with hopes that you'll understand

My first alarm went off at 4:02am. I made it to the bathroom and then yelled at the dogs to come inside before falling back into bed. My alarm sounded a total of three more times - calling me to the gym. Instead, I snuggled deeper into the covers and cuddled closer to the dogs.

There are days when all you can do is sleep. Mornings when a sweaty session at the gym is simply not in the cards. That was this morning, and while I don't feel as accomplished this morning, I do feel much more rested.

I had a lot going through my mind yesterday when I got home from work and even more following Community Group. Thoughts about what I needed to do over the remainder of the week, thoughts about my weight loss journey and why I haven't given up, thoughts about what all I want to do with my life, and thoughts about destiny. Thinking that much wore me out, and I needed time to process it all in my REM cycle.

I still don't know what to do with a lot of it. But I do know that I am here, in this moment, for a very specific reason. I'm trying to be patient while I wait for understanding - even though I am just ready to get it so I can move on.

I'm ready to be done with this weight loss journey, too. At least with the losing 100 pounds part of it. There's still lifelong maintenance after that, but I'd prefer maintenance over the frustration of standing on the scale and seeing a little loss, if any at all.

There is a reason I haven't lost all 100 pounds yet. It's a combination of eating right, drinking lots of water, sweating in the gym, and the fact that I need to push myself to do better with the combination. And that I need to not give up when I do all the right things and still don't see that loss - which happens to be the first thing I want to do every time I see the number stay the same or increase even when I do everything according to plan.

So I will take the mornings spent skipping the gym. I will sleep in when I need to and then work out harder in the afternoon. I will do this (whatever this happens to be at that moment) because I am ready now.

(title from "our battles" by maria mena)

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