i can see now

Five, sometimes six, days a week my husband is out of bed and on the road by 4:30am. There was a time when I got up with him every single day. I'd kiss him goodbye, hand him the coffee I made, and then collapse back into bed. That time is now long gone, and I usually don't even realize he's out the door and on his way to work.

Every now and then, though, our paths cross in the morning. I told him on Sunday night that he might need to be responsible for ensuring that I got out of bed and into the gym in the morning. He told me that he didn't mind making sure I was awake but that the responsibility would fall on me, not him.

Monday morning, I got up when he did, but once I choraled the dogs back inside, I collapsed in bed and stayed there for an extra thirty minutes. Then, sufficiently rested (or as sufficiently rested as I could be), I stumbled out the door and into the gym. Forty-five sweaty minutes later, I was ready to face the day.

It wasn't the best work-out I've ever had, but it also wasn't the worst. And as tired as I was when I first woke up, I loved the feeling of accomplishment I started the day with.

That feeling of accomplishment followed me throughout the rest of the day. And a feeling of healthiness and energy joined it as the day wore on. By the time I ended the first part of my work day, I was ready to get back into the gym, so I did just that and squeezed in 15 minutes of walking/jogging and 25 minutes of strength training.

The only problem with working out so much is how hungry I am. I know it's a phase and that it will pass once my body adjusts to the amount of exercise. But it's hard to say no to healthy food even when I know the calories will just continue to add up and up.

I really don't know how people restrict calories to the extreme and then burn every single calorie, and then some, at the gym. I need fuel. I simply can't survive the day-to-day matters, let alone a sweaty workout, without that fuel. It's probably a good thing, really. I want to do this the right way. History has taught me that f I don't do it the right way, or for the right reasons, that I will inevitably fail. Maybe not right away. But eventually and inevitably I will.

Doing it the right way means I can't beat myself up for the amount of pizza I ate, again, from The Wedge. Because I ate it slowly and allowed myself time to digest. I waited before reaching for another piece. And I can't beat myself up for it because there's a huge difference between eating all natural ingredients and eating a greasy few pieces of pizza from Papa John's.

Doing it the right way means I need to have goals. Goals of ways to reward myself. And also goals to reach. My focus currently is on the goals to reach - specifically fitness goals.

I signed up to swim a 50m race last week. It's for a work event called Corporate Challenge. I'm not sure how seriously most people take it. I only know that I am using it to my advantage and committing myself to do the absolute best that I can.

Years ago, I was an athlete. I was a swimmer. I loved being in the water and racing. I was never the fastest swimmer but I always tried. At least I always tried until one day I stopped trying. I want to return to the days of being a swimmer and of always trying. The first real try will be on June 2nd. The days leading up to June 2nd will be days of preparation - starting with an early morning swim today.

And I want to be a runner. Each time I see someone running outside or on the treadmill, I feel something rise up in me and say I want that. So I'm going to give it a try and start following the Couch to 5K program because there is just no way I could suddenly start running. And I am going to find a race to run.

No matter how hard it is to jump into the cold pool or how tired I get, feet pounding on the pavement, I refuse to give up. Now is the time to push myself. Now is the time to rid myself of all excuses. Now is the time to have my path cross with my husband's in the morning - him going to work and me going to the gym. Now is the time to hold onto the feeling of accomplishment. Now is the time to do the work and then see real results.

(title from "maybe" by everly)

waiting for this moment to arise

I spent 45 minutes on the elliptical during my lunch hour and completed a 5k. It wasn't the easiest work out because I struggled mentally. Every muscle in my arms hurt after my strength training work out from Tuesday, and I was exhausted after a Tuesday spent rushing from work to the grocery story to community group and then finally home for a late night dinner.

Napping under my desk sounded like the best way to spend my lunch hour, but I knew I would regret not stepping foot in the gym. So I went.

At first, I told myself I would finish two miles and then switch to the stationary bicycle. But by the time I hit two miles, I felt a shift and knew that I wanted to spend my time sweating on the elliptical and not switching to a less intense work out.

During the 45 minutes on the elliptical, I burned 420 calories according to my heart rate monitor. Had I plugged my weight into the elliptical, it might have said that I burned closer to 500 calories. When I put the time spent on the elliptical into MyFitnessPal, it suggested that I had burned over 600 calories. I trust that my heart rate monitor knows best, so I trust the number that pops up on the screen rather than trusting what the machine or the computer says.

I've done a little research and found that cardio machines are often wrong with the number of calories burned. The elliptical tends to over estimate while the treadmill, and stationary bicycle, under estimate. I've found the same to be true with MyFitnessPal as I generally burn more calories while walking than it says, less calories while on the elliptical, more calories when weight lifting, less calories while on the stationary bicycle, and more calories while swimming.

Knowing this helps me a lot. It reminds me of just how hard I have to work to burn calories. Because I do have to work hard. I don't burn the calories without pushing myself and trying harder each and every day. It also reminds me of just how important watching what I eat is; I don't want to ruin my time in the gym by eating too much food or the wrong foods.

So, you could say my relationship with MyFitnessPal is a love and hate relationship. Just like my relationship with other things is a love and hate relationship.

You see I have a love and hate relationship with my kitchen. I love it because it's mine, and it's the kitchen where I've first learned how to cook and also discovered how much I truly love cooking. But I hate how small it is.

One day I'l look back at our small kitchen with fondness and humor. One day I'll remember how I functioned in our kitchen and realize how thankful I am to have a large kitchen - my dream kitchen. Just like one day I'll look back at my 15 minute mile with fondness and then at my much faster mile with excitement.

The further I get into this process the more time I spend in the kitchen. When I got home from work today, I headed immediately into the kitchen and started cleaning and then moved onto making ratatouille (with melted monterrey jack cheese on it) and grilling sirloin on my 5-in-1 Cuisinart griddle/grill combo. And while I love spending time in the kitchen, I hate how cramped it is (and how I seem to step on at least one dog during the process of cooking).

Having a love and hate relationship could have easily stopped me from pushing on towards my goal in the past. But now I know that the love and hate relationship signals, for me, a balance and also that I am well on my way to doing what I need to do - regardless of how I feel about it.

I feel like I so often repeat myself on this blog and that I mention learning the same lessons over and over. I wonder if I should just not mention the lessons that hit me during the most mundane tasks - especially if I've talked about them before - but the last thing I want to do is leave out anything important.

Spending time doing the things I both love and hate today made me realize that, even though I have a ways to go, I'm so much closer to loving these things than I am to hating them. And by loving these things, I'm so much closer to figuring out who I really am.

I've been myself for 26 years, but it's been the past nine months that have opened me up to the person I want to be and to the person I already am. Without excess weight to hide behind, I'm ready to step out and try new things and celebrate my successes instead of ignoring any positive words I might hear. And I can't wait to see all the other things I learn about myself (and cooking!) over the next nine months.

Eggplant Ratatouille (adapted from this recipe):

Ingredients:

1 medium eggplant, cut into 1" pieces

1/3 cup olive oil

4 garlic cloves, pushed through a press

1 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon dried rosemary

1/2 teaspoon dried thyme

1 teaspoon black pepper

1 medium zucchini, cut into 1" pieces

2 yellow squash, cut into 1" pieces

1 small tomato, cut into 1/2" pieces

1 small onion, thinly sliced

Directions:

1. Heat oven to 425 F. 

2. Remove skin from eggplant.

3. Sprinkle eggplant with salt; place in a colander and let bitter juices drain 20 minutes. 

4. Rinse eggplant and pat dry.

5. In a 10 x 15 baking dish, mix oil, garlic, salt, rosemary, thyme, and pepper. Add vegetables (I sliced mine and placed them in the dish as the eggplant drained) and toss to coat evenly with oil mixture.

6. Cover dish with foil and bake 15 minutes. Uncover and cook 30 minutes more, mixing occasionally, until vegetables are tender and browned.

This recipe makes 6-7 servings. Each serving is 1 cup and contains approximately (calculated using MyFitnessPal): 109 calories, 14g carbohydrates, 5g fat, 4g protein, 0g sugar.

For the steak, I used a low sodium montreal steak seasoning mixed with water and olive oil. I let the steak marinate for about 30 minutes and then cooked it on medium-medium high heat for about 15 minutes.

(title from "blackbird" by sarah mclachlan)

here we go again

After weeks away from the gym, I was nervous. I've dealt with anxiety over exercising and what other people thought of me, but I overcame much of that anxiety. And then I stopped going to the gym.

I would tell myself that this would be the week that I started exercising again. I always meant it, but until this week, I didn't follow through. There were plenty of reasonsexcuses. One was my knee.

In junior high, I had knee surgery on my left knee, and then the summer before my freshman year of college, I had knee surgery on my right knee. I've dealt with problems with my left knee (my knee cap moving out of place) for years. Spending hours at the gym alleviated many of the problems as I finally began strengthening the tendons and muscles in my knee.

But something happened with my right knee. I thought it was overuse and misuse. I would straighten my right leg, and my knee would pop loudly each time. I would bend my knees, and I would hear bone rubbing on bone. And I cringed every time. I decided I needed rest and used the rest as a reason to not work out. But the problems only got worse.

I finally started moving on Monday, and while my knee isn't fully fixed, it feels much better and is already making less noise. I can only attribute that to the past three days on the elliptical, consuming lots of water, and once again taking glucosamine (along with cranberry extract, fish oil, milk thistle, and a multivitamin).

When I stepped into the gym today, I did so with a mission. My upper body was sore after one day of rowing and yoga abs and then another day of upper body strength training, so I knew that my Wednesday work out would need to concentrate on something other than my arms and core muscles.

I decided to complete 40 minutes on the elliptical - 10 minutes more than what I did on Monday or Tuesday. Just moving on the elliptical wouldn't be enough, so I looked for interval work outs to fit my needs. But I didn't find anything I liked, so I created my own.

I spent the first 10 minutes on the elliptical increasing the incline. I kept my speed around 4mph. Then I completed 10 minutes of intervals. I moved at 4mph for 30 seconds and then increased my speed to somewhere between 5mph and 6mph for 30 seconds and then repeated that routine for 10 minutes. After that, I completed another 10 minutes on the elliptical increasing the incline and then another 5 minutes of intervals. I ended with a 5 minute cool down and then somehow made it back to my office to finish the rest of the work day. I was a sweaty, sore mess, but I loved every minute of it.

My day had the potential of turning out poorly. I was rushed this morning as I had something to take care of before work. Our coffeemaker also malfunctioned, so I left the house without an egg scramble and coffee. But instead of letting that determine my entire day, I made do with breakfast, eating turkey bacon and some cheese, and got my caffeine from somewhere else. And I finished the day without any cheating on phase one of the South Beach Diet.

I had planned on making turkey chili in the CrockPot for dinner, but my rushed morning made that impossible. My back-up plan was to make a taco salad, using lean ground turkey for the meat, but by the time I got home, I no longer wanted anything Mexican. In the past, I would have struggled to figure out what I wanted to eat, but I found a recipe on Pinterest that I knew would work for dinner.

It's only recently that I've truly started to cook, so most likely, I will be unable to take credit (ever) for full recipes. I say that because I want to make sure and give credit where credit is due.

Dinner tonight was lightly smothered chicken, although I smothered it a bit more. That's part of the beauty of the South Beach Diet. I can eat as much as I want of the right foods, and somehow I eat less than I do when I'm just watching what I eat.

I started with 12 ounces of baked chicken breast (the original recipe calls for grilled). The chicken breast was seasoned with Italian Seasonings; I baked it at 375° for 25-30 minutes on Monday. The juices ran clear, and it was not dry at all. I then sliced one green bell pepper, one onion, and 8 ounces of mushrooms. I sauteed all of the vegetables in 1 teaspoon of olive oil.

While the vegetables cooked for about seven minutes (they were still crispy - just like I like them), I smothered the chicken in dijon mustard. The original recipe calls for one tablespoon of dijon mustard, but I used more than that. Once the vegetables were finished cooking, I mixed them in a bowl with oregano, two cloves of minced garlic (the original recipe calls for one), sea salt, and pepper.

I put the vegetables on top of the chicken and then covered the chicken and vegetables with cheese. The original recipe called for mozzarella cheese, but I didn't have any so I used colby jack cheese. I also used more cheese than the original recipe because, well, I can eat lots of cheese. The dish cooked for approximately 10 minutes, just long enough for the cheese to melt and the chicken to be reheated, at 350°.

This is a recipe I will definitely be making again. I ate most of it for dinner, and my husband tried it as well. It's now one of his favorites. Next time I would make less onions as they aren't my favorite and use two bell peppers as well as increase the amount of chicken which would make enough food for two dinners and one lunch at least.

So much today was simple. A simple dinner, a simple work out. But it was what I needed because it showed me that I can do this - even when my morning is rushed and less than ideal. I needed that reminder.

(title from "sort of" by ingrid michaelson)

sometimes you just need a little faith

My alarm went off at 4:02am on Monday morning, and I stumbled out of bed. My husband is required to be at work by 5am every day, so we get up in the morning together and I help him by making his coffee and putting his lunch together. Normally, I fall back into bed within 15 minutes and am back asleep within another 15 minutes.

Monday was different. Monday was the first day on phase one for the South Beach Diet. Monday was the first day of restarting my journey towards health.

After he left for work, I turned the oven on and set a pack of chicken breasts under a stream of water. My biggest struggle is planning. The South Beach Diet requires planning - especially phase one when there is no bread consumed, no fruit to be eaten, and it is almost impossible to eat processed foods.

That morning I baked tilapia and I tossed chicken, diced tomatoes, and black beans into the CrockPot. While the tilapia cooked, I settled back into bed and started my quiet time.

Weight loss is different for everyone. For me, it's a spiritual matter as much as it is a physical matter. I know that in the past I haven't done well putting my relationship with God, or with myself first, and I decided that this time around I would make sure that my relationship with God came first. Spending the twenty minutes reading my Bible and journaling prepared me for the rest of the day, and I knew that I would and could do it.

For breakfast, I sauteed spinach and then scrambled the spinach into two eggs and one egg white; I then mixed in 1/4 cup Mexican shredded cheese. I also cooked turkey bacon in the microwave. I brewed my coffee and then drank that on the way to work. I took the baked tilapia, sprinkled with Italian seasonings, for lunch and ate that along with a bag of steamed broccoli. Dinner that night was a South Beach Diet friendly adaptation of CrockPot Santa Fe Chicken meaning I skipped the corn and did not make rice to serve along with the chicken. I also made sure to drink almost 70 ounces of water and only one Diet Dr. Pepper. I ended the day with sugar free chocolate mousse from Jell-O.

I had hoped to make it to the gym Monday morning but between cooking, quiet time, and than taking one of our dogs to the vet, I didn't have time. But I knew I would have the lunch hour to spend at the gym. And I did just that.

I spent 30 minutes on the elliptical, 10 minutes on the rowing machine, and then 6 minutes doing yoga abs. By the time my lunch hour ended, I was sweaty, sore, and happy.

Tuesday started the same as Monday except that I went back to bed within 15 minutes of making my husband's coffee, and I then proceeded to hit the snooze button until the last possible moment. Still, I managed to get up, spend time reading my Bible, bake chicken in the oven, and cook breakfast before leaving for work.

 

My breakfast on Tuesday included sauteed mushrooms and spinach and three scrambled eggs. I left the cheese out of the equation and also ate two pieces of turkey bacon. For lunch, I ate leftover CrockPot Santa Fe Chicken. Dinner included a 5 ounce steak, seasoned with salt, pepper, and cumin, cheesy cauliflower, and steamed green beans. I managed to say "no" to a piece of King Cake and again ended the day with sugar free chocolate mousse from Jell-O.

I had hoped to complete two workouts on Tuesday, but two snoring, cuddly dogs beat going to the gym at 5am. I did squeeze a workout in near the end of the day and completed 30 minutes on the elliptical, 10 minutes on the stationary bicycle, and then 13 minutes of upper arms strength training. I was sweatier than Monday, sorer than Monday, and happier.

It's only been two days and already I feel a million times better. I don't think it's just the exercise, just the food, or just the water. I think doing one thing without the others would be counter productive but doing all three makes me unstoppable.

My biggest struggle is planning as I mentioned before which makes the South Beach Diet more of a challenge, but the South Beach Diet also helps me to understand how to plan out my meals as well as how to plan how I spend my time in the mornings and throughout the day.

I chose the South Beach Diet because of how it causes me to plan. But I also chose the South Beach Diet because it cuts out the food I eat too much of - carbohydrates and sweets.

There are some people who can control their portions. I am not one of those people. I can easily eat an entire pint, or quart, of ice cream in one sitting. I also struggle saying no to bread or tortillas or tortilla chips - especially when there is queso to dip the tortilla and chips in. The last time I started the South Beach Diet I did not do well with reintroducing carbohydrates and sweets into my diet. Instead of starting slow, I rushed into the carbohydrates and sweets - undoing all the good that Phase One had done.

This time around I am looking at the South Beach Diet as a true lifestyle change. This time I am constantly thinking about what I can eat, and what I can't. This time I am seeing the next two weeks as an opportunity instead of fourteen days of restriction to survive. This time I am excited about what will happen after the next two weeks instead of worried about if I will even make it through the next two weeks.

The South Beach Diet isn't for everyone. I'm making it work for me which means that I'm eating a lot of frozen vegetables and that the meals I am making are simple and also ones that my husband can (and will) eat. I'm also ensuring that there are always leftovers because then I can take the leftovers for lunch the next day which makes the mornings easier.

I know that not every day will be as "easy" as the past two days have been. I'm off work for most of next week, and will be spending four days in Texas with my parents. Nothing beats Mexican food in Texas, but I can, and will, say no to nachos and tortillas while I am there. I also struggle more with my eating when I am at home than when I am at work. There are plenty of reasons why I might fail, but I know I won't because I won't let myself.

This - my health - is so much more important that my love of nachos. It is so much more important then anything because this is my life. And it's my time to put my life first.

(title from "the sun will rise" by kelly clarkson)

it sounded familiar in a way

For six months, I had it all together. I worked out at least five times a week - usually nine. I split my time between two gyms and anticipated sore muscles. I took pleasure and found excitement in counting my calories. I felt accomplished and sure of myself. I determined that nothing would stop me from reaching my goal.

I completed a 5K on Thanksgiving Day, on the elliptical, and loved that I spent the beginning of a holiday dedicated to food exercising. I promised myself that Christmas would be much the same. But it wasn't.

There's no easy way to lose weight. Setbacks happen. Life often gets in the way. And sometimes exercise isn't a priority.

I promised myself that after Christmas I would get back into the groove. I announced that I was starting the South Beach Diet again. And I did - for a day.

I'm struggling right now. And I'm not doing a very good job of planning meals or making my health a priority. I want to do those things - but I haven't.

This weekend has been a lot of ups and downs. We've gone out to dinner, cuddled on the couch, spent time with family, and I went to baby shower. We've talked a lot about the future as well as what is happening right now in our lives. And there's a lot happening.

Being healthy is a part of all that is happening. New opportunities are presenting themselves, and I know that I can't really put all of myself into those new opportunities without being healthy. And I want all of it - the health, the writing, the opportunities, the things that are waiting in the shadows but have not yet made themselves known. I want 2011 to have been the year I began my weight loss journey and 2012 to be the year I finished it.

But I'm scared. It's been so easy to slip back into old habits like drinking diet coke instead of water. It's been so nice to spend my lunch break reading or eating or shopping instead of sweating in a zumba class or on the elliptical. It's become almost second nature to say that I'll just start again next week.

At the beginning of the year, Shay Sorrells posted about the seven biggest mistakes she made after being on The Biggest Loser. Having spent the past few years not watching the show, I watched all of season 8 in a matter of weeks thanks to Netflix, so it felt as though I had just gotten to know Shay. Her story resonated with me as I work in the field of social work, and I've seen or heard many stories similar to hers. I wanted, for my own selfish reasons, for her to be one of the ones who never slipped or struggled.

Reading her post, I recognize myself in almost all of her mistakes. Because I've done and said all of those things. I've allowed myself to convince myself that if someone else says it's okay then it is. I've allowed myself to not push myself and to rest because I just didn't feel like going to the gym.

The thing about her honesty that really got to me was the fact that after she put it all out there, she talked about her goals and what she was going to do to pursue them. I know she's not perfect - none of us are - but being reminded that someone else out there is struggling and fighting through it was exactly what I needed. She was exactly what I needed.

So I am starting again tomorrow.

The plan is the South Beach Diet for the third time (third time's a charm, right?).

The plan is to take my gym bag to work and spend my lunch hour sweating on the elliptical.

The plan is to go to the grocery store tomorrow evening armed with a list and the determination to eat healthy.

The plan is to put my health first so that I can be faithful to what all God is calling me to.

At the end of January, I plan to start a boot camp through the university I work for. I'm excited for the chance to push myself and try new exercises. I can't wait to show myself what I can do. Before then, though, I want to get back into the gym on a daily basis. I want to spend my lunch hour sweating and maybe a few early mornings too.

Starting Monday, I'll be chronicling all of my struggles and successes with exercise here. Because I need to do that for myself. I need to be honest and truly accountable for whatever I do - or don't do - at the gym. I need to keep track of what I eat, how much I eat, when I eat, and why I eat - sharing a few recipes along the way as well. I need to remind myself of how much better I feel when I choose diet coke over water and fresh food over Arby's.

I need to rediscover my love of health. Because that's what my journey is all about. And if I lose weight along the way, even better.

(title from "between the lines" by sara bareilles)

i have to want to leave the ground

I've never been a fast runner. Really I've never been a runner. And in the past that was fine. Planned even. In the past, I had no desire to be a runner.

But now, I do.

When I took PE class, I generally walked the required mile. There was a group of us who would walk and maybe jog some for the benefit of the teachers. None of us had any real desire to run. We were in PE class because it was a required part of our education and not because we chose to be.

Now, upon entering the gym, I am there because I choose to be. Yes, it is a helpful part of my weight loss journey, but I could strictly watch my calories and still lose weight. I did that last week and lost a pound. I go to the gym because I like the endorphins and because sweating up a storm makes me feel better about myself.

I forgot that last week. I gave into the impending winter weather. I allowed myself rest. It helped some, but now it is Monday morning of a new week and I am still tired. I still don't want to go to the gym. So this week, instead of resting, I am going to force myself to finish.

In PE class, your times of completing a mile are compared with the other students (at least they were for me) as well as with the time you took to complete your previous mile. Knowing I would never win against another student allowed me, in my mind, the opportunity not to try.

And while I do compare myself to others in the gym, my time and my effort really only matters for myself. I'm not doing this for a grade or to be able to look at others and say I can run faster than you. I am doing this because I want to be healthy and because I want the joy of saying I finished that mile in my fastest time yet.

More than that, I want to reclaim the joy of just saying that I finished. I want to rediscover the feeling of accomplishment I get after a workout. I want to remember how much I love the gym. And I want to stop allowing my injuries or exhaustion to take over.

Because I am injured. I have a knee that hurts all of the time. And I'm not going to be able to break into a sprint or come in first during a 5k. But right now all that matters is that I try and that I not give up. Right now I need to push through the pain and rehabilitate my knee. I need to stop making excuses and stop allowing things to get in my way.

I need to remember that I will never again be that girl who took 20 minutes to finish a mile. And I need to remember that I will always be the girl who finishes.

(title from "on my way here" by ryan tedder)

there'll come a day

After a week away from the gym and then a week finding myself back in the gym, I've realized that I need to push myself even harder. I need to not become comfortable with the gym. I need to constantly push myself to run faster, bike harder, and lift heavier.

The gym still intimidates me. When I first started this journey, it terrified me. I felt out of place and as though I would never belong. I wasn't thin or tan or fit or pretty or anything that I thought the other people in the gym were. And even though the gym intimidates me, I am determined to continue to step foot into the gym and continue to ignore the other people at the gym.

When I step foot into the gym, I do it with purpose. My purpose is to sweat, to burn calories, to move as much as I possibly can. It's not to socialize or meet new people. I love having a friend next to me on the elliptical or on the mat because my friends push me to work out harder.

The further I go into this journey to more I see that my work outs need to constantly change. The first work out I completed left me exhausted and sore. As I continued to push myself and spend time in the gym, the soreness disappeared. I enjoyed completing a work out, waking up the next morning with no soreness and getting after it again. I felt like I was getting stronger. And I was, in a lot of ways, but I was also becoming complacent and comfortable.

It's no secret that the body adapts to exercise. The body is smart. It recognizes the movements and becomes comfortable with those movements. And that comfort makes it so that the body stops adapting and stop changing. No amount of exercise, for me at least, can undo the comfort unless the movements are different.

Changing exercise scares me. I'm worried about getting hurt. I'm worried about doing exercises incorrectly. I'm worried about looking like a fool in front of other people who know what they are doing.

Last Wednesday, I took a chance. There was a free boot camp hosted at my place of employment. All you had to do to participate was to bring a canned food. So I borrowed a can of food from a co-worker and headed to boot camp with her.

That day I did things I wasn't sure I could do. I tried new exercises. I spoke up when I couldn't do something and took the instruction on how to modify movements to meet my needs. And I didn't give up.

Months ago, I met with a trainer for a personalized consultation. He wrote down weights for me to complete without really listening to my needs. And he told me that I should do planks and squats. I told him I didn't know what a plank was and that I could not do squats.

He mentioned that I should attend one of his classes and that he would then show me how to do the proper squat as well as teach me how to do a plank. I thought about going, but I never did. I was too scared.

It wasn't just fear of doing squats and possibly getting hurt. There was fear of letting someone in and seeking advice. That sounds odd; after all a trainer's job is to show individuals how to exercise in such a way that gets results and also meets the needs of one person's body.

I've gotten over that fear now. All of those fears. It happened one day in zumba class when the instructor began doing squats in the middle of the class, and I had nothing to but learn how to complete squats with the proper form.

So I did the squats then. And after class was done, I walked out of the gym. My knees never gave out as I feared they would. I completed squats again in other zumba classes, and I spent time doing squats while at the boot camp on Wednesday.

After mentioning my knee injuries to the trainers, they checked on me. Making sure I was okay with the different circuits. Asking how I felt with squats. And I told them I was good that I knew to listen to my body and that I wouldn't push myself too far.

I didn't. I pushed myself and tried new things. I sweated a lot and woke up the next day sore. But I wasn't hurt.

I'm chasing the soreness now. I want to feel my muscles working and strengthening. I want to know, as soon as I wake up the next morning, that I am no longer comfortable with my own work outs.

I am so much more open to exercise now. I'm excited to try different classes and to learn what other things I can do that I didn't think I could. I'm excited to see how I improve at squats. I'm excited to jump on the elliptical throughout the week and run out several miles.

Every time I do a squat and finish a mile, I move further away from the fear and closer to the fit and healthy person I am chasing. Every time I push myself and try something new, I remind myself that this journey is mine for the taking. Every time I complete a work out with shaking arms, as I did today, or wake up sore from the work out the day before, I move further and further away from comfortable.

(title from "the sun will rise" by kelly clarkson)

how hard it is to make it look so easy

Following a week of being sick, I planned on getting out of bed by 5:00am and heading straight to the gym. I wanted my Monday to start off with thirty minutes on the elliptical and thirty minutes of strength training. But after a restless night's sleep, I chose to change the alarm for 6:25am and cuddle with our two dogs.

Spending my lunch hour at the gym had always been my plan for Monday. I debated getting onto the elliptical then since I missed my chance that morning, but spin class called out to me. And I answered.

I finished thirty minutes of spin class and burned over 300 calories. And then I dismounted and headed for the weights. While I wanted to last the entire hour of spin class, I couldn't do it. I felt too weak, and my heart rate was staying too high - making it quite difficult to breathe.

My hope had been that I would walk back into the gym and be able to do all the things I did before getting sick. But a week away from the gym, a week spent resting on the couch and eating too much frozen yogurt, made that hope fail.

I never thought that a week could so drastically change me, but it did.

I appreciate the strength I have gained so much more now. While I was defeated for a moment, I am now thankful for the time I have spent at the gym so far. And I'm excited to regain my old strength and increase it now that I'm on antibiotics and getting over being so sick it was hard to move.

This is where patience comes in handy. I need to wait and allow things to take their time. I need to accept that things will not always be exactly how I want them to be. But when you are forced to be patient, you tend to learn a lot more. At least that's how it is for me.

I may not have conquered two work outs today, but I left the office and headed straight to the gym at lunch. I may not have made the whole one hour spin class, but I listened to my body and did what was best for me. I may not have been able to lift as much weight, but I still lifted.

After burning over 500 calories, and watching what I ate throughout the day, I enjoyed Mexican food and conversation with my husband and two friends. Instead of ignoring the chips and queso, I enjoyed it but did not ask for more queso. Instead of eating a salad, I stayed with my tried and true chicken quesadillas. It's been months since I ate real Mexican food, and while it probably negated my work out for the day, I walked out of the restaurant with more patience and more gratitude for the fact that I got back into the gym after seven days of being sedentary.

I'm learning just how much of a say I have in my own life. Things will always happen. There will always be responsibilities that need to be met. But it's up to me to decide how to respond to those things that happen. It's up to me to have the right attitude while meeting responsibilities. Just like it was up to me to make it to the gym at least once on Monday.

Just like it will be up to me to make it to the gym at least once today and tomorrow and the next day.

(title from "easy" by rascal flatts & natasha bedingfield)

a story to tell

From the start, I knew this would be a journey. I knew there would be ups and downs. I figured there would be moments of weight loss and moments of no weight loss. And I knew that I would have to change my path.

Just like any journey, I had to be ready when I started. Most people don't wake up one morning, decide to travel to Europe and then jump on a plane that day. When there is a trip to Europe, there is planning. Lots of planning. I know; I've done the planning.

And just like any journey, I have had to be flexible. Not everything goes according to plan when traveling. There are missed connections and bus routes that are almost impossible to understand. If you travel with a group, there might be negative relationships. It's up to you to decide whether or not to be flexible. And not being flexible can ruin the entire journey.

With a journey, you have to be ready to push yourself into trying new things - into doing things you never thought you would. When traveling, this can mean trying new foods like the time I tried donkey meat in China. With weight loss, it can mean trying a new class or it could be actually running.

I pushed myself tonight. It wasn't much by a lot of standards, but for me, it was a lot. I didn't give up even though I wanted to. I pushed through the 20-minute mark on the elliptical - the one where I usually decide I am tired and move onto the next thing. I ran right past the 1-mile mark on the elliptical - the one where I decide I've done enough.

I spent over 40 minutes on the elliptical. I ran over three miles. And then I lifted weights.

I could have gone longer on the elliptical. I could have lifted more weights. It was the biggest breakthrough I've had. It showed me just how strong I really am. It reminded me that I have so much farther to go, and it made me so excited for the rest of the journey.

I loved Europe. It was one of the best experiences of my life. As was my time in China. And this weight loss journey I am on? It's just as good.

(title from "gotta figure it out" by erin mccarley)

the time is right

I wanted to quit Thursday. I blamed it on the fact that there was a different instructor for zumba and on the fact that I couldn't quite get into the zone on the rowing machine or on the bicycle. But placing blame on anything other than myself is futile. It's up to me to make a workout into what I need and want it to be.

Still, I was beyond discouraged. I had done so well sticking to my exercise goals. I didn't want to let go of those goals. But what I quickly learned was that it was my body telling me it needed something other than what I fed it.

The morning started with McDonald's Egg McMuffin and a non-fat caramel mocha. It was the second morning in a row for to me to eat and drink those calories for breakfast. I blamed it on the fact that we were out of eggs at our house and said I was out of time. But it was my choice to wait in the drive-thru and pay for breakfast rather than eating greek yogurt for breakfast and not for a mid-day snack.

I felt like my eating had been under control. I felt like I was making better choices. And I was. Only my better choices were better than what I had made months ago when I might have splurged on two Egg McMuffins.

There's a quote by Jillian Michaels that says "The past doesn't define you, your present does. It's okay to create a vision of the future because it affects your behavior in the "now," but don't dwell on past mistakes. Learn from them and focus those lessons in the moment. That’s where change can really happen."

While I've learned to let go of the past, I am still holding onto the thought process of what I am doing now is much better than what I've done in the past so the weight should just be falling off. After all, I completed a total of nine work outs between Monday morning and Friday afternoon; that should be enough.

But it's not enough. Because how I fuel my body impacts how I work out and how I feel at the end of the day.

So while I wanted to quit, I chose to keep going. I made better choices for lunch the rest of the week. I rushed home and made a healthy dinner for my husband on Thursday, and then I headed to the gym for circuit training with a personal trainer.

 

a combined 815 calories burned.

I, honestly, do not think I have worked out as hard as I did that afternoon. With someone watching me, telling me how to complete the reps and making sure I kept my heart rate up the whole time, I finished the 30-minutes of circuit training with sweat dripping down my forehead and soaking my back. My legs felt like Jell-O, and I felt accomplished.

I planned to head home but instead went to another class which focused on abs and the back. By the end of the hour long work out, I felt rejuvenated and refreshed. The evening work out surpassed my expectations and made up for the lunch work out that was not.

I no longer wanted to quit. Instead, I wanted to keep going (and going).

Friday morning I had every intention of jumping out of bed at 5:15 and heading to the gym. I wanted to spend time running and walking on the treadmill. I wanted the sweat and achy legs every good morning should start with. But my legs still felt like Jell-O when I woke up. My shoulders and triceps ached. My nose was stuffy. And my body told me it needed more rest.

Maybe it was the fact that I stayed up too late watching Tuesday's episode of The Biggest Loser on my DVR. Or maybe it was that I ate too much ice cream (sugar free!) last night while watching The Biggest Loser. It could have been that after eight work outs in four days my body was just plain exhausted. So I listened. And I cuddled up with the dogs and fell back asleep for another 90 minutes.

When I woke up, I felt refreshed. My legs were a bit more firm, and I was ready to tackle the day. I promised myself that I would make good choices. I promised myself that I would succeed, and I did. I focused on what I ate and how much I ate. I pushed myself at the gym during spin class. I drank nothing but water - including when we went out for dinner.

Most of the weekend was a success as well. I completed over 50 minutes of cardio on Saturday morning. I recognized the bad choices I made (finishing off the sugar free mint chocolate chip ice cream) and promised myself that I would keep from making those same bad choices again. And I decided on a plan to prevent future excursions into the ice cream container - not buying ice cream unless it is already in an individual serving. I ate sushi and drank lots of water before going to the Taylor Swift concert. I allowed myself to take a day off from exercise, allowing my body to heal some, and rewarded my hard work with new workout clothes and two books.

And then I took a picture of myself in my new workout clothes and started to see what others have been telling me that they saw - change.

Comparing my current state of mind now to the state of mind I had on Thursday isn't something I can really do. Because I don't want to return to where I was on Thursday; I want to recognize my current successes and remind myself that I am capable of doing this. And I want to move forward.

So I will.

I will allow myself days off when I need them. I will reward myself with healthy rewards (IE: anything but food). I will take time to see my successes, point them out to other people (which I did with my husband), and remember that there are more successes to come. And when I stumble? Because I will stumble. I will pick myself back up and never give up; I will take the responsibility I need to and then move forward.

(title from "you are here" by needtobreathe)

keeping my hopes unbroken

After cupcakes and conversation with friends Tuesday night, I came home and stretched out on the couch. I placed an ice pack on each knee, alternating between icing the top of my knee and behind my knee, and didn't move for over an hour. It was after 10pm when I finally got off the couch, dressed and slipped into bed.

I do my best to sleep in the clothes I plan to wear while working out. It helps motivate me to get out of bed when the dreaded alarm blasts, and it generally cuts down on the amount of time I spend getting ready. So I did just that last night. Grey shorts and a bright orange tee-shirt from my time in China.

The alarm went off this morning, and I hit the snooze button three times. I knew I wanted to complete a 30-minute circuit training workout. I planned to shower and change at the gym (and hopefully grab breakfast there because I think they serve bagels and coffee in the morning for members!). Once I finally pulled myself out of bed, there were two dogs to let out, a bedroom floor to sweep, and lunch to make.

I moved a little slower than I should have, but I got it all done. And I got my gym bag packed. Then I remembered that my heart rate monitor strap was hanging in the bathroom drying. So I grabbed it along with all the goodies I would need for a shower at the gym. I was late but still determined to make it to the gym.

And it was at that time that I realized I had left the actual heart rate monitor at my office following yesterday's second work out (I accidentally threw my monitor into the laundry basket along with my dirty clothes. It was later recovered my my fearless roommate while I was at work.)

Frustrated. Late. Discouraged. Tired. Angry. Those emotions quickly raced through my mind as I tossed things out of my gym bag and purse in hopes of being surprised by the monitor. There was no surprise, and it was too late to make the 15 minute drive tot he gym, squeeze in a 30 minute work out, shower, and drive the 40 minutes to my office.

So today is a day of changing plans. Of taking a deep breath and moving workouts around. Of not letting a little hiccup throw me off for the whole day.

There was a time (ahem - only a week or two ago) that something like this would have kept me from even making it to the gym. Because I would have been lazy. I would have been too set on having my lunch break be an actual lunch break at least once during the week. I would have grabbed onto any reason not to make it to the gym.

But now, though annoyed, I can look past the early morning and lack of work out and instead focus on what I will do for the rest of the day. And I can also be thankful for my two gym memberships that allow me to work out near home in the morning, evenings, and weekends or during the work day.

Having missed the morning workout makes me wonder about taking some mornings off. Like this morning. I could have gone back to sleep. I wanted to go back to sleep. And judging by the yawns and cuddles on the couch, I think my dogs also wanted me to go back to sleep. But I stayed awake instead. As tired as I was, I knew I needed to remain in the habit of being up and alert. So even if I do decide to take a morning off from exercise (which I think my knees and abs were secretly grateful for), it seems important for me to get out of bed and at least do something like sit on the couch. Because then my body is awake even if it is not moving.

Having missed the morning workout also reminds me that I need to sometimes change my plans on what kind of work outs I will do. Today I was scheduled for a 30-minute circuit workout and then an hour of water aerobics. But instead, there will be 45 minutes of swimming, sans heart rate monitor, and then cardio with lower body weights alongside a friend. I'm excited for working out with a friend - even though I am a bit scared of pushing myself harder to keep up (which will be a good thing in the end).

Not having the heart rate monitor for the swimming portion of my work out saddens me. I'm excited to track every single calorie burned and to see myself inching closer and closer to burning the number of calories I am supposed to this week (3750) and also spending the allotted time in each zone. I'm really not sure how I went about exercising without this thing. But at least I know I will not allow the lack of the heart rate monitor to be an excuse to not work out.

I also had the opportunity to step on the scale. After slowly gaining a few pounds over the past several weeks, I am now back down to the 25 pounds lost mark. And I'm feeling better. I'm also eating better. I needed a break from counting every calorie and watching everything I ate. And while on that break, I made good choices but still ate more of some things than I should have (like french fries and blizzards/milkshakes from DQ [which we don't have in OK so they were eaten while on vacation in TX and were both smalls!]). Now I want healthier things versus unhealthy things. Now I choose no sugar added ice cream and sugar free bread because I want it not because I have to have it. I'm also starting to make a mean turkey sandwich (today's sandwich can be seen to the left) rather than depending on Subway to make the sandwich for me.

It's the little things in life, and it's what you do with the frustrations of life.

Part of abandoning the all-or-nothing mentality is allowing yourself room for setbacks. We are bound to have lapses on the road to health and wellness, but it is critical that we learn how to handle small failures positively so that we can minimize their long-term destructive effects. One setback is one setback—it is not the end of the world, nor is it the end of your journey toward a better you. Jillian Michaels

(title from "your love is a song" by switchfoot)

the walls we crashed through

My alarm went off at 5:10 Monday morning. I pressed the snooze button and then rolled out of bed at 5:17am. It was difficult to keep my eyes open, but I stumbled through the house and pulled on shorts, a tee-shirt, and a sweatshirt since it was cold outside.

I arrived at the gym a little after 5:30. My bleary eyes were clear, and I felt ready to tackle a 30-minute circuit workout. One sweaty bra, several ounces of water, and five minutes of stretching later I was done. My forehead was dripping sweat. My heart rate got up to 153 and averaged at 132. I knew I could have pushed myself harder and promised myself that I would - next time.

That afternoon, instead of sitting at a table and eating my sandwich (and then twiddling my thumbs for an hour), I took to the pool for my lunch break.

Swimming is something I love. Being in chlorinated water is like being home for me. I spent several years improving my stroke and racing alongside other swimmers for the Katy Aquatics. There were many times I fought against practice, and eventually, I quit.

My parents were never ones to push. They wanted me to maintain my commitments, but it was always up to me to decide what I would do and to see it through. They supported me in all my endeavors (acting, voice lessons, horseback riding, swimming, etc.), but it was up to me to do the hard work.

There's a part of me that, just like then, wants to quit now. Because it's hard. But unlike then, I refuse to quit. I am going to see this weight loss thing through because I can.

When I stopped swimming, I didn't realize how it would affect everything. I went from being relatively athletic to being overweight. I was never as thin as my friends, and I remember looking at the picture of my in the swimsuit and seeing a chubby girl. What I see now is a girl who had muscles and a different build than many of my friends. At the time, I wanted to win races and compete for a long time, but I stopped, partilally because it seemed like everyone else was so much better and faster than I was.

It doesn't matter how fast I am. I don't have to compete against anyone else. This journey.. this LIFE.. isn't about comparing myself to someone else. It isn't about losing more weight than another woman in my shoes or being better than someone else. It's about losing the weight I have to lose and being better than I have been in the past.

I've heard from many people in my life that I seem so dedicated. That I am doing well. That they are proud of me. That I'm inspiring them to go after the same things I am. And while I appreciate the words, I so often feel like I am none of those things. I so often feel like the girl who loved the chlorinated water but still quit.

I would take it back if I could. I would stick with the swimming. I would have made sure to try out for the team in high school. I wouldn't have settled for just lifeguarding and eaching swim lessons.

But I can't take it back. And it's time that I stop wishing I could take it back or wondering what would have happened if I had stuck with it. All I can do right now is see this thing through and not quit as I have in the past.

 

Workout #1 and Workout #2 from 10/10/11. 598 calories burned.

I remembered all of this as my alarm went off at 5:00 this morning, and I strongly considered hitting hte snooze buttonand falling back asleep for another hour. Instead of slipping deeper into the covers, I threw both legs off the bed and got up - excited dogs and all.

My workout was a little rushed due to needing to get home and shower before work, but I finished the 52-minute workout sweaty and sore thanks to the 15 minutes of stationary bicycle and 7 minutes of treadmill and then 30 minutes of weights. Looking at my heart rate monitor, I know I need to work on icreasing my heart rate and getting into a different zone as my maximum heart rate was 145 and the average was 130.

The goal I had for the lunchtime workout was to spend the majority of the time in "zone 2." I headed off to zumba and checked my heart rate monitor periodically. I wanted to pump my fist every time I saw I was in the right zone but instead just did my best to complete the steps as close to correctly as possible. And hour later, I found that I had spent just over 50 minutes in "zone 2" with a maximum heart rate of 152 and an average heart rate of 137.

 

Workout #1 and Workout #2 from 10/11/11. 989 calories burned.

Seeing those numbers (989 calories burned!) inspires me. It makes me want to head right back to the gym after work. But instead I'll spend the night with friends from church - burning calories from laughing. Seeing those numbers also reminds me of just how far I have come - all the way from the girl who quit swimming to the girl who is pushing herself past the point of quitting. And those numbers make me quite excited for tomorrow's work out. 30-minute circuit and water aerobics - here I come!

(title from "long live" by taylor swift)