i can see now

Five, sometimes six, days a week my husband is out of bed and on the road by 4:30am. There was a time when I got up with him every single day. I'd kiss him goodbye, hand him the coffee I made, and then collapse back into bed. That time is now long gone, and I usually don't even realize he's out the door and on his way to work.

Every now and then, though, our paths cross in the morning. I told him on Sunday night that he might need to be responsible for ensuring that I got out of bed and into the gym in the morning. He told me that he didn't mind making sure I was awake but that the responsibility would fall on me, not him.

Monday morning, I got up when he did, but once I choraled the dogs back inside, I collapsed in bed and stayed there for an extra thirty minutes. Then, sufficiently rested (or as sufficiently rested as I could be), I stumbled out the door and into the gym. Forty-five sweaty minutes later, I was ready to face the day.

It wasn't the best work-out I've ever had, but it also wasn't the worst. And as tired as I was when I first woke up, I loved the feeling of accomplishment I started the day with.

That feeling of accomplishment followed me throughout the rest of the day. And a feeling of healthiness and energy joined it as the day wore on. By the time I ended the first part of my work day, I was ready to get back into the gym, so I did just that and squeezed in 15 minutes of walking/jogging and 25 minutes of strength training.

The only problem with working out so much is how hungry I am. I know it's a phase and that it will pass once my body adjusts to the amount of exercise. But it's hard to say no to healthy food even when I know the calories will just continue to add up and up.

I really don't know how people restrict calories to the extreme and then burn every single calorie, and then some, at the gym. I need fuel. I simply can't survive the day-to-day matters, let alone a sweaty workout, without that fuel. It's probably a good thing, really. I want to do this the right way. History has taught me that f I don't do it the right way, or for the right reasons, that I will inevitably fail. Maybe not right away. But eventually and inevitably I will.

Doing it the right way means I can't beat myself up for the amount of pizza I ate, again, from The Wedge. Because I ate it slowly and allowed myself time to digest. I waited before reaching for another piece. And I can't beat myself up for it because there's a huge difference between eating all natural ingredients and eating a greasy few pieces of pizza from Papa John's.

Doing it the right way means I need to have goals. Goals of ways to reward myself. And also goals to reach. My focus currently is on the goals to reach - specifically fitness goals.

I signed up to swim a 50m race last week. It's for a work event called Corporate Challenge. I'm not sure how seriously most people take it. I only know that I am using it to my advantage and committing myself to do the absolute best that I can.

Years ago, I was an athlete. I was a swimmer. I loved being in the water and racing. I was never the fastest swimmer but I always tried. At least I always tried until one day I stopped trying. I want to return to the days of being a swimmer and of always trying. The first real try will be on June 2nd. The days leading up to June 2nd will be days of preparation - starting with an early morning swim today.

And I want to be a runner. Each time I see someone running outside or on the treadmill, I feel something rise up in me and say I want that. So I'm going to give it a try and start following the Couch to 5K program because there is just no way I could suddenly start running. And I am going to find a race to run.

No matter how hard it is to jump into the cold pool or how tired I get, feet pounding on the pavement, I refuse to give up. Now is the time to push myself. Now is the time to rid myself of all excuses. Now is the time to have my path cross with my husband's in the morning - him going to work and me going to the gym. Now is the time to hold onto the feeling of accomplishment. Now is the time to do the work and then see real results.

(title from "maybe" by everly)

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