time makes you bolder

 

Can I be honest? For just a moment. Will you listen?

I've talked so much about change. About bettering myself. And about moving on. But in so many ways, it has just been talk.

Because this change? It is so much harder than anything I have ever done.

I have the desire to change. It rises up in me and takes hold of my every thought. It spreads itself into every aspect of my life and begs me to move from my old way to a new way. There are reminders everywhere that it is time to let go of the thoughts and the worries and the question. Freedom beckons me and promises to bring me new life.

And yet, I remain frozen. Sometimes it feels like my feet are in a bucket of quickly drying cement. Other times it is as though my hands are bound behind my back and there is a rope loosely tied around my ankles. And occassionally, it is me holding myself back. My hands and feet are free, but I am too afraid to take that first step.

I don't know why, though.

 

But maybe the why doesn't matter. I have spent hours (probably more like days) wondering why, arguing with myself (and with others), and praying to understand why. Some insight has been shed, but even more questions linger.

I can't wait around to understand why. I have to make a choice. Do I remain stuck? Or do I move forward, casting aside my questions and my fears?

I want to move forward. I think know I need to move forward. Even though it is terrifying.

The next question then is how. And the answer is: I don't know.

Over the past few months, I've grown. I've opened myself up to people. I've allowed myself to cry and to weep and to ask for help. I've started writing again. I've prayed - a lot. I've done so many things. But I still have a long way to go.

Another questions is, what do I do? I think this might answer the question of how because it will provide me with specific steps to take.

 

A few weeks ago, while on the phone with my mother, I talked about a quote. It goes a little something like this: "If writing a book is impossible, write a chapter. If writing a chapter is impossible, write a page. If writing a page is impossible, write a paragraph. If writing a paragraph is impossible, write a sentence. If writing even a sentence is impossible, write a word and teach yourself everything there is to know about that word and then write another, connected word and see where their connection leads." -Richard Rhodes.

I took it to apply only to writing. To the fact that I need to write at least one page a day and then maybe write more.

But my mother, wise woman that she is, talked about how this can apply to every aspect of life. I listened but also brushed the words off. Or I thought I brushed the words off; in reality, they have been rushing around in my mind for the past week.

This is my first step. I am writing a word, and I am going to teach myself everything there is to know about it. And how it relates to my life. And that word is: change.

What is your word?

(title from "landslide" by fleetwood mac)