i can see now

Five, sometimes six, days a week my husband is out of bed and on the road by 4:30am. There was a time when I got up with him every single day. I'd kiss him goodbye, hand him the coffee I made, and then collapse back into bed. That time is now long gone, and I usually don't even realize he's out the door and on his way to work.

Every now and then, though, our paths cross in the morning. I told him on Sunday night that he might need to be responsible for ensuring that I got out of bed and into the gym in the morning. He told me that he didn't mind making sure I was awake but that the responsibility would fall on me, not him.

Monday morning, I got up when he did, but once I choraled the dogs back inside, I collapsed in bed and stayed there for an extra thirty minutes. Then, sufficiently rested (or as sufficiently rested as I could be), I stumbled out the door and into the gym. Forty-five sweaty minutes later, I was ready to face the day.

It wasn't the best work-out I've ever had, but it also wasn't the worst. And as tired as I was when I first woke up, I loved the feeling of accomplishment I started the day with.

That feeling of accomplishment followed me throughout the rest of the day. And a feeling of healthiness and energy joined it as the day wore on. By the time I ended the first part of my work day, I was ready to get back into the gym, so I did just that and squeezed in 15 minutes of walking/jogging and 25 minutes of strength training.

The only problem with working out so much is how hungry I am. I know it's a phase and that it will pass once my body adjusts to the amount of exercise. But it's hard to say no to healthy food even when I know the calories will just continue to add up and up.

I really don't know how people restrict calories to the extreme and then burn every single calorie, and then some, at the gym. I need fuel. I simply can't survive the day-to-day matters, let alone a sweaty workout, without that fuel. It's probably a good thing, really. I want to do this the right way. History has taught me that f I don't do it the right way, or for the right reasons, that I will inevitably fail. Maybe not right away. But eventually and inevitably I will.

Doing it the right way means I can't beat myself up for the amount of pizza I ate, again, from The Wedge. Because I ate it slowly and allowed myself time to digest. I waited before reaching for another piece. And I can't beat myself up for it because there's a huge difference between eating all natural ingredients and eating a greasy few pieces of pizza from Papa John's.

Doing it the right way means I need to have goals. Goals of ways to reward myself. And also goals to reach. My focus currently is on the goals to reach - specifically fitness goals.

I signed up to swim a 50m race last week. It's for a work event called Corporate Challenge. I'm not sure how seriously most people take it. I only know that I am using it to my advantage and committing myself to do the absolute best that I can.

Years ago, I was an athlete. I was a swimmer. I loved being in the water and racing. I was never the fastest swimmer but I always tried. At least I always tried until one day I stopped trying. I want to return to the days of being a swimmer and of always trying. The first real try will be on June 2nd. The days leading up to June 2nd will be days of preparation - starting with an early morning swim today.

And I want to be a runner. Each time I see someone running outside or on the treadmill, I feel something rise up in me and say I want that. So I'm going to give it a try and start following the Couch to 5K program because there is just no way I could suddenly start running. And I am going to find a race to run.

No matter how hard it is to jump into the cold pool or how tired I get, feet pounding on the pavement, I refuse to give up. Now is the time to push myself. Now is the time to rid myself of all excuses. Now is the time to have my path cross with my husband's in the morning - him going to work and me going to the gym. Now is the time to hold onto the feeling of accomplishment. Now is the time to do the work and then see real results.

(title from "maybe" by everly)

the rest of my life can't compare

Whenever I go to a work-out class, the instructor begins by reminding everyone to take it to their own level. And so I do - or at least I try to.

It was easier to take it to my own level when my level was as low as it could be. When I walked into zumba for the first time, I knew I couldn't twist or turn as much as the other participants. I knew that just being in the class, standing for an hour, and trying to move was more exercise than I'd had in a very long time. And it was enough.

Now, nearly 10 months later, I can't do just the bare minimum - at least not if I want to burn calories and get fit. So, the question becomes, what can I do?

There are injuries that I've sustained in the past which keep me from some things. Or at least that's what I tell myself and other people. The closer I get to losing 100 pounds and being strong, though, the more I realize that the injuries are healing. The more I see that I can no longer hide behind the past knee surgeries, the past torn ligaments, the past things I used as excuses for why I didn't run or work out.

Boot Camp on Wednesday reminded me of this. We started with a warm-up that included jumping jacks. Taking it to my own level meant I had a choice: I could do the easier jumping jack (moving one leg at a time while moving my arms) or I could push myself and jump up and down - moving my legs in a way they haven't moved since high school. Timidly, I chose to push myself, and as I completed the first jumping jack, I realized that my body moved in a much different way than it had back in April. I realized that I really could do this thing they call exercise.

I didn't do every jumping jack perfectly. My feet didn't lift quite as high off the floor. But I did something I had no idea my body could do.

It didn't just stop there either. I found that I could pull my body all the way up into a fill sit-up with ease. I also found that running wasn't as difficult as it had once been. And those squats I used to be so fearful of? I was starting to enjoy them.

No one can tell me what I can do or can't do. It's up to me to listen to my body and to know just how far I can take it. My squats aren't as deep as some people's, and I do not run quite as quickly as others. But it doesn't matter. I'm not racing anyone but myself.

It's strange - this new body I have. It's a temporary weight, but it's 36 pounds lighter and much stronger than how I started. The capabilities my body has now are so much greater than what it had 10 months ago. And the capabilities will be even greater in another 10 months.

There is every possibility that I could do all those things when I was 36 pounds heavier, but I didn't believe in myself then. I didn't push myself then. But now, I do believe in myself and I love having something to push myself towards. I love telling myself that I really can do all these things and then seeing myself actually do them.

Watching other people helps. At Boot Camp, there are a hundred other people also working out. We're split into three teams based on our capabilities. I'm in the alpha group (AKA the beginners group), and I think that honestly I could have made it into the middle group if I had just pushed myself harder. When we completed the assessment, I didn't think I could do a full sit-up or run more of a mile. I needed this chance to sit back and watch everyone else and realize that I am stronger than I thought. I needed to be reminded that I'm not the same girl I was 10 months and 36 pounds ago. I needed to see other people doing exercises and then think to myself I can do that and then actually do it.

I talked a big game when I first started - mentioning how I wanted to run a marathon. And I do, but when I first said it, I thought it would never be possible. I thought it was a good dream to have but knew my knees wouldn't allow it. But now? Now it's a real possibility. Not today or tomorrow but somewhere in the future.

Nothing is out of reach for me now. Which is amazing and also terrifying. Rather than be scared, I'm going to choose to concentrate on all the amazing possibilities - another thing I never would have done 10 months ago.

(title from "they bring me to you" by joshua radin)

it's always worth the sacrifice

Boot Camp started on Monday, and I arrived at the gym at exactly 11:58am - right on time. I got my name tag and joined the other 100 participants - a combination of students and employees. People of all ages. People of all sizes. People of all fitness levels.

The first day was to be a fitness tests. Push ups, crunches/sit-ups, squats, and a mile. There was talk from so many people about how they weren't fast or they weren't strong. And I said to them, reminding both them and myself, that it didn't matter how fast they went or how slow. As long as they were moving, they were passing everyone on the couch.

Many of the people were more fit than they said they were. The people who complained about how slow they would complete the mile ended up finishing much faster than they expected. Most people were faster than I was.

And that's okay. Because I never stopped. And where I was Monday was so much father than I was in April.

I finished a mile in 16 minutes and 22 seconds - walking most of it and doing some interval running. I wasn't the first to finish, but I also wasn't the last. I discovered, too, that I could run more of it if I put my mind to it, and next time I will do just that.

I can do squats. Quite a few of them actually. I know the proper form. In April, I was terrified of hurting myself and refused to do squats. Now I welcome the challenge.

I can do push-ups on my knees. I know they aren't a "full" push-up, but it's still a big deal for me. I made excuses about how I have bad knees in the past, that I couldn't do push-ups, but the truth is that I can.

I could do a full sit-up if I chose to, and I can do more proper crunches now than ever before.

Slowly but surely I am becoming an athlete.

Boot Camp runs until the end of March, but I'll only participate in it through the middle of February as I'm taking on a new position at a new company. Once I am done with boot camp, I plan on taking everything I learn there and applying it to my future work outs.

My life is changing so much, and it's terrifying. It's also incredibly exciting, and I feel so unbelievably blessed to have so many opportunities - within work, within my marriage, and within my healthy living initiative.

10 months ago I never would have expected any of these changes. 10 months ago I would have thoughts all this change was impossible. 10 months ago I wondered if it was even worth the effort. And now here I am.

I want you to know that it is possible - every last bit of it - for me and for you. You just have to stop making excuses and get off the couch. And remember that you are only competing against yourself.

It will take time, but we will all make it to where we want to be.

(title from "play on" by carrie underwood)

run with me through sheets of jungle rain

I had every intention of taking at least one day off this weekend. At least one day away from the gym - at least one day where I didn't get sweaty and stinky.

I thought my body needed to rest. Life has been moving incredibly quickly, and the pace has no intention of slowing down any time soon. There's a full-time job to work, a husband to care for, two dogs to feed, a part-time job to start working, a novel to write, another 65 pounds to lose, and a blog to update.

Saturday was going to be my day off. I spent the afternoon with my husband, eating sirloin and shrimp at Saltgrass Steakhouse and then meandering through Half Price Books. My plans for the evening included dinner with my college roommate, and so, I decided, there wouldn't be time for working out.

Except I made time.

After Half Price Books and before dinner, I headed to Lane Bryant to spend a $40 gift cheque (IE: free money) and then some while my husband perused Best Buy and Mardel's. When I walked into Lane Bryant, I was confident knowing that I wore a size 16 in pants and a size 14 in shirts. I intended to purchase a pair of black skinny jeans and possibly a shirt or two.

I walked out of the store with a camisole, a zip-up hoodie, a shirt, and socks but no pants. When I tried on the pants, they were too small and too short. I tried on a pair of dress pants, again in a size 16, and again they were the tiniest bit too small. I felt deflated.

The scale shows a loss. My clothes (mainly my shirts) show a loss. People tell me they can see the difference, but my hips are not shrinking at the same pace.

Months ago, I may have given up. I would have wondered why try and dove into a bowl of ice cream. But this time, I let myself be frustrated and sad, and then I squeezed in a hour long work out.

I pounded out two miles on the treadmill, two miles on the stationary bicycle and then spent another 18 minutes doing lower body weights. I felt great after the work out and slipped the feeling into my back pocket - knowing I would need a reminder, at some point, of why I go to the gym.

This afternoon I had the house to myself and spent a tiny bit of time cleaning, some time working on our taxes, and a little more time writing out a grocery list. And then I headed to the gym for another hour long work out.

Spending time alone is how I recharge. I'm an outgoing person and want to be friends with everyone, but I always need time away from everyone. It used to be that I would spend that alone time on the couch - catching up on certain television shows my husband won't watch with me. And while I do still love taking the time to simply rest and let my mind wander while I watch Grey's Anatomy, I also love the feeling of running/walking a mile on the treadmill, being sweaty after a particularly grueling session of the stationary bicycle, and working my muscles until they hurt.

There are plenty of times when I struggle to complete a work-out. During those times, I count down the minutes I have left on the machine and remind myself that I'm almost done. But there are other times when I feel like I could stay at the gym all day long. Saturday and Sunday were days when I felt like I could stay at the gym all day long.

I needed that reminder. I needed to feel that love for exercise again. I needed to hold onto the feeling that working out is a great way for me to spend time with just myself and recharge. Because I know that working out will only get more difficult with how busy life is about to be, but I also know that it needs to be a priority because it is essential for me to take care of me.

It is also essential for me to plan out meals and cook as much as possible over the weekend because I refuse to let my busyness become an excuse for why I stopped losing weight or even gained weight. And that's what I kept in mind while I completed grocery shopping after my super sweaty Sunday work out.

I purchased lots of chicken, a large pack of sirloin steak, sausage and brautwursts, and also plenty of vegetables to make ratatouille as well as enough cauliflower to make several servings of Surprise South Beach Mashed Potatoes.

This diet is definitely not for everyone, and it's also not the easiest thing to always stick to. It annoy my husband that I can't eat everywhere and depresses him (and me!) that eating at a Mexican restaurant means no chips and queso. It also makes splitting a pizza difficult, but it's worth it because it works for me.

Mashed potatoes (or really potatoes of any kind) are one of my favorite things to eat, so substituting them with cauliflower works well. It's not perfect and doesn't taste exactly like mashed potatoes, but this side is perfect alongside grilled turkey brautwurst (which is what I ate it with tonight) or a sirloin steak.

This was my third time to make the recipe, and I've adapted it from the original recipe, which I found in The South Beach Diet book while at my parents house in Texas. It's now good enough to share; so good, in fact, that I got my husband's approval and agreement to eat it again.

Knowing I'm making healthy choices and "whipping" up easy healthy recipes is something I enjoy, too. I feel accomplished spending time in the kitchen, and it serves as another reminder of just how committed I am to being healthy. I just wish the kitchen would clean itself after I cooked.

Surprise South Beach Mashed Potatoes

Ingredients:

1 head of cauliflower chopped and then steamed OR 1 bag of frozen cauliflower florets steamed

1-2 tablespoons I Can't Believe It's Not Butter

3-5 tablespoons of low-fat or non-fat Half & Half

1 garlic clove minced

3/4 cup non fat cheddar cheese (or to taste)

1 tablespoon dried chives

Directions:

1. Steam cauliflower.

2. Puree the cauliflower, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, Half & Half, garlic, cheese, and chives until smooth. The consistency should be identical to the consistency of mashed potatoes.

3. Season with salt and pepper (optional).

(title from "green apples" by chantal kreviazuk)

waiting for this moment to arise

I spent 45 minutes on the elliptical during my lunch hour and completed a 5k. It wasn't the easiest work out because I struggled mentally. Every muscle in my arms hurt after my strength training work out from Tuesday, and I was exhausted after a Tuesday spent rushing from work to the grocery story to community group and then finally home for a late night dinner.

Napping under my desk sounded like the best way to spend my lunch hour, but I knew I would regret not stepping foot in the gym. So I went.

At first, I told myself I would finish two miles and then switch to the stationary bicycle. But by the time I hit two miles, I felt a shift and knew that I wanted to spend my time sweating on the elliptical and not switching to a less intense work out.

During the 45 minutes on the elliptical, I burned 420 calories according to my heart rate monitor. Had I plugged my weight into the elliptical, it might have said that I burned closer to 500 calories. When I put the time spent on the elliptical into MyFitnessPal, it suggested that I had burned over 600 calories. I trust that my heart rate monitor knows best, so I trust the number that pops up on the screen rather than trusting what the machine or the computer says.

I've done a little research and found that cardio machines are often wrong with the number of calories burned. The elliptical tends to over estimate while the treadmill, and stationary bicycle, under estimate. I've found the same to be true with MyFitnessPal as I generally burn more calories while walking than it says, less calories while on the elliptical, more calories when weight lifting, less calories while on the stationary bicycle, and more calories while swimming.

Knowing this helps me a lot. It reminds me of just how hard I have to work to burn calories. Because I do have to work hard. I don't burn the calories without pushing myself and trying harder each and every day. It also reminds me of just how important watching what I eat is; I don't want to ruin my time in the gym by eating too much food or the wrong foods.

So, you could say my relationship with MyFitnessPal is a love and hate relationship. Just like my relationship with other things is a love and hate relationship.

You see I have a love and hate relationship with my kitchen. I love it because it's mine, and it's the kitchen where I've first learned how to cook and also discovered how much I truly love cooking. But I hate how small it is.

One day I'l look back at our small kitchen with fondness and humor. One day I'll remember how I functioned in our kitchen and realize how thankful I am to have a large kitchen - my dream kitchen. Just like one day I'll look back at my 15 minute mile with fondness and then at my much faster mile with excitement.

The further I get into this process the more time I spend in the kitchen. When I got home from work today, I headed immediately into the kitchen and started cleaning and then moved onto making ratatouille (with melted monterrey jack cheese on it) and grilling sirloin on my 5-in-1 Cuisinart griddle/grill combo. And while I love spending time in the kitchen, I hate how cramped it is (and how I seem to step on at least one dog during the process of cooking).

Having a love and hate relationship could have easily stopped me from pushing on towards my goal in the past. But now I know that the love and hate relationship signals, for me, a balance and also that I am well on my way to doing what I need to do - regardless of how I feel about it.

I feel like I so often repeat myself on this blog and that I mention learning the same lessons over and over. I wonder if I should just not mention the lessons that hit me during the most mundane tasks - especially if I've talked about them before - but the last thing I want to do is leave out anything important.

Spending time doing the things I both love and hate today made me realize that, even though I have a ways to go, I'm so much closer to loving these things than I am to hating them. And by loving these things, I'm so much closer to figuring out who I really am.

I've been myself for 26 years, but it's been the past nine months that have opened me up to the person I want to be and to the person I already am. Without excess weight to hide behind, I'm ready to step out and try new things and celebrate my successes instead of ignoring any positive words I might hear. And I can't wait to see all the other things I learn about myself (and cooking!) over the next nine months.

Eggplant Ratatouille (adapted from this recipe):

Ingredients:

1 medium eggplant, cut into 1" pieces

1/3 cup olive oil

4 garlic cloves, pushed through a press

1 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon dried rosemary

1/2 teaspoon dried thyme

1 teaspoon black pepper

1 medium zucchini, cut into 1" pieces

2 yellow squash, cut into 1" pieces

1 small tomato, cut into 1/2" pieces

1 small onion, thinly sliced

Directions:

1. Heat oven to 425 F. 

2. Remove skin from eggplant.

3. Sprinkle eggplant with salt; place in a colander and let bitter juices drain 20 minutes. 

4. Rinse eggplant and pat dry.

5. In a 10 x 15 baking dish, mix oil, garlic, salt, rosemary, thyme, and pepper. Add vegetables (I sliced mine and placed them in the dish as the eggplant drained) and toss to coat evenly with oil mixture.

6. Cover dish with foil and bake 15 minutes. Uncover and cook 30 minutes more, mixing occasionally, until vegetables are tender and browned.

This recipe makes 6-7 servings. Each serving is 1 cup and contains approximately (calculated using MyFitnessPal): 109 calories, 14g carbohydrates, 5g fat, 4g protein, 0g sugar.

For the steak, I used a low sodium montreal steak seasoning mixed with water and olive oil. I let the steak marinate for about 30 minutes and then cooked it on medium-medium high heat for about 15 minutes.

(title from "blackbird" by sarah mclachlan)

i have to want to leave the ground

I've never been a fast runner. Really I've never been a runner. And in the past that was fine. Planned even. In the past, I had no desire to be a runner.

But now, I do.

When I took PE class, I generally walked the required mile. There was a group of us who would walk and maybe jog some for the benefit of the teachers. None of us had any real desire to run. We were in PE class because it was a required part of our education and not because we chose to be.

Now, upon entering the gym, I am there because I choose to be. Yes, it is a helpful part of my weight loss journey, but I could strictly watch my calories and still lose weight. I did that last week and lost a pound. I go to the gym because I like the endorphins and because sweating up a storm makes me feel better about myself.

I forgot that last week. I gave into the impending winter weather. I allowed myself rest. It helped some, but now it is Monday morning of a new week and I am still tired. I still don't want to go to the gym. So this week, instead of resting, I am going to force myself to finish.

In PE class, your times of completing a mile are compared with the other students (at least they were for me) as well as with the time you took to complete your previous mile. Knowing I would never win against another student allowed me, in my mind, the opportunity not to try.

And while I do compare myself to others in the gym, my time and my effort really only matters for myself. I'm not doing this for a grade or to be able to look at others and say I can run faster than you. I am doing this because I want to be healthy and because I want the joy of saying I finished that mile in my fastest time yet.

More than that, I want to reclaim the joy of just saying that I finished. I want to rediscover the feeling of accomplishment I get after a workout. I want to remember how much I love the gym. And I want to stop allowing my injuries or exhaustion to take over.

Because I am injured. I have a knee that hurts all of the time. And I'm not going to be able to break into a sprint or come in first during a 5k. But right now all that matters is that I try and that I not give up. Right now I need to push through the pain and rehabilitate my knee. I need to stop making excuses and stop allowing things to get in my way.

I need to remember that I will never again be that girl who took 20 minutes to finish a mile. And I need to remember that I will always be the girl who finishes.

(title from "on my way here" by ryan tedder)

the time is right

I wanted to quit Thursday. I blamed it on the fact that there was a different instructor for zumba and on the fact that I couldn't quite get into the zone on the rowing machine or on the bicycle. But placing blame on anything other than myself is futile. It's up to me to make a workout into what I need and want it to be.

Still, I was beyond discouraged. I had done so well sticking to my exercise goals. I didn't want to let go of those goals. But what I quickly learned was that it was my body telling me it needed something other than what I fed it.

The morning started with McDonald's Egg McMuffin and a non-fat caramel mocha. It was the second morning in a row for to me to eat and drink those calories for breakfast. I blamed it on the fact that we were out of eggs at our house and said I was out of time. But it was my choice to wait in the drive-thru and pay for breakfast rather than eating greek yogurt for breakfast and not for a mid-day snack.

I felt like my eating had been under control. I felt like I was making better choices. And I was. Only my better choices were better than what I had made months ago when I might have splurged on two Egg McMuffins.

There's a quote by Jillian Michaels that says "The past doesn't define you, your present does. It's okay to create a vision of the future because it affects your behavior in the "now," but don't dwell on past mistakes. Learn from them and focus those lessons in the moment. That’s where change can really happen."

While I've learned to let go of the past, I am still holding onto the thought process of what I am doing now is much better than what I've done in the past so the weight should just be falling off. After all, I completed a total of nine work outs between Monday morning and Friday afternoon; that should be enough.

But it's not enough. Because how I fuel my body impacts how I work out and how I feel at the end of the day.

So while I wanted to quit, I chose to keep going. I made better choices for lunch the rest of the week. I rushed home and made a healthy dinner for my husband on Thursday, and then I headed to the gym for circuit training with a personal trainer.

 

a combined 815 calories burned.

I, honestly, do not think I have worked out as hard as I did that afternoon. With someone watching me, telling me how to complete the reps and making sure I kept my heart rate up the whole time, I finished the 30-minutes of circuit training with sweat dripping down my forehead and soaking my back. My legs felt like Jell-O, and I felt accomplished.

I planned to head home but instead went to another class which focused on abs and the back. By the end of the hour long work out, I felt rejuvenated and refreshed. The evening work out surpassed my expectations and made up for the lunch work out that was not.

I no longer wanted to quit. Instead, I wanted to keep going (and going).

Friday morning I had every intention of jumping out of bed at 5:15 and heading to the gym. I wanted to spend time running and walking on the treadmill. I wanted the sweat and achy legs every good morning should start with. But my legs still felt like Jell-O when I woke up. My shoulders and triceps ached. My nose was stuffy. And my body told me it needed more rest.

Maybe it was the fact that I stayed up too late watching Tuesday's episode of The Biggest Loser on my DVR. Or maybe it was that I ate too much ice cream (sugar free!) last night while watching The Biggest Loser. It could have been that after eight work outs in four days my body was just plain exhausted. So I listened. And I cuddled up with the dogs and fell back asleep for another 90 minutes.

When I woke up, I felt refreshed. My legs were a bit more firm, and I was ready to tackle the day. I promised myself that I would make good choices. I promised myself that I would succeed, and I did. I focused on what I ate and how much I ate. I pushed myself at the gym during spin class. I drank nothing but water - including when we went out for dinner.

Most of the weekend was a success as well. I completed over 50 minutes of cardio on Saturday morning. I recognized the bad choices I made (finishing off the sugar free mint chocolate chip ice cream) and promised myself that I would keep from making those same bad choices again. And I decided on a plan to prevent future excursions into the ice cream container - not buying ice cream unless it is already in an individual serving. I ate sushi and drank lots of water before going to the Taylor Swift concert. I allowed myself to take a day off from exercise, allowing my body to heal some, and rewarded my hard work with new workout clothes and two books.

And then I took a picture of myself in my new workout clothes and started to see what others have been telling me that they saw - change.

Comparing my current state of mind now to the state of mind I had on Thursday isn't something I can really do. Because I don't want to return to where I was on Thursday; I want to recognize my current successes and remind myself that I am capable of doing this. And I want to move forward.

So I will.

I will allow myself days off when I need them. I will reward myself with healthy rewards (IE: anything but food). I will take time to see my successes, point them out to other people (which I did with my husband), and remember that there are more successes to come. And when I stumble? Because I will stumble. I will pick myself back up and never give up; I will take the responsibility I need to and then move forward.

(title from "you are here" by needtobreathe)

the walls we crashed through

My alarm went off at 5:10 Monday morning. I pressed the snooze button and then rolled out of bed at 5:17am. It was difficult to keep my eyes open, but I stumbled through the house and pulled on shorts, a tee-shirt, and a sweatshirt since it was cold outside.

I arrived at the gym a little after 5:30. My bleary eyes were clear, and I felt ready to tackle a 30-minute circuit workout. One sweaty bra, several ounces of water, and five minutes of stretching later I was done. My forehead was dripping sweat. My heart rate got up to 153 and averaged at 132. I knew I could have pushed myself harder and promised myself that I would - next time.

That afternoon, instead of sitting at a table and eating my sandwich (and then twiddling my thumbs for an hour), I took to the pool for my lunch break.

Swimming is something I love. Being in chlorinated water is like being home for me. I spent several years improving my stroke and racing alongside other swimmers for the Katy Aquatics. There were many times I fought against practice, and eventually, I quit.

My parents were never ones to push. They wanted me to maintain my commitments, but it was always up to me to decide what I would do and to see it through. They supported me in all my endeavors (acting, voice lessons, horseback riding, swimming, etc.), but it was up to me to do the hard work.

There's a part of me that, just like then, wants to quit now. Because it's hard. But unlike then, I refuse to quit. I am going to see this weight loss thing through because I can.

When I stopped swimming, I didn't realize how it would affect everything. I went from being relatively athletic to being overweight. I was never as thin as my friends, and I remember looking at the picture of my in the swimsuit and seeing a chubby girl. What I see now is a girl who had muscles and a different build than many of my friends. At the time, I wanted to win races and compete for a long time, but I stopped, partilally because it seemed like everyone else was so much better and faster than I was.

It doesn't matter how fast I am. I don't have to compete against anyone else. This journey.. this LIFE.. isn't about comparing myself to someone else. It isn't about losing more weight than another woman in my shoes or being better than someone else. It's about losing the weight I have to lose and being better than I have been in the past.

I've heard from many people in my life that I seem so dedicated. That I am doing well. That they are proud of me. That I'm inspiring them to go after the same things I am. And while I appreciate the words, I so often feel like I am none of those things. I so often feel like the girl who loved the chlorinated water but still quit.

I would take it back if I could. I would stick with the swimming. I would have made sure to try out for the team in high school. I wouldn't have settled for just lifeguarding and eaching swim lessons.

But I can't take it back. And it's time that I stop wishing I could take it back or wondering what would have happened if I had stuck with it. All I can do right now is see this thing through and not quit as I have in the past.

 

Workout #1 and Workout #2 from 10/10/11. 598 calories burned.

I remembered all of this as my alarm went off at 5:00 this morning, and I strongly considered hitting hte snooze buttonand falling back asleep for another hour. Instead of slipping deeper into the covers, I threw both legs off the bed and got up - excited dogs and all.

My workout was a little rushed due to needing to get home and shower before work, but I finished the 52-minute workout sweaty and sore thanks to the 15 minutes of stationary bicycle and 7 minutes of treadmill and then 30 minutes of weights. Looking at my heart rate monitor, I know I need to work on icreasing my heart rate and getting into a different zone as my maximum heart rate was 145 and the average was 130.

The goal I had for the lunchtime workout was to spend the majority of the time in "zone 2." I headed off to zumba and checked my heart rate monitor periodically. I wanted to pump my fist every time I saw I was in the right zone but instead just did my best to complete the steps as close to correctly as possible. And hour later, I found that I had spent just over 50 minutes in "zone 2" with a maximum heart rate of 152 and an average heart rate of 137.

 

Workout #1 and Workout #2 from 10/11/11. 989 calories burned.

Seeing those numbers (989 calories burned!) inspires me. It makes me want to head right back to the gym after work. But instead I'll spend the night with friends from church - burning calories from laughing. Seeing those numbers also reminds me of just how far I have come - all the way from the girl who quit swimming to the girl who is pushing herself past the point of quitting. And those numbers make me quite excited for tomorrow's work out. 30-minute circuit and water aerobics - here I come!

(title from "long live" by taylor swift)