time to leave those feelings behind

picture found here.

Yesterday morning, my supervisor agreed to let me off work for Wednesday. She then mentioned the possibility of taking two days off for the week. It’s not something I make a regular habit of, and it is unclear when I will be able to take more time off due to changes at the office. I jumped at the chance of two days off, looked at the current work load, and decided taking Wednesday and Thursday off would work best.

I slept until 9 this morning and then took my time to make breakfast. I don’t remember the last time I made breakfast over eating a cereal bar or a bagel. And now, I am sitting in a gazebo tapping away at the computer.

It’s funny because just last night, at Community Group, I was talking about how difficult it is to actually get up and write. One of the girls said something about how the life of a writer would be relaxing. And while I am sure there are times when it would be, I am usually so consumed by working 40 hours a week, loving on and caring for two dogs, engaging in a relationship with my husband, and everything else that life entails. There is no real room for writing so it seems.

Life is what you make it, and there are more hours available in the day. But sleep and television and doing nothing seem to take over the time I could (and should) spend writing and bettering myself.

One of the bloggers I read regularly asked a question a few days ago. It was about how you feed your writer’s soul. I answered with: vacation, music, reading, compliments, dreaming, and prayer. After wrestling with the answers, I realized I have not been feeding my writer’s soul. I have not been feeding my soul, period, like I need.

My body is fed. And rested. I can make it through the work week, and I am able to complete most of my commitments. But other than that, it is a struggle to do much else. And that is no way to live.

So today, I am sitting in a gazebo in the park. I’m halfway through a latte, and I ate a carrot cake cupcake. I’ve written a little over two pages to my novel, and the ideas are continuing to come. I have all day to do as I please and tomorrow too. It is a time when I will be able to truly feed my soul and rejuvenate myself.

The Bible talks about the Sabbath and how important Sabbath is. I’m not one to take a Sabbath. I work and work, and I sometimes over commit myself. And I become burnt out. My mind is always racing, and I am always trying to solve problems that have yet to even present themselves.

God has been doing a lot with this. He is reminding me to stop. And to slow down. To allow myself to breathe and to dream.

Tears brim my eyes as I write this all. But they are tears of happiness and of joy and of contentment. It’s hard to remember exactly when I last cried out of happiness, so I am relishing in this moment.

I moved from the gazebo in the park to a local coffee shop near my house. Seated in a turquoise booth, I drink a chai latte now. And I feel at peace – at home. This is what I was made to do, I think.

I long for a day when my life does not feel consumed by 40 hours of work. But really who doesn’t? And I long for a day when what I love will be what I do. Some day. Maybe soon.

I’ve talked so much about struggling here and how difficult life is. How hard social work can be. How we have to always work at our marriage. How much certain things drain me. All those things are true. Nothing concrete has changed, and I am sure there will be future moments of struggle and future moments of frustration.

But right now, I am in a new season. A season of feeding my soul and doing what I love. And wrestling with God about my frustrations and questions.

And for that, I am thankful.

(title from "blue skies" by noah and the whale)