all my life you've been calling me

The most amazing thing occurred last night. I attended our weekly Community Group, as I do most Tuesdays, and was encouraged and prophesied over and inundated with love from the Holy Spirit. It’s strange to write those words and realize the weight that they carry. Before last night, I was a bit unsure of the whole prophecy bit in the Bible. I understand that our church believed in prophecy. I had heard stories about prophecies coming true, but I was not a true believer in it. And then last night happened.

For several weeks and months, I’ve been struggling. I have struggled with fear, with exhaustion, with feeling stuck, with resentment, with anger, with uncertainty, with even more exhaustion, with anxiety, with depression, with not knowing how to pray, with not hearing or feeling God, with insecurity, and with other things I’m not sure how to put into words. During much of this time, I have wondered and asked where God was in all of it, what His plan was, and why He was allowing things to happen.

There were some answers, yes, but my heart continued to break for more answers. I continued to feel worn down, to feel forgotten, to be angry. I tried to find joy, and I searched for peace. I asked for peace. And He gave it, but it was often the same thing the next day. And then the next.

In the past two weeks, I began to truly press into God, more than I ever have before. I was at a point, we were at a point, where there was truly nothing else that could be done but to press into Him. It took me a long time to get to this point, and it took even longer to allow myself to let go of my own personal opinions about what it looks like to press into God.

At first, nothing truly changed. It was a lot of work, pressing into God, and it was frustrating to try and try and try but feel like nothing happened. I refused to give up, and eventually, God did begin to reveal Himself in little ways, which I wrote about in this post. But, still, it felt like something was lacking.

And then last night happened.

Like I said, we attended Community Group. Instead of the normal home, we met at a condo (which I am in love with and want all to myself, but that’s another post all in itself). Our Community Group (C-Group, for short) has recently been averaging 20 people or so. Tonight, there were a smaller number of us and then four others who had never joined our group.

The four others came to equip us, to help us to learn about prophecy and to pour into us. It was a divine meeting.

I had difficulty at first with the equipping. Questions ran wild in my head and collided with doubt. I knew and know what the Bible says, but I just didn’t think God could, or would, ever use or speak to me in such a way. And then, dreams were brought up and how dreams can often by from the Lord.

I dream somewhat regularly, and I forget several of the dreams. However, there are several recent dreams I have been unable to get out of my head, and I have wrestled with if they were from God or not. There was a tugging on my heart which told me to talk about the most recent dream and to get direction on whether or not it was from God or if it was just a nightmare, as there was fear that went along with the dream.

When I had the dream, my husband was asleep in our spare bedroom (thanks to our two Labrador/pit bull mixed dogs which regularly boot one of us out of bed). Our family of four was home at night when our house was broken into. Somehow, though I do not remember how, I was able to call the police and then make it back into the living room where we were with the burglars. Our belongings were also in the middle of the living room, ready to be taken into their possession and out of home. I recall a sense of fear in the dream but also a sense of peace. Somehow, though I really don’t know how, the burglars left our home and left our possessions with us.

I was afraid when I woke up. The dream felt incredibly real, and it took me several minutes of prayer and deep breaths before I was able to fall back asleep. I tossed and turned for the rest of the night, unsure of whether the dream was real or not.

I spent several days praying over the dream and asking if it was from God or not. I never got a clear answer until last night, when I was told that the dream did in fact come from God and that I had interpreted it correctly. My interpretation was that over the past year we had been attacked and had almost had everything stolen from us (our marriage, our sense of security, our belongings, etc.) but that the time of attack was almost over.

So much more occurred last night outside of the interpretation, and I feel it imperative to share as it was an absolutely amazing and divine experience. But I also know not to share all details of the night as I believe some of it was meant only for me and for the others in the room. There might be a time later on when I am meant to share, but for now, I want to treasure what happened in my heart and truly pray over it.

Like I said, four people joined our C-Group last night that I had never met. They knew nothing about my struggles or our struggles. And yet, the words they spoke and the pictures they shared elicited a joy and a peace in my heart that I have never experienced.

Some of the words spoken were: strength, sunrise, motherly figure, all things new, eagle’s wings, peace, light, coming out of the pit, the cusp of something new, newfound joy in our roles as husband and wife, and humble servant. Two verses shared were Psalm 40 and Jeremiah 29:11. One person also shared the story of Mary pouring perfume on Jesus’ feet. Another person also quoted some of the words I previously prayed and provided God’s response to my words.

I am still uncovering more and more truths in what were said. I am reveling in God’s love and His grace and the fact that He poured out so much into me. I feel so inadequate for what His grace delivered last night but also more complete in Him than I ever have before.

We are beginning a new journey and a new life. His blessing will abound, that was also spoken over us last night, and I feel as though we truly are on the verge of things we never could have imagined as is said in Habakkuk 1 (spoken about here).

And I couldn’t be more excited or more nervous or more anxious but all in the best way possible.

the sunrise this morning. especially poignant after last night. taken with my iphone.

(title from "the house you're building" by audrey assad)

in the middle of the night

I've dealt with anxiety for as long as I can recall.

In high school, I sometimes spent entire school days doing my best to slow my breathing, slow my heart rate. Most days I was able to make it through the day, to force a smile, and to hide the panicked feeling from those aroun dme. There were a few days, though, that resulted in my going to the nurses office and explaining that I was in the midst of a panic attack. At first, no one knew what to make of my ability to explain what was happening and wondered if it was my trying to manuever my way out of school for the day.

I have always been aware of my emotions, of how my body reacts to different situations. But I have never been able to stop my body from reacting or my emotions from taking over all aspects of my life.

I still haven't mastered the art of keeping my emotions at bay at all times. In fact, as I have gotten older and learned how to better deal with life (sometimes), it has become harder to push my emotions to the side, to hide how I am really feeling.

I have several different theories for why this is. One of the biggest and most prominent theories is that as exhausting as being upset/depressed/angry is, it is that much more exhausting to pretend to not be those things. My life is harder when everything is bottled up and shoved to the back of the closet. It might be easier for others to not see me upset, but my concern is not for others when it comes to emotions. My concern is for me and for my family.

My anxiety has slowly begun to creep back into my life. I know the root of it: insecurity.

I think insecurity has been the root of just about everything outside of happiness and joy. Insecurity creeps in and breeds negative emotions. It breeds heartbreak. It breeds anxiety.

I'm trying to battle the insecurity as much as I can. I know I am not the commander of this battle; that would be God's role. And I am grateful that He is the commander. If I were to lead myself into battle, I would likely not last more than five minutes.

Reading through So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore has helped. Spending four to five days at the gym has helped. Eating food that is healthy and not full of grease and fat has helped. Recognizing that insecurities exist has helped.

It's still there, lurking and waiting to attack, but I am finding weapons I didn't know I had, weapons that strengthen my ability to fight and strengthen my sense of self.

This morning, for example, I woke with a heavy heart. I hadn't slept through the night due to my two dogs wanting to cuddle and then pushing me away with their paws. I had also been plagued with worry over finances, over job security, over all the uncertainties in life. And each time I woke with worry, I prayed. The anxiety subsided enough to allow me to fall back asleep for a few hours; I would wake up later in the night with the same worries.

My alarm was set for 5:30am this morning, but after a fitful night of sleep, I knew my body was not prepared to run a mile on the elliptical or row for two miles. I chose an extra hour of prayer and sleep followed by taking my time to get ready for work and then taking ten minutes out to read my Bible before spending my thirty minute drive to work in prayer.

So much freedom exists in the thought that this world is not the end, that this world is not what matters. So much freedom exists in remembering that I am not in control, in remembering that none of this is up to me. I forget these lessons at times, but Jesus always reminds me of these things when I need Him to most.

It's taken most of the morning to battle my anxiety and to battle the assault of insecurity. But I am feeling stronger. I am clinging to the fact that there is no security in this world. There never will be. And looking for this world to fulfill my security will only leave me empty and anxious.

(title from "I Am Yours" by Misty Edwards)

the current here is stronger now than i remember

A few months ago, I began serving as a youth leader for our church youth group. It was a decision my husband and I made together. We were struggling to find different experiences together, were craving community, and were desperate to serve together. Almost immediately, we were offered the daunting task of beginning Bible Studies for the girls and for the boys.

In my twenty-five years of life, I have had the privilege to serve along side several beautiful and amazing women of faith. I spent fourteen weeks, over the course of two summers, in the East Texas heat at Camp Cho-Yeh. I worked alongside other college students, sowing into teenagers and pre-teenagers. I cried with my co-counselors, laughed with them, and ate too much Sonic with them. I also led Bible Study with them.

One of the most glorious parts of leading Bible Study at a summer camp is the lack of preparation counselors need to make. It's not to say that one can walk into the time for Bible Study and go about it with no preparation. It is to say that an amazing group of men and women come together before summer begins and decide on a theme for the summer, decide on lessons to accompany that theme.

There is no true theme at this time. At least not yet. I am responsible for the theme. I have wonderful women of God to serve alongside me, to steer me on the right path, and to assist with the teaching and the conversation. I do not have a group of people deciding on the theme and then writing the lessons.

The beginning of Bible Study has been slow. I believe that once school starts and the temperatures steadily drop to a bearable point more girls will come. It's not about the numbers but rather the hearts. I have a heart and love for teenage girls; I want to see their lives transformed.

On Sunday evening, I was privileged to spend time with two wonderful teenagers and two other leaders. 

Earlier in the day, I began reading So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore. It was a present from my mother-in-law. I had asked to borrow the copy she previously purchased, but instead, she bought me my own copy. I appreciated the gift immediately. I have so many insecurities I am ready to bid farewell.

I decided to focus on insecurities during the evening Bible Study. So many women struggle with insecurities. I always thought my insecurities would disappear when I turned twenty-one, when I graduated college, when I got married. Some have, but new insecurities have replaced the old.

The hour I spent in Bible Study on Sunday was amazing. I was blessed and honored to hear pieces of their stories. I felt privileged to know some of their testimonies. And I wondered what it was I could offer to them. They had all survived so much, and they all trusted God with an openness that I still struggle with. 

I know there is a reason God has placed me in the youth group. I don't understand it, and I feel like I am nowhere near ready for the challenge. But He has proved himself faithful time after time. And I know He will bless the time I spend with the youth; He will bless me with the right words when speech escapes me.

I shared a story about how difficult the week was. I talked of uncertainties we had faced on Thursday and then disclosed how the Lord lifted many of those uncertainties on Friday. It was a simple thing, really, having to do with finances and employment. Two things that matter all too much to me; two things I often put before my faith in the Lord.

But He is faithful. He saw my insecurities, saw my heart, and He knew I was at a point where I could bear no more. And He removed most the weight. 

I know insecurities will creep up later. I know panicked thoughts will consume me again. I will pray for an answer, for direction, but I might not believe an answer or direction will come. I'll crumble to a mess of tears. And when it is too much to bear, He will once more remove the weight.

It's the threat that gets me. The unknown. The hurt. The what if that tugs at my heart, rips at my soul. I noticed it was often the same for those who attended the Bible Study. As Beth Moore states, "Threat. That single word captures one of the most powerful drivers of insecurity. More often than not, if we're willing to make the connection, we can trace the feelings of insecurity to a perceived threat, especially when it comes in a sudden rush."

And doesn't it always come in a sudden rush? It might be a threat that often lingers in the back of my mind, but when it becomes a true threat, not just a perceived threat, it rushes at me with the speed of an airplane soaring through the air.

But God is faithful. I witnessed it in the stories I told. I witnessed it earlier tonight in text messages from my husband, discussing the current political state of the hospital that employs him. There is darkness; there is evil in the world, and it breeds insecurity. 

But there is God; there is the security He provides. Sometimes we just have to experience the rush to find the safe landing spot.

(title from "anchor" by satellites and sirens)