sometimes you just need a little faith

My alarm went off at 4:02am on Monday morning, and I stumbled out of bed. My husband is required to be at work by 5am every day, so we get up in the morning together and I help him by making his coffee and putting his lunch together. Normally, I fall back into bed within 15 minutes and am back asleep within another 15 minutes.

Monday was different. Monday was the first day on phase one for the South Beach Diet. Monday was the first day of restarting my journey towards health.

After he left for work, I turned the oven on and set a pack of chicken breasts under a stream of water. My biggest struggle is planning. The South Beach Diet requires planning - especially phase one when there is no bread consumed, no fruit to be eaten, and it is almost impossible to eat processed foods.

That morning I baked tilapia and I tossed chicken, diced tomatoes, and black beans into the CrockPot. While the tilapia cooked, I settled back into bed and started my quiet time.

Weight loss is different for everyone. For me, it's a spiritual matter as much as it is a physical matter. I know that in the past I haven't done well putting my relationship with God, or with myself first, and I decided that this time around I would make sure that my relationship with God came first. Spending the twenty minutes reading my Bible and journaling prepared me for the rest of the day, and I knew that I would and could do it.

For breakfast, I sauteed spinach and then scrambled the spinach into two eggs and one egg white; I then mixed in 1/4 cup Mexican shredded cheese. I also cooked turkey bacon in the microwave. I brewed my coffee and then drank that on the way to work. I took the baked tilapia, sprinkled with Italian seasonings, for lunch and ate that along with a bag of steamed broccoli. Dinner that night was a South Beach Diet friendly adaptation of CrockPot Santa Fe Chicken meaning I skipped the corn and did not make rice to serve along with the chicken. I also made sure to drink almost 70 ounces of water and only one Diet Dr. Pepper. I ended the day with sugar free chocolate mousse from Jell-O.

I had hoped to make it to the gym Monday morning but between cooking, quiet time, and than taking one of our dogs to the vet, I didn't have time. But I knew I would have the lunch hour to spend at the gym. And I did just that.

I spent 30 minutes on the elliptical, 10 minutes on the rowing machine, and then 6 minutes doing yoga abs. By the time my lunch hour ended, I was sweaty, sore, and happy.

Tuesday started the same as Monday except that I went back to bed within 15 minutes of making my husband's coffee, and I then proceeded to hit the snooze button until the last possible moment. Still, I managed to get up, spend time reading my Bible, bake chicken in the oven, and cook breakfast before leaving for work.

 

My breakfast on Tuesday included sauteed mushrooms and spinach and three scrambled eggs. I left the cheese out of the equation and also ate two pieces of turkey bacon. For lunch, I ate leftover CrockPot Santa Fe Chicken. Dinner included a 5 ounce steak, seasoned with salt, pepper, and cumin, cheesy cauliflower, and steamed green beans. I managed to say "no" to a piece of King Cake and again ended the day with sugar free chocolate mousse from Jell-O.

I had hoped to complete two workouts on Tuesday, but two snoring, cuddly dogs beat going to the gym at 5am. I did squeeze a workout in near the end of the day and completed 30 minutes on the elliptical, 10 minutes on the stationary bicycle, and then 13 minutes of upper arms strength training. I was sweatier than Monday, sorer than Monday, and happier.

It's only been two days and already I feel a million times better. I don't think it's just the exercise, just the food, or just the water. I think doing one thing without the others would be counter productive but doing all three makes me unstoppable.

My biggest struggle is planning as I mentioned before which makes the South Beach Diet more of a challenge, but the South Beach Diet also helps me to understand how to plan out my meals as well as how to plan how I spend my time in the mornings and throughout the day.

I chose the South Beach Diet because of how it causes me to plan. But I also chose the South Beach Diet because it cuts out the food I eat too much of - carbohydrates and sweets.

There are some people who can control their portions. I am not one of those people. I can easily eat an entire pint, or quart, of ice cream in one sitting. I also struggle saying no to bread or tortillas or tortilla chips - especially when there is queso to dip the tortilla and chips in. The last time I started the South Beach Diet I did not do well with reintroducing carbohydrates and sweets into my diet. Instead of starting slow, I rushed into the carbohydrates and sweets - undoing all the good that Phase One had done.

This time around I am looking at the South Beach Diet as a true lifestyle change. This time I am constantly thinking about what I can eat, and what I can't. This time I am seeing the next two weeks as an opportunity instead of fourteen days of restriction to survive. This time I am excited about what will happen after the next two weeks instead of worried about if I will even make it through the next two weeks.

The South Beach Diet isn't for everyone. I'm making it work for me which means that I'm eating a lot of frozen vegetables and that the meals I am making are simple and also ones that my husband can (and will) eat. I'm also ensuring that there are always leftovers because then I can take the leftovers for lunch the next day which makes the mornings easier.

I know that not every day will be as "easy" as the past two days have been. I'm off work for most of next week, and will be spending four days in Texas with my parents. Nothing beats Mexican food in Texas, but I can, and will, say no to nachos and tortillas while I am there. I also struggle more with my eating when I am at home than when I am at work. There are plenty of reasons why I might fail, but I know I won't because I won't let myself.

This - my health - is so much more important that my love of nachos. It is so much more important then anything because this is my life. And it's my time to put my life first.

(title from "the sun will rise" by kelly clarkson)

there'll come a day

After a week away from the gym and then a week finding myself back in the gym, I've realized that I need to push myself even harder. I need to not become comfortable with the gym. I need to constantly push myself to run faster, bike harder, and lift heavier.

The gym still intimidates me. When I first started this journey, it terrified me. I felt out of place and as though I would never belong. I wasn't thin or tan or fit or pretty or anything that I thought the other people in the gym were. And even though the gym intimidates me, I am determined to continue to step foot into the gym and continue to ignore the other people at the gym.

When I step foot into the gym, I do it with purpose. My purpose is to sweat, to burn calories, to move as much as I possibly can. It's not to socialize or meet new people. I love having a friend next to me on the elliptical or on the mat because my friends push me to work out harder.

The further I go into this journey to more I see that my work outs need to constantly change. The first work out I completed left me exhausted and sore. As I continued to push myself and spend time in the gym, the soreness disappeared. I enjoyed completing a work out, waking up the next morning with no soreness and getting after it again. I felt like I was getting stronger. And I was, in a lot of ways, but I was also becoming complacent and comfortable.

It's no secret that the body adapts to exercise. The body is smart. It recognizes the movements and becomes comfortable with those movements. And that comfort makes it so that the body stops adapting and stop changing. No amount of exercise, for me at least, can undo the comfort unless the movements are different.

Changing exercise scares me. I'm worried about getting hurt. I'm worried about doing exercises incorrectly. I'm worried about looking like a fool in front of other people who know what they are doing.

Last Wednesday, I took a chance. There was a free boot camp hosted at my place of employment. All you had to do to participate was to bring a canned food. So I borrowed a can of food from a co-worker and headed to boot camp with her.

That day I did things I wasn't sure I could do. I tried new exercises. I spoke up when I couldn't do something and took the instruction on how to modify movements to meet my needs. And I didn't give up.

Months ago, I met with a trainer for a personalized consultation. He wrote down weights for me to complete without really listening to my needs. And he told me that I should do planks and squats. I told him I didn't know what a plank was and that I could not do squats.

He mentioned that I should attend one of his classes and that he would then show me how to do the proper squat as well as teach me how to do a plank. I thought about going, but I never did. I was too scared.

It wasn't just fear of doing squats and possibly getting hurt. There was fear of letting someone in and seeking advice. That sounds odd; after all a trainer's job is to show individuals how to exercise in such a way that gets results and also meets the needs of one person's body.

I've gotten over that fear now. All of those fears. It happened one day in zumba class when the instructor began doing squats in the middle of the class, and I had nothing to but learn how to complete squats with the proper form.

So I did the squats then. And after class was done, I walked out of the gym. My knees never gave out as I feared they would. I completed squats again in other zumba classes, and I spent time doing squats while at the boot camp on Wednesday.

After mentioning my knee injuries to the trainers, they checked on me. Making sure I was okay with the different circuits. Asking how I felt with squats. And I told them I was good that I knew to listen to my body and that I wouldn't push myself too far.

I didn't. I pushed myself and tried new things. I sweated a lot and woke up the next day sore. But I wasn't hurt.

I'm chasing the soreness now. I want to feel my muscles working and strengthening. I want to know, as soon as I wake up the next morning, that I am no longer comfortable with my own work outs.

I am so much more open to exercise now. I'm excited to try different classes and to learn what other things I can do that I didn't think I could. I'm excited to see how I improve at squats. I'm excited to jump on the elliptical throughout the week and run out several miles.

Every time I do a squat and finish a mile, I move further away from the fear and closer to the fit and healthy person I am chasing. Every time I push myself and try something new, I remind myself that this journey is mine for the taking. Every time I complete a work out with shaking arms, as I did today, or wake up sore from the work out the day before, I move further and further away from comfortable.

(title from "the sun will rise" by kelly clarkson)

stand a little taller

Several weeks ago, I read about the Lady Ball Awards. There was an option to nominate other people or yourself, and I decided to nominate myself for the Steel Ovaries Award. I found out last night that I won the award.

What is the Steel Ovaries Award? The Steel Ovaries Award is in recognition of the most exceptional woman among women. She enriches all womanhood just by showing up. She exhibits aspects of both Brass and Iron Ovaries. The winner of the Steel Ovaries Award is a leader among women. She is proud to be a woman, and proud to be stronger than most men she knows. She has seen adversity and risen above. She endures.

I'm not sure if I'm everything the award boasts, but I do strive to be those things. I strive to endure through whatever comes my way. I want my life, and whatever I am doing in my life, to reflect strength and love and passion.

It's fitting that the winners were announced this week for so many reasons. I needed a reminder of why I am on this journey. They say to get healthy for yourself. And I believe that to be true. I also believe it is a personal decision to share some or any of your journey. Even so, it is nice to be recognized - especially aftr a week of being sick.

Earlier this week, I received an email from my Nana - a woman who embodies the idea of Steel Ovaries in my opinion. I get so much of my strength from her. She reminds me to keep going when I don't want to and believes in me so much more than I could ever believe in myself.

Special people are those who have the ability to share their lives with others. They are honest in word and deed, they are sincere and compassionate, and they always make sure that love is a part of everything. Special people are those who have the ability to give to others and help them with the changes that come their way. They are not afraid of being vulnerable; they believe in their uniqueness and are proud to be who they are. Special people are those who allow themselves the pleasures of being close to others and caring about their happiness. They have come to understand that love is what makes the difference in life. Deanna Beisser

That quote also embodies the sort of person I want to be - the sort of life I want to lead. Our pastor always says that life is short and goes quickly - like a wisp of smoke. And it's true. I want to take the time I have and make it matter.

I love the idea of the Lady Ball Awards because it recognizes strength. They recognize persecerance and womanhood. It's about who a person is - not their status or looks. And it reminds us all, at least to me, how important it is to be true to yourself.

I wouldn't have been able to submit my name for any sort of award without certain people in my life. People like the girls I meet with weekly from our community group. They are more than just a community group. They're true friends - the family you get to choose. People like the women in my family who exude strength - my mom, my Nana, my grandma, my mother-in-law. Those women teach me with every conversation. People like my best friend. She lives far away, but she has been there, in my life, through everything. And I know she will always be there. People like those women who share their stories in books and in blogs. Their words pierce me and inspire me and remind me of why it is I write. All of these women give me strength - whether they know me or not. All of these women make me proud to be a woman. They remind me to endure.

And they give me hope that my story will be able to impact someone else the way they have impacted me.

(title from "what doesn't kill you (stronger)" by kelly clarkson)

so hard to believe it

I started Monday morning off by stepping onto the scale at the prompting of my heart rate monitor.

I stepped onto the scale a few times over the weekend and had an idea of what the number would be, but I was hopeful that a decent night's sleep would lower the number. It took just a few seconds for those hopes to be dashed.

I've said it before (and will continue to say it for the rest of time). This journey is about so much more than weight loss. But knowing that the journey is about more than weight loss does not remove the sting of watching that number stay the same.

It's a balance. A balance I am still seeking to find. A balance I will likely continue to search for.

Balance is something I struggle with in every aspect of my life. I want so badly to give all of myself to every aspect of my life, but unfortunately, it is not possible to give all of myself to every aspect of life. And so something always falls to the wayside.

I'm not sure how to find the balance right now. Or if I can even find the balance. I've tried to locate balance in the past and strategically place myself somewhere that will allow me to handle every role in my life. But I have always failed.

Life takes over so often. And different things take priority. As life takes over and those different things take priority, balance is often the first thing to go.

When I worked for the state, I gave everything to my job and to the families I worked with. Most weeks involved at least three nights of working past 7:00pm and clocking at least 45 hours. I spent over 50% of my work week driving in a car. Every visit I did lasted at least an hour because every child deserved my full attention. By the time I arrived home, I had nothing left to give.

Then, to make up for those almost two years of focusing just on my job, I tried to focus on church and on my husband. There was no real time left for me to focus on myself, and eventually, I found myself in a place where I was unhealthy and unfit and unmotivated.

I'm at a place right now where most of my time is spent in the gym. I also spend a lot of time grocery shopping and meal planning. When I can, I read about weight loss or watch The Biggest Loser for inspiration. In one week of exercise, I burned over 4000 calories, and yet I lost no weight.

It was on Monday that my trainer said I might be overtraining. And it was on Monday that he suggested I zig-zag my calories (1700 calories one day, 1400 calories two days, 2200 calories one day). He said I was doing all of the right things, but that my body was, essentially, going into starvation mode due to my consuming less calories and burning so many.

To be honest, I wanted to hear nothing that he said. I wanted to continue to push myself past the pain and past the exhaustion. But something clicked on Tuesday night, and I realized that he was right.

I've lost balance. My dedication to this journey has been so strong and so consuming that I have not allowed my body any time to rest. I've watched what I ate so closely on every day of the week, and my body decided it wasn't sure what to do with the exercise and restriction of calories.

Taking my trainer's advice, and also encouraging words from friends, I decided to rest this week. Rather than spend two plus hours at the gym every day, I committed to spending at least 45 minutes a day in the gym. If I felt up to more, then I would do more, but if I didn't, I would spend time at home resting.

In a lot of ways, the week has been hard. I feel like I am slacking or failing by not spending at least two hours in the gym every day. But in other ways, this week has been exactly what I needed. My body aches, especially my knees, and I'm sleeping a lot more than I normally do. It seems like I am catching up on all the rest I did not allow myself for several weeks.

And it's working. The rest and the zig-sag of calories. The advice the trainer gave me and encouragement of friends. All of it is working.

I stepped on the scale this morning and saw a 2.2 pound drop. Not even a week of this attempt at balance has passed, and I've lost over 2 pounds. I'm officially at my lowest weight and have finally surpassed the 25 pounds lost mark.

It took me just over six months, but I've lost 27.2 pounds. My BMI has gone from 38.7 to 34.7.

Now that I have gotten closer to finding balance in my life, I need to figure out how to keep the balance. My time needs to be spent both in the gym and in the grocery store, with my husband, at home and out with friends, and focused on work. Knowing that is one thing, but doing it is something else entirely.

I think there will be a lot of soul searching. A lot of asking the hard questions of myself. A lot of answering those questions. A lot of moving on from those things that, at one point, made me feel like it had to be all or nothing. A lot of moving on from those things that, at one point, made me feel like I wasn't good enough to have everything I wanted.

And as I find that balance, I sincerely hope it will give me more time. More time with my husband. More time to enjoy the blessings God continues to give me. More time to write. More time to dream and then learn how to make those dreams a reality. More time to focus on myself. More time to focus on others and remind them that they, too, are worth the balance.
(title from "the sun will rise" by kelly clarkson)