it's come to this

picture found here.

The day started with a doctor's appointment. A follow-up to the day, three weeks ago, when I had a pint of blood drawn and then tested for a lengthy list of conditions that can cause an enlarged liver. Things like hepatitis and Wilson's disease.

I was slightly nervous having googled enlarged liver and headache the day before, but I also had a sense of peace. It had been three weeks. The doctor had not called in a panic asking me to come in early.

And there was nothing. Every test came back negative. No viruses. No diseases. No genetic conditions. There was a sigh of relief, and then we talked about diet and about exercise.

My liver enzymes are slightly elevated. They are just a few points over what is considered normal, so my doctor is not too alarmed. He wants to monitor it with a visit and blood work every six months. But as far as he is concerned, it is something I can change and fix. It is all in my hands now.

I've struggled with my weight for years. I try for a little while, and then I always stop trying. I spent some time taking diet pills. Other time forcing myself to not eat (or to purge what I did eat). I wanted to be skinny, but I never wanted to do all the hard work. It seemed easy for everyone else, and I wanted it to be easy for me.

There is a part of me even still that wants an easy solution. But I know the easy solution is not something I can come by. I know that this getting healthy and working towards a better me is going to take a lot of hard work.

I've said I was ready before. And I was for a moment in time. But I easily lifted my hands and gave up and stopped trying. I don't want to be that person. I want to continue to move towards my goal. I want to work towards something, achieve it, and then continue to work towards something else.

I want the number on the scale to decrease. I also want my pants and shirts to become too large resulting in a need to go shopping for new clothes. But more than that, I want to be healthy. Because weight and size of clothing is not only dependent on diet and exercise. It has to do with genetics and build type. But health? That is all me.

This is new territory for me. I know some about healthy eating thanks to a nutrition class I took in college. Still, knowledge and application are two entirely different things. I can spout off the knowledge, yes, but when I go to apply the knowledge to my everyday life, it's a bit tricker.

Portion... what is that? And this doesn't really have that many calories, right? It's only a diet coke.

Then there is snacks and the elusive fullness. I make decent choices for lunch, but by the middle of the afternoon, my stomach is empty and grumbling and I find myself eating something that completely undoes all the good lunch did.

And exercise? I want to exercise. It sounds good in theory. There have been more mornings than I can count that started with the intention of working out, and there was a period of several months where I successfully made it to the gym at least three days a week.

But something always happens. I get tired. Or sick. Or just need "a break." (It could just be plain laziness, too.) I no longer feel inspired. Or I feel like it's just not working, that there is no progress being made, and I feel like there will be no future progress.

It's all excuses. And they need to stop now.

So I am putting it all out on the line. I'm saying I need to change, and I am going to hold myself accountable. I don't know exactly how this will all work out, and I am not sure what my plan is going to be. But I am going to do something about this.

It's funny really. Everything is changing. I am being pushed out of my comfort zone and into the unknown. With my writing. With my health. With every aspect of my life. And I know it's for a reason. God is definitely up to something.

(title from "what if you" by joshua radin)