through time and space

picture found here.

Most days I sit at the computer desk (or with my MacBook on my lap) and begin to type. The words flow somewhat effortlessly. And I somehow tie all my thoughts together. I often times wonder if the writing is concise enough. But I rarely edit; it has always been my least favorite thing about writing.

But the post I am writing now is different. It is one I have written multiple times. I began it three different ways, in my mind, during the 40 minute drive home from work. I also typed several sentences yesterday evening and then hit delete.

I'm still not sure what to say. I don't know how to describe the events of the past few days. I am also still processing the events to understand what they mean for my life now. I know they will also effect my life in the future, so there is also that to consider.

To be honest, it all started weeks (maybe months) ago. And then something happened this weekend. Or rather a lot of somethings happened. And I don't think things are done happening yet either. God is definitely up to something right now.

I've wrestled with the idea of God caring so much about my life for quite awhile. My faith that He is real has not wavered. But how He fits into my life has.

I wonder what He wants to do with me. I also wonder if He truly listens to what I have to say. I question His purpose and plan for my life, and to take it one step further, I ask if He has a specific purpose for my life. There's a part of me that has felt that I wasn't good enough for Him to rest His hand upon - at least not in the way He has other people.

I longed for a deep relationship with Him. Following moments of silence and of darkness, He responded and reminded me that He was there. And still I wondered. I know my questions were frustrating to some of those around me and specifically to my husband. Because they weren't just questions. They were inner-monologues and then tears and lots of anger.

There were several weeks when he wasn't sure what to do. And I didn't know what he needed to do. Or what I needed to do. But I knew I needed something.

Sometime last week, my husband grew tired of it all. And he made a phone call that I couldn't bring myself to make. It was a phone call I gave him permission to make. It was also a phone call I had all but begged him to make at different points in this whole mess of questioning and wondering. Within twenty-four hours of his phone call, I received a phone call from someone we attend church with. I had never met her before, but there was a connection.

We agreed to meet for coffee and cupcakes on Saturday. The weather was forecast to be beautiful earlier in the week, but by the time Saturday arrived, the temperatures had dipped back into the 50s. The local establishment that I expected to be close to empty was full with a line almost out of the door. And yet somehow we got a table.

I didn't really think much of it. It was luck. Except there is no real such thing as luck. Not when God is involved and not when He is on the move.

What happened that afternoon is both clear in my mind and fuzzy. Our conversation was simple and introductory. We talked about faith and life, and then friends of hers were getting ready to leave when one stopped and told me words from the Lord. It was similar to this moment and then completely different. At that time, I was in a larger gathering and with close friends. I was taken off guard and not sure what to think. This time I was in a smaller setting and with people I was just starting to get to know. And yet the same thing was accomplished. God spoke right to my heart.

Words like "love" and "Holy Spirit." Words like "justice" and "mothering" and "dreams." He told me that God knew the plans He had for me and that they were good. I was told that the promises God had made me were still true.

And I could feel Him. I could feel Him whispering to me, and then the whispers turned into a louder voice. He was speaking to me through someone I didn't know. The issues of my heart were being answered, and I was being reminded of the truth I had lost. That I was loved and that I was good enough and that He wanted a real relationship with me.

I'm still considering it all. I am still asking questions and praying through it. I continue to seek His counsel and to pray that I will go in the directions He leads me. And I also still have no idea where He is sending me.

But I know that He has plans for me. He has plans for all of us. And His plans are good. Infinitely better than anything I could imagine. And these plans will come together for my good and for your good. He loves us too much for them not to.

Is there more? Yes. But I'm not yet ready to share. I'll hold those thoughts close and consider them over a few more cups of coffee.

(title from "i love you forever" by jewel)

all my life you've been calling me

The most amazing thing occurred last night. I attended our weekly Community Group, as I do most Tuesdays, and was encouraged and prophesied over and inundated with love from the Holy Spirit. It’s strange to write those words and realize the weight that they carry. Before last night, I was a bit unsure of the whole prophecy bit in the Bible. I understand that our church believed in prophecy. I had heard stories about prophecies coming true, but I was not a true believer in it. And then last night happened.

For several weeks and months, I’ve been struggling. I have struggled with fear, with exhaustion, with feeling stuck, with resentment, with anger, with uncertainty, with even more exhaustion, with anxiety, with depression, with not knowing how to pray, with not hearing or feeling God, with insecurity, and with other things I’m not sure how to put into words. During much of this time, I have wondered and asked where God was in all of it, what His plan was, and why He was allowing things to happen.

There were some answers, yes, but my heart continued to break for more answers. I continued to feel worn down, to feel forgotten, to be angry. I tried to find joy, and I searched for peace. I asked for peace. And He gave it, but it was often the same thing the next day. And then the next.

In the past two weeks, I began to truly press into God, more than I ever have before. I was at a point, we were at a point, where there was truly nothing else that could be done but to press into Him. It took me a long time to get to this point, and it took even longer to allow myself to let go of my own personal opinions about what it looks like to press into God.

At first, nothing truly changed. It was a lot of work, pressing into God, and it was frustrating to try and try and try but feel like nothing happened. I refused to give up, and eventually, God did begin to reveal Himself in little ways, which I wrote about in this post. But, still, it felt like something was lacking.

And then last night happened.

Like I said, we attended Community Group. Instead of the normal home, we met at a condo (which I am in love with and want all to myself, but that’s another post all in itself). Our Community Group (C-Group, for short) has recently been averaging 20 people or so. Tonight, there were a smaller number of us and then four others who had never joined our group.

The four others came to equip us, to help us to learn about prophecy and to pour into us. It was a divine meeting.

I had difficulty at first with the equipping. Questions ran wild in my head and collided with doubt. I knew and know what the Bible says, but I just didn’t think God could, or would, ever use or speak to me in such a way. And then, dreams were brought up and how dreams can often by from the Lord.

I dream somewhat regularly, and I forget several of the dreams. However, there are several recent dreams I have been unable to get out of my head, and I have wrestled with if they were from God or not. There was a tugging on my heart which told me to talk about the most recent dream and to get direction on whether or not it was from God or if it was just a nightmare, as there was fear that went along with the dream.

When I had the dream, my husband was asleep in our spare bedroom (thanks to our two Labrador/pit bull mixed dogs which regularly boot one of us out of bed). Our family of four was home at night when our house was broken into. Somehow, though I do not remember how, I was able to call the police and then make it back into the living room where we were with the burglars. Our belongings were also in the middle of the living room, ready to be taken into their possession and out of home. I recall a sense of fear in the dream but also a sense of peace. Somehow, though I really don’t know how, the burglars left our home and left our possessions with us.

I was afraid when I woke up. The dream felt incredibly real, and it took me several minutes of prayer and deep breaths before I was able to fall back asleep. I tossed and turned for the rest of the night, unsure of whether the dream was real or not.

I spent several days praying over the dream and asking if it was from God or not. I never got a clear answer until last night, when I was told that the dream did in fact come from God and that I had interpreted it correctly. My interpretation was that over the past year we had been attacked and had almost had everything stolen from us (our marriage, our sense of security, our belongings, etc.) but that the time of attack was almost over.

So much more occurred last night outside of the interpretation, and I feel it imperative to share as it was an absolutely amazing and divine experience. But I also know not to share all details of the night as I believe some of it was meant only for me and for the others in the room. There might be a time later on when I am meant to share, but for now, I want to treasure what happened in my heart and truly pray over it.

Like I said, four people joined our C-Group last night that I had never met. They knew nothing about my struggles or our struggles. And yet, the words they spoke and the pictures they shared elicited a joy and a peace in my heart that I have never experienced.

Some of the words spoken were: strength, sunrise, motherly figure, all things new, eagle’s wings, peace, light, coming out of the pit, the cusp of something new, newfound joy in our roles as husband and wife, and humble servant. Two verses shared were Psalm 40 and Jeremiah 29:11. One person also shared the story of Mary pouring perfume on Jesus’ feet. Another person also quoted some of the words I previously prayed and provided God’s response to my words.

I am still uncovering more and more truths in what were said. I am reveling in God’s love and His grace and the fact that He poured out so much into me. I feel so inadequate for what His grace delivered last night but also more complete in Him than I ever have before.

We are beginning a new journey and a new life. His blessing will abound, that was also spoken over us last night, and I feel as though we truly are on the verge of things we never could have imagined as is said in Habakkuk 1 (spoken about here).

And I couldn’t be more excited or more nervous or more anxious but all in the best way possible.

the sunrise this morning. especially poignant after last night. taken with my iphone.

(title from "the house you're building" by audrey assad)