to do as well as I possibly can.

After my last post, when I admitted that my weight starts with a 2, I received several comments about my honesty and my bravery. I'd lie if I said I believed I was brave. So often I feel like a fake and like a failure. And I'm often not honest about that.

But I was on Tuesday night. I told a friend at our c-group about just how much I was struggling. And then, with her encouragement, I told my husband just how much I was struggling. Those conversations were difficult, but they were necessary.

Weight loss is my journey. It's something that only I can succeed at, and it is something that only I can fail at. But I can not do it alone. I've tried, and it does not work.

My husband doesn't understand all of it, but he does understand that weight loss is my own struggle. He understands what it is like to feel as though success will never come. He has his own struggles that have followed him from year to year, so he listens, offers me his love and his support, and then lets me continue on my journey. Just as I do for him.

Our conversation continued late into Tuesday night, and when my alarm went off at 4:30am this morning, I knew I needed to take the time to sleep rather than to sweat at the gym. So I did just that, and when I woke up, I showered and then immediately packed my gym bag so that I can sweat this afternoon.

(title from "eventually" by pink)

leave this broken past behind

We celebrated the end of 2011 and start of 2012 with friends. There was wine, snack food, and hours of laughter provided by the game Bang. A little after midnight, we packed up, headed home, and fell asleep, cuddled with our dogs by 1:00am. The alarm went off at 8:00am, and we groggily moved out of the bed, through the house and off to church.

Several weeks ago, we started talking about what we wanted out of 2012. It was a conversation that started with our C-Group. Together, my husband and I decided that we wanted to spend more of 2012 in pursuit. Pursuit of each other, pursuit in our friendships, and pursuit in our relationships, both together and individually, with God.

After church, we spent time resting on the couches of my in-law's house, waiting for lunch, and discussing what our individual goals for 2012 are.

The goal we have together ties into our individual goals because, without pursuing each other and God, we won't be able to meet our own goals.

2012 so far hasn't been what I expected or hoped it would be. I know that life doesn't change overnight. It's a matter of making choices, daily, that will help to turn 2012 into what I want it to be. The choice I'm making right now is to be okay with things not going as hoped or expected.

I had plans for this Monday off of work. The plans included a sweaty work out, cleaning the house, cooking dinner, baking cheesecake, reading, and some writing. Instead, I spent the day resting on the couch or sleeping in bed - though I did get cheesecake baked and lots of The Mortal Instruments read.

I texted my mom about my sudden sickness and how I treated myself to homemade macaroni and cheese (my comfort food of choice) that tasted almost as good as hers. Her response was that sometimes sickness is what gets us to slow down when we need it.

And I did need it. My body knows me better than I know myself, and I'm not always good at listening to it. But I am trying. So today, I allowed myself to be sick and rested. I thought about how I've already failed at round two of the South Beach Diet - a culprit of the holidays, being sick, and poor planning.

There is tomorrow to look forward to, and the chance to start over again. I'm not sure I will make it to the gym tomorrow, but I know that I'm going to do my best to get back onto the healthy living train.

That's the beauty of the month of January. It's a month of beginnings. It's a month of making resolutions and not allowing setbacks or mistakes to determine success of failure.

But, really, resolutions should not be meant for just January. I've let it be that in the past years. I've even done that recently - telling myself that it's okay to eat poorly because January is on its way and I can start over then. But starting over is something that should be done whenever it is needed. It should not be reserved solely for the beginning of the year.

That's going to be my theme for 2012. A year of starting over whenever I need to. A year of not giving up or putting things off. A year of pursuing the things that are important to me and to my family. A year of being as honest as I can about my struggles in weight loss, my walk with God, my life with my husband, and anything else I might feel I should share.

This is the year. I've heard that from so many people, and I am so excited to see what that means for all of us. Where it will take us individually and as a whole.

2011 was hard for many of us, but that difficulty, as I've said before, will give us something to compare 2012 to. And even with the difficulty, there was a lot of beauty and wonderful things. I can't wait to see what all beauty and wonder 2012 will hold, and I can't wait to take whatever struggles might come my way and turn them into positives.

My first Monday of 2012 might not have happened the way I planned, but it happened the way it needed to. And now I feel refreshed, rested, and level-headed. I feel like I'm ready to get back into a healthy life and ready to open myself back up without worrying about what others might have to say.

Here's to hoping that your 2012 has started in the way you need - even if it wasn't the way you planned.

(title from "some other time" by tony lucca)

what i've been chasing

Sundays are often one of two things. One - a chance to rest and recover from the weekend. Two - a chance to catch up and ready for the upcoming week. After a week of trying to recover from being sick, today has been more of a chance to catch up and ready for the upcoming week.  But it has also been so much more than that.

I was stuck in a tailspin of emotions Saturday afternoon. Every few weeks, I seem to find the need to worry about something. My future. What I want to be when I grow up. Our house. Finances. The list goes on and includes items that, really, aren't as important as I make them out to be. But I give into the idea that I need to have everything figured out and that everything needs to happen according to my plan.

This is a common theme in my life. It's something I've struggled with for about as long I can remember. I've sought the next step in my life and how to go about getting to the next step.

I know this is something I need to let go. Though I think I am in control of all these things, the truth is that I am not. And by trying to hold tightly onto the control I don't have, I miss out on many things that are more important.

Church this morning touched on this for me. I felt it first during worship. Having just come from a brunch with our community group, my mind was swimming with thoughts of where God is leading me and how all the places I feel Him leading me make absolutely no sense. They all involve steps that others might question like going back to school and depending on student loans or stepping back into a position I never thought I would again want to. While I considered all of this, and prayed for guidance on where to go, I was reminded of the fact that my life is not necessarily meant to make sense to other people. It's supposed to be different. I'm supposed to stand out from the crowd and live my life in a way that make other people wonder what is so different.

And I don't.

I give into my needs and my wants more than I should. I focus on my success compared with someone else's. I wonder why my life can't look the way I want it to - the way I thought it would. During these moments of clarity, I can see that God is guiding me towards the plan He has for me.

And I want those things He has planned for me. But I want them now - in my timing - and not necessarily when He has them timed.

That's what happened Saturday night. A mess of emotions over our finances and our house and how nothing seems to be getting better in the way of having a large amount of money in our bank account. But if we did have all those things, what would I lack? The answer is simple: a chance to step out in faith and live my life in a way that might seem weird to others. A chance to lay it all out on the line and trust that God knows oh so much better than I do.

It's a season of soul searching. I am sure it will also be a season of waiting and of being patient even though I want to be nothing but impatient. And it is a season of listening to see where my heart lies and what my passions are.

All of this while I am working towards my goal of 100 pounds lost.

I made that goal for myself. For reasons of health and reasons of selfishness. But I am starting to see that this goal is a goal God has had in mind for several years. Because it's now that I am working towards something, sticking with something and not giving up, that I'm really open to hearing what His heart is for my life.

There's a part of me (a HUGE part) that wants this goal of 100 pounds to come quickly. I want to lose it in six months as they do on The Biggest Loser. I want to step onto the scale and hear clapping from people at the five or seven pounds I lost in one week.

But I know it needs to take time. I need the time to say goodbye to those pounds and time to say goodbye to all of those reasons I got to a point where I needed to lose 100 pounds. I need the time to learn how to listen to my body and also how to listen to God. Because, for me at least, those things are intertwined.

The sermon today touched on rescue and redemption. There was talk of caring for the fatherless and the oppressed. Talk of stepping into someone else's brokenness and of staying with me - and of coming back. It pricked at my heart in such a huge way. Talk of foster care and loving those who need it always does.

Because that's where my heart rests. It's the one thing I want to be connected to for the rest of my life. It's a dream my husband and I share - this dream to care for children who don't have anyone to love them in the case of adoption and this dream to care for families who are broken and need help being put together in the case of foster care.

So often I forget this. I force myself to.  I push it as far out of my mind as I can because it seems like we will never attain it. There is so much against us that it seems like an impossible dream - like it is something I will always have to stand on the sidelines for.

But I was reminded today, as we drove in the car and discussed the sermon, that God always makes a way. We just need to remember His promises. So that's what I am doing for the rest of this Sunday.

Preparing for the week. Cleaning the house. And resting on His promises and the fact that He will always come through - in His time.

(title from "down" by jason walker)

time to leave those feelings behind

picture found here.

Yesterday morning, my supervisor agreed to let me off work for Wednesday. She then mentioned the possibility of taking two days off for the week. It’s not something I make a regular habit of, and it is unclear when I will be able to take more time off due to changes at the office. I jumped at the chance of two days off, looked at the current work load, and decided taking Wednesday and Thursday off would work best.

I slept until 9 this morning and then took my time to make breakfast. I don’t remember the last time I made breakfast over eating a cereal bar or a bagel. And now, I am sitting in a gazebo tapping away at the computer.

It’s funny because just last night, at Community Group, I was talking about how difficult it is to actually get up and write. One of the girls said something about how the life of a writer would be relaxing. And while I am sure there are times when it would be, I am usually so consumed by working 40 hours a week, loving on and caring for two dogs, engaging in a relationship with my husband, and everything else that life entails. There is no real room for writing so it seems.

Life is what you make it, and there are more hours available in the day. But sleep and television and doing nothing seem to take over the time I could (and should) spend writing and bettering myself.

One of the bloggers I read regularly asked a question a few days ago. It was about how you feed your writer’s soul. I answered with: vacation, music, reading, compliments, dreaming, and prayer. After wrestling with the answers, I realized I have not been feeding my writer’s soul. I have not been feeding my soul, period, like I need.

My body is fed. And rested. I can make it through the work week, and I am able to complete most of my commitments. But other than that, it is a struggle to do much else. And that is no way to live.

So today, I am sitting in a gazebo in the park. I’m halfway through a latte, and I ate a carrot cake cupcake. I’ve written a little over two pages to my novel, and the ideas are continuing to come. I have all day to do as I please and tomorrow too. It is a time when I will be able to truly feed my soul and rejuvenate myself.

The Bible talks about the Sabbath and how important Sabbath is. I’m not one to take a Sabbath. I work and work, and I sometimes over commit myself. And I become burnt out. My mind is always racing, and I am always trying to solve problems that have yet to even present themselves.

God has been doing a lot with this. He is reminding me to stop. And to slow down. To allow myself to breathe and to dream.

Tears brim my eyes as I write this all. But they are tears of happiness and of joy and of contentment. It’s hard to remember exactly when I last cried out of happiness, so I am relishing in this moment.

I moved from the gazebo in the park to a local coffee shop near my house. Seated in a turquoise booth, I drink a chai latte now. And I feel at peace – at home. This is what I was made to do, I think.

I long for a day when my life does not feel consumed by 40 hours of work. But really who doesn’t? And I long for a day when what I love will be what I do. Some day. Maybe soon.

I’ve talked so much about struggling here and how difficult life is. How hard social work can be. How we have to always work at our marriage. How much certain things drain me. All those things are true. Nothing concrete has changed, and I am sure there will be future moments of struggle and future moments of frustration.

But right now, I am in a new season. A season of feeding my soul and doing what I love. And wrestling with God about my frustrations and questions.

And for that, I am thankful.

(title from "blue skies" by noah and the whale)

nothings quite the same now

picture from here.

God is working in my life. He is moving and changing. I had prayed for these changes. I asked Him to do something.

In my asking, I expected the something to be something big. Winning the lottery. An increase in salary. My husband being offered a promotion. Worldly things. All of them. I wanted the problems we face on a daily basis to disappear. I wanted my worries to disappear because then, I reasoned, I could give all of myself to Him and I could surrender everything to Him. I would be able to walk in the life God wanted me to.

I am so grateful that at times the answers to my prayers are "no." It's not a mean answer or one of anger, but it's one of love. As we heard in the message on Sunday, thank goodness for a God who loves enough to discipline us when we need it. Thank goodness for a God who sees our needs in a way we do a not. He is a God who looks past the wordly problems and sees into our hearts.

My struggles are not because of the problems I face on a daily basis. Does those problems increase my struggles? Maybe. But only because I give those problems power. Only because I waste my time thinking up solutions and worry about other problems that might arise. I might pray about these things, but I don't really take them to God. Instead, I decide I can handle everything on my own.

In some way, I have decided that God gave me this personality. He provided me with the ability to problem solve. He created me as a worrier. So why not problem solve? Why not worry?

I'm seeing now that that thought process is not what He wants from me. I think He wants to teach me how to let go and how to not worry. And just maybe I can then in turn teach others how to do the same.

I could be wrong. He might have a completely different plan, and I'm starting to see that that is okay. It's okay if things do not go according to my plan or the plan I think God is leading me down. After almost twenty-six years of life, I can say it's okay. At least for now.

This all could change in an hour or in a day. I know what I am saying is truth. I know that God is in control, but I also understand that trusting Him and relinquishing control are two of the hardest things for me to do.

I had it all figured out. In fact, I had a timeline that I wanted my life to follow. It's a timeline that includes how we will pay our bills, when we will sell our house, fostering/adopting children, and etcetra. I should have thrown out the timeline long ago, but I didn't. I also didn't truly consult God when I created the timeline. I didn't consult my husband, either.

And I'm seeing now just how important it is to include God in everything. And how important it is to not live my life based on a timeline. Because none of the things that I think matter really do.

God has a plan. For my life. And I need to trust in His plan. He knows where He wants me, and it's best that I agree with His desires and follow the path He is laying out before me.

There's been so much talk at church and in our community group about God's direction. I've taken it literally and asked for Him to show me where He wants to be go. No specific answer has been given. But after discussing the book of Jonah and the current sermon series on Tuesday nigth with our community group, God has shown me that it's not a specific place He wants me to go. His version of "east" and my verson of "west" is all a matter of the heart.

So I'm turning around. I'm leaving behind my selfish desires and my plans. I'm going towards Him and His plans. I'm leaning into Him and trusting Him to show me how to go. And I hope this pours out into all aspects of my life because He needs (and wants) to be a part of it all.

Faith is no irresponsible shot in the dark. It is a responsible trust in God, who knows the desires of your hearts, the dreams you are given, and the goals you have set. He will guide your paths right.

Robert Schuller

 

Faith isn't the ability to believe long and far into the misty future. It's simply taking God at His Word and taking the next step.

Joni Erickson Tada

 

No matter how steep the mountain - the Lord is going to climb it with you.

Helen Steiner Rice

 

The Lord will either calm your storm...or allow it to rage while He calms you.

Unknown

(title from "best i ever had" by vertical horizon)

The She Speaks Conference is about women connecting the hearts of women to the heart of our Father God and that your heart is to serve Him and His daughters, as He leads. A Holy Experience is giving a scholarship. Enter. Maybe one of us will be awarded the scholarship.

fly from the highest tree

picture found here.

Almost every Sunday, we attend the 9am service at church and then drive south for lunch with my husband's family. Sometimes, he and I sit in the parking lot of his parent's church and discuss the sermon we listened to and pray together. Other Sundays, we head inside and sit on the couches while trying not to look too out of place; this is always easier when there are toddlers to tickle.

Today, we stood outside the church we attend and caught up with friends before making the drive south.

Forming and keeping friendships with others is so much harder than I want it to be. There are schedules to contend with, the ever present need for sleep, spouses to make the priority, and work. Sometimes it doesn't seem worthwhile to try, and there are times when I am ready to forget the relationships and simply move on alone. But then something simple like good conversation on a sunny Sunday reminds me how important friendships are.

Nothing specific happened today. There was nothing life changing about any of the conversations, but it felt like something clicked.

In a lot ways, everything is starting to click. None of it is in the way I imagined (or wanted). But it is happening. Slowly and surely.

We've spent months, maybe even a year, saying we felt like we were on the cusp of something. But this morning, as I exited I-35 and merged onto I-240, we decided that we are no longer on the cusp but that we are there. It's time to move forward and to lay everything on the line knowing and trusting that God is in control and that His way will happen and that He will be glorified through all of this.

I don't know what He is up to exactly, but I'm excited to see what happens. I'm content with not knowing the exact plans because I have the faith that He has everything under control. I haven't had that faith in a long time.

It's fitting that this is all happening today - the first official day of Spring. As the flowers bloom and the grass turns from yellow to green, our lives our changing. The roots are taking hold and soon our lives will bloom in the way God wants.

And really? I can't wait to see what all will bloom and grow from the past few seasons. I'm sure it will be infinitely more beautiful than I ever could have envisioned.

(title from "dream" by priscilla ahn)

all my life you've been calling me

The most amazing thing occurred last night. I attended our weekly Community Group, as I do most Tuesdays, and was encouraged and prophesied over and inundated with love from the Holy Spirit. It’s strange to write those words and realize the weight that they carry. Before last night, I was a bit unsure of the whole prophecy bit in the Bible. I understand that our church believed in prophecy. I had heard stories about prophecies coming true, but I was not a true believer in it. And then last night happened.

For several weeks and months, I’ve been struggling. I have struggled with fear, with exhaustion, with feeling stuck, with resentment, with anger, with uncertainty, with even more exhaustion, with anxiety, with depression, with not knowing how to pray, with not hearing or feeling God, with insecurity, and with other things I’m not sure how to put into words. During much of this time, I have wondered and asked where God was in all of it, what His plan was, and why He was allowing things to happen.

There were some answers, yes, but my heart continued to break for more answers. I continued to feel worn down, to feel forgotten, to be angry. I tried to find joy, and I searched for peace. I asked for peace. And He gave it, but it was often the same thing the next day. And then the next.

In the past two weeks, I began to truly press into God, more than I ever have before. I was at a point, we were at a point, where there was truly nothing else that could be done but to press into Him. It took me a long time to get to this point, and it took even longer to allow myself to let go of my own personal opinions about what it looks like to press into God.

At first, nothing truly changed. It was a lot of work, pressing into God, and it was frustrating to try and try and try but feel like nothing happened. I refused to give up, and eventually, God did begin to reveal Himself in little ways, which I wrote about in this post. But, still, it felt like something was lacking.

And then last night happened.

Like I said, we attended Community Group. Instead of the normal home, we met at a condo (which I am in love with and want all to myself, but that’s another post all in itself). Our Community Group (C-Group, for short) has recently been averaging 20 people or so. Tonight, there were a smaller number of us and then four others who had never joined our group.

The four others came to equip us, to help us to learn about prophecy and to pour into us. It was a divine meeting.

I had difficulty at first with the equipping. Questions ran wild in my head and collided with doubt. I knew and know what the Bible says, but I just didn’t think God could, or would, ever use or speak to me in such a way. And then, dreams were brought up and how dreams can often by from the Lord.

I dream somewhat regularly, and I forget several of the dreams. However, there are several recent dreams I have been unable to get out of my head, and I have wrestled with if they were from God or not. There was a tugging on my heart which told me to talk about the most recent dream and to get direction on whether or not it was from God or if it was just a nightmare, as there was fear that went along with the dream.

When I had the dream, my husband was asleep in our spare bedroom (thanks to our two Labrador/pit bull mixed dogs which regularly boot one of us out of bed). Our family of four was home at night when our house was broken into. Somehow, though I do not remember how, I was able to call the police and then make it back into the living room where we were with the burglars. Our belongings were also in the middle of the living room, ready to be taken into their possession and out of home. I recall a sense of fear in the dream but also a sense of peace. Somehow, though I really don’t know how, the burglars left our home and left our possessions with us.

I was afraid when I woke up. The dream felt incredibly real, and it took me several minutes of prayer and deep breaths before I was able to fall back asleep. I tossed and turned for the rest of the night, unsure of whether the dream was real or not.

I spent several days praying over the dream and asking if it was from God or not. I never got a clear answer until last night, when I was told that the dream did in fact come from God and that I had interpreted it correctly. My interpretation was that over the past year we had been attacked and had almost had everything stolen from us (our marriage, our sense of security, our belongings, etc.) but that the time of attack was almost over.

So much more occurred last night outside of the interpretation, and I feel it imperative to share as it was an absolutely amazing and divine experience. But I also know not to share all details of the night as I believe some of it was meant only for me and for the others in the room. There might be a time later on when I am meant to share, but for now, I want to treasure what happened in my heart and truly pray over it.

Like I said, four people joined our C-Group last night that I had never met. They knew nothing about my struggles or our struggles. And yet, the words they spoke and the pictures they shared elicited a joy and a peace in my heart that I have never experienced.

Some of the words spoken were: strength, sunrise, motherly figure, all things new, eagle’s wings, peace, light, coming out of the pit, the cusp of something new, newfound joy in our roles as husband and wife, and humble servant. Two verses shared were Psalm 40 and Jeremiah 29:11. One person also shared the story of Mary pouring perfume on Jesus’ feet. Another person also quoted some of the words I previously prayed and provided God’s response to my words.

I am still uncovering more and more truths in what were said. I am reveling in God’s love and His grace and the fact that He poured out so much into me. I feel so inadequate for what His grace delivered last night but also more complete in Him than I ever have before.

We are beginning a new journey and a new life. His blessing will abound, that was also spoken over us last night, and I feel as though we truly are on the verge of things we never could have imagined as is said in Habakkuk 1 (spoken about here).

And I couldn’t be more excited or more nervous or more anxious but all in the best way possible.

the sunrise this morning. especially poignant after last night. taken with my iphone.

(title from "the house you're building" by audrey assad)