lovely lines (week 3)

"Rather than the words being in me, the words were out there. The inspiration was out in the world, and all I had to do was go digging for it." via Donald Miller

"But we must remember this one unchanging truth: our worth as bloggers is not found in how high our numbers go." via A Royal Daughter

"I’m trying to better allow myself to be real on those days, to shed false guilt. No, not to wallow. Not to pout. But to acknowledge that there is something lacking. This world is imperfect. It is broken and painful and troublesome." via Mercy Ink Blog

"He reminded me that He is still good. He is still loving. And He is still faithful to me." via Scribbles from Emily

"We obsess about making mistakes. We shoot for perfection. But God knows our limitations and He is able and willing to fill in our gaps." via Ordinary Women Live Brave at Mercy Ink Blog

lovely lines (week 2)

"When God gives a dream or a vision or a purpose, He will complete it." via All My Love for All My Days

"Bless the merciful as they carry our own burdens with us, and we cannot know how low they are bowed with the grief of the whole world groaning for justice and peace. Bless the ones who serve without fanfare or book deals or conference attention." via Sarah Bessey

"I think I spend more time worrying about things that never happen than I do realizing things mostly turn out okay." via Storyline Blog by Donald Miller

"We were made to live faith within the Church. It's the only way we'll be strong enough to also live our faith outside the Church." via Heirs with Christ

lovely lines (week 1)

I've been reading a lot. And thinking even more. I'll continue to share my thoughts (because as frustrated as I am I also have more clarity than I have in a long time) but sometimes I just can't say it as well as other people already have. That's where "lovely lines" comes in. 

I'll be sharing my favorite lines here on Sundays. Think of it as a breath of fresh air to start your week. Or something to meditate on and marinate in as you go about your life.

all out of reasons to run

My alarm was set to go off at 3:02am, but at 3:01am, I woke up with a start – worried that somehow I had missed the alarm and then, subsequently, missed my flight. There was a sigh of relief, and then I was out of bed – moving through the house and finishing the task of packing, which is my least favorite part of traveling.

It took me an hour to get dressed, put away the remaining laundry, pack my suitcase, feed the dogs, force the dogs to take their medicine (the peanut butter trick doesn't work; neither does hiding it in cheese), brew coffee for my husband, and throw my hair up. It was just after 4:00am when we left the house, and I was sitting in the airport – waiting to print my boarding pass – before 4:30am.

My flight was scheduled to leave at 6:50am, and I knew there wouldn't be time to cook eggs and then eat breakfast before leaving. In the past, I would have been excited about the prospect of eating on the go. It's not really possible to eat healthy, after all, when you are in the midst of traveling. And if you can enjoy tater tots from Sonic, or a really large blueberry muffin, you should.

Except this time was different. This time I was determined not to just eat what was available to me. So I became the person with a special request, and the restaurant of my choice obliged.

It wasn't the best breakfast I've ever had. The egg would have tasted better between a plain bagel or two pieces of sourdough bread, but since bread is not an option, I ate it mixed with sauteed bell peppers and onions and sprinkled with (too much) cheese.

And there wasn't anything said about the lack of bread. It cost the same as it would have cost to purchase the whole sandwich (wouldn't it be nice if it was less, though, since I ate less food?). But I felt better about what I ate than I would have otherwise. Of course, I did put a little too much half and half into my coffee, but really, I'm the sort of person who likes coffee with my creamer so at least I cut it back some.

A lot of people mention how restrictive the South Beach Diet is and how they couldn't do it. And it is restrictive and not the easiest thing in the world. But it's also not impossible.

Like anything, it comes down to choice. I choose to watch what I eat. I choose to adhere as closely to the plan as I can – though I did have the tiniest sliver of pepperoni pizza for dinner Wednesday night. My butternut squash soup just wasn't cutting it.

It would be easy to say that I failed by eating pepperoni pizza Wednesday night. Really, it would have been best not to eat it. But by eating the tiniest sliver, I showed myself that I can eat some unhealthy things without feeling like I need to eat all of it as I have in the past. After all, it wasn't too long ago that I practically refused to share a frozen pizza with my husband.

I mentioned my little cheats from over the weekend. And I feel like I need to mention the cheat I had Wednesday night because I don't want anyone to think that I'm going along perfectly and without struggle through this two week phase. Because I'm not. I don't know how people can do it perfectly because sometimes you need that something extra.

And maybe if I hadn't eaten the sliver of pepperoni pizza or the handfuls of popcorn I would have lost 7 pounds by now instead of just 5. I don't think it really matters though. I feel so much better than I did just a week ago and that's worth so much more than those two extra pounds.

I also feel more confident in my ability to live a healthier lifestyle. After a month of never stepping foot in a gym and a month of eating more ice cream than I had over the past few months, I really wondered if I could actually make the change from unhealthy to healthy. I wondered if I would be able to maintain a healthy weight if I ever got down to my goal weight. The past week has shown me that I can say no and still be satisfied with what and how I am eating.

Right now, I'm reading the book Unlimited by Jillian Michaels. I usually read through books as quickly as I can, but this time, I am slowing down and really letting her words resonate with me. And they are.

There are so many quoted from her book that are applicable. But the one that really makes me think, at least at this moment in time, is “Understanding how you think about yourself and why you react to life the way you do will allow you to change any behavior, knock out any mental obstacle, and create any reality you desire.”

I'm definitely learning how I think and why I react. I'm taking a hard, hard look at all the reasons I used to eat so much ice cream and fight over pizza with my husband – even pout if he got to eat more of the pizza than I did. And the understanding and realizations have made it much easier to embrace a healthier lifestyle.

I think that's the point of the South Beach Diet, and really any eating plan. It's not about how much weight I can lose in two weeks. It's about bidding farewell to the foods that have no real place in your life and then slowly waving hello to the foods that will fuel you once you learn how to properly and responsibly consume them.

(title from "catch me" by tony lucca)

pretty words to say

This weekend I made mostly good choices. There were a few bad choices, like several handfuls of popcorn on Sunday night while watching Courageous and drinking more Diet Coke and Diet Dr. Pepper than water, but for the most part, I selected my food wisely - eating lots of salads and soups when we went out for dinner - and made it to the gym on Saturday and on Monday.

And that's okay. Because it's a process. And processes take time.

And, as much as I love to see a smaller number on the scale, it's really not about losing weight. It's about gaining knowledge and a new lifestyle.

I lost weight this weekend. But I gained more knowledge. And I really can't wait to share all that I learned during this first week of the South Beach Diet (take three).

(title from "turpentine" by brandi carlile)

done looking for the critics (week 8)

I've loved reading for as long as I can remember. As a child, I had my parents read me The Berenstain Bear's Go To School nightly. Around the age of 5, I excitedly told them that I knew how to read and proceeded to "read" every single page. In reality, I recited the story from memory and also knew when to turn the pages, but in my child's mind, I was a genius.

My Nana was a reading specialist, before I was born, in Detroit, and so stories were also important to her. She had my dad read to me, while I was in my mother's womb, and accounts my love of the written word to this. I would have to agree with her as it's apparent that I was born both a writer and a reader.

In college, I (eventually) majored in professional writing. Through the courses in the school of journalism, as well as the English courses I took while a creative writing major, I read a lot. Some were books I enjoyed and wanted to read. Others were not. This onslaught of reading made it quite difficult to read just for pleasure, so I didn't - unless I was on vacation.

The same could be said for writing. I did do some writing for pleasure but most of it was for class and for a grade. I learned so much during my five years of college - not picking a major made it difficult to graduate in four and I probably would have stayed longer if I could have - but I also lost my love for the written word.

It's taken me nearly four years to rediscover it. Four years of really only diving into a book while on vacation. Four years of rewriting and editing the same novel. Four years of writing short stories only when someone gave me a prompt because it was too difficult for me to think of an idea. Four years of simultaneously forgetting everything I learned, remembering everything I learned, and reminding myself that it is okay to need help with writing.

The irony is not lost on me that it took me an entire bachelor's degree to recover from the bachelor's degree I hold. At least this time, no one had to pay for the courses - though there's plenty of bills to pay for real life.

I finished a book last night. The third in The Mortal Instruments series. I couldn't sleep, except for between 11pm and 1am and then again 4am and 6:50am, so I worked on a few things around the house and read. I started the books only a few weeks ago, right after finishing The Hunger Games, and I can't wait to dive into another book.

With every book I read, I feel like I discover something about myself. Sometimes its a new author I love. Other times its content that shows up on the blog. Not every discovery is big or earth shattering, but it's there.

This time I realized how badly I want to be an author. I've mentioned it before on the blog - more in passing than as an actual statement. And then I have gone about my life without diving into life as an author. Because doing that is scary. But I know it's who I am and that the longer I spend not writing the more I will feel adrift.

And I have been adrift the past few weeks. Not exercising. Struggling with what to eat and how to eat. Losing my footing on this journey towards health. It all goes back to defining who I am at the core, and who I am at the core is a writer - whether numerous people read my blog or no one read its; whether I become a best selling author or I'm never published.

The first book I ever wrote was a children's book. It was for an assignment in school. I wrote about a skunk who got trapped in a high school - the high school I ended up attending and graduating from. I illustrated the entire book as well and enjoyed telling of all the skunk's adventures. My mom still has the book.

The second book I really wrote was for class. I had (and still have) half-finished manuscripts and other stories I wrote for fun, but my senior year of college, I completed an entire novel about a girl who goes to China and what happens when she comes back.

Now I'm working on my third book. It's slow, but it's getting there. And maybe, just maybe, third time will be the charm.

I think rediscovering myself as a writer is integral for every aspect of my life - especially the journey of losing (and then maintaining the loss of) 100 pounds. Because if I don't have as firm a grasp as possible on who I am, I doubt the weight loss will be something that sticks.

So I'm on my way. Working diligently on the novel. Thinking about it all the time. Anticipating the next time I can write. Fitting it into my daily schedule, even if for just a few minutes. Just like I will once again do with exercise.

(title from "f*ckin' perfect" by pink)

Note: this post was sponsored in part by Blue Matter Marketing. All opinions and thoughts are my own. For online writing tutoring, please visit www.thewritingfaculty.com - a site that provides assistance and tutoring for writers of all ages and levels.

shine like the stars bright

When I was a teenager, I had a sticker on my closet door that read I'm not opinionated; I'm just always right. And at that age, I believed that I was. I thought I knew just about everything I needed to know in order to live my life.

I'm no longer that teenager, but I do still struggle with thinking that I know best and that I have all the answers I need to have. Finally, I am beginning to learn that I have close to none of the answers and that while I might have a good idea of what is best, the decisions are so much harder to come to.

As a teenager, I focused more on myself and how each decision impacted my life. I carried that on with me into college and the beginning of our marriage. Because each decision doesn't just impact my life; each decision impacts my husband's life and our future life.

Going to him with questions and with uncertainty is difficult. Because I want to know. I want to explain my reasoning. And I want to hear that I am right. I want that instant gratification, that sigh of relief that comes once you realize everything is going to work out for the bestthe way you want it to.

We've spent quite a bit of time talking recently and dreaming. Wondering where our lives will be in a year and in five years. Trying to understand how to not repeat the same mistakes and how to move forward the way we want to. And it's becoming clear that it's so much harder than I thought it would but also so much more rewarding.

And everything is a decision we are making together. The nights I spend at the gym. The dinners I took. The things we watch on television. Some times the decision is made in his favor; other times the decision is made in my favor. Regardless we are doing our best to make it together and not without one another.

It's a hard thing to go from the mentality of always being right to the mentality of asking what someone else thinks and then actually listening and absorbing their response. And it's a hard thing to go from wanting and needing instant gratification to a place of conversing and thinking and wondering and then waiting for the gratification you hope will come.

At times, I think we actually know what we are doing. At times, I think we are finally where we've been trying to get for the past however long amount of time. At times, the cockiness of my teenage years creeps back into my mind and I think that I know best. Even better than God who so clearly planned for my husband and I to meet and marry.

I am at that point where I could easily give into the cockiness and think that I know best. I am at the point where I want to let go of the plans and give into the wants I have. In the past, I likely would have thrown caution to the wind and given in hoping that things would work themselves back out.

Except I know better. I know better than I did when I was a teenager. I know better than I did when I was newly married. And because I know better, I am making the choice to not let go, not give in, and not throw caution to the wind.

Marriage is important, and it deserves to be treated as such. It's not something to laugh at or to make jokes about. But so many have turned it into just that. I've even turned it into that in the past. There's no such thing as a perfect husband, a perfect wife, or a perfect marriage. Perfect simply does not exist in our world. We're all flawed, and I think realizing that is a step in the right direction. Knowing that you aren't perfect and that you are not always right allows you to open up to another person and have a marriage of compromise.

My husband is so supportive. More so than I probably give him credit for. But isn't that always the way? we struggle to give credit when someone is doing everything they possibly can. For me it is sometimes because I realize how much farther I have to go in order to be as supportive as he is.

The holidays always make me think about marriage and relationships. It's been several years since I celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family. And it's hard. And it has made me more of a scrooge than not. It's tempting to be that Scrooge again this year. To think about all the things I don't have and want. But what if I did the opposite? What if I focused on what I do have instead? What if I say that I have been wrong for acting the way I have? What if I admit that I'm not always right about the holidays?

I'm the only one who can dictate my own actions. I'm the one who lays my head down on my pillow every night. I can have all the support in the world, but it's still up to me.

So I'm making that decision. About the holidays and about compromise and about holding strong to the dreams my husband and I share. I'm further bidding farewell to the girl who thought she was always right and saying hello to the girl who is willing to admit she is wrong. I'm bidding farewell to the Scrooge and saying hello to the opportunities the holiday season brings.

And, finally, I'm working on saying goodbye to the girl of plans. The girl who has to know when everything is going to happen. The girl who doesn't like when things change unexpectedly. And I am saying hello to the girl who welcomes God's plan and purpose - even when it looks different than imagined.

Who are you saying hello and goodbye to?

(title from "this is not the end" by gungor)

pretty words to say

Sometimes there is no other way to say it than how it has already been said. Sometimes you have to fall so that you can have the strength to get back up. Sometimes you need to cry so that you can have the courage to keep on going. And sometimes all we need is to be reminded that someone went before us.

(title from "turpentine" by brandi carlile)

done looking for the critics (week 2)

Every so often, in the midst of the busyness and the feelings of being not good enough, there is clarity. It might just be for one moment. Or it may be for several moments. And when it happens, when the clouds part and the fog disappears, it is impossible not to notice.

I've had moments of clarity before. Moments of truthful words being spoken. Moments of realizing and grasping how important life is as well as how God is working through all things and using all things to tell a story with my life.

Those moments do not last forever. Eventually the clarity disappears, and we are once again in murky waters. That's why it is so important to write the moments down. To remember the details. Because then we can return to those moments, through our memories, and realize once again that God is working through all things.

For months, I prayed for friendships. College brought close friends, but graduation and marriage and people moving across the country separated us all physically. There were so many times when I felt lonely. Comfort wasn't really an option though my husband did everything he could to bring me whatever comfort he could find. I got to a point where I decided I was not going to have close friends. Where I decided that it would just be me.

I don't remember the last time I prayed for close friendships. But this week I got hit with the realization of answered prayers in the form of friendships. And I understood what our pastor so often talks about. I felt like I was a part of a community, and I've felt lighter and happier and more content and more at peace than I have in months.

Nothing has really changed. Those friendships have been there for quite some time. But I refused to open myself up to them for a lengthy period of time. I pushed away. I built up my walls higher and higher. Sometime between pushing and building, those walls came crumbling down. And for the first time, I don't miss them.

This week I've learned and thought a lot about balance. I took advice and rested more than usual. And in just five days, I've lost over three pounds according to the scale. As excited as I am about the loss on the scale, I am much more excited about the peace I feel. I thought I needed weight loss, but really I needed perspective gained and a moment of clarity.

With this moment of clarity, there is still a question. And that question is where do I go from here? The answer is I am still not sure.

I used to think that there needed to be an answer for every question. I felt like I needed to have it all figured out. Often times, I still feel like I need to have it figured out because it seems like everyone else has it all figured out.

This moment of clarity showed me that no one has it all figured out. That's why we need each other. We learn from one another. Everyone is blessed with a talent and with knowledge. And that talent and knowledge is meant to be shared with other people.

Every person on this earth is born with a purpose. I strongly believe that. Life, then, is the time we spend on earth finding our purpose. Some people's purposes seem bigger than others. But there is no such thing as a bigger purpose than another person. Because we are all important and loved and created.

I struggle with this. I want my purpose to be big and in shining lights. I want to see the impact I have on other lives. And I spend too much time wanting those things and too little time seeing what my life is right now.

That's my goal for this next week. I want balance. And to be present in my current life. I want my purpose to be whatever it is supposed to be. And I want to help others find their purpose.

(title from "f*ckin' perfect" by pink)

done looking for the critics (week 1)

I've been considering this blog a lot recently. I've thought about what I want it to say. Not just in words but in a feeling. I've thought about what I want from it as the creator and writer, as the person living this day to day life. I've also thought about what I want it to be for everyone who stumbles across it and for those who follow it whether through blogger, facebook, or twitter. I've also thought about what I want it to reflect.

There's not one category I can place this blog into. It's about everything. My journey to lose 100 pounds and also my faith. There's been some talk of my writing also. And sometimes I mention my marriage and how we met and fell in love.

I want to continue to share all of these aspects. I want to tell my stories even if no one else reads or identifies with them because they are my stories. And any story that belongs to you deserves to be told. I want to continue with honesty because I think everyone needs to know they are never alone, and I firmly believe the world needs more honesty and vulnerability because that is how we, as people, connect.

And I want this to be a place of inspiration. For myself and for you. SometimesToo often, I struggle with finding the good in any and all situation. Because it is always there. Even if it is buried under a lot of other things, it is there. I know that because I know God is good and that He is always present. But I know it is hard to find in the midst of sickness and in money worries and in everything else that plagues us on this eart.

I think it's especially hard to find the good in the midst of losing weight and gaining health. Because so much of this is dependent on the scale and what the scale says in a number as well as what the scale says about us as people.

I often remind myself and friends that the scale does not dictate who I am or who they are. But I have a hard time remembering that in those moments when I step on and see that the number has not dropped at all. I struggle with that when I try on a size smaller of clothes expecting it to fit only to find that my butt is still too big to squeeze into it. Sometime I struggle with it when I hug my husband and realize again that he is leaner
than I am and wonder if I can ever be as healthy and fit as I want to be.

If I focus only on the scale and on clothes for approval and reminders that I am doing well, I will fail. Because the scale and clothes do not dictate how healthy I am or how I feel. They don't dictate hor healthy you are either. They can be tools if used properly, but they are not the end all and be all of health.

So what is?

For me, it's how hard I am pushing myself. It's seeing how far I have come from just 6 months ago. It's realizing that I can do more than I ever have. It's focusing on those things. It's also letting go of all my old behaviors and tapping into new ones. It's learning (and sticking to) what works for me in the way of a healthy lifestyle.

I want to document those things. Hopefully on a weekly basis. This will be the first week. I don't know what it will look like on a week-to-week basis. It might just be a picture dump. Or maybe a recipe. I might even do a pinterest dump. But whatever it is, it will be honest and it will reflect both what I am learning and struggling with as well as my successes and any failures I might have had.

This week has been up and down. I struggled with cold and allergies. I got not-so-great news from the doctor. As rough as parts of it were, I persevered. I never gave up; I just tried harder.

I focused on what I ate and read the ingredients list. I tracked every single calorie and ounce of water I drank. I started to cut out processed foods and plan what I would eat before arriving at restaurants.

Between Monday and Friday, I burned over 3300 calories in 6 hours and 17 minutes. I spent more time with my heart rate about 136 than I ever have before.

I was told that both my fitness and max performance were improving on more than one occassion which makes me more excited to hit the gym.

I'm proud of myself for where I am. I feel more committed to my health and wellness. I feel like I can push myself more and more each day. I'm no longer even the tiniest bit afraid of failing. Instead, I am excited.

I celebrated six-months of this journey on Wednesday. And it was hard. I was hard on myself. I felt like a failure for having only lost 25 pounds and felt like I should have been at the 50 pound mark by then. I no longer feel this way because I know that I have gained so much in the past 6 months, and what I have gained definitely outweighs the need to lose 50 pounds in six months versus 25 pounds in six months.

The next six month will have their own set of challenges. But I'm not worried because I am going to focus on each day and each week, and eventually it will work out in such a way that I can look back at the next six months and see nothing but success.

Here's to this week and to next week. Here's to not focusing on just the scale but seeing health for what is - an everything in life matters just as equally journey.

I wish every overweight person could step into the body of a fit person for one week, maybe just one day. I think it would be the catalyst for a new resolve. If you could "feel" the end, you would stay the course. Abby Rike, "Working It Out"

(title from "f*ckin' perfect" by pink)