the current here is stronger now than i remember

A few months ago, I began serving as a youth leader for our church youth group. It was a decision my husband and I made together. We were struggling to find different experiences together, were craving community, and were desperate to serve together. Almost immediately, we were offered the daunting task of beginning Bible Studies for the girls and for the boys.

In my twenty-five years of life, I have had the privilege to serve along side several beautiful and amazing women of faith. I spent fourteen weeks, over the course of two summers, in the East Texas heat at Camp Cho-Yeh. I worked alongside other college students, sowing into teenagers and pre-teenagers. I cried with my co-counselors, laughed with them, and ate too much Sonic with them. I also led Bible Study with them.

One of the most glorious parts of leading Bible Study at a summer camp is the lack of preparation counselors need to make. It's not to say that one can walk into the time for Bible Study and go about it with no preparation. It is to say that an amazing group of men and women come together before summer begins and decide on a theme for the summer, decide on lessons to accompany that theme.

There is no true theme at this time. At least not yet. I am responsible for the theme. I have wonderful women of God to serve alongside me, to steer me on the right path, and to assist with the teaching and the conversation. I do not have a group of people deciding on the theme and then writing the lessons.

The beginning of Bible Study has been slow. I believe that once school starts and the temperatures steadily drop to a bearable point more girls will come. It's not about the numbers but rather the hearts. I have a heart and love for teenage girls; I want to see their lives transformed.

On Sunday evening, I was privileged to spend time with two wonderful teenagers and two other leaders. 

Earlier in the day, I began reading So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore. It was a present from my mother-in-law. I had asked to borrow the copy she previously purchased, but instead, she bought me my own copy. I appreciated the gift immediately. I have so many insecurities I am ready to bid farewell.

I decided to focus on insecurities during the evening Bible Study. So many women struggle with insecurities. I always thought my insecurities would disappear when I turned twenty-one, when I graduated college, when I got married. Some have, but new insecurities have replaced the old.

The hour I spent in Bible Study on Sunday was amazing. I was blessed and honored to hear pieces of their stories. I felt privileged to know some of their testimonies. And I wondered what it was I could offer to them. They had all survived so much, and they all trusted God with an openness that I still struggle with. 

I know there is a reason God has placed me in the youth group. I don't understand it, and I feel like I am nowhere near ready for the challenge. But He has proved himself faithful time after time. And I know He will bless the time I spend with the youth; He will bless me with the right words when speech escapes me.

I shared a story about how difficult the week was. I talked of uncertainties we had faced on Thursday and then disclosed how the Lord lifted many of those uncertainties on Friday. It was a simple thing, really, having to do with finances and employment. Two things that matter all too much to me; two things I often put before my faith in the Lord.

But He is faithful. He saw my insecurities, saw my heart, and He knew I was at a point where I could bear no more. And He removed most the weight. 

I know insecurities will creep up later. I know panicked thoughts will consume me again. I will pray for an answer, for direction, but I might not believe an answer or direction will come. I'll crumble to a mess of tears. And when it is too much to bear, He will once more remove the weight.

It's the threat that gets me. The unknown. The hurt. The what if that tugs at my heart, rips at my soul. I noticed it was often the same for those who attended the Bible Study. As Beth Moore states, "Threat. That single word captures one of the most powerful drivers of insecurity. More often than not, if we're willing to make the connection, we can trace the feelings of insecurity to a perceived threat, especially when it comes in a sudden rush."

And doesn't it always come in a sudden rush? It might be a threat that often lingers in the back of my mind, but when it becomes a true threat, not just a perceived threat, it rushes at me with the speed of an airplane soaring through the air.

But God is faithful. I witnessed it in the stories I told. I witnessed it earlier tonight in text messages from my husband, discussing the current political state of the hospital that employs him. There is darkness; there is evil in the world, and it breeds insecurity. 

But there is God; there is the security He provides. Sometimes we just have to experience the rush to find the safe landing spot.

(title from "anchor" by satellites and sirens)